


Chapter 2: Save Jess

by Firebog



Series: But Instead, We Become This [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, As in you won't get much in this part of the series, Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Use, Emotional Baggage, Excessive Alcohol Consumption, F/M, Fallen Castiel, Human Castiel, M/M, Minor Canonical Character(s), Sam at Stanford, Time Travel, Very slow burn for anything Dean/Cas, Violence, coping with emotions Winchester style, in general Endverse Castiel is not a role model
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:58:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 102,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firebog/pseuds/Firebog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2005 and Cas would prefer to be back in his own time going out in a blaze of glory with Dean in one last fight to kill the Devil but instead he's here- or maybe that should be now?- trying to stop the apocalypse before it starts, armed with a list of things to change and no plan for how to change them. The current item on the list? <em>Save Jess</em>. But save Jess from what? Demons? Or the Winchesters?</p><p>This is a story about trying to fix things when you're a little broken too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wendigo....or not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might as well be called: dealing with the ramifications and fallout of the last few weeks.
> 
> There's mild smut in the link.
> 
> (For updates, progress reports, and weird author notes that delve into everything from creepy google maps stalking to changes in US currency between 2005 to 2010 you can check out my tumblr [Brains for Baby Jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Which has nothing to do with Jesus and more to do with being a nine-legged semiautomatic groove machine!)

_November 2005..._

 

"He's not here."

"You've been telling me for two weeks that you don't know where he is. He _**could** _ be here." Dean said setting the inner panel of the door on the ground beside Cas, "Hell, it's more likely that he's here than anywhere else."

"Fine." Cas said, a joint hanging from his mouth. He twisted his shoulders trying to scratch an itch against the ground. It didn't work. He sat up and scratched. Happy circumstance meant it gave him a good view of Dean leaning into the impala. He took the joint from his mouth, "Let's say your father is here."

Dean nodded feeling smug that he had at last won the argument. He grabbed a screwdriver off the front seat. He rubbed at his eye with the back of his hand before he turned back to the door.

"Don't rub your eye. You'll make it worse." Cas said flicking the ash from the end of his joint. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his flask. He gulped down what was left.

"I wasn't rubbing it." Dean retorted. He had definitely just been wiping dirt off his cheek.

"Right." Cas said rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses. He laid back down on the concrete. He had never been able to get Dean to listen to him he didn't think Dean would suddenly start now when he was ten years younger. He went back to the argument of the day, "So lets say your father was here. That means he watched a demon go into the apartment and kill Jess-" He held a finger up, "-he let Sam go inside that apartment, he watched you go in shortly after-" He held up two more fingers, "-watched the apartment be engulfed in flames and you yet _again_ save your brother from a burning building- " He added two more fingers, then closed his fist, " _-and didn't bother to lift a finger._ "

"Dad wouldn't do that." Dean said dismissing Cas out of hand. Cas didn't know Dad. Dad wouldn't let a demon burn someone up. Stopping that was the foundation Dad had built his life on for the last twenty-two years.

"If he's here that is _exactly_ what he was going to do." Cas said. He took a drag on his joint then blew a trail of smoke up towards Dean.

Dean swatted the smoke away and shot a glare at Cas (asshole), "But it didn't happen."

"It _would_ have happened." Cas insisted. He stuck his arm under his head so he could better watch Dean. He was just in time to catch Dean rubbing at his eye again, "You're going to spread it to both eyes."

"I wasn't rubbing my eye!" Dean said yanking out the broken glass from inside the door panel. Jesus christ, Cas should sign up to be one of those over protective soccer moms.

Sam snickered from the passenger seat.

"Don't you start too." Dean growled. He didn't need _everybody_ poking at him just because he had pink eye. He fought the urge to rub at his eye again. Fuck that Constance bitch for making him jump off that bridge into a fucking sewer outlet. His jacket _still_ didn't smell right.

Sam shuffled through the assorted old newspaper clippings on his lap– they were from one of the evidence boxes that Dean and Cas had stolen. He ran his finger along a description in Dad's journal. He read over the newspaper article he had printed out yesterday. It all matched up with the case Dad had put together, "So Dad _was_ trying to send you on a wendigo hunt."

"A wendigo in Colorado?" Dean's forehead wrinkled in disbelief, "Dude, they're practically Canadian, I mean you might get one in Northern Michigan, but Colorado?"

"Well Dad's got newspaper clippings that go back to nineteen thirty-six that argue otherwise." Sam said holding up the papers on his lap.

Dean turned to Cas, "You know anything about this?"

Cas shrugged. He knew Dean had hunted wendigos before but he didn't know the specifics.

"Colorado that's....a day's drive from here?" Dean stood up and looked the stripped down door over. He still hadn't quite forgiven Sam for smashing the window. "So we head out right after your last class on Friday and–"

"Dean, I'm not going to Colorado to hunt a wendigo." Sam said looking over the newspapers, "There's a _demon_ after **Jess**."

Jess pressed her cell phone to her chest. She leaned forward over the front seat. "Would you two keep it down? The insurance company is going to think we started that fire if you keep talking about monsters and demons."

"Sorry." Sam and Dean said.

Jess shook her head. It was already hard enough dealing with the insurance company, now the rep she was talking to was probably going to think they were insane. She sat back down into the backseat.

Dean gave the door another once over then headed for the trunk.

"Hey." Cas's hand shot up with the flask. He shook it at Dean. They had come to an understanding: booze in return for civilized conversation.

Dean rolled his eyes but swiped the flask out of Cas's hand. His least favourite hippy had a problem but at least Cas wasn't going off like a hand grenade anymore. A steady flow of booze and pot was making him tolerable. For now. He pulled the bottle of booze out of the trunk and topped off the flask. He capped the flask and tossed it at Cas. It landed with an audible thunk on Cas's stomach. Dean snickered as he reached in and hefted out the new glass. He carried it back over to the door. He could feel Cas watching him the whole time, douchey sunglasses or not, "You remember rule three?"

"I remember you making several suggestions." Cas said still watching Dean, "Besides I'm just concerned for your safety you shouldn't lift with your back like that."

"Uh huh." Dean didn't believe that for a second. Cas didn't stare at anyone else like that. At least it didn't go beyond staring. As long as Cas remembered that he wasn't into _that_ they could get along just fine...for the most part...okay, for as long as Cas wasn't being an asshole about something....which was almost never.

Jess finished up her phone call with the insurance company. She leaned up against the front seat and passed a notebook up to Sam, "That's a list of what they'll cover. We have to submit receipts within thirty days of purchasing."

Sam had thought it was ridiculous getting content insurance for the apartment last year. He had spent his whole life prior to coming to Stanford living out of one duffle bag. Anything that got lost or stolen could be replaced. But now? Well he hadn't realized just how much stuff he had accumulated since then. He scanned down the list and was thankful to see that the insurance company was going to cover a portion of the cost of their textbooks. There were a few textbooks he didn't care about replacing but that didn't really cut down the overall cost of replacing three years worth of books, "Thanks for phoning."

"Well _someone_ had to." Jess said. She had been on and off the phone with the insurance company for the last three days.

"Yeah..." Sam glanced down at the newspapers on his lap. Jess was making sure they could put their lives back together and he was figuring out a wendigo hunt? He should be focusing on the demon. Dean could take care of the wendigo and track down Dad. That was probably where Dad was anyway.

"Jess. How do you feel about a weekend trip to Colorado?" Dean asked.

"No." Jess had heard enough about human remains and wendigos over the last few days to know that she was never going to Colorado again.

"Come on. It's not that bad." Dean said as he manhandled the glass into the doorframe. "The Last Crusade was shot there."

Sam glared over at Dean, "Don't even start Dean. I am not putting Jess into more danger than she already is."

Jess gave a sarcastic snort. Something was actively trying to _kill_ her. How much more danger could she be in?

Sam sighed, "Jess...I showed you how to protect yourself."

"You showed me how to dump salt everywhere." Jess snapped. She flung herself backward onto the seat and away from Sam. They had spent their free time the last few days arguing about safety. Sam thought the less she knew the better. Jess thought that was fucking ridiculous.

"You really should learn some offensive techniques." Cas said from the ground.

Sam shot Cas a death glare that went unnoticed. He wasn't going to get Jess more involved in hunting than he had to. They'd catch this demon and that would be it. They would go on with their lives. He wasn't getting sucked back in. If what Cas said was true staying **_out_** of hunting was the best thing he could possibly do.

"I hate to agree with the drunk." Dean said rolling the window up and down to check it. "But Cas is right, you really should let her learn some basics."

Jess felt her face heat up in anger, "Sam isn't _letting_ me do anything. _I_ want to learn so _I_ don't end up a burnt marshmallow."

Cas chuckled in quiet approval. He liked Jess. Once she had acclimatized to the fact that monsters, demons, and ghosts were real she had started demanding to be involved in keeping herself safe. He had dealt with more than a few people in the last four years that thought other people should be responsible for their personal safety (they didn't usually last long). He sat up and tapped his joint, ash drifted down to the concrete, "I'll show you how to make holy water when we find a hotel for the night."

"Holy water? That actually works?" Dean looked over at Cas surprised. There was a lot of lore hunters passed around that was bullshit and holy water had always struck as one of the bullshit rumours. "What's it do?"

Cas uncapped his flask and took a sip. He held it in his mouth, letting the alcohol burn his tongue, then swallowed it down. "Has Constantine come out?"

"The Keanu Reeves movie?" Dean asked picking the interior door panel and wondering what the hell Cas was getting at. Dean paused for a moment. No fucking way. He looked back at Cas. "Are you saying it burns them?"

Cas nodded smoking the last his joint, "It's like throwing acid on them."

"Huh." Dean said. That could be useful. He went back to putting his car back together.

"...acid?" Jess asked. She wanted to be able to protect herself but the idea of throwing acid on someone made her stomach feel sick....but that someone _was_ trying to kill her. Alright, it wasn't as if she was going to make it a habit of throwing acid on people.

"Well I guess you could try asking it nicely to not kill you." Cas said pushing his sunglasses up into his hair. He stood up and stretched. His eyes immediately went to Dean. Dean putting together the last pieces of the door. [Dean _fixing_ his car](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/4876317). It had been so very long since he had seen that.

Dean finished putting the door back together. He nodded appreciatively at his car and gave her a pat. Finally. Good as new. He turned around to see Cas staring at him again (holy bloodshot eyes batman). Dean's face dropped. He glared at Cas.

"What?" Cas asked not at all trying to hide that he had been staring.

"Quit fucking _staring_ at me like that." Dean growled as he gathered up his tools. He was starting to get how girls felt when creepy guys stared at them. He had his own creepy guy staring at him right now.

"Like what?" Cas asked with entirely unbelievable innocence.

"Like you're thinking about me naked." Dean said as he marched around to the trunk. A little shiver went through his shoulders. He hunched them together. Ugh. Cas probably _was_ thinking about him naked. God, what was wrong with future him?

Cas licked his lips and gave a low rumbling laugh. He got in the back seat, moving over Jess's things as he sat down. This Dean was so easy to upset.

"Cas, just quit bugging him like that." Sam said turning around in his seat to give Cas a stern look. The last two days had been a reprieve from the week after the fire. Dean and Cas had been going at each other's throats until finally Dean had gone out and come back with a case of that Everclear stuff Cas had been drinking and a baggy of marijuana from god knows where. Sam wanted to say that maybe giving booze and drugs to an alcoholic with a drug problem was a bad idea but it had made Cas bearable instead of liable to go off without warning. Sam had actually slept the last two nights. He wanted to sleep tonight too if it was possible.

"What? I'm not doing anything." Cas said in that sickly sweet innocent way again.

Jess arched an eyebrow at him. She was actually starting to feel uncomfortable on Dean's behalf with the way Cas looked at him, "You are _always_ staring at him like he's a tall glass of water."

Cas rolled his eyes. He didn't stare like that _all_ the time.

"Yeah it's getting to be....umm...." Sam searched for a word that would accurately describe awkward for everyone in the room and grossly creepy. "Inappropriate."

Dean hopped into the car and closed the door. "What's inappropriate? Wait let me guess. We're talking about Sam's face."

"Have you looked in a mirror recently?" Sam retorted because there was no way he was going to tell Dean they were trying to defend his honour.

"And I was stunned by my natural good looks." Dean said starting the car. He scratched at the corner of his eye before he threw the car into drive.

"Don't rub your eye." Cas said automatically. When would Dean listen? Wait. He knew the answer to that. Never.

"I wasn– how could you even _see_ that?" Dean demanded as he drove out of the abandoned parking lot.

"So you don't deny that you _were_ doing it." Cas said.

Dean searched for something to say. Fuck, it was just really goddamned _itchy_. The stupid drops weren't helping at all. His silence went on too long. He glared at the road in front of him, "....shut up."

Cas chuckled from the backseat. This Dean was _so_ easy to upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few scenes of the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade were shot in Colorado but I bet you anything Dean would know exactly which ones.
> 
> If you haven't seen it the Keanu Reeves Constantine movie has a scene where holy water is circulated through the emergency sprinklers and burns a bunch of demons. The movie came out in February of 2005. You just know Dean would have seen it and been like, pfft, I'm way more badass than Keanu Reeves.


	2. Midterms and Holy Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess yanked her hand away expecting immediate pain when some water splashed on her. She had seen Constantine (and Keanu Reeves was great no matter what Sam said). She looked her hand over cautiously when she realized the magic acid water wasn't burning her. She looked at Cas and held her hand up, "...it didn't work?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a couple of lines ripped from the show. I think you'll know which ones.

Cas slouched down in the backseat and cursed Dean for leaving him with one bottle of booze. This was the last stop they had to make before finding a motel for the night. Sam and Jess had both decided that since the insurance company was paying for it they'd get new laptops; their old ones having gone up in flames with their apartment. But why they had to do that _now_ , when there were _so many **people**_ out, baffled Cas. They could have waited until later or gone out early tomorrow– when there were _less **people**_.

Cas glanced at Jess's phone. They had left it with him in case something went wrong while they were inside the electronics store. He sat up to look over the front seat. The store looked quiet enough. They were fine...probably. He took a few gulps from the bottle then looked at the phone again.

Should it take this long to buy a laptop? If they knew it was going to take so long why did they stop for food first? ....what if they weren't fine and there were demons in there right now killing Jess and—

Sam walked out the door carrying two boxes. Jess followed close behind with a bag. Dean appeared a second later, pausing to turn and talk to someone inside.

Cas took a few celebratory gulps of booze. They were still alive. He watched them walk over. Dean jogged to catch up to the Sam and Jess. Dean slapped Sam's shoulder and pointed back to the store saying something. Dean smiled wide. Jess said something. Dean laughed. Dean _laughed_. Dean didn't laugh and smile like that. Cas took a few more gulps of booze.

"Hey!" Dean banged on the hood of the car, mostly to annoy Cas but partly because he didn't want to catch him by surprise and get stabbed. The dude was _scary_ when you woke him up. Not that he was afraid of Cas. He was just...precautious. He opened the door to see a familiar leer looking at him from the backseat. Dean didn't like that look. What had Cas done to his car? He couldn't leave the damn hippie alone for two minutes, "What'd you touch?"

"Everything. I licked the steering wheel too." Cas said grinning. He picked up the bags of take-out and put them on his lap as Jess got in the car. He laughed when Dean rolled his eyes, "You think I'm joking?"

Dean sat down and stared at the steering wheel. Of course Cas was joking....he was joking, right? Goddamn it! He put the key in the ignition and started the car. Who licked steering wheels anyway? That was _so_ gross. His eyes flicked up to the rear view mirror. He grinned. He had been touching his eye all day (it was itchy damn it!). Maybe Cas would get pink eye. It would serve the hippie right. He rubbed at the steering wheel with the sleeve of his jacket before setting his hands on it.

"Can we find somewhere _nice_ tonight?" Jess asked as she put her seatbelt on. "I'm not asking for a five star hotel I'd just rather not stay in a motel that rents by the hour."

"Yeah. I'm all for keeping a low profile but I'd like to sleep somewhere this week where I don't have to worry about getting crabs from the bed." Sam said as he got in the car. He closed the door and pulled his seatbelt on, "We've got midterms starting tomorrow. We need a good night's rest."

"Midterms." Dean said disgust as he pulled out of the parking lot, "I still don't get why you didn't just take the semester off. They were practically begging you to."

Jess gave a sarcastic laugh. Yeah, the school would have been quite happy to have them both take the semester off with only a partial refund, "Do you realize how much _money_ it costs to go to school?"

"Nope." Dean said happily. He didn't get why someone would _pay_ to go to school. He had hated going to them for free. He was quite happy with his GED, thank you very much.

"It's a lot." Jess said. She didn't think getting into numbers would actually make Dean care, "It's enough that I can't pay to _not_ go."

"I have a bag full of cash. I'll pay for it." Cas said. He still didn't know what to do with all that money. He supposed Dean had been trying to make sure he could afford to live but so far all he had really done was buy several hundred dollars in liquor.

"How much is in there anyway?" Sam asked turning in his sit.

"No idea." Cas said shrugging, "I didn't exactly pack for my trip to the past."

\---

Somewhere nice turned out to be a motel called the Hidden Inn. Jess was almost certain Dean had chosen it for the irony. Hide in the Hidden Inn? Right. He definitely didn't pick it for it's stellar interior design. She dropped her and Sam's bag down on the nearest bed and stared at a.... "What is _that_ supposed to be?"

Sam looked over at the bedside lamp. His face pulled into a look of disgust, "I think it's a poodle ballerina?"

"What's wrong with its _head?"_ Jess said. There was some sort of lumpy thing on its head. Were they supposed to be ears? She looked around the rest of the room. There were more poodle and ballerina things scattered throughout and the walls were a particularly hideous shade of pink.

There was a knock at the door that joined their motel room to the next one. Sam went over and unlocked it. He opened the door and had the twin of the poodle ballerina lamp shoved in his face.

"Look Sam! Mutant sheep!" Dean held the lamp up grinning. Sam had a look of disgust on his face that made Dean grin wider. The only thing that would have made it better would be if the sheep had a clown hat instead of a ballerina skirt.

"I think it's a poodle." Sam said shaking his head. He had almost forgotten how weird independent motels could be. The ones they had stayed in so far had been pretty low key.

Cas pushed past them with a rolled up mat under his arm and a box of salt in his hand. He threw the mat down in front of the door- devil's trap up- then started pouring a line of salt along the windowsill. They were probably confusing quite a few maids around town as they hotel hopped and left salt everywhere. He finished the line of salt and went about searching the rooms for hexbags while the others brought their things in. They had a routine of sorts worked out.

Dean hauled in Cas's stupid duffel bag and dropped it on the ground. It hit the floor with a thunk, rattling the lamp shade on the poodle-sheep lamp. The damn bag was _heavy_ and he was getting sick of carting it around for Cas, "You gotta have a few hundred grand in there at least."

"You can have it." Cas said shrugging. He didn't care. Credit card fraud worked just as well as cash- better actually because it didn't require lugging a bag full of money around- once he learned how to do that he'd be set.

Dean gave the bag an appraising look and nodded, "I could buy a lot of porn with that."

"I've been told you can find animated tentacle porn online for free." Cas said as he took down a framed picture of poodles frolicking in a field of pink forget-me-nots. He jammed his finger through the paper backing and tore it open. No hexbags. He put the picture back up.

"What? I- I don't- _it's not all tentacles_." Dean spluttered. Goddamn it he hated Cas. He shot a look towards the door to the other room to see if Sam and Jess had heard.

"You might as well spend it on something worthwhile...like one of those magic fingers beds you like." Cas said smirking at Dean's panicked look at the door. "Think of the _possibilities_ Dean."

"Possibilities?" Jess asked as she brought the bags of take-out in and set them on the table.

Dean shot Cas a look that was supposed to mean, _Shut the fuck up!_ but of course Cas just grinned at him, licked his lips, and turned to Jess. Dean scowled at him. Asshole.

"We were discussing the pros and cons of Dean buying a vibrating bed and animated porn." Cas turned an innocent smiled at Dean, "In particular tentacle porn."

Dean smiled back while trying to kill Cas with his brain.

Jess arched an eyebrow at Dean, "You watch hentai?"

"I...ah...it's an art form." Dean said. He felt the back of his neck heat up. He glared at Cas again. It was one thing to talk about porn in front of Sam but everyone knows you don't tell chicks that you watch animated porn. He spun around and headed for the door, "I left some stuff in the car."

Cas snickered at Dean's not so subtle escape. He went back to looking for hexbags.

Jess shook her head. Who _didn't_ watch some hentai from time to time? She turned to Cas, "So what do we need for your magic water?"

"Those water bottles and the rosary we bought, and some water obviously." Cas said.

"What kind of water?" Jess asked.

"The kind that comes out of the tap." Cas said. He could see the beginning of a _how is tap water magic?_ conversation starting behind Jess's eyes but she shrugged and went to get the water bottles.

Dean came back in wishing that he could have figured how to stay outside longer but Sam had been standing there like he was waiting for him and had given him the laptops to carry inside, "Look, I'm just saying, if there _is_ a wendigo there it's not there to make friends. It's looking for an easy human sized snack."

Sam followed his brother in carrying a milk crate of borrowed textbooks and photocopied notes from friends, "We can find someone to tip off about it."

Dean shook his head and set the laptops down on the bed, "Come on Sam."

"I said no Dean. I'm not going. Jess doesn't want to go either. If you want to go so badly go." Sam said. He put the crate on the table and pulled out the textbook and notes he'd need for the night.

"You want me to hunt a wendigo on my own?" Dean said. He knew Sam had been out of the game for awhile but that was just...insane.

"Take Cas with you. I'm sure he'd go." Sam said knowing exactly what kind of response that would get. He smiled slyly to himself.

Dean turned to look at Cas. Cas winked at him. Dean tried to make his best, _not happening_ face. Cas winked at him _again_ (sadistic bastard). Dean turned around. If he couldn't see it, it wasn't happening, "I've got a friend that way that could check it out."

"A friend?" Sam asked clearly not believing that.

"Alright, a guy that I know." Dean amended.

"Great." Sam grabbed the case file he had put together this afternoon out of the milk crate and tossed it to Dean, "That's everything."

Dean caught the file and went into the other room to phone. Where it was quiet. And there was no Cas.

Jess came back with four water bottles filled with water in her arms and the rosary hanging from her hand. She lined the water bottles up neatly on the motel dresser and set the rosary down beside them, "Alright. Now what?"

"Hold on." Cas pulled up the mattress on the last bed, looked it over- no hex bags- and dropped it back down. He went to Jess. Everything was ready. At least someone listened to him. He glared in Dean's general direction– Dean was probably rubbing his eye right now. Cas grabbed the nearest water bottle and unscrewed the cap. He scooped up the rosary and dropped it in, "Exorcizo te creature acquae in nomine Deo, patris omnipotentis et in virtute Spiritu Sancti."

Jess watched and waited for something to happen. Nothing happened, "...that's it?"

"That's it." Cas said. He picked up the next bottle in line and unscrewed the cap. He pulled the rosary out of the first bottle.

Jess yanked her hand away expecting immediate pain when some water splashed on her. She had seen Constantine (and Keanu Reeves was _great_ no matter what Sam said). She looked her hand over cautiously when she realized the magic acid water wasn't burning her. She looked at Cas and held her hand up, "...it didn't work?"

"Well I'd _hope_ it wouldn't work on you." Cas said as he dropped the rosary into the next bottle, "It'd make saving you a lot harder."

Jess's eyebrows came together in confusion, "What?"

"It only burns demons." Cas said and to prove its safety he stuck his fingers into the first bottle. He took them out and wiggled them at Jess, "See? Fine. And not a demon."

Jess nodded slowly. Magic acid water was making her feel a lot less worried. She had been feeling pre-emptively sick and horrified about throwing it on the wrong person, "...so if I got this on a regular person it wouldn't hurt them?"

"Nope." Cas said. He offered the second bottle to Jess and started talking her through the Latin.

By the time they were done making the last bottle of holy water Jess felt like she had a decent handle on the Latin pronunciation though she doubted she'd remember the words the next day or under stress (like the stress of attempted murder). She'd get Cas to write it down for her.

"Rob said he was busy but he's got a line on another hunter who can do it." Dean said as he came back into the room. He headed for the bags of take-out on the table.

"Good." Sam nodded not looking up from the textbook he was reading, "One less thing we have to worry about."

The crinkle of the paper take-out bag caught Jess's attention. She glanced over at the alarm clock. It was getting pretty late. She still had to eat and study. A quick abrupt laugh broke out of her. She rubbed her forehead as a few more laughs bubbled up. She had to eat and study. Some... ** _thing_** was trying to kill her and _she had to eat and study_. She had just spent the last twenty minutes making holy water to throw on the thing that wanted to kill her and now she had to eat and study. She laughed again.

Sam looked up at Jess. Jess had been taking all the demon stuff pretty well so far but he was worried about her. She had these moments where she stopped having things to do and she'd _laugh_ but the expression on her face would be caught up between hilarity and horror, "You okay Jess?"

Jess snorted with sarcastic laughter as she took out her dinner from the paper bag. She sat down across from Sam, "Yep. I'm fine. There's a demon trying to kill me but I've got to eat and study."

Sam's eyebrows shot up, surprised at how nonchalant Jess's tone was, then immediately pulled down into concern. This wasn't going to be a good night.

Jess passed Sam his take-out container (sandwich and salad of course) still quietly laughing to herself. She had made _holy water_ and now she had to _eat dinner._ How had her life come to this?

Dean glanced at Jess then over to his brother. Yeah, Sam thought she was acting weird too. Well it wasn't too bad. Most people broke down after monsters tried to kill them, Jess just had these weird laughing fits sometimes. He supposed it could be worse she could be a crier. He grabbed his dinner and retreated to eat on one of the beds. Sam could deal with Jess.

Cas set the bottles of holy water aside, everyone would get one for tomorrow. He made another round of the salt lines and devil's traps, everything was in order, then grabbed the last paper bag of take-out and sat down on the bed next to Dean.

Dean scooted away from Cas until he was at the end of the bed. Couldn't the dude leave him alone for _two_ seconds? He just wanted to eat in peace.

Jess took a bite of her own sandwich, still absently shaking her head about the last few weeks, "So what're we going to do when we find whoever it is that's trying to kill me? Is there magic dust we throw at them?"

"No." Cas said (magic dust?). He had thought it was rather obvious, "We'll kill them first."

"What?" Jess's face dropped. Things had just gone from absurd to sickening again and she had been on that roller coaster all week. She wanted to get off.

"We can't just _kill_ the demon." Sam said seeing Jess's face drop. He put down his sandwich and turned to Cas. He tried give him a _I'm serious about this_ look, "The demon is _possessing_ someone. _A friend_. We can't _kill_ them."

"How'd do you even kill a demon?" Dean asked through a mouthful of hamburger.

"We're not _killing_ it." Sam interjected. "We're going to exorcize it and save whoever it's possessing."

Cas ignored Sam. He reached behind himself and took his blade out from under his shirt, "With this."

" _That_ can kill a demon?" Dean plucked the blade from Cas's hand. He hadn't really given the dagger a good look over the few times he had handled it. He turned it around in his hands. It didn't look special. It looked like an old beat up knife. There were scrapes and scratches all along it and some pitting here and there, "What makes this butter knife so special?"

"That butter knife is an angelic blade [formed with my grace](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/4968156)." Cas said, his eyes acutely watching Dean's fingers turn his blade around and glide along the sides. He took a slow deep breath. Dean didn't know what he was doing and he wasn't about to tell Dean about that particular weakness. Dean would just use it against him, like _his_ Dean had done in the end. Besides it didn't feel the same; this wasn't really the Dean that carved himself into his grace.

" _Right."_ Dean said rolling his eyes. A blade formed with grace from Cas? What did that even mean? Cas was probably just trying to pull one over on him, though he didn't know what it was Cas was trying to pull over. He ran his hand along the hilt of the dagger. His fingers brushed against a series of deep scratches on the end. He turned the blade in his hand. There was a...what was that shape called? Trap-something. Trap-a-zone? He scratched a nail over it. The grooves went pretty deep, like someone had carved the shape into it.

"An _angelic_ blade?" Sam asked feeling a little guilty. Jess still looked like she might throw up but... he couldn't help it. An angelic blade? He was curious (there was so much research to be done). He reached for the dagger but Cas snatched it out of Dean's hands before he got a chance to look at it.

"Yeah. An _angelic_ blade, because I'm an angel...sort of." Cas said taking a few more deep breathes. He had felt a faint sting of pain when Dean had scratched the initial on the end of his blade. It wasn't the same when his Dean did it, but there was.... _an echo_ of what it _should_ have been. A spark lost somewhere off in the distance reminding him how much he missed Dean. He shivered as the guilt of choosing to stay started to sink back in. He reached behind himself and slipped his blade back into the waist of his pants safely away from Dean.

Jess scooped up her sandwich and left for the other room. She had to study and eat and everyone was talking about stabbing someone and she was really starting to wish she _had_ taken the semester off.

" _Jess_." Sam called after her. She didn't stop. Sam piled their books and notes back into the milk crate. He balanced his dinner on top and took the whole thing into the other room. He shot Dean and Cas a glare over his shoulder.

Dean shrugged and spread his hands in a _how is it my fault?_ gesture that had taken years to perfect. He grinned when it got just the right reaction from Sam.

Sam rolled his eyes and shook his head in exasperation. He kicked the door that joined their rooms together closed.

Dean moved to the table. The nice _Cas free_ table. He settled down and took another bite from his burger. They were definitely going back to that diner they had stopped at tonight. He would happily eat greasy hamburgers from there for the rest of his life. He stopped mid-chew and looked over at Cas. Cas _wasn't_ staring at him. What was he up to?

Dean watched Cas (the irony was not lost on him). Cas was just sitting quietly, absolutely still. Not moving, not saying a word. That was weird. His eyes flicked to the unopened paper bag beside Cas. He frowned and looked back at Cas. No wonder Cas was a scrawny bastard. He never ate. Dean pursed his lips together. Okay, so he didn't like Cas but he didn't want to watch him _starve_ to death. He nodded at the paper bag beside Cas, "Hey, you actually going to eat tonight? Or did I just buy you dinner so you could stare at it again?"

Cas shook off the ever so friendly reminder of his crushing guilt for leaving Dean behind to die alone. He reached into his jacket and took his flask out, took a few long sips, then put it away. He tore open the paper bag, "You know, you don't have to buy me dinner to get me into bed and really why even bother with the bed?"

Dean shook his head and went back to his hamburger. Why did he even try?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Latin Cas uses to make holy water is the Latin John uses at the end of season one but I agree with other fans in that it's weird they'd be exorcizing the water and not actually blessing it to make holy water. 
> 
> The word Dean was looking for is trapezoid. 
> 
> Some extra credit links from the first chapter of The Only Thing We Have Left [Intent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3754015) which gets into what the trapezoid actually is and [Vorpal](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1563353/chapters/3725969) which is smutty but looks also looks at just how much Cas can feel when it comes to Dean and his angel blade.


	3. New friends and old friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jess wasn't sure if she should be relieved or if she should be worried. It would be nice to know the other kids down the hall weren't possessed but at the same time that meant someone else _**was**_. She tried not to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (FYI: Sorry in advance but I am absolutely not updating next weekend. I've been volunteered to help family move.)
> 
> For progress reports, update notifications, and inane reblogs of things you can follow me at [Brains for baby jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Won't you buy my brains?

Dean leaned his head back and stared the tiny dropper bottle down. He had had run ins with guns, knives, teeth, and claws but these stupid drops for pink eye were torture. They stung like a bitch. He squeezed the bottle. It splashed down onto his eye- it stung like the bitch it was- and he immediately blinked, which meant most of it was now on his eyelids again rather than in his freaking eye. Great. So it stung like a bitch _and_ he had to do it **again**.

"Do you really have to do that here?" Sam asked not looking up from his textbook. They were sitting in the hall outside of Jess's class waiting for her to finish up her test.

"Yes." Dean rolled his shoulders and got ready to try again.

Sam shook his head. He knew why Dean was doing it now. Cas had left to check out some people who had been loitering nearby at the coffee kiosk for awhile and Dean didn't want Cas to watch him flinch at the eye drops and make some sarcastic comment about it, "You know why he's doing it right?"

Dean blinked just as the drop was about to hit his eye. It splashed on his eyelid. Fuck. "Who's doing what?"

"Cas. Heckling you." Sam said.

"You mean Cas being a giant asshole." Dean scoffed. He shook his arms. Okay. This time he'd get it.

"Sure." Sam said. He wasn't going to argue about what to call, either way Cas had been harassing Dean for the last two weeks and even if it was low key now it was annoying listening to them. Sam looked up from his book and ran a hand through his hair, "But you know he's only still doing it because you keep taking the bait, right?"

Dean flinched before he even squeezed the bottle, "What? I'm not taking anyone's bait."

"This is what I mean." Sam shook his head at Dean's involuntary twitch, "He's _trying_ to get you all worked up. He knows you're....ah.... _agitated_ about.... _you know_ so he keeps doing it. Who's that sound like?"

Dean gave up on the stupid eye drops. He sat up straight and shrugged, "Biff Tannen?"

Sam put a hand to his forehead. Some days Sam worried that all those 80's movies had warped Dean's sense of reality, "You remember how when I was twelve and you found out I was afraid of clowns?"

Dean grinned. _Was_ afraid of clowns? Dean was pretty sure that shouldn't be past tense. There were _real_ monsters out there and Sam had a clown phobia? Who _wouldn't_ make fun of that?

Sam rolled his eyes seeing Dean's grin, "Exactly."

Dean grinned wider. He was so gonna find some clown stuff when they went out shopping next.

Sam knew he had just brought down an all new nightmare on himself but if he was already in this deep he might as well keep digging, "Anyway, why'd you stop bugging me about it?"

Dean clenched his jaw– because Dad had told him in very express terms to layoff. He shrugged.

"I started ignoring you." Sam said. Hopefully the tactic would still work because he was sure he'd have to deal with it again now that he had brought it up, "I stopped reacting and you got bored of it."

Dean nodded. That wasn't going to work. He went back to trying to get the stupid eye drops in.

Jess came out of her classroom five minutes later to see Sam studying and Dean quietly cussing under his breath as he tried to get those eye drops in. She had watched Dean wince and swear enough the last few days that it was just getting pathetic. From the way Sam and Dean talked it sounded like they were no strangers to stitches and broken bones but Dean couldn't put eye drops in? She dumped her bag at Sam's feet and plucked the little bottle out of Dean's hands.

" _Hey."_ Dean groused. He had _almost_ had it that time.

"Here." Jess grabbed his chin and titled his head up, "Close your eyes."

Sam leaned over his textbook a little more to hide a grin. Jess was using her talking to little kids voice on Dean.

Jess squeezed out a drop into the inner corner of Dean's eye, "Now open them."

The liquid slid into his eye and burned (son of a bitch that hurt). Dean resisted the urge to rub at it because despite what Cas said he didn't rub at it _all_ the damn time....just some of the time. Jess let him go and handed the bottle back to him. He shot Sam a _shut the hell up_ look when he caught him smirking. Pink eye wasn't funny (unless it was happening to other people).

"Where's Cas?" Jess asked sitting down beside Sam. She pulled up her bag and took her laptop out.

"There were some people hanging out down at the coffee shop that looked like they might be watching us." Sam said as he snaked an arm around Jess when he felt her shiver.

Jess took a nervous glance down the hall. Picking Cas out wasn't hard. Even surrounded by students he was the scruffiest looking person there. "You think it's- the demon?"

"Maybe?" Sam said looking over. Cas was standing in line at the kiosk, occasionally glancing at the group of students that hadn't moved in an hour, "They're probably fine."

Jess wasn't sure if she should be relieved or if she should be worried. It would be nice to know the other kids down the hall weren't possessed but at the same time that meant someone else **_was_**. She tried not to think about it. About how Cas was planning on murdering someone if he got the chance and she was studying for midterms. Great, now she was thinking about it. Crap. She hurriedly clicked on MSN and typed in her password. The familiar chime went off as three windows popped up. She turned the sound off before she started reading through her messages.

"Did you hear back from your parents yet?" Sam asked leaning over to look at Jess's screen.

Jess clicked through to her email. There was one from her mom. She opened it up and scanned through it, "The whole family is going to fly out for the first half of the Thanksgiving break."

"Can't you just tell them not to?" Dean asked. He liked Jess but having _one_ civilian to look out for was hard enough, adding three more was going to be hell. And how the hell were they going to keep the family secret from them when they'd have to toss the hotel room before they slept in it?

"What do you want me do? Send them a mix CD with Independent Woman on it?" Jess asked sarcastically. Her apartment had burnt down due to _arson_. It had taken every argument in the book to stop her parents from showing up the next day. She let out an annoyed huff when Dean looked like he was actually contemplating the mix CD, "I can't stop them from coming. They're worried."

"Jess!"

Dean tensed when he heard feet pounding towards them. His hand darted out to the water bottle of holy water beside him as a hot blonde raced towards them. What was with all the hot blondes going to college?

Jess didn't get a chance to grab her own bottle of holy water before Rebecca Warren was leaning over her laptop trying to give her a hug. Jess froze, not sure if she should be hugging back or fighting for her life.

Sam was next in line for a hug, "Ah...hi Becky?"

"Rebecca." Rebecca said. Her face went from relief to anger, "You two disappear for _days_ , your apartment gets burnt down, you disappear _again_ , and I have to hear from _Steph_ that you're okay."

Jess found herself apologizing, "Yeah, sorry for not phoning home...we've been busy."

Rebecca leaned down to hug her again, "I'm just glad you're okay....you too Sam."

"Thanks." Sam said. Jess and her old roommates were a still a rather tight knit group even if Jess had moved out. He really hoped the demon wasn't hiding in one of them. He tried to look casual as he unscrewed the lid of the water bottle but before he could start _accidentally_ spilling holy water on Rebecca Cas stalked up behind her.

Cas tapped the stranger on the shoulder. She turned and gave him a surprised look. Cas narrowed his eyes at her, "Christo."

"Pardon?" Rebecca asked confused.

The girl's eyes didn't turn black– or any other colour for that matter. Cas nodded his approval and proceeded to hand out the coffee he had bought as a cover.

"That's Cas. Dean's friend." Jess jumped in because while Cas could hold up a reasonable conversation (if that's what you wanted to call it) with any of them he apparently just didn't bother with someone he didn't know. It had happened a few times since the fire. She took the coffee he offered, "He's ah- not from around here. Christo basically means hi in his hometown."

"Oh....ummm....Christo to you too." Rebecca said. Cas gave her a shrug. She turned to Jess, "Who's Dean?"

"Sam's brother." Jess pointed over at Dean, "Rebecca, Dean. Dean, Rebecca."

Dean grinned and gave a little wave and nod. He definitely wouldn't mind if Jess wanted to hang around Rebecca more often. He jabbed a thumb at Cas, "He's not really my friend but I'm always willing to make _new_ friends."

"We just frequent hotel rooms together." Cas said passing Dean a cup of coffee. It earned a bewildered look from Rebecca.

Dean took the coffee– but he wasn't happy about it. He glared at Cas. Then decided that since shooting daggers at Cas all the time hadn't been working he'd try to look smug. Yeah, that was it. Cas had gone and done all the work and he wasn't even going to say thank you. Ha! He took a sip of coffee and frowned. It was exactly how he liked it. Goddamn it.

Jess rolled her eyes. Right, Cas stayed quiet unless he could say something to get Dean agitated. She waited a beat for Dean to say whatever ridiculous comeback he'd come up with this time but it never happened. She looked back to Rebecca, "They're helping us out while we get back on our feet."

"Oh...that's....nice." Rebecca said looking Cas over with a wary eye.

Jess followed Rebecca's gaze. They really had to see if they could get Cas to stop wearing the jeans with bloods stains– and maybe brush his hair for once. She blurted out the first thing she could think of before she had to explain those bloodstains, "How's everyone else doing? I guess you're still having problems with replacement Jess?"

"Don't even get me started about Steph." Rebecca said rolling her eyes.

Dean slowly tuned out the conversation. He could only pretend to be interested in Jess's school woes for so long. He tried to ignore how Cas was sort of... _looming_ beside him- at least Cas wasn't staring- and keep his focus on people passing by. Nobody looked shady, but then a demon probably wouldn't want to _look_ like a demon when they were trying to blend in. He let his eyes wander over the people passing through the hall. He was starting to get why a lot of porn was set in colleges. There were quite a few co-eds he'd like to...make new friends with.

Sam glanced down at his watch five minutes later. He had a class in a few minutes. They really needed to get going as much as it was nice to get caught up with Rebecca.

Jess caught the movement out of the corner of her eye. She flicked her eyes down to her laptop. Sam was going to be late. Her eyes quickly flicked over a flashing bar at the bottom of the screen, she had a new MSN message, before she looked back up at Rebecca, "Well, we've got to get going or else Sam here will be late."

Rebecca pulled her phone out of her pocket and flipped it open, "Shit. Me too."

Sam started packing up his textbook carefully spilling a little holy water onto Rebecca's shoe as he did. It didn't hurt to be careful, "Sorry."

"It's fine. Now don't be strangers." Rebecca said hugging Jess and then Sam, "Everyone at the house has missed you two the last couple of weeks."

"Yeah...we'll...keep in touch." Jess said lamely. How was she supposed to tell her old roommate sorry, but one of the old roomies might be possessed by a demon so I can't just drop by?

A shadow of a frown passed over Rebecca's face before she gave a quick wave good bye and headed down the hall.

Jess closed up her laptop and stuffed it back into her bag. She followed along beside Sam with Cas and Dean behind her. She sighed at how strange her life had become and the month wasn't even over yet. She was just walking down the hall– and she had a three man bodyguard detail in case a demon showed up. She slowed to a stop when they came to Sam's class. She gave Sam a quick kiss for good luck on his test then it was off to find somewhere to sit and wait where there would hopefully be no demons. Yeah, really, what had her life come to?

They moved down the hall until they came to a spot with chairs that was still in full view of Sam's classroom. Jess dropped into the uncomfortable seat and pulled out her laptop again. She settled it on her knees as she waited for the screen to flick back on. The messenger bar was still flashing. She clicked on it. Her eyes went wide. It was Brady. She hadn't talked to Brady since he had dropped out of school at the end of their second year. He had heard about the fire from Luis. She typed a quick _, yeah we're okay even if it sucks._ She changed the subject after because she really didn't want to have to keep lying to everyone. It was draining.

She chatted away with Brady while she waited. He had cleaned up. It sounded like his life was back on track. Sam would be _stoked_ to hear that (and so was she). Brady had been his best friend before he had fallen apart. She looked down the hall then back to her laptop. She looked between Dean and Cas, "Hey guys? Can we meet up with someone after class? Or does that break some keeping a low profile rule?"

"Meet up with someone? Who?" Cas asked suspiciously.

"A friend of mine and Sam's. He dropped out of school a few years ago. He's been living on the other side of the country since then." Jess said. She figured it wasn't likely that a demon would just happen to be waiting around to possess someone she hadn't thought she'd ever see again, "He flew out here yesterday for a job interview. He's going home tonight. I thought maybe a late lunch?"

Cas narrowed his eyes. He motioned for Jess's laptop. He hadn't used one in years but he thought he still had the hang of it. He ran his finger over the track pad and read through the conversation. This friend, ~*(+_+)*~A6Blues~*(+_+)*~, didn't _seem_ like they were trying to ferret information out of Jess. He got to the end of the conversation. Jess's friend hadn't asked about meeting. There was no mention of it. Which meant it was _Jess_ that wanted to meet up and hadn't asked yet. That only made him slightly less suspicious.

"Think he's our suspect?" Dean asked leaning over Jess to see what Cas was looking at.

Cas shrugged and passed the laptop back, "He doesn't seem to be unduly interested in Jess but...."

"But it could be anyone." Dean finished.

Jess sighed. Great. Maybe she should just cut out all her friends and never talk to another soul again? She shook her head. People were going to start getting worried if she kept brushing everyone off all the time. Actually...that was a good point, "People are going to start getting worried that I've got a bunch of _men_ hanging around me apparently telling me I can't be friends with anyone. If you want to keep a low profile we're gonna have to...be a little more social."

Dean looked at Cas over Jess's head. Cas had problems but he had a pretty good idea of what could be potentially dangerous where the demon was concerned. Cas shrugged at him. Dean thought it over some more. Jess was right but for a different reason. Anyone watching Jess would know something was up if she was acting strange. They'd never find the demon if it thought they were up to something, "Yeah okay. Just don't pick one of those vegetarian restaurants you and Sam tried to drag me into last week."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hotmail and MSN. How I chuckle fondly. I've yet to decide if Jess would have been a Myspace person. But this would have been the time period when Myspace was on the rise. Also, EEEEE!! SCREEEEEECH!!! BEEP! BEEP! AAHNNNN! oh dial up internet, you whispered sweet nothings in my ear for years. Thank goodness you were on your way out by 2005.
> 
> As an aside I think Dean would probably be aware of the Destiny's Child song Independent Woman because it was in Charlie's Angel's (2000) and if he hadn't seen Charlie's Angel's by 2005 then he definitely saw the porn version.
> 
> Bonus points if anyone gets the reference for Brady's screen name without googling it.


	4. Demonic signs and an extra bacon cheeseburger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if the demon after Jess took a less conspicuous host and followed them to the hotel? He glared at the little oldies with renewed suspicions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam learned his super power of magic wifi everywhere from Jess and I'm sticking to that.
> 
> ***Warning for: some mild internalized homophobia***  
> And Cas's continued borderline sexual harassment of Dean.
> 
> Also if eating bugs is something that squicks you don't click the like "He hated it".
> 
> If you're interested in progress reports, research, or if you too are on your way to Jupiter on a mission of love you can find me at [Brains for baby jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Won't you buy my brains?

Dean turned his head to look at the door. He had sat down on this side of the booth because it gave him a clear view of Sam and Jess but that meant he was trusting Cas to watch the door and he definitely didn't trust Cas (who would?). So there he was whipping his head around like a bobble head dog in a car window every time the door opened. The couple coming in this time didn't look particularly suspicious even if they were geeks and had dressed up in the style of the restaurant: 1950's à la Grease. It was cheesy but he had eaten in stranger restaurants before. He turned back to scan the seats around Sam and Jess. Everything still looked fine.

The couple that had come in walked by the table. Dean watched them go, appreciating the view. Maybe the 1950's get ups weren't so bad. The buttons on that blouse looked like they were unbuttoned dangerously low (no such thing). He winked. Despite the pink eye he got a coy smile in return. It was definitely a filled with affection too shy to convey moment. He grinned as they breezed past him. Yeah, the 1950's get ups weren't bad.

Cas's eyes flicked over two people coming into the restaurant. He studied them closely for any hints that one of them might be a demon. He didn't feel that subtle twinge of demonic energy but then he hadn't felt that in at least a year. He would have dismissed them out of hand but they both suddenly stared their way. He glanced quickly at Dean to warn– he rolled his eyes. Dean was staring back with a flirty smile. Cas shook his head annoyed. They were supposed to be monitoring the situation not flirting with people in poodle skirts (or leather jackets).

Dean licked his lips still contemplating the finer points of the 1950's before he caught Cas staring again. Nothing new there– except for the funny look he was getting this time. The smile dropped from his face. He scanned the restaurant again then looked back to Cas, "I’ve been thinking."

"Don’t strain yourself." Cas said automatically. He couldn't help it if Dean was going to set himself up. Especially after the all the casual eye sex with that couple he had just witnessed. He thought over something suitably crass to say about it but before he could open his mouth and say it Dean barged on.

"If you’re from some Skynet Judgement Day future doesn’t that mean there’s a now you running around getting high and drinking somewhere?" Dean said trying out Sam's just ignore it advice. Who knew? Maybe it would work. Sam was the smart one after all.

A snort of laughter erupted from Cas. Castiel getting high? Right. And drinking? Oh, yes, that had turned out so well. There was a liquor store in Michigan that he should probably pre-emptively pay for. And while he was at it maybe a hooker in Maine he should remunerate in advance. He shook his head.

"What? Don't want to meet yourself?" Dean joked. But now that he was thinking about it again why _hadn't_ Cas tried to hook up with now him? The dude could probably set Cas up with whatever the hell he had been taking as far as mysterious pills from unmarked bottles went.

" **No**."

Dean was going to make a _you can go fuck yourself_ joke but Cas gave him a glare that shut him right up. There wasn't much about Cas that was actually intimidating– minus a submachine gun in the trunk of the impala– but once in awhile Cas busted out this _look_ and Dean could believe that Cas had _seen_ shit. He let it go. The joke wasn't that funny anyway and Cas would probably have twisted into some sort of over the top gay innuendo. Besides they were supposed to be keeping an eye out for demons not being Chatty Cathys. He looked around the restaurant again. It wasn't hard to scope out everyone in one quick glance. The restaurant was pretty empty, it being the middle of the afternoon on a weekday.

A quick movement out of the corner of his eye had Dean jerking his gaze downward. Cas was emptying out the basket of jam and peanut butter again. Cas was lucky the restaurant did all day breakfast or else he wouldn't be able to keep up his bizarre addiction, "Gonna take the butter too?"

All Dean got was glare from Cas that would have been more frightening if Cas didn't do it _all the time_. Dean rolled his eyes. He rubbed at his forehead for a moment thinking over all the weird shit he had been putting up with from Cas. This was one of the _minor_ quirks. He waved his hand towards the baskets, "Dude, what is with the jam and peanut butter hoarding? You've got enough of them back at the hotel to last you a couple of months."

"I like it." [He hated it](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5234267). It reminded Cas of too many days walking the fine edge of starvation. He knew that wasn't really an issue right now (give it a few years) but...they were **_there_**. It was so easy to just... _take_ them. To have them. Just in case.

"If you like it that much go buy a jar or twenty." Dean said taking the basket away before Cas could clean it out. He reached back and put it on the table behind him. Cas gave him another surly look. Dean grinned.

Cas glared back. He hated that stupid smirk (no he didn't). The waitress interrupted the staring match with a pot of coffee. Cas flipped his mug over for coffee. His eyes flicked to the waitress then to Dean who was staring at the waitress. A slow predatory smile worked its way onto Cas's lips, "I can't spend all _our_ money on jam, Dean. We're buying you tentacle porn this week, remember sweetheart? We can't afford both."

The waitress made a noise in the back of her throat but to her credit kept a polite smile on her face and told them she'd be right back with menus.

Cas widened his smile as Dean glowered at him. He picked up his cup of coffee and winked suggestively. Dean didn't flinch. That wouldn't do. He slid his foot across the floor and hooked it around the back of Dean's leg, rubbing it up to Dean's knee. The table rattled, splashing coffee everywhere, as Dean banged his knee off the underside. The door to the restaurant opened before Cas could relish his victory. He sat straight and studied the group of three coming in. It was three senior ladies. They probably weren't demons. Demons tended to favour younger hosts but still, one could never be sure. He watched them take a seat on the far side of the diner. What if the demon after Jess took a less conspicuous host and followed them to the hotel? He glared at the little oldies with renewed suspicions.

Dean yanked his legs back protectively. He just **_knew_** ignoring Cas wasn't going to work. Creepy staring he could handle. He could even handle Cas being a freak and saying _anything_ to _anyone_. But he was **_not_** going to just ignore a dude feeling him up. He glared at Cas while rubbing a hand over his aching knee. Stupid fucking asshole.

Hot coffee dripped off the table and onto Dean's lap. Dean flinched as it soaked into his jeans. He grabbed a handful of napkins and sopped up the spilled coffee. He shot another glare at Cas. This was Cas's fault. Everything the last few weeks was Cas's fault.

"We need to make a stop at a store that's.... _aware_ of things." Cas said. He turned around to check on Sam and Jess since Dean was busy swearing at the spilled coffee. Separating had been Sam's idea. Apparently Sam thought he could be _unsettling_ towards his friends (Jess had agreed on that part). He turned back to Dean, "I need some things to make hexbags."

"Hexbags? So what? You're a witch now?" Dean said dropping a handful of dripping napkins onto the saucer. He grabbed a few more napkins and patted his jeans down then wiped his hands dry. He looked into his mug. Yeah, he had thought he had just wiped up about half a cup of coffee. He gave Cas another dirty look. He hoped Cas _was_ a witch and all that angel nonsense was bullshit because he'd gladly cut Cas loose and send hunters his way if he was a witch. Hell, maybe he'd do it anyway. Angels weren't human, right? He looked Cas over. He sighed annoyed. If there was a sorrier sack of humanity out there Dean would be impressed. He couldn't exactly send hunters after that now could he? ....dude was still an asshole though.

"Hexbags aren't unique to witches." Cas said. He took two creamers and a packet of sugar from the containers at the side of the table. He poured it all into his cup of coffee and stirred, "And you'll appreciate these hexbags. They'll hide you from demons and angels."

" _And_ angels?" Dean asked. Ha! He was _so_ going to catch Cas in a lie about this angel bullshit, "That mean I can ditch you?"

"I'm not really much of an angel anymore. I already have to track you down the old fashioned way." Cas said. He pushed the cup of coffee over to Dean and took the half empty cup.

"Hey!" Dean made a grab for his mug but Cas pulled back and drained it. He looked down at the mug in front of him (made up the way he liked). He looked up and narrowed his eyes at Cas. What was he up to? Making him bash his knee off the table one minute and giving him his coffee the next? He leaned back in his seat and left the coffee alone. It was definitely a trick. Probably a gay trick. Well Cas could keep his stupid trick gay coffee.

Cas shrugged innocently, "What?"

Dean was about to tell him off for the creepy foot thing and for whatever Cas had done to his coffee when Sam came over.

"Hey guys, Brady's interview is running late." Sam looked between Dean and Cas. Dean looked pissed and Cas looked innocently confused. He wondered what Cas had done this time to rile Dean up. "He's not gonna make it. So you might as well come eat with us."

"We're allowed to eat with you now? What a glorious turn of events." Cas said sliding out of the booth. He cast another look over at the senior ladies. They were looking more suspicious every minute.

Sam shot his brother a quiet, _what happened to you?_ look behind Cas's back.

Dean rolled his eyes. Wasn't it obvious?

Cas slid into the booth across from Jess. Dean took one look at the potential seating options leftover and darted towards Jess. Sam dashed in front of him and plunked down; a smug grin on his traitorous face. Dean spread his hands and tried to silently convey just how much of a douche bag Sam was being for making him sit beside Cas. Sam just smirked at him. God. He was surrounded. He sat down beside Cas and wasn't happy about it. Why did he always get stuck sitting beside Cas? He was already stuck _rooming_ with him for crying out loud!

The waitress appeared with four menus. She handed them out while asking about water and coffee refills.

Jess took her menu. Her eyebrows knitted together as she watched the waitress give Dean and Cas an odd look before she left. What was that about? That wasn't a _I'm annoyed by guys hitting on me_ look, which she kind of expected around Dean. She looked between Cas and Dean. Dean was carefully avoiding Cas as much as he could in the booth while Cas picked at a frayed edge of his menu. She arched an eyebrow then shook her head and opened up her menu. She heard Dean make an appreciative noise. She didn't even bother to look up, "Let me guess you saw the extra bacon cheeseburger?"

"Don't say it like _that."_ Dean said. No one should say extra bacon cheeseburger with so much sarcasm.... _any_ sarcasm.

"You're going to die of a heart attack by thirty." Jess said shaking her head. The last few weeks was making her understand why Sam's food habits had been atrocious when they had first met. It ran in the family.

Dean shrugged. That was a solid four years from now. He had more important things to worry about, like eating and finding the demon after Jess– _and holy crap!_ You could get _extra bacon_ on the extra bacon cheeseburger!

"Don't worry." Cas said eyeing the basket of jam and peanut butter, "I can attest that you don't die at thirty from over processed meat by-products."

Jess scoffed, "Don't encourage him."

Dean grinned. Alright so maybe Cas was okay. Some days. For limited periods of time.

"It will however wreak havoc on your digestive system." Cas grabbed a handful of peanut butter packets and shoved them in his jacket pocket. Just in case. "So if you don't want to rely on fibre supplements you should probably eat some whole grains and vegetables while you still can. It'll help out your sex life later on."

Jess couldn't stop the laugh that barked out of her. A near identical one came out of Sam so she didn't feel _too_ bad about it. The look on Dean's face wasn't helping. She pressed her lips together and bit down on them. It wasn't funny. Cas had been out right harassing Dean for days. If a guy said half the things Cas said to Dean to one of her girl friends she'd be stomping on their toes with a three inch heel. Someone really had to talk to Cas about it.

Sam started pulling out a folder of Dad's notes and weather reports from his bag and just in general tried to look busy instead of at the bright red Dean had turned. If this kind of thing hadn't been going on for awhile he'd have quite happily smirked and laughed at Dean's expense....and okay maybe he'd do it a little anyway but even with his vested brotherly interest of watching Dean squirm in embarrassing situations he was starting to feel bad for him...it was still pretty damn funny though. He smirked at one of Dad's notes.

Dean was torn between wanting to flee to his car and maybe punching Cas in the nose. What had happened to their agreement of _shutting the fuck up_ as long as Cas could drink and smoke up? Just when he was mustering up a good come back (really Dean?) the waitress drifted over and stopped at their table.

"Everyone ready to order?" The waitress said pouring water refills for Jess and Sam while casting a discerning eye at the now empty basket for the jam and peanut butter, "Or should I give you a few more minutes?"

Jess glanced around the table. Sam was hunched over a pile of papers smirking, Cas was absently picking at the menu again, and Dean looked like he was ready to...well she wasn't sure what that expression meant but knowing what she did about Dean a mouthful of greasy mea– okay she needed to stop right there. She looked back to the waitress, "I think we're good to go."

The waitress started at Jess and worked her way around- looking incredulous at Dean for the extra bacon on the extra bacon cheeseburger- to Cas, "And for you, hon?"

Cas shook his head, "Nothing.....thank you."

Jess frowned. She hadn't seen Cas eat much– ever– and Dean had mentioned the same thing a few times; wondering how Cas stayed upright considering the sheer amount of booze he drank (she wondered too). Well if he wouldn't eat something good for him maybe some sugary indulgence? "You've got to at least try one of their milkshakes, Cas. They're the _best._ They make their own ice cream on the premises."

She watched Cas open his mouth to say no, "Come on, Cas. Just try one. You won't be disappointed."

The waitress looked to Cas again. Cas stared back, eyes flicking between the waitress, Jess, and Dean. He didn't like eating out in the open...not that this was really out in the open. And it wasn't like anything was waiting in the back room to tear them apart (just a demon potentially). It just didn't feel... _safe_ to be eating where anything could see him. His fingers curled up defensively into fists. He shot another look at Dean and wished his Dean had bothered to tell him about this trip into the past because there were several containers of Xanax and Valium stashed in his cabin that he would have brought with him.

Dean couldn't believe that the guy who was **never** at a loss for stupid shit to say to _him_ couldn't spit out an answer to a waitress and- of all things- looked like he was waiting for him to give him an answer on whether he should eat something. _What a freakin' weirdo_. Dean rolled his eyes, "You can't just grab all the peanut butter and not buy anything."

Cas studied Dean for a moment before looking back to the waitress, "...alright."

"What flavour?" The waitress asked jotting down a milkshake on her notepad.

Cas glanced to Dean again for an answer. What sort of flavours did milkshakes even come in? He had bought one once before for Dean but had left it up to the employee at the restaurant to make the decision on flavour. They probably didn't come in benzodiazepine flavours. Probably.

Dean glowered at Cas because no way was he falling for this trick. He knew what Cas was doing. He was trying to play up that whole porn-sweetheart thing from before. Well no freakin' way. Cas could shove it.

Cas turned to Jess and shrugged.

Wow. Jess had not thought a milkshake would defeat Cas's snarking, "Try the strawberry chocolate. Actually I'll have one too."

Cas nodded and turned back to the waitress, "Strawberry chocolate."

The waitress scribbled it down and tapped her pen to the notepad before picking up the menus and leaving.

Jess tapped out the song _Milkshake_ as they waited in a really _really_ awkward silence. She'd need a steak knife to cut the tension between Cas and Dean. Maybe a chainsaw considering the look on Dean's face when Cas edged a little closer to him. The silence broke when Cas asked her for a pencil and a scrap of paper. Jess dug through her bag and brought out a notebook and a pen. She handed them over, "What're you writing?"

"A list of things we need if you'd like to continue to avoid demons." Cas said as he quickly started filling the page with ingredients. He tore the page off and folded it in half. He handed the notebook and pen back to Jess then offered the folded page to Dean.

Dean glared down at it. He kind of wanted to continue thinking up ways to get revenge on Cas.....but hiding from demons took precedent. Didn't mean he had to like it. Or Cas. He took the piece of paper and opened it up to read through it. Some of the items would be hard to find without having any contacts in town but the rest looked easy.

"Is it like the holy water?" Jess asked.

"In that it affects creatures of spiritual intent? Yes." Cas said watching Dean read the note over, "Beyond that it's nothing similar."

"...how does holy water even work? I mean, I know, _magic_. But..... ** _how_** _?"_ That had been bugging Jess every class she had today. She'd put the bottle of holy water on the edge of her desk or hold onto it in a lecture and every so often she'd glance over because there was literally _magic water_ sitting on her desk. That was something straight out of Harry Potter.

Cas licked his lips then motioned for the pen and notepad again and started writing.

Jess watched as Cas filled up three pages with words, numbers, and symbols. He handed it back a few minutes later. She looked at the pages. Her eyebrows slowly crawled up her forehead. .....what the hell did any of this mean? She should have just taken magic as the answer.

Jess was still staring at the pages, with an occasional comment from Cas to "help" her understand, when lunch came. She shoved the notebook back in her bag. Sam and Dean had already dug into their respective meals but she was busy watching Cas squint at the milkshake in front of him like it might bite. She leaned forward a little when Cas finally picked it up and took a hesitant sip, "It's the best you've ever had right?"

Cas let the explosion of chocolate and strawberry flood across his tongue. It almost reminded him of these stale strawberry filled chocolates they had found once, just not as plastic-y tasting. It was...okay. He set it down, "It's the _only_ one I've ever head."

Jess's eyebrows went up again, "How have you _never_ had a milkshake before?"

"How long do you think dairy products last during the apocalypse?" Cas retorted.

Dean almost opened his mouth to ask if that was why Cas had been sketched out ordering pizza that first week he had shown up but then he remembered he was still pissed at Cas. He took another bite of his burger– _extra bacon cheeseburger_ (basically sex on a bun). Hopefully Cas wouldn't do anything to ruin it because it was awesome. This place was definitely on the list of places they were coming back to.

" _Dean_. So get—"

"Dude, don't ruin my burger with research." Dean whined. Was it so much to ask to just be left alone for ten minutes to eat in peace? First Cas and now Sam? He cast a look over at Jess wondering she was going to do.

"It's about Dad." Sam said flatly.

Alright, now _that_ was a reasonable thing to interrupt a burger for. Dean put his extra bacon cheeseburger down. He waved a hand at the folder Sam had been reading, "You think you figured something out?"

Sam nodded, "One of those evidence boxes is filled with weather reports. Extreme temperature fluctuations, electrical storms."

Dean shrugged, "...and that helps us find Dad how?"

Cas rolled his eyes. He swallowed his sip of milkshake, "They're demonic signs. It's a pattern."

"Yeah. Or at least I think they might be." Sam said wondering if Cas just knew about demonic signs or if he knew about _these_ ones. He cast a speculative look at Cas then turned back to Dean, "I didn't put it together until just now but I think they're almost like warning signs that the demon is going to strike."

"They aren't _almost like_ , they **are**." Cas said. The longer he was around this younger Sam and Dean the more he wondered how they managed to start the apocalypse, "And they're aren't going to help you find your father any time soon."

Jess frowned. Demonic signs? Weather fluctuations? She pulled out her laptop.

"And _why_ won't that help us, exactly?" Dean said sarcastically. This was the only lead they had and it was a _good_ lead, "Our Dad has been looking for the thing that killed our Mom for twenty years. We find The Demon we find Dad."

"Because your father isn't chasing The Demon– and it's called Azazel by the way. He's _tracking it_ until he finds something that can kill it and as far as I know he isn't going to figure that out for a couple of months." Cas paused to take a long sip of milkshake before he added, "At least, that's what you told me."

"That's what I told you." Dean muttered under his breath. Fuck. His future self picked a crappy representative. Why hadn't Cas volunteered that information earlier? Would have been nice to know that Cas was on a first name basis with The Demon that killed Mom.

"So what's he going to find that can kill a demon?" Sam asked. Cas was adamant that his dagger could kill demons but Sam wasn't sure he believed that. All the lore about demons said they couldn't be killed, only exorcized, and now Dad was going to find something else that could kill demons? "Are there more of your daggers out there?"

"There shouldn't be." Cas said shaking his head. Things would be so much easier if he had more than one angel blade. He should look into where the Knife is. Where had Ruby found it? He set that question aside for later, "What your father is going to find—" Cas stopped. Was he really going to start this search all over again? He clenched his hands into fists again, finger nails digging into his palm, "[–is a gun](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5234405)."

"A gun?" Dean said incredulously, "You can't kill demons with _guns_."

"You can with this gun." Cas said. He kept his eyes away from Sam. Looking at Dean wasn't much better. That stupid fucking gun had caused so many problems.

Dean's lips curled in disgust. Magic guns? Really? He shook his head, "Alright, so he's looking for a magic gun. Where is it?"

Cas shrugged. He didn't know and if he never heard about that stupid fucking gun again he'd die happy, but he wasn't going to let himself be happy was he? Of course not. He was going to encourage this Dean to start the hunt for it all over again. Fuck. "Don't know. Some vampire hunter has it."

"A _vampire_ hunter?" Sam said, a bit of a laugh in his voice at all the impossible- even for them- things that were adding up these past few weeks.

"Vampires don't exist." Dean said.

"The first casualty of war is innocence." Cas retorted and it appeared this time around he was going to be the one that destroyed it. Maybe he should find that stupid fucking gun now and just put it in Dean's hand and get it all over with.

"So you're saying they exist." Dean said. Angels, now vampires? What next unicorns?

Cas waved a hand at the various things in existence around them, "Teeth and all."

"Great. Just great. Magic guns and vampires." Dean pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. Unicorns were looking a lot more likely when he put it like that.

"How extreme were the temperature changes?" Jess interjected.

Sam turned to Jess confused, "What?"

"You said there were temperature fluctuations." Jess said. She ran her fingers nervously over the keyboard of her laptop. "How extreme were they?"

"Ummm....sometimes huge like, enough to freeze water in the middle of summer but some were just a bit beyond normal....why?" Sam asked. He frowned when he looked down and saw the agitated flow of Jess's fingers over the laptop.

"Because it was frigid for _weeks_ before the fire. I...I wasn't sure if I was remembering it right with everything that happened after." Jess said. She pushed the laptop over to Sam. She felt as cold as she had those weeks before the fire. She knew the demon had to have been following her before the fire- Cas had said after all that it was possessing someone they knew- but she hadn't thought it would go back _weeks_. A demon had been following her for _weeks_ and she hadn't known. If Dean and Cas hadn't shown up that night...she slunk down in the seat protectively. One of her friends had been possessed by a demon for _weeks_ and she hadn't noticed anything different. Had she talked to it? She shivered. She had thought it would have possessed someone a few days before, just long enough to figure out their schedules, but she hadn't thought it would _weeks_ before.

Sam pulled the laptop closer and read through the articles Jess had pulled up. When he thought back to those weeks before he _did_ remember the weather being a little unusual but he hadn't realized just _how_ unusual it had been. He opened up a new window and did a search for electrical storms. There had been a couple of pretty big ones leading up to the night the apartment burnt down but the one that made his blood turn cold was the freak storm over Los Angeles County right when they had gone there to visit friends. That storm had started a 24 000 acre fire, thousands of people had to be evacuated. What if that fire had started because of him?

Sam read through a few more articles about freak storms going back months. He glanced at the folder on the table. A ball of anger that he hadn't felt in awhile threatened to spring up. He hadn't looked through all the weather reports yet and the ones he had brought with him were all from Utah, but what if inside that evidence box back at the hotel there was a folder marked California, Santa Clara County.....what if Dad had known?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But really, how long would dairy products last? Imagine the only cheese you've eaten in years is spray cheese. Ugh and might I add blech.
> 
> In the previous part Jess mentioned that they had been in Los Angeles about a month ago. The fire that she was thinking about then and Sam is thinking about now was a real fire known as the Topanga Fire and went from September 28 to October 6 before it was contained. After some digging around I found out that Stanford's classes would have started on the 26th of September so lets just go with that most of Sam and Jess's classes started a few days late. 
> 
> If you didn't catch the Terminator reference: what is wrong with you?
> 
> Dean is loosely quoting Grease. Particularly this verse:
> 
> If you're filled with affection  
> You're too shy to convey  
> Meditate my direction  
> Feel your way
> 
> (I'll leave it up to you to think about that)
> 
> "The first casualty of war is innocence." Is the tagline for the movie Platoon (1986).
> 
> Since no one guessed it Brady's screen name: A6Blues is referring to the infamous Captain Trips. There's a short story where it's referred to as A6 and in the Stand its code name is Project Blue. ....evidently I'm just assuming everyone has read the Stand and knows what Captain Trips is. Okay, so for people who don't know Captain Trips was a weaponized strain of the flu that killed pretty much everyone except for a select few. The Brady demon reads apparently.
> 
> Bonus: I decided to illustrate how creepy Cas is actually being when he says the things he says to Dean. [You can check it out here](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/post/98944017081/so-i-thought-id-illustrate-just-how-friggin).


	5. Get it over with

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many motel room doors had he walked through to find a severely pissed off Dean on the other side? He shrugged. He'd probably have quite a few more of those doors to walk through while he botched this whole stop the apocalypse plan Dean had hatched. He headed in; might as well get it over with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: It's still Early November. The first time Dean and Sam get any indication that John is even alive in canon doesn't happen until December. Until then John's number was out of service.
> 
> If you're interested in progress reports, research, or if you too are on your way to Jupiter on a mission of love you can find me at [Brains for baby jesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/). Won't you buy my brains?

Cas rolled down the window in the backseat. He pulled out the baggy of joints in his breast pocket and took one out along with his lighter.

"Dean's going to be pissed that you're smoking in the car." Jess said absently while watching him light the joint.

Cas shrugged. He waved a hand towards the motel where Sam and Dean were currently having it out about (what else?) their father, "And that would change things...?"

Jess looked at the hotel room and didn't say anything. She had never seen Sam that upset before. Granted, if her father had known about the pending murder of Sam she'd be pretty upset too. Still...the way Sam and Dean were arguing was kind of scary. It had started up in the diner and gotten worse in the car and it had turned into... she felt kind of sick. She had never seen Sam so close to violence before.

Cas watched Jess. He could see the creeping concern written all over her face. Obviously Sam had never gotten into a typical Winchester family argument in front of her before. He offered her the joint (it'll take the edge off), "Want some?"

Jess hesitated for a second before taking it. She had half expected Cas to gloat over it but he sat quietly and stared at the hotel. She meant to take just a small puff but it slowly turned into a longer one. She coughed. She hadn't done that in awhile. Not since high school. She passed it back to him, "You don't seem too concerned about this."

"Winchester explosions aren't exactly a foreign concept to me." Cas said and took another drag from the joint.

"You saw a lot of that? In the... _future?"_ Jess still had a hard time believing Cas was actually from the future. Sure he knew things but.....time traveller from the future didn't sound believable even in her head let alone saying it out loud. Ghosts that could drive cars sounded more believable.

"Saw it. Been caught up in it." Cas shrugged, he had started his fair share of them too. They never lasted too long. Dean and Sam would have their spat and that would be it– until it boiled over again. He brought the joint up to his lips again as some of the more...[ _intense_ memories](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5304749) crowded in. He frowned and rubbed at the ghost of pain in his jaw, "....he cracked my jaw once. Hurt for a week. But I could still heal then. A fracture wasn't much to worry about." There had been other things to worry about, that building anger, hurting Dean, everyone around him dying. He shook his head, "....now I get a paper cut and it takes a week to close up."

Jess flinched at the casual way Cas had said that. If what Cas said was true, that him and Dean were an item in the future- at the very least she'd still stake the ghost of her Buffy DVDs on Cas being in love with Dean-, that was _horrible_. Cas had _stayed_ with someone that had _fractured_ his jaw?

"What?" Cas asked letting smoke trail from his mouth. Jess was staring at him strangely, like he was bleeding out on the backseat beside her.

"He'd hit you?" Jess asked quietly. She wasn't sure if she really wanted an answer but it made a twisted kind of sense when she thought about Cas's behaviour towards Dean. If Dean was physically abusive maybe Cas's only weapon had been words?

[This again](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5304809)? Really? Cas rolled his eyes, "We'd hit each other."

Jess kept looking at him with that _you're bleeding out_ expression and didn't say anything. Cas sighed. Why was everyone always so worried about _him_ when they should be worried about _Dean?_ He was the leftover bits of an angel. He could pack a harder wallop than Dean ever could. Why was it always left up to him to be worried about Dean? The things Dean had done for the whole sorry lot of humanity and yet they were always so quick to tear him down... He shook his head, "Dean's not a bad man."

Jess didn't look convinced and she didn't feel convinced either. That sick feeling in her stomach got worse. She glanced back at the hotel worried. If Dean was someone that would hit his partner, what about Sam...?

"Trust me." Cas said seeing a new wave of worry spring up on Jess, "If it comes down to it, you want Dean in your corner."

Jess looked at the motel room still uncertain. Dean seemed like a nice guy....minus all the guns and knives, impersonating the police, fake identities, fraudulent credits cards– **_holy shit._** Who the hell had she been living next to these past few weeks? And Sam had kept all that secret for _years?_ How much more was Sam keeping covered up?

"Sounds like they're winding down." Cas said nodding towards the motel. The shouting had stopped. He'd give it a few more minutes before they went in; let Dean simmer down first.

The door to Jess and Sam's motel room flung open. Sam looked around worried until he caught sight of the impala. Cas could see the fearful tension drain away when Sam saw that Jess was safe. Cas snorted and rolled his eyes. _Winchesters_. They got so involved in their own fucking problems they forgot about everything else– then got worried about it after the fact. Well wasn't it just lucky for Sam that he was here to make sure Jess was alright well he forgot about her. He let out a derisive laugh. _Winchesters_. He shook his head.

Jess studied Sam from the car. She couldn't quite reconcile the Sam she knew with the snarling argument that had been going on this afternoon. She opened the car door and slowly got out. Sam was beside her in three quick strides. She hesitantly let him pull her into a hug. She expected it to feel different but it didn't. It felt the same. It was her that felt different, like something cool was starting to creep inside her. How did Sam just switch all that anger on and off?

Cas watched them go inside. No one, of course, came to see if he was alright (why would they?). He finished his joint, got out of the car, and snuffed the end out on the pavement. He stared at the motel room door for a minute. How many motel room doors had he walked through to find a severely pissed off Dean on the other side? He shrugged. He'd probably have quite a few more of those doors to walk through while he botched this whole stop the apocalypse plan Dean had hatched. He headed in; might as well get it over with.

Dean bristled as soon as he caught sight of him. Cas hadn't really expected anything different (it didn't make it hurt less). He took his flask out and refilled it from one of the bottles on the dresser. He drank half then refilled it again. He went over to his bed and sat down without a word. It'd just be a matter of time before Dean tried to drag him into the collateral blow out. Well, just let Dean try. He had a few choice words saved up for just such an occasion.

Dean ignored Cas being his usual alcoholic self. Instead of pointing out Cas's many faults, from alcoholism to...something that started with a Z, he grumbled to himself and cleaned up the papers from the evidence boxes. Dad wasn't even here and Sam was trying to fight with him. It was ridiculous. He _knew_ there wouldn't be a folder of weather reports for Palo Alto. Dad wouldn't find something like that out and not try to protect Sam from it. Dad wouldn't keep something like _that_ a secret.

He stowed the folders away and stacked the evidence boxes up in the corner. Dean stared at them. This was everything they had on Dad. This was their big lead and half of it didn't make sense- Dad wrote like freakin' Yoda- and Cas said what did make sense wasn't even going to help them find him. Fuck. Where the hell was Dad? He had tried to phone right after Sam's apartment burned down but Dad's cell phone was still out of service. He had been trying every number he knew since Dad went missing and still nothing.

And Dad missing wasn't even his only problem. There was _The_ Demon out there- Cas had called it Azazel- and _another_ demon gunning after Jess and probably Sam and he had a drunk and high hippy tagging along and– **fuck!** He sat down on his bed. He wiped his hand over his face a few times and groaned. Fuck. If he didn't believe Cas before that this was the beginning of the end of the world he was starting to now. Demons everywhere and Dad missing. That sounded like the run-up to the apocalypse.

On the topic of Cas, what the hell was he up to? Dean had caught Cas moving around the room out of the corner of his eye before the weirdo finally came to a stop beside him. Cas just stood there and stared at him like the freak that he was. Dean stubbornly didn't acknowledge him but Cas didn't move. He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Don't fucking start right now man. I'm not–."

Cas held out a bottle of beer. Dean looked at it surprised for a moment before taking it. Cas retreated to the other side of the room. He watched Dean roll the beer in his hand. He had been expecting that secondary flare up of anger but it hadn't happened. Dean had sat down on the bed and looked...painfully defeated.

Dean frowned at the bottle. He could definitely go for a beer right now but Cas being nice? Yeah right. Something was up, "What'd you do to it?"

"What'd I do to it?" Cas said mildly incredulous, "It's a sealed bottle. What _could_ I do to it?"

Dean looked down at the bottle. Cas had a point. And it wasn't like Cas had disappeared with it first. It had come straight from the mini fridge. He popped the cap off with his ring. He took a sip then let out a long painful breath. He hated being this worked up and worried about Dad and Sam...and Jess too. He hated _fighting_ about Dad; it was exhausting. Dad had tried his best. Why couldn't Sam see that? They shouldn't be fighting about Dad. They should be looking for more demonic signs to see if the demon was still around stalking Jess. He took another sip of beer. He could feel Cas staring at him, "Come on, just say it."

Cas took a gulp from his flask and swallowed before answering, "Say what?"

"Whatever it is you're going to say." Dean said. He knew he was leaving himself open; just one big easy target. Might as well get it over with.

There was that defeated tone again. Cas shrugged in discomfort. He could have dealt with anger better than he could that tone. What did he do about that? That wasn't....that wasn't _Dean_. That was it, wasn't it? It _wasn't_ Dean. Not his anyway. He drained his flask and went back over to the dresser to fill it up again. He went back to his bed after and quietly sat down. Now what? He watched Dean drink his beer for a moment before grabbing the tv remote off the bedside table. He turned the tv on and flicked through channels, a black and white show caught his attention. The Untouchables with Robert Stack. He tossed the remote over to Dean's bed then squirmed backwards on his own bed to lean against the wall.

Dean glanced behind himself when he felt something land on the bed. The tv remote. He looked over at Cas then to the tv. A bemused smile snuck its way onto his face. He used to watch this show when he was just a kid. He glanced back at Cas and tried to figure out if Cas was up to something or if he just had good taste in tv. He gave a half hearted shrug and took another sip of beer. If Cas wanted to lay off being an asshole for awhile he wasn't going to stop him.

It was three more sips of beer before Dean couldn't stop himself from asking Cas a question, "You're _sure_ Dad's alive out there somewhere?"

Cas turned to look at Dean. Dean was resolutely keeping his eyes on the screen but Cas recognized the tension in those shoulders. Was John alive? Right now, yes. Give it a year and probably not. He'd screw this up and John would sell his soul and die and the beginning of the end would start all over again. Dean couldn't even begin to know what was coming. Sure, he had told Dean but as the saying went, knowing and believing are two different things. And who was going to believe the broken angel? He took a sip from his flask, "Your father's fine."

Dean nodded and tried not to think about how he was content to believe a drug addled hippy because it was better than the alternative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to not write up the whole Sam and Dean argument because we've canonically seen enough Sam and Dean argue about John, Sam arguing with John, Sam and John arguing and Dean trying to mediate to know what a "Dad knew/No he didn't" argument would look like. I would say that the great thing about fanfiction is sometimes you don't have to show or tell for everyone to know what you're talking about.
> 
> A rambling author's opinion: I feel like it's never really appreciated just how scary some of the things Sam and Dean do would be from an outsiders point of view (except for Aaron. Aaron had it right). And especially for Jess, I mean, here's this sweet floppy haired guy she's dated for awhile who's probably never just _lost it_ in front of her before having a yelling match with his equally terrifying brother who both admit to running around the country scamming credit cards, desecrating gravesites, and killing things that look human. Being a lone female (or anyone really) in a room with an epic Winchester family fight going down would have to be, at the very least, worrisome. 
> 
> The Untouchables tv series 1959 to 1963, I figure it's the kind of thing that would have been on in cheap motels while Dean was growing up. That's my explanation for why Dean fangirls over Eliot Ness. I think the whole series is on youtube now.
> 
> As a side note, apparently Misha Collins and Adrianne Palicki are the same height, nearly six feet that is. That means Adrianne Palicki is nearly as tall Jensen Ackles and only a few inches shorter than Jared Padalecki. The four of them are basically the Tall Squad.
> 
>  
> 
> ****If you're not following along with the companion piece****
> 
> You might be wondering, was 2014!Dean a spouse abusing asshole? 
> 
> No.
> 
> Cas is coming from the 2014!enderverse which is significantly darker then 2005. But essentially we know canonically that Dean and Cas had a tendency, during the apocalypse, to deal with high strung emotions by either Dean punching Cas in the face or Cas beating the crap out of Dean in an alley. That's what they did when they actually managed to stop the apocalypse. So I tried to project that into what would happen if they didn't stop the apocalypse and everything just got progressively worse and worse. My guess was that arguments would likely get worse and more physical.
> 
> With the world ending I couldn't fathom a scenario where they wouldn't take out their frustrations on each other physically in some way, shape, or form and Cas is just thinking about some of the lowest of low points before they got together at the moment. If you click through the link "intense memories" in this chapter you'll see that it wasn't as if it was one sided. Cas made mistakes and took things a little too far just as often as Dean did. That aggressive physicality has always been a part of their relationship (friendship or otherwise).
> 
> And don't forget, Jess, Sam, and 2005!Dean don't have any background knowledge on what an angel is and what they're capable of. If someone casually said, "Oh, we met in a barn when he stabbed me in the chest." to you, you're immediate thought wouldn't be, "Well that's alright! You make a great couple!" It would be very disconcerting. Well, at least I'd be very disconcerted about that. 
> 
> To sum up, 2014!Dean wasn't a spouse abusing asshole. Cas just doesn't always think about how he's wording things.


	6. The makeover montage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have lots of faith." Dean said. 
> 
> "Oh? You do, do you? In what?" Cas took another bite of his burger, "And porn doesn't count Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***There's smut through the link***

Dean wasn't blind- and he wasn't deaf either- something has been up with Sam and Jess since him and Sam had that argument about Dad. He could feel the tension in the car as he drove them back to the motel from their last class for the week (who _chose_ a class at 8am?) but Sam wasn't talking about it so he wasn't about to ask. Not like he could offer any brotherly advice anyway. He didn't have the best track record for...well any of that relationship stuff. Being a drifter pretty much guaranteed it didn't end well.

Dean pulled up in front of their motel rooms a few minutes later. Sam and Jess waited in the car while him and Cas checked out the motel rooms. They had stayed in these rooms longer than they had any of the others. Dean was getting worried it was leaving them open to being followed and attacked. He'd just have to put his foot down about that. He checked his watch. It was ten am (seriously 8am class, who _did_ that?). Check out was at noon. Alright, they'd eat then check out.

The motel rooms passed inspection. Sam and Jess headed in with the bags of take out. Dean's brow wrinkled in concern when Jess sped up half a step as she went pass him. What _was_ that about? Not only had things been tense between Sam and Jess the last day and a half but she was acting weird around him too now. He shot a look at Cas. He wasn't sure how but it was probably Cas's fault.

They fell into routine. Sam and Jess went into their room to drop off their school bags. Dean unpacked lunch while Cas sat on one of the beds occasionally drinking but always staring at him.

Dean tossed a foil wrapped hamburger at Cas, "Quit staring and eat."

Cas caught the hamburger in one hand. He had a brief inclination to throw it back at Dean- he'd eat when he needed to, thank you very much- but instead he set his flask down and started unwrapping the hamburger. But only because he actually _was_ hungry.

"I've been reading over the weather reports for the last two weeks." Sam said coming back into the other room. He had his laptop in hand. Half a dozen windows open with weather reports and unusual occurrences in the area, "Everything's quieted down. There hasn't been anything unusual since the night of the fire."

"So what? It left?" Dean asked before taking a bit from his own hamburger.

"I dunno. Maybe it got caught in the fire and..." Sam shrugged, " _...died_. Or whatever it is demons do."

"Fire won't kill a demon. It'll just smoke out." Cas said from the bed.

"Smoke out?" Sam asked.

"Leave their host." Cas clarified. Had they really never seen a demon first hand before the apocalypse started rolling? "Most demons can't take on a solid form on earth. They look like a column of smoke...very aggressive smoke with a nasty temper."

"...oh." Sam said trying to imagine what that would look like.

Dean could see the _I want to research that_ look on Sam's face. If he let Sam get into his research mode they'd never leave today. He swallowed his bite of burger, "Well if it's not dead, we should ditch this pink poodle nightmare before checkout today and find somewhere new to lay low."

Sam opened his mouth about to disagree but...they really _had_ been in this motel for quite awhile. If something was following them it wouldn't be long before it followed them here– and the pink poodle themed rooms were getting old. He shrugged, "Alright but I want to get my hands on a copy of the police report of the fire and look it over this weekend. Maybe the police found something strange and just don't know it yet."

An amused chuckle left Dean, "And how do you plan on getting that? Mr. I'm not a hunter anymore."

"Well..." Sam shrugged and motioned to Dean. He had just assumed Dean would have another go at impersonating the police. Hopefully this time with fewer arrests and less besieging police stations.

Dean shook his head. He took another bite of his burger and chewed for a few seconds before talking around it, "Dude, I was there when you gave them your statement about the fire. I would've already gone in for the report by now if I didn't think they'd recognize me."

Sam looked at Dean a little surprised– and a bit grossed out by the front row seat he was getting of Dean's half chewed burger. He had figured that Dean had been more preoccupied with worrying about Dad. He shrugged at Dean in a sort of vague _yeah thought you forgot, sorry about that_ way.

As if he'd _forget_. Dean gave Sam a _woe is me_ look. He swallowed his bite of burger. He shook his head with mock solemnity, "Come on Sam, have some faith in me."

Cas barked out a laugh. Oh yes, have faith in Dean Winchester because he was just brimming with faith himself, wasn't he? Cas let out another snort of sarcastic laughter.

Dean turned a wary eye on Cas, "What?"

"Nothing. Go on." Cas said. He smirked as he took a bite from his burger, "Tell me about all this faith you have."

Sam wrinkled his nose at Cas's mouthful of food. Then his eyebrows scrunched together because he had just realized that the way Cas ate was weirdly _Dean_. He had been noticing a lot of tiny mannerisms Cas had that were things Dean did in the last two weeks– and had been staying absolutely quiet about it to keep the peace.

"I have lots of faith." Dean said trying to hide a smirk because he had just worked out their problem. Cas had sat in the car- well he had _made_ Cas sit in the car because he had been a cranky withdrawing asshole- while the rest of them had gone into the station so Sam and Jess could make their statement. The cops hadn't seen Cas.

"Oh? You do, do you? In what?" Cas took another bite of his burger, "And porn doesn't count Dean."

"You."

Cas's eyes went wide in shock. He took in a sharp breath and promptly started choking on his hamburger. He leaned forward trying to cough the half chewed meat out of his lungs.

Dean laughed at the bug-eyed look on Cas's face. Ha! He had _finally_ got the drunk hippy at a loss for words– even if that was only because he was choking a bit.

Sam shrugged and said a confused, "What?"

Dean grinned wickedly over at Cas who was still hacking away. He turned back to Sam, "You want the police report right?"

Sam nodded.

"Well you don't want to besmirch you perfect record, I'm gonna guess Jess doesn't want to do it either, and they'll probably recognize all three of us anyway. So–" Dean waved to Cas who looked like he was having a bit of a crisis of reality now that he had stopped coughing. He was going to have to remember that faith line if it got Cas _that_ worked up.

"....Cas?" Sam glanced over. Cas was still recovering from choking on hamburger and shooting odd nervous looks at Dean while dressed in a ratty military style jacket and jeans that were more holes than jeans. Not to mention the mess of hair and the excessive scruff on his jaw. Sam couldn't see anyone mistaking Cas for law enforcement of any kind. A criminal maybe...which he was one considering all the pot the guy smoked but...well...who else would they get to do it?

Cas did his best to ignore the smirk on Dean's face (fuck you, Fearless Leader), instead he concentrated on the appraising look Sam was giving him, "No."

"They probably _would_ recognize all of us but you." Sam said. It wasn't a great plan but it _was_ a plan and that police report might have something they could use to keep Jess safe.

"Nope. Not doing it." Cas shook his head adamantly. He couldn't go into a police station for a hunt. He could go into one to get Dean out but to go in for a hunt? That was...that was something he would have done with Dean– _had_ done with Dean. _His_ Dean. "Besides, I'm terrible at talking to police. Find someone else to go."

"You can't be that bad at it." Dean said. Half of talking to the cops was being sure of yourself and Cas was...well he was full of himself. That was _like_ confidence. "You said you've been hanging around me for years. You probably just look bad in comparison to my awesome abilities."

Sam snorted in laughter. He had to talk to Dean one of these days and make sure he didn't really think he was Batman....or Elliot Ness...or John Wayne.

"Shave the road kill off your face and throw on a suit and don't start throwing punches. It's not that hard." Dean said enjoying the way Cas was practically squirming. So faith and talking to cops were Cas's weak points? Well, they'd see who came out on top the next time Cas started saying all that... _gay stuff_. "I'll take care of the FBI badge and ID while we eat. Then we pack up, hit up a print shop, and commit some crimes."

Cas scowled at Dean. He wasn't going.

"Come on." Dean said blatantly enjoying watching Cas look uncomfortable for once. Sure the dude had had his meltdown a couple weeks back but they were **_both_** pretending that didn't happen. At least that was something Dean could agree on with Cas.

Cas glared and tried not to look directly at Dean. Dean still had that smug look on his face as if he knew he had already won. And he _hadn't_. Because he wasn't going to do it.

"I thought you were supposed to be helping me? Didn't future me say he had faith in you?" Dean didn't even try to pretend he was sincere about it. It was just too goddamn satisfying to finally find the thing that made Cas squirm. He was _so_ gonna get him back for playing footsies in the restaurant the other day.

" _Fine_." Cas said through a clenched jaw. How did he let Dean talk him into these things? He scooped up his flask and took a sip. He was going to need to drink a lot more before he could try out talking to the police a second time around, "I'll go.... _but I'm not wearing a **suit**."_

"You can't show up to a police station in jeans and a beat up jacket and claim to be FBI." Sam said finally thinking to sit down and start eating. Not that he had to worry about Dean trying to steal his salad.

"Yes I can." Cas said before taking another gulp from his flask. Did they have more booze in the trunk of the car? He was going to need it.

Sam looked to Dean. Whether Dean noticed it (or wanted to admit it) or not Cas would usually do something if Dean told him to. Which was a little strange considering how most of Cas's behaviour was more _I do what I want when I want_ but a lot about Cas was strange when it came to Dean.

Dean shrugged at Sam. He'd just drive them over to a place that rented suits and stuff Cas into one when they got there. No point in arguing about it now.

"So...did I hear all that correctly?" Jess said coming into the room. She picked up her lunch, debated on sitting somewhere else then decided she wasn't about to scare that easily and sat at the table, "We're planning a fun afternoon of breaking the law again?"

"Yep." Dean said cheerfully. He pulled Sam's laptop away from the oversized nerd. Making up a new ID shouldn't take long. If that was a legitimate career he could go into business for himself. Hell, he probably could anyway. There were a lot of under 21s that liked to go drinking, "Either of you have a camera?"

"Jess's phone has one." Sam offered.

"Thanks for offering to make me an accessory." Jess said as she stabbed at her salad. She had been seriously contemplating her life choices and situation the last few days. Something- _a demon_ \- was potentially trying to murder her and staying with Sam, his brother, and Cas was _probably_ the safest thing to do from that standpoint. But the casual criminal behaviour was...dubious at best.

Sam stayed quiet. They had been arguing since yesterday about... a lot of things, but most of it had to do with hunting and how sketchy it looked from an outsider's perspective....it was pretty sketchy though.

Dean took the awkward silence between the two love birds as his cue to head out to the car and grab one of his fake FBI badges. When he came back in Jess's phone was sitting on the table beside Sam's laptop. He didn't say a thing about it (never look a gift horse in the mouth) but he did have a few things to say to Cas. He dug into his bag for his toiletry kit. He threw it at Cas. As much as he didn't want to share he knew Cas didn't own a razor, "Quit drinking and make yourself up for the camera."

Cas caught the bag in one hand before it hit him in the chest. With the other hand he tipped his flask up to his lips. He'd quit drinking when it was empty. He tipped the flask up further and drained it. That wasn't enough. He glanced over at the dresser. There was still a quarter of a bottle of Everclear. He got up, toiletry kit in hand, and grabbed the bottle off the dresser before heading into the bathroom. He cast a last glance at Dean over his shoulder. He really wasn't sure if hate or love was the appropriate word for what he felt towards Dean.

Dean smirked at Cas lingering near the bathroom door like the thought of shaving might be the worst thing on the planet. He made a shooing motion with his hands, "Try not to nick yourself too many times. Don't need you looking like you fought a lawnmower and lost in the ID picture."

Hate. The appropriate word was hate. Cas glared at Dean and his stupid smirk and his even worse sense of humour. He closed the bathroom door behind him and set the kit down. He unscrewed the bottle of booze and took a long sip. He set the bottle down. He unzipped the bag and started poking around. Dean had a couple of new plastic disposable razors in there, along with the usual things he'd expect. He took out a new razor and set it down on the counter. He stared at it. He glanced up at the mirror then back down to the razor. He looked back up to the mirror. He grabbed the bottle of booze and gulped some more down. He dug through Dean's kit again and took out scissors. He set them down beside the razor and stared.

Okay.... Alrighty. He could do this. For Dean. _His_ Dean. Not the smug asshole out there. And it wasn't as if he hadn't done this before. He picked up the scissors first. He started cutting. Just enough so his hair wasn't hanging in his eyes anymore. He wasn't cutting it **_that_** short. It wouldn't be like it was back **_then_**. He did his best to not look at his face as a whole but rather just where the scissors were going.

When he had his hair cut back- only a _little_. It didn't look **anything** like it did before- he slammed the scissors down and grabbed the bottle again. A few fortifying sips later he was ready for the hard part. Shaving was always the hard part. He looked too much like...like the _angel_ he was supposed to be. The angel that had decided to save Dean and stop the apocalypse— _and failed_.

He took a deep breath then turned the water on, wet his face, grabbed the soap, and lathered his jaw up before he could get too worked up and back out of it. He could really go for that bottle of Xanax he had in his dresser back in his cabin right about now.

\---

They packed while they waited for Cas. Dean would never have pegged the scruffy hippy for a bathroom diva but anytime Cas disappeared into the bathroom it was usually an hour long event with or without emotional trauma involved.

When the door to the bathroom popped open finally no one came out. Dean watched and waited. What was his least favourite hippy up to? "Gonna hide in the bathroom all day, Marcia? I swear I won't make fun of your nose."

Cas pulled his sweater and jacket (aren't those Dean's?) tighter around himself. He wasn't sure what was worse seeing himself in the mirror looking like this or letting Dean see. He took a deep breath and launched himself out of the bathroom. He set straight to checking the motel rooms for forgotten items and making sure his bag was packed properly instead of thinking about what he looked like.

Dean's eyebrows shot up. He had expected Cas too look like a goofball clean shaven- the perfect FBI photo- but Cas actually looked half way to presentable. Wait. Cas presentable? Yeah right. He chuckled to himself, "Who woulda guessed there'd be a face under all that."

Cas leaned over his duffle bag. It was worse letting Dean see. He felt naked in a way that had [nothing to do with clothes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5608367).

They waited for Cas to go over the rooms with a fine tooth comb. Dean had tried to get him to move out of motel rooms faster but it had only lead to arguments which meant it took even longer to leave. It was easier to just let Cas have his quirky OCD ritual about leaving then to bug him about it. ....and Cas _had_ saved a few pairs of his socks and a couple of beers with that ritual so he couldn't knock it that much.

Cas was weirdly quiet in the car. He had gotten into the passenger seat, yanked his jacket around him, and hunched down in the seat like Dean was driving him to his execution at high noon.

"You're not suddenly hung over are you?" Dean asked. He had seen high Cas, drunk Cas, and withdrawal Cas but he had yet to see hung over Cas. Or maybe he had and hung over Cas was just as much an asshole as regular drunk and high Cas.

"No."

Dean shrugged. As long as Cas could keep it together and not start roughing up cops this time around Cas could act as weird as he wanted. Besides, he was pretty sure Cas was going to have something to say when he realized where they were going.

Cas kept his eyes down in case he caught a reflection of himself in the windshield. He was going to fail at this. He couldn't do this. He wasn't any good at being a hunter. He could be a soldier but not a hunter. Who was he kidding? He wasn't even a very good soldier. He had deserted Heaven. He had failed at the new cause he had taken up. Then he had chosen to stay here and now, deserting that cause too. He casually spiralled down into the welcoming and familiar embrace of self loathing until the car stopped. Cas looked out the window. This wasn't the police station and it wasn't a print shop. " **No**."

Dean put the car into park in front of the suit rental place, "Yes."

"No. I said no suit." Cas said. He hunkered down in his seat as if he could hide.

"You need a suit. You can't go into a police station in that." Dean said.

"I went in in this to get you." Cas retorted.

Dean rolled his eyes, "Yeah, and you also wrecked the place, Rambo. We're not aiming for the most wanted list here."

Cas set his jaw. He wasn't going in there.

Dean gave him an unimpressed look and got out. He went around to the other side of the car. He opened the passenger door and grabbed a handful of Cas's jacket, "Bet you wish you put your seatbelt on now."

Cas let Dean pull him out of the car— but only because he didn't want to rip his jacket. He was not, however, going to let Dean drag him into that suit rental willingly.

Dean started pulling Cas along but came up short and was jerked backwards when Cas planted his feet. He tugged at Cas's jacket. The hippy wasn't moving. Fine. He let go and went around to push him forward. Cas didn't budge. Dean put his shoulder into it and shoved. It was like trying to push a boulder up hill. He wouldn't have thought it'd be this hard to shove Cas around. The dude was underfed but apparently he was made of lead.

Cas leaned back putting his weight against Dean. He was forced one begrudging step forward at a time as Dean slammed into him. There was probably nowhere he wanted to be less in 2005 then in a store full of suits.

Sam opened the door for them wondering if this was worth the trouble. There had to be another hunter around they could ask for a favour. He watched as Dean pushed Cas towards the door and he watched as Cas latched onto the metal door frame bending it out of shape. Holy crap.

"Sam? A little help would be nice." Dean grunted as tried to peel Cas's fingers from the door and push him forward at the same time.

Between the two of them they managed to push Cas that last couple of feet into the store. Absolutely no one was happy about it.

The store employees stared at them, their expressions ranging from derision to disbelief.

"Don't mind us. He's just worked up. He's the MC at his cousin's wedding but he has a _horrible_ fear of public speaking." Dean said quickly. Anything to get a room full of people to stop looking at them like that. They were trying to keep a low profile and they were about to break some laws, they didn't need everyone and their brother remembering exactly what they looked like, "You should have seen what we had to do to get him to the rehearsal dinner."

The employees looked between each other and back to them. They slowly went back to whatever it was people in suit stores did all day. Fold socks?

The four of them retreated to a relatively secluded corner of the store.

"What sizes do you wear?" Dean asked a very sullen and sulky Cas.

Cas glowered at him and kept his mouth shut.

"Dude, don't make us manhandle you around the store." Dean said. They'd probably get kicked out if Cas kept this up, "And don't think I won't do it."

Cas's hands balled up into fists at his sides. Why had he agreed to talking to the police? Why had he thought staying in 2005 would help Dean?

" _Cas_." Dean hissed. Cas didn't say a word. He gave Cas a few more threats and ultimatums but Cas just glared back even harder. Dean rubbed his forehead. How was it this hard to get the guy into a suit? Sure he didn't like suits either but he didn't throw a fit over them. What the hell was he supposed to do now? ...maybe the faith thing again? That had gotten Cas to agree to going on this job in the first place. He gave Cas a, _very manly_ , pat on the shoulder, "Come on, it's just a suit dude. How am I supposed to have faith in a guy who's afraid of a suit?"

Cas recoiled from Dean's words. He looked away. He couldn't do this. He took in a deep breath. His hands relaxed. He told Dean everything from shirt to shoe size then slumped down in the nearest chair and accepted his fate. He wiped his hand over his face a few times. This was his punishment for abandoning Dean in his own time, wasn't it? To be sent out as some gross caricature of what he once was on mission he would inevitably fail.

Dean set out for the jacket and pants and sent Jess and Sam for the shirts, shoes, and ties. He grabbed the first jacket and pair of pants that would fit and brought them back. He tossed them to Cas, "Go start getting changed. We'll throw the shirt over the door."

Cas let out a long defeated sigh. He hadn't drank enough for this. At least the suit Dean had grabbed was a slate grey and not black.

Jess came back with a white dress shirt. She passed it to Dean wondering if helping dress the criminals would land her in jail if they got caught.

A white shirt fluttered over the top of the changing room door. Cas shivered. The sound it made was all too familiar. He let it fall to the floor. It took him a few moments before he had steeled himself enough to start changing.

Cas came out a few minutes later. Apparently he wasn't a girl when he tried clothes on, just when he was in the bathroom. Dean looked him over quickly trying to figure out if Cas had done anything to the suit that might get him caught but it looked fine.

Sam passed over the dress shoes he had found. Cas took them so solemnly he almost laughed. The shave and haircut made it look all the more grave.

Jess came back with a couple of ties of various lengths and widths. She gave Cas a surprised look. Cas looked almost normal. There was still something a little off about the way he looked around at everyone but dressed like this she'd never expect him to have more criminal tendencies...which she supposed was what they were going for.

Cas narrowed his eyes at the ties Jess was holding out. He could just barely accept the suit. A suit jacket wasn't that different from a normal jacket. The dress shirt wasn't that bad, he wore long sleeves most of the time anyway. Dress pants were really just pants after it was all said and done. But a tie? There was nothing redeeming about a tie. A tie was...it was a **_tie_**. "I'm not wearing a tie."

"You're going to look strange without it." Sam said.

"No." Cas said firmly. He had to draw the line somewhere. And for a tie? He wasn't drawing a line he was drawing a barbwire fence.

Dean sighed exasperated. They had been so close to getting out of here, "It's just a tie, dude."

" _No_." There was no chance in hell he was wearing a tie. Cas set his jaw and glared at Dean. It wasn't happening. And this time he meant it.

Dean rolled his eyes. How was Cas this much of a giant baby over a tie? He grabbed a tie off Jess and started towards Cas.

Cas's fists clenched tight when Dean took a tie from Jess. It was blue. It was a fucking dark blue tie. No fucking way. _That was **not** happening._ Cas took a defensive step backward, "I am not wearing a _fucking tie_ Dean Winchester so you had better consider carefully how much you like your testicles if you take another step closer."

Dean stopped dead in his tracks at the death glare he was getting from Cas. It was the same one he got a lot of the time before but without the scruff it actually....looked kinda scary. Jesus, it was just a _tie_. He knew Cas liked the laidback look but he hadn't thought he'd be out right murderous over ties. That murder stare didn't go away. He blinked and looked to the side. He put his hands up in defeat. He gave the tie back to Jess, "Fine, but it's your fault if you get arrested."

Cas pulled at the suit jacket anxiously, "I'll take my chances."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References!  
> The Brady Bunch and First Blood.
> 
> I actually debated long and hard on how Cas would shave. Dry? Water? Shaving cream? Soap? Oil? Probably whatever was available. Probably more often than not dry, razor burn be damned, because who wants to thaw out snow and ice in the middle of winter to shave? But I think given options he'd probably just go for soap and water because it's simple, available, and would have been something more frequently present in motels than shaving cream or oils. Also, he'd probably be quite agitated by anyone who would waste an edible oil on shaving. Life's great mysteries solved.


	7. Going Undercover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas was getting weirder and weirder about some simple intel gathering. He waited for Cas to start heading for the police station but Cas just stood where he had been standing for the last five minutes looking panicked one minute and pissed off the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is the title of a movie. It's a terrible movie. It's from 1988 about a private investigator. It's really _really_ bad. It's more of a joke about how Cas feels about his abilities to talk to the police.

When humans want something they lie. He had played at being human for years now but he was still a terrible liar, he'd never get what he wanted. Cas clenched two fists full of dress pants and stared at the police station. He could withhold information, mislead, but outright lie? No one would believe him.

Dean held out the fake FBI badge for Cas but Cas was a weirdo and was staring at the police station like it was a three-headed cobra. He rolled his eyes and opened Cas's suit jacket, intent on putting the badge in Cas's pocket.

Cas jerked back when Dean touched him. He scowled at Dean before he snatched the FBI badge off him and batted his hand away. He couldn't have Dean acting like **_Dean_** while he was in a suit, not if he wanted to entertain the possibility of pulling this off without failing. He stuffed the badge into his pants pocket.

Dean threw his hands up in exasperation. Cas was getting weirder and weirder about some simple intel gathering. He waited for Cas to start heading for the police station but Cas just stood where he had been standing for the last five minutes looking panicked one minute and pissed off the next. He sighed and walked around behind Cas. He pushed Cas towards the police station and was surprised when Cas easily swayed forward under his touch. How the hell was he so easy to shove around _now?_ He pushed a little harder until Cas was taking a step forward, "Go on. Just go in. Ask for the file. Get it. Come back out. It's easy."

"I know." Cas snapped. Easy for Dean maybe, but he was going to fail at this. Why had he agreed to do this?

"Well...?" Dean motioned for Cas to start freakin' _moving_ already. The longer they stood around looking like two dudes talking about impersonating the FBI the more likely someone was going to notice them.

Cas stayed where he was and narrowed his eyes at the police station. They were just humans inside. He had been living among humans for years now. They were humans that weren't expecting anyone to come in and ask for files about an arson case because it was connected to a demon. There was no reason someone would think he was lying. _Maybe_ he could do this. Lying wasn't that hard, right? Dean did it all the time. He breathed deep. "My favourite drink is vodka tonic."

"Dude, I told you. _After_." Dean said more than a little annoyed. He was _not_ about to start getting Cas vodka tonics for the road. They had already had a couple of arguments on the drive over about how they weren't stopping for booze _before_ going to the police station. Dean knew how that story would have ended: four empty bottles and a plastered Cas singing Foghat.

"Breach." Cas explained absently still staring at the police station. Had he really talked himself into going in there?

"...Huh?" Dean shrugged at him. Breach? What the hell did that mean?

"Breach. Chris Cooper. Ryan Phillippe." Cas turned and squinted at Dean. Dean stared at him blankly, the names obviously not ringing any bells. Cas shook his head realizing Dean wouldn't know what he was referencing. Not yet at least. "Never mind."

"Right. Well, breach away as long as you do it over there." Dean motioned towards the police station and gave Cas another push forward.

Cas swallowed and nodded. He started towards the police station. He could do this– he could _try_ to do it. He took another deep breath as he neared the doors. What was the worst that could happen? Prison potentially, according to Dean (he had asked), and what was so bad about that? He had lived through an apocalypse. The apocalypse didn't feed and clothe a person and he was fairly certain there were no croats or demons in prison. ...prison didn't sound half bad. If he screwed things up with Dean maybe he'd get himself arrested for awhile.

He pulled open the door to the police station and walked in. He stood in the front entrance. Nobody called him out for an impostor. Barely anyone gave him a second glance. Dean was right. He'd just go in, ask for the file, get it, and come back out. It would be easy.

It wasn't until he was standing in front of the main desk that he realized a crucial error in the plan. The man behind the desk gave him a bored withering look and Cas realized what he had done. He had walked into a police station unarmed (Dean had his blade). A police station full of people he didn't know who _were_ armed. He was utterly Alone. Defenceless. Without backup. **_Alone_**.

"Yes?" The rather bored looking man behind the desk said while Cas stood in front of him caught up in a sudden panic.

"Uh..." Cas could feel his chest tighten. He glanced around quickly. There were so many people here. _Strangers_. Any of these people could be a demon. Why hadn't he considered that before? He should have backup. But he didn't have _anyone_. Dean had shoved him towards the police station **_alone_** and **_unarmed_**.

The bored man arched an eyebrow at him. Cas didn't say anything. The bored man coughed passive aggressively. It snapped Cas into action.

"Uh— just a moment." Cas scrambled to pull out the badge in his coat pocket but only found a hexbag. "Uh...hold on." Where the hell was it!? He ran his hands over every pocket on the suit. He felt his pants pockets and breathed a sigh of _almost_ relief. He pulled the badge out (right side up by sheer luck) and held it out. "Howard Leese."

The bored man looked at the badge unimpressed.

"...FBI?" Cas added hopefully. The bored man stared at Cas as if he was waiting for more. Cas shifted uncomfortably. Was everyone staring at him? What if- he glanced at bored man's name tag- Ryan Blachette was a demon? His fingers flexed as he fought the urge to reach for his blade that wasn't there.

The ever so bored Ryan Blachette sighed, "....and how can I help you agent Leese?"

"Oh! Yes. I- uh..." Cas stammered. He was going to blow his cover at this rate and spend the rest of his time in the past waiting for the apocalypse in jail before he ever had a chance of screwing things up with Dean. He took a slow even breath and let it out before continuing. "I'm looking into the arson that happened on November first."

Ryan Blachette nodded, picked up his phone, and dialed an extension. He talked briefly on the phone before hanging up. "Office five. Dawn Carlton is handling it."

Cas didn't move. Ryan Blachette gave another passive aggressive cough and waved towards a hallway behind him. Cas gave what he hoped was a calm and collected nod back and scurried down the hall behind the desk. Everyone had definitely been staring at him. His hand twisted from old habit trying to produce a blade that wasn't there. He should never have agreed to this. There were too many people coming and going and any of them could be a threat.

By the time he found office five- the offices weren't numbered in order- he had a death grip on his fake badge with one hand while he obsessively tapped out the beat of an AC/DC song on his thigh with the other.

He came to a stop in front of office five. He knocked on the open door.

A woman's voice called out, "Come in."

Cas stepped in and looked around. There was no one. For a brief second he wondered if he had taken some badly interacting pills but than remembered Dean hadn't even let him smoke up before coming here. He wasn't hallucinating.

A woman- he hoped it was Dawn Carlton because he didn't want to talk to more people than he had to- stuck her head out from behind a stack of folders on her desk, not because the stack of folders was exceptionally tall but because saying she was five foot nothing would be generous.

"Dawn Carlton. How can I help you....?" Dawn Carlton said trailing off looking for the answer to more than that question.

"Howard Leese." Cas said and was glad he hadn't said it as a question (small victories). He stepped closer to the desk. "I'm looking for information about an arson. I was told you're handling the case."

Dawn Carlton stared at him.

Cas's tapping fingers froze on his thigh. She knew. She was going to call for back up, which he didn't have (thanks a lot Dean), and he'd fail at this whole farce of a mission.

"Can you be a bit more specific?" Dawn Carlton said. She waved a hand at the stack of folders beside her, "Half of these are suspected arson cases."

Cas let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. She didn't know. He was just terrible at this. "It happened on the first of the month."

"Oh. That one." Dawn Carlton started leafing through folders. "That's a weird one."

"Weird?" Cas asked, taking up tapping on his leg again, "How?"

"The accelerant." Dawn Carlton said. She pulled a folder out of the stack and flipped it open. Her eyes darted over the contents. "For a whole building to go up in flames that quickly we were expecting a chemical trail a mile wide pointing towards gasoline."

"And it didn't?" Cas asked. Maybe he wasn't so bad at this.

Dawn Carlton shook her head and held out the thick folder to Cas. "The only thing the forensics team turned up was a whole boatload of sulphur."

Cas kept his mouth shut and nodded. He was mostly sure he wouldn't blurt something out about demons but who knew, maybe he would and screw this up in impressive new ways. He took the folder.

"It's really all very....strange. For how much sulphur the science guys are telling us was used someone should have seen something...or smelt it." Dawn Carlton said thoughtfully while staring at the folder. Her eyes flicked up to Cas, "You don't seem too surprised. I take it you're following a trail of rotten eggs?"

"It's...uh...an on going investigation." Cas hoped he was keeping his face carefully blank. He looked down at the folder in his hand. He had come in. He had asked for the file. He had it. ....could he go now? He shot a look towards the door then back to Dawn Carlton. How did he leave without making her suspicious? "....thank you. For-" He held up the folder. "And your..." He motioned towards her. "...elucidation on the matter."

Dawn Carlton arched an eyebrow at his use of _elucidation_ but didn't say anything. "No problem."

Cas stood in front of her desk and didn't move. Now what?

Dawn Carlton stared back at him. The staring contest went on far longer than was normal (well it was normal for Cas). She pressed her lips together trying to hide an amused smirk. She bent her head and rubbed at her nose to cover it up, "You need anything else, agent Leese?"

"Oh. Uh...no. This is..." Cas held the folder tighter to himself. "Thank you. For the file. And– thanks. I'll....I'm going now."

"Right." Dawn Carlton said amused. She gave him a salute in jest. "You know where to find me if you need more elucidation."

"Yes." Cas nodded and backed out of the office. Dear god that was horrible. He wished Dean had let him fill his flask before coming in. He needed a drink. Why on earth did Dean think this was easy?

Cas strode down the hall with every intention of fleeing the scene of his crime as fast as was inhumanly possible. Which drew some stares but he didn't care anymore. He wanted out. He wanted out of the police station and he wanted out of this suit and he wanted out—

Cas came to a grinding halt when he reached the front entrance. He stood frozen to the spot staring at his reflection in the main doors. His skin crawled as his own stony expression stared back at him. Cleaned up and in a suit. He shivered.

He tore his eyes away from his judgemental reflection and knocked into a few people and chairs in his renewed need to escape. By the time he had walked back to the impala he had concluded that gulping down the entire contents of his flask wasn't going to be enough. No. That wouldn't suffice. He needed several bottles worth of booze after seeing.... ** _that_**.

Dean was flicking a bit of balled up thread from his shirt onto the ground when Cas rounded the corner, "Was starting to think I got lucky and you got yourself arrested. Guess getting rid of you couldn't be that easy."

Sam was standing on the other side of the car tapping at his phone when he looked up to see Cas. His eyes widened upon seeing Cas's expression. Dean was joking about him getting arrested? Yeah, arrested for Dean's murder.

Cas strode towards the car ignoring Dean's sarcasm and Sam's staring. He shoved the folder into Dean's chest and yanked open the rear door to the impala.

"Ow. What's _your_ problem?" Dean staggered back half a step. He rubbed at his chest and glared over at Cas.

Cas glared right back at him but he didn't say a thing. Instead he slid into the car and slammed the door shut. He couldn't deal with _that_ Dean at the moment. [_His_ Dean would have understood](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5608637) what the problem was. _His_ Dean would have known better than to send him in there in a ridiculous get up.

"Hey! What have I said about slamming the doors?" Dean said sternly. Cas's hand shot out the window to give him the finger. Dean shook his head. He tossed the folder onto the roof of the car and flicked it open. He scanned through a few pages to make sure Cas hadn't screwed things up. He nodded to himself. It looked good. He closed the folder and slid it over the roof of the car to Sam.

Jess scrambled out of the car a moment later because it was super awkward having a guy angrily change right next to you. Sam gave her a questioning look. She pointed to the backseat. "He _really_ doesn't like that suit."

Dean wrinkled his nose at the thought of a mostly naked Cas in his backseat. Great. Now every time he got lucky in the backseat it was going to be tainted with thoughts of a mostly naked Cas. God, Cas was just out to make everything in his life _gay_ , wasn't he?

The three of them loitered around the car, all careful to keep their eyes up, until the litany of half grumbled cursing stopped. Dean slapped the roof of the car to try and get Cas's attention, "You decent?"

A messy bundle of suit was thrust out of the open window and dropped to the ground in response.

Dean rolled his eyes. He bent down and grabbed the suit. He was tempted to throw it back through the window at Cas but he was sure Cas would just chuck it out again. He carried it around to the back and tossed it into the trunk. He grabbed Cas's flask and butter knife out of the back and closed the trunk. He walked back to the rear door. He bent down and held out the flask and dagger, "Here. Stop being a pouting asshole."

Cas looked over surprised. He had thought Dean would just get in the car and start driving. That he'd have to sit in the back and **_think_** until they made a stop. He took his blade first. He surreptitiously swiped his thumb over the initial carved into the end of the blade before setting it in his lap. He snatched the flask out of Dean's hand next. There was nothing stealthy about his frenzied unscrewing of the cap.

Dean leaned on the car and watched Cas drown whatever his damn problem was with whiskey. Cas had on that ratty jacket and the sweater he had _stolen_ from him with the hood all pulled up. Dean shook his head, "Dude, it's gotta be like sixty five degrees out. It's not exactly bundle up weather."

Cas glared at him. He didn't care about the weather. He just wanted to hide from his reflection.

"What? You want a blanket too?" Dean joked.

"I don't want a blanket." Cas said between gulps from his flask. "I want hard liquor."

Dean rolled his eyes. Well it wasn't like he had expected much else from Cas. Dean stood up and pulled the driver's door open. Sam and Jess sorted themselves out a moment later. Jess was riding shotgun. He guessed Sam thought a drunk and armed Cas was too dangerous for her. As if Cas was going to get drunk on a flask of whiskey. Last time he had seen the dude actually drunk Cas had downed a gallon of 190 proof liquor.

Cas finished off the contents of his flask. He screwed the lid back on and secreted it away into his jacket. "We need to make a stop."

"Yeah, yeah." Dean said starting the car. "We'll stop for some more poison for your liver."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually Dean it's 64.4 °F. The weird shit I look up for this fic. 
> 
> I had to look up the colour of the those big manila envelopes, turns out they're usually brown or "buff". I always thought they were orange or pink/yellow (Pink/yellow is a tricksy colour and it stumps me every time). Was not expecting brown. That makes office life so much more boring. I've spent a lifetime getting important documents in orange envelops or the hard to pin down pink/yellow. It's the best. Man, you people with good colour vision are missing out.
> 
> References  
> Breach (2007), Cas is referencing the part where Eric O'Neil tells four truths and a lie. Cas is telling the lie.  
> Supernatural. I think you know the episode I'm talking about.


	8. When Jupiter aligns with Mars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean studied Cas carefully; it was so weird without the scruff. What was the hippy up to? He always got weird about coming into stores and Dean wasn't sure he believed that promise. If Jess thought credit card scams would hurt business he was willing to bet she'd disapprove of stabbings. He held out his hand for that oversized knife Cas always had on him. "How 'bout I hold onto the butter knife while we're inside."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about leaving everyone hanging for an update. Extra sorry that I kept you waiting on what is essentially a house keeping chapter but life became complicated Sunday night. In penance I'm going to update a second time this week (there will be feels) and then again as usual on the weekend (more feels).

It didn't take long to return the suit and find a store with what Cas wanted. They cleared out a shelf of Everclear- apparently Cas was brand loyal- and grabbed a case of beer. Dean paid in cash– Cas's cash. The cashier looked like he was torn between being happily surprised to make the sale of the day and horrified that they had cleaned him out of something that smelt like a disinfectant. Dean was just happy that he wasn't running up his credit cards on Cas's habits...even if they were scammed. It was the principle of the matter.

They were barely out the door before Cas was working open a bottle.

"Santa's gonna pass you right by, you naughty boozehound." Jess said as she watched, mildly impressed and entirely disgusted, as Cas chugged an entire bottle of that Everclear stuff he drank and looked like he was going to chase it with a second bottle. "...even if he does come, I don't think he brings new livers."

Sam stared, worry and concern written all over his face. This was what hunters did right before they found themselves a hunt they knew they wouldn't walk away from. Even if that wasn't Cas's plan the alcohol consumption alone was going to kill him. "Maybe you should slow down."

"Maybe you should fuck off." Cas started unscrewing a second bottle of _151 proof_ Everclear. Why on earth did the state of California not sell 190 proof? If someone wanted to drink to excess (that someone being him) they would just end up drinking more to compensate for it.

"You're trying to get all sing in the car drunk again aren't you?" Dean watched impassively. He had seen the first Everclear binge. He knew it wouldn't kill Cas...he might get weird and grabby though. His nose scrunched up. Cas was definitely sitting in the backseat. On the passenger side.  

"I'm trying to get alcoholic stupor drunk." Cas said between gulps from the second bottle. "Which I can't do when I'm answering stupid questions."

Dean shook his head. He didn't really see the point in trying to argue with whatever weird reason Cas had for being a raging drunk today. He turned to Sam and Jess, "Alright, now that we've got Richard Burton taken care of let's find ourselves—"

"A place with a kitchen so we can make ourselves something to eat that's not made with six pounds of grease." Jess finished for Dean because that was _clearly_ what he was going to say. "What a great suggestion. I'm all up for it."

Dean pursed his lips annoyed. There was nothing wrong with six pounds of grease. It made everything taste better.

"It _would_ be nice to not live on diner food for a couple of days." Sam added. They had _mostly_ managed to persuade Dean that every meal didn't have to be a hamburger or all day breakfast.

"All you two ever order are salads anyway. What's it matter if you make them yourselves?" Dean griped. He was suspicious of what sort of food Sam and Jess would make and probably try to get him to eat. He had seen them eat _tofu_ at one restaurant. He was about to defend the hamburger in all its glory when Sam started giving him the sad face. Dean tried to stare him down. As if that ever worked. Dean groaned, "Yeah, fine."

Jess and Sam shared a look of triumph that turned mildly strained once they realized they were celebrating a team victory. They each drifted away from the other trying to make it look inconspicuous but the only thing more conspicuous than them was Cas.

"What's up with you two anyway? Trouble on the home front?" Dean finally asked because a few days of pretending that the couple he was bunking down with _wasn't_ arguing was starting to get at him.

"Nothing's up with us." Sam said just as Jess said, "We're working through it."

Cas huffed out a laugh. He jerked the half empty bottle of booze at Sam and Dean while turning to Jess, "You know they only get worse with age."

"Right. Well, I'm gonna take a stab in the dark and say you wanna do some grocery shopping for this hypothetical place with a kitchen." Dean said trying to ignore the _soon to be drunk_ Cas leering at him again. "So I hope you can work it out in the car 'cuz I'd really like to find some place to dump him-" He jerked his thumb at Cas, "-before he gets it in his head to start singing."

\---

Of course they couldn't go to a _real_ grocery store they had to drive through Friday afternoon traffic for an hour and go to the **organic** _market_. Dean should have known better then to let Sam and Jess choose the store. He was starting to wonder if his original take on Jess was seriously flawed. She was tall and hot and blonde but... _salads and **tofu**._ And she was infecting Sam with it. Sam was a picky eater sometimes while they were growing up but he hadn't been eating salads and tofu and calling hamburgers mountains of grease.

Dean stopped the car in front of the store. He watched the people coming and going for a moment. They all looked....normal. None of them looked like the type of people he'd guess would go to an **organic** _market_ ....and they didn't look possessed either.

Cas leaned over the backseat to look around Jess. A _grocery store_. Going to Sam and Jess's classes was hard but he _had_ to do it. Stores were usually a quick in and out. He could stay outside and guard their retreat if need be but a grocery store..... Grocery stores were dangerous. Anything could be in a grocery store from demons to [feral dogs](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5723702)....not that there would likely be feral dogs in a grocery store in 2005 but....he started draining the bottle he had been working on, grocery stores in 2005 _would_ be full of people.

"We should have come yesterday. We would have gotten the student discount." Jess said as she tucked the list she had made into her purse. They were having spaghetti for dinner because it turned out Dean had a fear of practically all things healthy. Spaghetti was the only thing they could all agree on. According to Dean soy products were 'new age' and not to be trusted. She'd have to inform a huge swath of Asia that their culinary practices were the product of mystic crystal revelations.

"It...uh...doesn't matter so much if Dean's buying." Sam said sheepishly. Beyond fighting about _fighting_ they had been arguing about how sketchy all the hunting stuff was. Admitting to credit card scams being good for grocery shopping wasn't going to help.

"We can't rip them off. We're trying to support local growers. Not screw over their business." Jess said. Using fraudulent credit cards seemed like it would defeat the purpose of buying local. "And I want to be able to come back here."

"Yeah...maybe _we_ should be buying dinner." Sam said to Dean. He waited for the inevitable _you're so whipped_ comment from Dean.

Dean shrugged. It wasn't as if he had _wanted_ to come here. "Suit yourselves."

Cas cringed at the word suit and drank faster.

"We don't have our own bags anymore." Jess said under her breath as she undid her seatbelt. Her eyebrows drew together in that strange mix of annoyance, grief, and terror. They didn't have their own bags anymore because a demon had burnt their apartment down with everything in it. She let out a long breath. At least everyone was okay. They had only lost _things_. Like canvas shopping bags.

"You okay?" Sam asked. Sometimes Jess would slip into laughing at how absurd it was that demons were real and other times she'd quietly sigh like this which meant she was probably thinking about how demons were real and one had tried to kill her.

"Yeah. Just thinking." Jess said getting out of the car. "We'll have to keep the receipts for the new bags and see if we can get the insurance company to pay for them. Is there a lower limit for what they'll replace? Do you think they'll replace things like that? I should have asked last time I phoned."

Sam got out of the car and went around to Jess. He pulled her into a one armed hug. "I don't think a couple of reusable bags are going to break our bank accounts."

Dean rolled his eyes at the schmoopy couple stuff going on in front of his car. When had Sam turned into such a girl? He chuckled to himself evilly. He honked the horn.

Jess jumped and turned a sharp-eyed glare at Dean then headed for the store.

Sam scowled as Dean grinned back at him. Why were older brothers such dicks? He flipped Dean off before catching up to Jess.

"Guard the car Lassie." Dean said still chuckling as he got out of the car. The _one_ nice thing about having Cas around was that he was weirdly protective of the car; good luck to any potential car thieves.

Cas dropped a now empty bottle to the floor and shoved the door open. "I'm coming in."

Dean stopped. He turned around and stared at Cas a bit confused and a whole lot annoyed, "You _never_ come into stores."

"I come into grocery stores." Cas said firmly as he closed the car door. He met Dean around the front of the car, "I promise not to stab anyone."

Dean studied Cas carefully; it was so weird without the scruff. What was the hippy up to? He always got weird about coming into stores and Dean wasn't sure he believed that promise. If Jess thought credit card scams would hurt business he was willing to bet she'd disapprove of stabbings. He held out his hand for that oversized knife Cas always had on him. "How 'bout I hold onto the butter knife while we're inside."

Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean's hand. Dean wanted him to go somewhere _unarmed?_ _Again?_ He hadn't yet forgiven Dean for doing that once already today– and making him wear that god awful **_suit_**. He shivered, dear god why had he agreed to that? That image was going to be burned into his retinas for years. He was about to tell Dean that he could screw off when he relaxed. He'd have back up this time. _Dean_ would be there. Well, he still didn't forgive him for being an asshole earlier. He snickered at Dean, "Of course Dean. I always knew you wanted to hold my blade."

Dean hunched his shoulders in discomfort as Cas offered him the knife handle first. Why did Cas have to make _everything_ a sex joke? He glanced around to make sure no one was watching him slide a knife under his shirt and tuck it into the waist of his pants before going into a grocery store. When he looked back at Cas he instantly regretted it. Dean turned red at the way Cas licked his lips; eyes lighting up. A sly smile spread across Cas's face. Oh jesus fucking christ. What was the asshole going to say _now?_ Ugh. He didn't want to know. Dean started towards the store. "Shut up."

"I didn't say anything." Cas said as he followed Dean inside. Sam and Jess were waiting for them near the doors. A hint of the beginning of a pleasant light-headed buzz from that last bottle of booze started thrumming in Cas's head. Maybe he shouldn't have drank that one so quickly when they were going into unknown territory. He shook his head, trying to clear out the buzz. He grinned wide at Dean, "Though it's entirely conceivable that I may have been debating the merits of mentioning what else you like in your pants."

"Just shut up." Dean rolled his eyes. Every day since Cas had declared that he was staying Dean regretted not buying him a one way bus ticket to Alaska. He veered left to see if this **organic** _market_ had anything worth while to eat, calling over his shoulder to Sam and Jess as he went, "You two figure out this health freak dinner you wanna make, I'm–"

" _Hey_." Cas grabbed Dean by the back of the jacket and pulled him back to the group. He was drunk and Dean was an asshole (damn him and that suit) but he wasn't _that_ drunk. He's wasn't going to let Dean wander off alone in a [_grocery store_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5723780). "Where do you think you're going?"

Dean danced around trying to get his footing back under himself. He tried to slink out of Cas's hold to the back of his jacket. Fucking **_Cas_**. What the fuck was his _problem_ today? First he was a big baby about that suit and then he had been all surly when he got out of the police station and now he thought it was cool to just start yanking him around? For fuck's sake! There were gonna be words later.

"It's dangerous to go alone Dean." Cas said as he pulled Dean into a headlock and walked him back to the others. Alright, so maybe he _was_ that drunk and he just didn't want to be surrounded by strange people again. Alone. Without Dean. Why did Dean always want to leave him? He let Dean go when they were back with Sam and Jess. Jess was giving him a strange look. He gave her a wink just as he was elbowed in the side by Dean. He pulled his face into a look of reproach, "That's not very nice. I'm only looking out for you."

"Yeah, well..." Dean straightened out his jacket angrily. Fucking weirdo hippy getting all drunk and grabby. "Look but _don't_ **_touch_**."

"Oh good." Cas said brightly. He snaked his hand out to touch _the_ shoulder then remembered that this was the wrong Dean. He aborted the movement and ran his hand through his, much shorter, hair (fuck, why had he cut it?). He grinned at Dean, "I'm glad you've rescinded your earlier quit fucking stare at me rule."

"You never listened to it anyway." Dean grumbled as he moved around so that Sam and Jess were between him and Cas. Why _the hell_ hadn't he bought that bus ticket to Alaska?

Jess tried to hurry them through the store as fast as possible. Not just because it was actually rather embarrassing to have a guy in his 30s with no filter between his brain and mouth following them around drunk but because Cas wouldn't keep his hands to himself. He kept managing to drift back towards Dean where he would attempt to casually touch Dean's arm or shoulder. Dean would slap the offending hand off and move away but Jess could see the discomfort building up behind Dean's eyes. Either Cas was going to do something wildly inappropriate in public soon or Dean was going to flip his lid at him and both those options probably meant she'd never want to show her face in this store again.

She breathed a sigh of relief when she picked up the last item on her list. She headed towards the front of the store- trailing all that denim wrapped testosterone behind her- and started unpacking the grocery basket on the cashier's counter. She didn't even care that their grocery budget was blown because no one could talk Cas out of buying two bottles of organic whiskey.

Sam pushed Cas ahead to wait at the other end of the counter. He had relished every minute of Cas harassing Dean (revenge for honking the horn at him) right up until it started going a little bit too far. Dean didn't say anything but Sam could see the look of relief pass silently over his brother's face when he realized Cas was a good six feet away from him. Sam reached out and pulled Cas back when he started edging back towards Dean. He moved around so he was standing between them, "When we get back to the car, I think you should lay off the booze and take a nap."

Cas gave Sam what was supposed to be a stern look but Sam didn't react to it that way so Cas supposed it was more of a drunk look. He shrugged. Sam could make all the suggestions he wanted. He glanced back to Dean. That asshole had sent him out alone in a **_suit_** unarmed and had taken his blade away in a grocery store. _A grocery store_. He should hate him right about now. But it was Dean. So of course he was being an idiot about the whole thing and just wanted to make sure Dean was close by and safe....and....didn't _leave_ him again. He couldn't nap in the car. Besides, he had to keep watch. If he couldn't keep watch he really was a failure of an angel....well he was anyway but he could still keep watch over Dean.

Dean stuffed two unwieldy grocery bag into Cas's arms. Hopefully if Cas had his hands full he'd quite freakin' touching him. Fuck. How many times did he have to say he wasn't into that gay stuff for it to get through Cas's head? Cas brushed his arm along his and grinned. At least one more fucking time apparently. "Look. I know you—"

Cas snorted with laughter. He sang out the next line, "And you know me, tell me what is you want it to be."

Dean shrugged confused.

"What you want to be, what you _need_ in **me**." Cas continued singing.

Dean wasn't sure if this was Cas being creepy and weird and trying to hit on him or if Cas was just drunk and singing. Luckily he didn't find out the answer to that because Sam grabbed Cas by the shoulders, still singing, and started to steer him out of the store– seriously, why was he so easy to shove around now? Dean rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He was gonna have to get back in the car with that grabby drunk asshole.

"Next time we're putting a limit on how much he can buy at once." Jess said as she put her wallet back in her purse.

"Yeah. No shit." Dean said. And lock up the rest in the trunk so Cas could only drink one bottle at a time. He watched Sam and Cas through the window as they came to a stop beside the car. Fuck. He was gonna have to get in the car with **_that_** grabby drunk asshole. The one future him had apparently been banging. Double plus fuck! This always happened. Cas would start doing something _gay_ around him and then he'd think about how future him was screwing a high and drunk hippy with a thing for knives and being an all around asshole. Didn't future him have any standards?

"You okay?" Jess asked. She could see a look of dawning dread creeping onto Dean's face. If someone kept trying to touch her the way Cas had been touching Dean she'd be creeped out too.

"What?" Dean glanced over at her. Jess gave him a knowing look. Well that was not happening. He wasn't going to be like Sam and Jess and spew his feelings all over the place in public. He started for the door, "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jess quotes Buffy at the beginning of the chapter.
> 
> Richard Burton- was in 1984 among other things and was a raging alcoholic known to have consumed several bottles of vodka a day at the height of his alcoholism. 
> 
> "mystic crystal revelations" - Jess is quoting Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In. The Age of Aquarius being the "new age". Aquarius is also where the title of the chapter comes from though I'm using it more as a comment on how unlikely it is that Cas would _want_ to go into a store.
> 
> Lassie - It's _Lassie_. 
> 
> "It's dangerous to go alone" Is actually a Zelda reference but Cas has picked it up from one of the other survivors at Camp Chitaqua without having ever been exposed to Zelda.
> 
> Cas sings Skies on Fire by ACDC (which came out in 2008)
> 
> "Double plus fuck" - 1984 reference, though it's actually "double plus good".


	9. The Night Comes Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who's bright idea was the cabin?"
> 
> "Mine. Me and Jess stayed here in the spring for a weekend."
> 
> "You have horrible taste."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may be relevant to know what is on the note and list that Cas is reading. You can find it [ here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1561565/chapters/3311819).

Cas woke up in the dark in the impala and groaned. Everything was stiff. He shifted around and pulled two bottles of whiskey out from under him. He sat up and opened a bottle. He closed his eyes and took a long blissful sip. When he eased the bottle down he opened his eyes to see something that was equal parts terrifying and consoling. His heart beat faster. His stomach dropped. He was sitting in the impala in the dark staring out at a small wooden cabin surrounded by trees.

No. It absolutely _was **not**_ home. It couldn't....was it? No. It definitely couldn't be. His hand shook as he poured half the bottle of whiskey down his throat. Dean had sent him away because Dean always left one way or another. This couldn't be... his chest tightened up. He gulped down another quarter of the bottle. This had to be the past still. Was Dean doing this on purpose? Putting him into a suit and bringing him to a cabin in the woods? He wouldn't put it past the Fearless Leader but... _Dean_ wouldn't do that.

He stared forward, the whiskey bottle wedged between his legs, as he griped the back of the front seat tightly. The trees were all wrong. The windows in the cabin were wrong. He could see Jess and Sam and Dean inside; smiling, talking, laughing. No, it definitely wasn't [home](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5748617). No one smiled for long at home and the laughter was always bitter. He leaned back into the seat and sipped at the last bit of whiskey. He was going to need all the liquid courage he could get to go in there. He looked down to the floor, annoyed to see the other bottles gone.

All but one of the bottles of Everclear had disappeared. He suspected Sam had a part in that. But whoever it was who had taken the other bottles hadn't found the stray bottle that had rolled under the front seat. He drank most of it before plucking up the courage to go inside.

When Cas finally pushed the cabin door open three heads turned to stare at him with varying degrees of judgement. They weren't wrong. The one thing he was good at- watching over Dean- and he had fallen asleep on his watch. He started unscrewing the cap of the second bottle of whiskey. "Who's bright idea was the cabin?"

Sam raised an eyebrow. The way Cas had said it sounded as if the cabin had personally insulted him. He shook his head. Cas had been all over the place today, from sullen to cheerfully brazen, without much rhyme or reason to the mood swings. Sam bent his head back down to the police report, "Mine. Me and Jess stayed here in the spring for a weekend."

"You have horrible taste." Cas said before taking a swig of whiskey. He glanced around the room. The cabin was simple and open concept. Kitchen and living room up front and a narrow hallway off the back leading to what he suspected were the bedrooms and the bathroom. He took note of the salt and devil's traps laid out. At least he had taught them how to protect themselves if he was going to fail at protecting them like he failed at everything else.

"Thanks." Sam said sarcastically. "Glad to know you approve."

Cas shrugged. He headed towards the couch where Dean was nursing a beer with his feet up on the coffee table and sat down.

Dean immediately moved from the centre to the opposite end of the couch. He just _had_ to sit beside him didn't he? Fuck. Dean was _not_ about to get up and _surrender_ the couch to Cas. He had just gotten comfortable. He was here _first_. Even if they were sticking Cas with the lumpy couch all night that didn't mean he could just take over. He scowled over at Cas. "The place only has two rooms. You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

Cas looked at the length of the couch. It was rather short. He took another sip of whiskey before waving a hand at the room at large, "Let me guess you drew straws for beds and by some coincidence I got the short one?"

"Nope." Dean smirked. He pointed at Cas with his beer and winked, "I just don't like you."

Cas shrugged. What _was_ there to like? He was terrible at talking to the police, he screwed up trying to watch over Dean, he was probably going to fail at everything on that list, and oh yeah, don't forget, he had left his own Dean behind in the future to die alone. Why was Dean bothering to put up with him? Why didn't Dean just.... _leave?_ He waved a hand at the couch. "And yet here you are in my bed."

Dean gave a disgusted snort. _As if_. Cas could have the stupid couch. He got up and joined Sam at the table. He had a better view of Jess from the table anyway. He had to keep an eye on her. She had shooed him away from the kitchenette when she had started making the pasta sauce and they had bought _way_ more vegetables than was necessary for spaghetti and tomato sauce. Who knew what she was up to.

Sam glanced up as Dean sat down beside him. He looked over to the couch where Cas was sitting alone, tugging at his jacket like he was trying to wrap it around himself. Well at least Cas was being quiet instead of picking on Dean. An alert went off for Jess's msn. He pulled her laptop over to him. He read over the message, "It's Becky."

"Tell her I said hi." Jess said over her shoulder. She paused, watching Sam and his brother. She waited for Dean to look away then she quickly scooped up the zucchini she had shredded and dropped it into the pot with the sauce. What Dean didn't know would be good for him. She grabbed a handful of spinach and started chopping it fine. They had stopped at a thrift store while Cas was passed out in the car to get a few kitchen essentials: grater, knives, cutting board, and pots were just a few of them.

Before Sam could type in a response a whole slew of messages started popping up from Rebecca Warren. Sam turned the alert noise off then scrolled back to the beginning of the conversation. He read through quickly, "Hey, so get this, Rebecca might have solved our problem with how to keep your parents safe when they show up for Thanksgiving."

"What?" Jess slipped the finely chopped spinach into the sauce then went over to the table. She read through the messages. Her old roommates were all going out of town for the Thanksgiving break. Rebecca was going to go too but with her parents out of the country she was thinking of staying in California instead of heading home to Missouri but only if Jess wanted to crash at the old homestead for the week. The old roomies had even offered up all their beds so that her family would have a place to stay instead of a hotel room for Thanksgiving. Holy crap, did she ever love her old roomies.

"Rebecca...?" Dean tried to put a face to the name. He thought she was a hot blonde but he had met a lot of those lately. Jess it seemed had a particular taste in friends that he was quite alright with. "She checked out right? Not a demon?"

"Yeah, but we should probably check again just in case." Sam said as he read over the messages a second time with Jess.

"...okay so someone wanna tell me why Rebecca has solved our pending swarm of civilians problem?" Dean asked since Sam and Jess were intent on being nerds hunched over the laptop.

"Jess's old roommates are offering up her old place for us to stay at over Thanksgiving. There's enough room for her parents too." Sam said pushing the laptop aside so Jess could type. "Which means we won't have to tear apart a hotel room in front of them to look for hexbags. We can search Jess's old place before they get there and make it safe. They'll never have to know. We'll just have to get Rebecca out of the house for a bit."

"Huh. That's.... _convenient_." Dean took a sip of beer. His eyebrows scrunched together in thought, "Are we going with good old fashioned convenient or is Admiral Ackbar gonna tell us I told you so?"

Sam shrugged, "I don't think we'll know for sure until we get there."

"Becky's not possessed." Jess said firmly as she typed. She had to believe that. There was something gut-wrenchingly painful about the thought of Rebecca being possessed. Rebecca had been one of her first roommates and friends at school.

"I'm sure she's fine." Sam said even though he was already mentally going over contingency plans if she _was_ possessed.

Sputtering from the stove made Jess jump up. She hurried back to the sauce and stirred it quickly. She scooped out a spoonful and tasted it. She narrowed her eyes at it. It needed...another clove of garlic.

Dean drifted over to the stove to do some reconnaissance. He surveyed the counter nearby. There were a lot fewer vegetables on the counter then there had been earlier and that salad Sam had made didn't account for half of the missing ones. He eyed the sauce suspiciously.

"You'll like it." Jess said as she chopped garlic.

Dean wasn't too sure about that. "Isn't tomato sauce supposed to be, you know, tomat–" He caught movement out of the corner of his eye. Cas was screwing around with his leather jacket. "Hey! What're you doing with my jacket?"

"Nothing." Cas said as he fished the keys out of a pocket. He had finished the second bottle of whiskey and realized he'd need more than that to stay in a _cabin_ over night. He hadn't seen the rest of his booze anywhere in the cabin. That left the trunk of the car being the only logical place left for it. Between being mad at Dean for the insistence on wearing the suit and his own crushing failure at...well pretty much everything...and the usual abject guilt he had decided that it was probably a good idea to not feel feelings anymore. He didn't have relief in the form of a pill but there were a few bottles out in the car that promised something close.

Dean strode over and snatched his jacket away from Cas. He turned, intent on telling Cas off for going through his things but Cas was already heading for the door, "Where are _you_ going?"

"The car." Cas held the keys up. "Want to join me? We've spent many enchanting evenings in the backseat together."

Dean glared. Cas _really_ wanted to make sure all he thought about in the backseat was naked Cas. The backseat was going to be ruined forever. "Go to hell."

"Already been there." Cas said as he pulled the door open and stepped outside. He was well versed in Hell. He had been to Hell, lived through a few years of Hell on earth, and now he was in his own personal Hell. One where he knew everything about Dean while being a complete stranger to him. Those bottles in the trunk were sounding better with each passing second.

Dean debated on following Cas out and taking the keys off him. That asshole really didn't need to drink anymore but...well....if he _did_ drink more he might pass out again. Dean's face scrunched up thinking about this afternoon. Cas might pass out again but did he really want to put up with grabby Cas a second time today? Before he could make his mind up he could hear the trunk of the impala being slammed shut. Slammed. Goddamn it. He was gonna have a serious chat with Cas about keeping his paws off his stuff...and him. There was definitely gonna be no more touching.

Sam glanced up when Dean sat back down at the table, "I can talk to him tomorrow when he's sobered up a bit. Tell him to lay off all the...you know..."

Yeah, he knew too damn well. Dean shook his head. He didn't need his brother protecting his virtue.

"You sure? I mean, I know he's kind of hell bent on making you uncomfortable a lot of the time." Sam said trying to get Dean to just admit that he needed some help on this one.

Dean made a dismissive gesture and took a sip of beer. He wasn't uncomfortable. He was annoyed. "I don't need you to defend me from the ninety pound hippy."

Sam shook his head annoyed. Fine. If Dean wanted to not deal with the problem he could just keep getting picked on.

Fifteen minutes later Jess declared the pasta sauce done. She handed Sam the plates that they had bought earlier in the day then looked around the room. "Where's Cas?"

Dean frowned. Where the hell _was_ Cas? That asshole had the keys to his car. He turned towards the window. He leaned closer to the window and squinted through the glare. He could just make out Cas being a creepy fucking weirdo sitting in the passenger seat staring at the cabin. "Sulking in the car."

"Oh...should we...?" Jess asked as she grabbed the pot of pasta off the stove.

"Dude probably wouldn't eat anything anyway." Dean said. Cas seemed to be living off toast, jam, peanut butter, and coffee. And booze. Don't forget the crap ton of booze.

Sam cleared the police report away and set the laptops on the counter then slung the plates out just as Jess was bringing over the pot of pasta. He went back to the stove for the pot of sauce and followed along behind her scooping out spoonfuls. There was something very discordant about the whole thing. Here he was moving seamlessly with Jess like how they used to but some how his family and hunting had gotten all tangled up in it. He had been trying to get away from all that and now they were trying to hide from a demon. He had brought all that hunting crap right down on top of Jess. But they'd get the demon after her and after that? No more hunting. Ever.

Jess put the pot back on the stove and sat down. She glanced at Dean who was eyeing his plate with suspicion. Really? It wasn't like she was trying to feed him poison. Sam had been a little bad about trying new things at first but not this bad.

Dean picked up his fork and prodded the spaghetti and sauce. It didn't look weird. He sniffed at it. It smelt okay.

"Play with your food, Wednesday." Jess said watching Dean poke the pasta like it might bite. Dean gave her an exasperated look. She chuckled, "I _dare_ you to eat."

Dean gave Jess a calculated look before shoving his fork into the pasta. He wasn't about to wuss out on a dare from a girl. He twirled some pasta onto his fork and tentatively brought it towards his mouth.

"I double dog dare you." Jess said smirking when Dean hesitated. "No. I _triple_ dog dare ya."

That did it, she had gone right for the throat. Dean shoved the fork into his mouth. It.....wasn't bad. Actually....it was....it was pretty good.

Sam laughed at the surprised look on Dean's face. "So vegetables don't kill you after all?"

"I eat vegetables." Dean said defensively. He just didn't eat unhealthy amounts of salad.

" _When?"_ Sam asked incredulous.

"I dunno. I don't keep a food diary Sam." Dean said as he brought another forkful of pasta and sauce up to his mouth. "But I haven't started losing teeth to scurvy yet."

" _Yet."_ Sam said digging into his own plate. "I think that's the key word there."

\---

Cas watched from the car as the table erupted into laughter. He took a sip from the bottle that was already mostly empty. Dean was laughing and smiling. Dean looked so much younger. Not because he was but because he hadn't been through Hell. This Dean hadn't lost everything and had to settle for a broken fallen angel. This was what Dean was supposed to look like.

Cas scrubbed his hand over his face. He wasn't supposed to be a part of this. Why had Dean sent him back to this.... _stranger?_ He could go down swinging with Dean, give up his already shortened life, but this? He couldn't do this. He couldn't put on a suit and be... ** _that_** again. And that was what this Dean needed. An angel. Someone to watch over him. Not...not whatever he was these days.

Cas emptied the bottle then shoved his hand into his pocket. He pulled out the ring and amulet. He held the amulet up by the leather cord and let it swing in front of him. The ring slid down the cord and clinked against [the amulet](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5748665). Had Dean meant them to be proof for a younger Dean or had he given them to him? He pulled the leather cord over his head and let the ring and amulet fall against his chest. Did it matter? They were his now.

He pulled the list and note out of his breast pocket. He had lost count of how many times he had read them over (no he hadn't, 172). He read the note over first as he unscrewed a new bottle of liquor, talking to Dean as he read, "It _was_ a rough ride but this is worse. And I don't deserve a second chance. You do. You deserve to be here more than I do."

Cas glanced up at the window and watched this younger Dean. This wasn't really Dean's second chance. Right now, as long as he didn't change too much, he was just in the past but as soon as things started to change getting home would be so much harder. This time would split, arcing off onto its own path. A new timeline. One without his Dean. He'd need a seraph, or maybe even an archangel if the change was great enough, to hop him back to his own reality. But....but he wasn't going to, was he? This was what Dean wanted. Dean wanted to die without him while he had to deal with a stranger that wore his face.

....if he didn't _do_ anything. If he left right now and just let events take place.... But that wasn't what Dean wanted and he always ended up doing what Dean wanted, didn't he? Three quarters of the bottle disappeared as he contemplated having agreed to Dean's plan to let him die.

He flattened the note out on the dashboard and started reading over the list. Well he had managed to do the first thing at least. And Jess was still alive but that didn't mean much. How was he supposed to 'Save Jess'? Save her from dying? Save her from the Winchesters? What did that even mean? "Why do you always have to be so vague?"

The third item? He didn't even know where John Winchester was. John could be cutting all sorts of shady deals with demons right this very minute. His eyes flicked up to watch Dean through the window after reading the fourth item on the list. That was really the only one he would die for. He couldn't bare to watch Dean selling his soul and breaking in Hell again. Dean thought the apocalypse was his fault but it wasn't. "I was ten years too late. Everything that happened....god, it's all my fault. I wish a better angel had gotten to you first."

"Adam won't be hard to find....though I doubt you want him involved in hunting." Cas said as he brought the bottle up to his lips. He took a sip then shook his head, "I don't even know how you found out Lucifer's first vessel's name."

"I guess we'll see about Sam." Cas said with a shrug. He laughed to himself about items nine and ten. "I'm off them for now until I can figure something out and you can fuck off about drinking because I'm doing that right now and let's just see you try to stop me."

Tears welled up in his eyes because Dean _couldn't_ try to stop him and this Dean didn't care to stop him. This Dean was a stranger. He wiped at his eyes, "I cut my hair at least. You'd probably like it."

He laughed at item twelve, "Newsflash Dean, thirty five year old you is kind of an asshole too. Not like anything's changed in almost ten years."

It was the last item on the list that always got to him. He ran his finger over it trying to imagine Dean's hand moving over the paper as he wrote it. He wiped at his eyes again and took in a shaky breath. "Fuck you Dean, all you said was _sorry_ in the end. Why couldn't you have just said **_it._** Why couldn't I have heard it from you just _once?"_

He balled up the note and clenched it in his fist as tears left hot trails down his face. It was always item thirteen that tore him up inside.

When he wasn't such a god awful disgusting wreck all upset over three stupid fucking words on a scrap of paper he uncrumpled the list. He flattened it out against the dashboard and set it down beside the note. He stared at the two scraps of yellow paper before him. Two scraps of paper that were supposed to dictate his life now. He raised his bottle to them, "See you in ten Dean because I'm going to fuck this up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to admit to some minor author insert here: everyone in this fic is going to cook like me. Not necessarily things I like but just the method in which they cook and by method I mean, measurements are almost entirely unknown. How much? Enough. How much should they add? A handful. How long does this cook for? Awhile. Baking is a different matter. 
> 
> I just wanted to mention that I'm not going with that weird fandom thing about Cas being some sort of tiny slender guy that could blow away in the wind. I figure the apocalypse is probably a rather extreme weight loss program and Cas hasn't been eating much since he got to 2005. Cas is scrawny at the moment because he's underfed.
> 
> References  
> The title of this chapter is the name of a song by Queen.  
> Admiral Ackbar: Starwars. Dean is referring to the infamous, "It's a trap!"  
> "Play with your food, Wednesday." - The Addams Family (1991). It should actually be "Wednesday, play with your food."  
> "I triple dog dare ya" - Jess is referring to A Christmas Story (1983). Dean references it again with "went right for the throat."


	10. Milburn Pennybags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas squinted with the effort of trying to summon up memories from last night but much of yesterday was a blur. Good. That was the way he liked it; an alcohol fueled purge of emotion that he didn't have to think about the next morning because he couldn't remember it– Winchester problem solving at its finest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has some, what I'm gonna call, _mild_ deus ex machina going on but honestly I don't think anyone could keep a straight face and tell me Dean _wouldn't_ do this if he had been planning to send Cas to 2005.

Rapid banging on the roof of the car startled Cas awake. Cas blinked against the daylight. Why did the sun have to be so bright? What did he ever do to it? He rolled his shoulders back trying to work out the kinks from sleeping in the car overnight. Despite the physical pain he felt better. He squinted with the effort of trying to summon up memories from last night but much of yesterday was a blur. Good. That was the way he liked it; an alcohol fuelled purge of emotion that he didn't have to think about the next morning because he couldn't remember it– Winchester problem solving at its finest.

The driver's door opened. Dean poked his head in, "You coming in today? Or what?"

Cas squeezed his eyes shut against Dean's voice, "You don't have to be so loud."

Dean grinned and didn't even try to lower his voice, "You didn't have to drink a case of booze."

"I did. Trust me." Cas said rubbing his forehead not too agitated over the pain. The pain the morning after was always worth it if he didn't have to remember whichever pain it was that had set him to drinking the night before.

"Sure dude." Dean rolled his eyes. He grabbed the keys off the dashboard, "In the mean time, come grab a couple of those boxes. We've got an exciting day of looking through files. Sam's practically foaming at the mouth to get started." He closed the door. He may have closed it with slightly more force than necessary to make Cas flinch but he didn't _slam it_.

Cas rubbed his hand over his face and finally dared to open his eyes again. It was still daylight out. He groaned his displeasure at the very concept of daylight and opened up the car door. He went around to the trunk, yawning and scratching at his sides. Dean shoved a box at him. He grumbled about not being sent back to 2005 to do menial labour early in the morning.

"Great. Here's another one." Dean said piling a second box on top of the first. He watched (definitely not impressed) as Cas shifted the boxes into one arm and reached into the trunk to grab his huge ass duffle bag too. Dean stacked a bunch of loose files on top of the remaining box definitely not because he didn't want it to look like he was being out done by the ninety pound hippy. He heaved the box out and closed the trunk. He glanced up at the cabin and back to Cas who had his hands full and couldn't be grabby. Good. This was the perfect chance to pre-empt Sam from making a big deal about yesterday. He thrust his chin at Cas, "Hey. We need to _talk._ About yesterday."

"What about it?" Cas said warily. The whole point of drinking until he couldn't remember a damn thing was so that he couldn't remember a damn thing. It didn't work if Dean insisted on not pretending it didn't happen. He was going to have to tell Dean about the tried and true agreement his future self had settled upon with him. It would make life easier.

"You gotta quit being all... ** _touchy_** when you're drinking. It's not cool." Dean said squaring his shoulders. Really, they didn't need to _talk_. Cas just needed to be _told_. Yeah, he'd lay down another rule for Cas. "That's rule five. No touching."

"Alrighty." Cas yawned relieved that Dean wasn't trying to have a Winchester heart to heart while leaning against the impala.

"I mean it." Dean said trying to give his best _definitely not into dudes being touchy with him while they're drunk_ look which involved a lot eyebrow movement.

"Uh huh." Cas said through another yawn.

Dean didn't like the way that _uh huh_ sounded but he didn't know what else to say. He started back to the cabin, Cas following beside him with his eyes practically closed. When they clomped in Sam and Jess were right where he had left them, Jess on her laptop and Sam reading the police report, both eating oatmeal. He shook his head, "Dude, it's like eating soggy cereal."

"It's good for you." Jess said as she typed one handed. The other hand holding a spoon full of oatmeal halfway to her mouth. She was busy finalizing plans with Rebecca. She'd have to buy all her old roomies fifty pounds of chocolate each for Christmas in thanks. She had been worrying about what to tell her parents when they showed up and she had to explain that they needed salt on their windows and bad graffiti in front of the doors. She didn't think her parents would take it well....her younger brother would probably think it was cool which was almost just as bad. Sam jerked up from his slouching position. It made her jump, "What's up?"

"The police report says the neighbours saw someone knocking at the door to the apartment an hour or two before it burnt down." Sam said. He picked the loose page up and flipped it over to the read pile. He skimmed over the next page, "They say he was about six feet with either dark blonde or light brown hair."

"So it can't be Rebecca?" Jess said hopefully.

"Well..." Sam picked at the page. He didn't really want to shatter Jess's hope. He liked Rebecca. They were friends. He was friends with her brother too. But.... "It _could_ still be Rebecca. This guy at the door could have been anyone, but it means it's less likely to be Rebecca."

"Not really. Demons swap meat sui—" Cas shivered, he had almost said that horrible word. " _Hosts_. All the time. They use them up and spit them out."

"Well aren't you just a ray of sunshine." Dean said as he ran his fingers over the box of files. Sam had a system to going through them but so did he. He ran his fingers over them and just grabbed one at random. He'd go through them all eventually. He pulled out the lucky folder of the day then pulled out a second one and tossed it at Cas who had flopped down onto the couch. "Here. Make yourself useful."

Cas caught it and set it on the coffee table. He glanced over at the table and had the distinct feeling that everyone was avoiding him. Had he come back into the cabin last night? How much _had_ he drank? Hopefully not enough that he started singing Janis Joplin songs at Dean (take another little piece Dean). His stomach growled. If he _had_ come back in he hadn't eaten. He got up to investigate the stove. The pot Sam and Jess had cooked their oatmeal in still had some left in the bottom. He grabbed the pot and a spoon off the counter that looked like it had been used for coffee. He set them down on the coffee table then went to the duffle bag Dean had sent with him...which was _his_ now he supposed. He was offhandedly annoyed that Dean hadn't sent his alice pack with him but then he'd have known something was up on their last 'quick' mission before they went to kill the devil.

"What're you doing?" Dean asked when he looked up to see Cas just casually dump what was probably a few thousand dollars onto the couch then continue to dig through that huge duffle bag.

"Peanut butter." Cas said by way of explanation. Cas found two packets of peanut butter and sat back down on the couch. He peeled them open and scooped the contents into the pot.

"That is so gross." Sam said watching now too.

"Then don't eat it." Cas said as he mixed the peanut butter and leftover oatmeal together and settled in to read...oh joy, thirty pages of old newspaper printouts from 1982 to 1984 about unusual animal behaviour. At least there was no more ever so helpful Winchester commentary.

Cas had made it to 1983 when he decided it was time for a break. He ambled over to the mini fridge and hoped Dean had stocked it the night before. It appeared today his wishes were going to be granted.

Dean rubbed at his forehead as he tried to figure out the file he was reading. Would it have killed Dad to label his stuff? It was just page after page of lists of towns but some of the towns were circled so there was obviously something going on. He just didn't know what. He glanced up when he heard the clink of beer bottles. He shook his head, "Dude, it's not even noon."

" _Dude_." Cas mimicked back, "I think we've had this conversation before."

Dean rolled his eyes. Cas wandered towards the table where all the non-alcoholics were busy researching– or studying in Jess's case. Dean was totally not impressed when Cas pulled the cap off his beer (those weren't twist tops). He was _annoyed._ Annoyed that Cas wasn't working. Over there on the couch. Which was not here at the table hovering over his shoulder. He glared up at him, "What?"

"And I thought three years of unusual animal behaviour was boring." Cas said passively when he saw the long list of town names. He sipped at his beer.

Sam leaned over to look at what Dean had been grumbling about for the past two hours. His eyes lit up, "Is San Diego on that list?"

"Uh..." Dean started flipping through pages, "I think so?"

"Was it circled?" Sam asked watching Dean grab at pages randomly. Dean really had to get a system down or else he was going to turn into Dad. Sam tapped his thumb on the table waiting.

"Hold _on_." Dean said. He leafed through a stack of pages and pulled one out. His eyes flicked over the page. He passed it over to Sam, "Yep. Twice. That mean something?"

Sam pointed to the newspaper clippings in front of him. He had gotten all he could out of the police report an hour ago and had moved on to looking through any files of Dad's about California. "Maybe. I've been reading over these newspaper clippings Dad had- you'd think he never heard of the internet- they're from San Diego."

"Anything interesting?" Dean asked.

"Two unusual deaths. Within a couple of minutes of each other. Apparently their hearts just stopped." Sam said. That wasn't the usual MO of any monsters he could think of. Normally it was hearts missing. Not hearts stopping. So the deaths were extra unusual.

"Nothing chowed down on them?" Dean asked surprised.

"Nope. They were alive one minute and the next–" Sam motioned to the newspaper clippings. "Page six news."

"Huh...well...that's...... _weird_. Usually there's more creature feature going on." Dean scratched at his jaw. He looked at San Diego circled twice and the newspaper clippings. "You know, that's not too far from here. We could head out now. Check it out tomorrow."

Jess had been half listening to the conversation while she did her homework. She looked and gave Dean an incredulous look, "Not far? That's like an eight hour drive."

For her troubles Jess got identical shrugs from all three men. She let out a long sigh. Well, at least she knew why Sam's definition of _nearby_ was ridiculous.

"Even if it is only eight hours, we're not going Dean." Sam said. His jaw clenched in a _so there_ gesture.

Cas could see Dean getting ready to launch into a we need to find Dad speech. Sam could have the honour of listening to that on his own, he'd rather read through two more years of animal sightings. He retreated back to the couch, stopping at the duffle bag to dig out a handful of packets of jam.

Jess wasn't particularly fond of the find Dad argument either. She escaped to the bathroom to shower. When she got out fifteen minutes later it was to find Sam at the table engrossed in some new folder full of crazy and Dean poking around in the kitchenette. She started back to her spot at the table but stopped when she stepped on a bundle of cash that had fallen from the duffle bag. She bent down, picked it up, and tossed it into the bag without thinking much of it. Then she stopped. She had been running around with Sam, his brother, and...whatever Cas was long enough that she thought a duffle bag full of money was normal. That wasn't normal at all. She frowned at the bag, "Cas? How much is in here anyway? It...it looks like _a lot_...as in maybe we shouldn't be leaving this in the trunk of the car all day."

Cas glanced over and shrugged. He grabbed a bundle of cash off the couch and tossed it at Jess, "There. Have some. Now there's less to leave in the car all day."

Jess looked between the money in her hand and Cas who was busy licking jam out of single serving packets like they were jello shooters. She thumbed through the money. Her eyes went wide. "Cas, you just threw me ten grand."

Cas shrugged again. He shoved the money on the couch towards Jess, "Not enough? Take more."

Jess looked between her art history assignment and the duffle bag. Six page essay or count a bag of money? She dragged the duffle bag closer to the couch and sat down. She pointed at the bag, "Do you care if I...?"

"You could burn it all for all I care." Cas said not looking up from the page he was reading. He didn't know what to do with it except drink it away. Dean had his credit cards. What did they need cash for?

Somewhere around three hundred thousand and the duffle bag not even half way empty Jess started wondering if maybe she really had died and the afterlife wasn't happiness and lost loved ones but just a really strange unbelievable string of events meant to make sure you didn't have time to think about whether you were dead.

She was well on her way to four hundred thousand when she picked up a bundle with something other than cash stuck in it. She pulled it out and flipped it over. It was a picture. The bottom was all crumpled but that didn't take away from what it was. A picture of Dean and Cas sitting on a picnic table and another man sitting behind it. It wouldn't be strange if Cas didn't look younger while Dean looked older. She glanced over at Cas. Well...his time traveller story had just gotten another ounce of credit. She held the picture out, "I...umm...think this is yours."

She watched Cas's face go from surprise to some complex emotion she couldn't describe. He shoved the photo at her and stood up. He strode over to the mini fridge cleared it out of beer and walked out the front door.

"What was that about?" Sam asked turning to look at Jess...who was sitting in a ring of stacks of money.

Jess brought the picture over. She handed it to Sam.

"Oh. Jeez. That is _weird_." Sam said looking at the picture.

"What?" Dean asked curious.

"Uh..." Sam passed it over not sure how Dean would take it.

Dean stared at the picture. Holy crap. He looked _old_. ....and kinda like he needed a shower. And Bobby. Jesus. He hadn't seen Bobby since he ran Dad off with a shotgun. Bobby looked....well....he looked like he wasn't doing too great. His eyes quickly flicked across the part of the picture he had been avoiding, then darted back to it. His eyebrows went up surprised. Cas looked ten years younger and like he had an extra twenty pounds on him. His eyes flicked between himself and Cas. He was laughing his ass off about something and Cas had a stern confused look on his face instead of the usual smirk. They were sitting together— not _together!_ Just sort of chummy sitting together....like they were friends.

"You...uh...okay?" Sam asked hesitantly. It had to be pretty weird to see a picture of yourself from the future, especially with the guy that...well...whatever Cas was.

"Huh? Uh...yeah. Here." Dean thrust the picture back at Sam then pawed at the loose pages around himself to get back to work. He stared hard at the page in front of him. He had figured future him and Cas had had some sort of apocalypse thing. You know, one exception, last night on earth and all that. Not that he had been thinking about himself and Cas! He just hadn't thought they'd actually been _friends_. Like sure, Cas had good taste in music and liked his car but....jesus fucking christ, why was he even thinking about this? He had work to do. A demon after Sam and Jess and Dad off in the wind somewhere. He didn't have time to not think about weird Cas future gay stuff that wasn't happening anyway.

\---

Cas was sitting on the steps to the cabin and down to the last beer when the door creaked open behind him. He didn't turn around. Instead he took another sip of beer that wasn't going to do anything. How was he supposed to deal with his problems if Dean kept shoving them in his face when he didn't have anything worth while to drink? How did Dean even manage to do that when he wasn't even here? Fuck. That [horrible picture](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/5791640) was suddenly being thrust at him again.

"Here." Sam held the picture out.

"I don't want that." Cas said before taking another sip of beer.

Sam frowned but just as he started to move his hand away Cas snatched the picture from him and stuffed it into his breast pocket. Sam didn't comment on it. He leaned against the side of the cabin. His eyes flicked over the empty beer bottles beside Cas. Considering what he saw Cas drink yesterday Cas probably wasn't even buzzed, so that was good. At least Cas was probably sober. Sam kicked at some stray gravel, "So....guess that was...uh..."

Cas shook his head stopping Sam before he even started.

"Okay...well...uh...congratulations then." Sam said. He didn't really want to talk about that anyway. He just felt like if Dean wouldn't someone had to.

"On _what?"_ Cas laughed, "My spectacular life choices?"

"Jess finished counting all that money in your duffle bag. She says there's just a little over two point two million." Sam said. It _still_ didn't seem real. He had never in his life expected to see that kind of money in one place at one time and yet he had been driving around with it for weeks. It screamed Dean and his obsession with terrible movies. Sam was pretty sure it was the plot to a couple of bad B movies out of the 80s. "So congrats, you're a millionaire."

Cas stared wondering if Sam was serious. He was. He burst out laughing, "You know I don't even know how to open a bank account."

"Yeah...you can't put that in a bank." Sam said. He didn't need to be trying to get into law school to know a bank was going to be suspicious of a guy like Cas showing up with a bag of money, "You don't have a good explanation exactly for how you got it....and I'm gonna guess it's stolen anyway."

"Is it really stealing if no one is alive?" Cas mused allowed.

"I think that's just called looting." Sam said.

Cas shrugged and waved his hand in a _what're you gonna do?_ gesture. Stealing, looting, and scavenging were the less bloody things he had done to stay alive.

"We're thinking we'll leave early tomorrow and find a storage facility that won't ask too many questions." Sam said. That was the best idea him and Dean could come up with after the initial shock had worn off. Hide it in a storage unit. They could stick Dad's files in there too....and maybe Cas's less discreet guns.

Cas made a noncommittal noise and went back to his beer. A few moments later he heard the door open and close as Sam went back in. He sipped at his beer. His eyebrows furrowed as he wondered again just how long Dean had been planning this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References  
> Milburn Pennybags - The name of the Mr. Monopoly man.
> 
> *over important throat clearing* And now I shall provide some numbers:
> 
> 2.2 million USD in one hundred dollar bills weighs 48.5 pounds and would fill up a space just under 23 litres. Dean would have grabbed some smaller bills too so let's say 50 pounds altogether taking up a space of about 25 litres. Dean also sent two Beretta 92FS's and a Valtro PM5 while Cas was carrying a Heckler & Koch MP5A3 (all guns seen in the episode The End), we'll round up and say collectively they weigh about 20 pounds. Cas could easily carry several guns, clothes, and 2.2 million dollars in one large duffle bag. I thought this out. 
> 
> This is actually one thing that agitates me greatly about Endverse/time travel fics when there's a _plan_ to go back to the past. It's the end of the world. There would be money everywhere free for the taking. So why the hell _wouldn't_ they grab a few million? It would help them keep a low profile in the past instead of being wanted everywhere for credit card fraud. I'd do it. Literally anyone I told the scenario to said they would. I couldn't see Dean passing up the opportunity. Plus, Dean couldn't be sure that 2005!Dean would let a complete stranger tag along. What then? Cas wouldn't know how to scam credit cards. Cas would be alone in 2005 with no way to get anywhere or do anything. So yes. Bag full of money, I don't regret it.


	11. Pop stars and popes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Jess were fussing around in the kitchen, Cas would double check any place he searched for hexbags, and they had left all of Dad's stuff in the storage unit they had stashed Cas's money in. It meant that for the first time in weeks Dean had sweet fuck all to do and he was going to take advantage of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been horrendously sick the last week. It's kinda gross. So we missed an update...actually it might be two now, and this weeks update is early. Also, I'm going to have to post the updates for the companion piece for this chapter when the next chapter goes up because I am kinda wiped out right now.

The week went by a lot faster than Dean wanted it to. He wasn't particularly looking forward to this Brady Bunch family dinner that Sam and Jess were planning when they should be focusing on finding the demon after Sam and Jess and looking for Dad. But no, Thanksgiving Dinner was _important_.

He knew Sam liked to try and pretend they were normal but this was getting excessive. Thanksgiving Dinner had always been a can of turkey soup and either the football game or A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving if the motel they were staying in wasn't a complete dive...alright, a better dive than what was normal. Oh no, they just couldn't go with _Winchester_ family tradition. That was why he was carrying 15 pounds of raw bird and standing around in front of Jess's old place waiting for her to open the door.

Jess pulled the handle forward and jiggled the key in the door. They had met up with Rebecca after class to get the key. Rebecca wouldn't get home until later which gave Cas the perfect opportunity to prowl around the house and declare it demon free.

"Your turkey is dripping." Dean said holding it away from himself. He wrinkled his nose at the turkey juices dripping down to the ground right beside his shoe.

"Hold on." Jess jiggled the key again and yanked on the door handle. The dead bolt finally turned. She smiled at all the terrible memories of trying to open this door after a few drinks. She tucked the key into her pocket and opened the door. It didn't smell like home inside anymore but it also didn't smell like disinfectant and cheap laundry detergent. She pointed across the living room, "Kitchen's that way Dean. Just dump it in the sink."

Sam snickered at Dean's grimace as he pushed past him and grumbling. "Come on Dean, we spent our childhoods dealing with grosser stuff than raw turkey."

Dean shot a scowl at Sam over his shoulder, "Not the kind of bird juices I want on my hands."

"Classy." Cas commented as he followed them inside. He had avoided turkey detail in favour of checking the house out for hexbags and painting devil's traps in front of all the doors and windows in invisible black light paint. Which was why he had a black light wand and a can of spray paint while everyone else had groceries.

"Oh, right. Because you're a regular Roger Moore." Dean scoffed as he made his way into the kitchen. He dropped the turkey into the sink then immediately turned the water on and started scrubbing at his hands. People got salmonella from raw poultry.

"I've got sheer magnetism, darling." Cas said. He surveyed the living room. This was a horrible house to fortify, there were two huge windows at the front of the house. He pulled the couch away from the wall then shook the can of invisible black light paint. Time to get to work.

Dean hauled in duffle bags while Sam and Jess brought in groceries (how much did Jess think they were going to eat?). He dropped the bags on the couch then plunked down next to them. He watched Cas comb through the living room looking for hexbags.

"You could help you know." Cas said as he pulled out books from a book case to check behind them.

"Or- and I'm just thinking out loud here- I could sit here and watch you do all the hard work while I appreciate the couch." Dean said as he bent down to untie his boots. He pushed them off once they were untied and swung his feet up on the coffee table. Sam and Jess were fussing around in the kitchen, Cas would double check any place he searched for hexbags, and they had left all of Dad's stuff in the storage unit they had stashed Cas's money in. It meant that for the first time in weeks Dean had sweet fuck all to do and he was going to take advantage of that.

Cas shot Dean a sly grin, "You want to watch me do all the _hard_ work? I think that can be arranged."

Dean rolled his eyes and didn't take the bait. He wasn't going to let Cas ruin his day off. Sam had only been half right about ignoring Cas. Ignoring him didn't make him stop but it did stop things from escalating.

"Hey." Sam said coming into the living room holding a can of cranberry sauce. "Don't forget Dean, if anyone asks you're a mechanic."

Dean nodded a little bit annoyed. They had gone over this _a million times_ this week. He was a mechanic from Kansas. He was gonna make some bad jokes about being from the band and not the state. He motioned towards Cas, "Any thoughts on him yet? Besides professional alcoholic?"

"....uh...Cas, what _do_ we say you do?" Sam asked. They had been trying to work out a cover story for Cas that he'd be able to keep up for a week around people that would be there long enough to pick up on a bad cover story.

"What? Scavenger, looter, and minor warlord isn't good enough for you?" Cas asked with a grin while he shoved the books back into the bookcase.

"No." Sam and Dean said.

Cas chuckled, "I forgot you do that."

Sam watched Cas finish up checking out the bookcase and move on to open the coat closet. He started checking the few jackets and sweaters left behind for the week for hexbags. Sam got an idea, "What if we said you did private security?"

"Sure. It's not entirely untrue." Cas said. He turned out the pockets of the next jacket but all he found was a pack of gum.

"What's your name?" Jess asked. She took the can of cranberry sauce off Sam. She hadn't realized until she was putting away a bag of potatoes that she didn't even know Cas's last name and she was about to introduce him to her family.

Cas gave her a look that said a variety of scathing sarcastic things without actually having to say them. He finished checking the closet and moved on to the tv stand.

Jess gave him a disapproving look, "You know what I mean. What's your _full_ name? Your last name?"

"I don't have a last name." Cas said as he ran his fingers over a ledge at the back of the tv stand.

"...so, what? You're like Cher?" Jess asked.

"Exactly like Cher. " Cas said. He turned and winked at his captive audience. He burst into song, "And where he goes to the road gets rougher! Lonelier and tougher!"

Dean shook his head, "Dude, don't give up your day job."

".....so you're just _Cas?"_ Jess said. That was almost as hard to believe as the time travel bit. Everyone had a last name.

"Yep." Cas said.

"What's Cas short for? Cassidy?" Sam asked. It hadn't occurred to him to wonder about Cas's name these past few weeks. Jess had brought up a good point. How were any of them supposed to lie about who Cas was if no one even knew Cas's _name?_

Cas laughed, "Yeah. You got me. Butch Cassidy."

"Castiel."

Cas's laugh cut off abruptly. He froze where he was with his hand wedged inbetween the tv and the side of the tv stand. How did Dean know that? [When had he told Dean that](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6169352)?

"You said your name was Castiel." Dean said. Did Cas really think he'd just forgotten that day when he had crashed out of his motel room closet and started making his life harder?

Cas shivered. He hadn't heard Dean say his full name in...he didn't know actually, years at least. He hunched his shoulders together and finished checking the tv stand for hexbags. "....yeah. It is."

Dean studied Cas carefully. So suits, talk about faith, and his full name were Cas's weak points? He filed that under ammunition for when Cas got on his nerves– so always. Before he could poke at the sore point Cas stalked away through a door off the living room. Well that was no fun. He got off the couch and followed Sam and Jess into the kitchen with no intention of helping but every intention of grabbing a beer and supervising.

"Well, either he really doesn't have a last name or he won't tell us." Sam said as he tried to find space in the fridge. "So let's just go with Cas Jones in the meantime."

Dean shrugged and sipped at his beer.

Jess poked at the turkey in the sink. She wasn't sure how Dean had managed to rip the plastic packaging. She glanced at the fridge. The pan they had bought for the turkey wouldn't fit into the fridge with everything else....maybe if they wrapped it up in a garbage bag? She started digging under the kitchen sink for the bags, "I've been thinking about sleeping arrangements tonight. We'll take my old room– but Carolyn made me promise we wouldn't get up to any funny business on her bed."

"She's still mad about that?" Sam asked. Dear god that had been embarrassing, "It's not like we did it _on_ _purpose_."

"What'd you do?" Dean asked intrigued by the sudden flush of pink on Sam's face. Did Sam actually have a life outside of studying and doing his homework?

"We went out drinking with everyone after exams last year but we came home early." Jess said as she opened up a garbage bag. "And then we made a series of unfortunate decisions and ended up in the wrong room."

"Carolyn walked in on us." Sam said. It was _still_ embarrassing. He had walked in on Dean enough times to know how that felt but it really had been just one giant drunk misunderstanding.

Dean snickered at Sam. "Did she faint at the sight of your pasty white gigantor ass?"

"She threw a stuffed bear at his head." Jess said chuckling at the memory. She had been embarrassed that she had drunkenly stumbled into the wrong room but the moment Sam had turned bright red with embarrassment his face framed by purple unicorn sheets she hadn't been able to stop laughing. "Anyway, we've got my old room. We'll stow my parents in Trish's room and my brother can sleep on the blow up mattress in there with them. And Cas can sleep in Steph's room down here."

"So I get the guest house out back?" Dean asked when his name was suspiciously not included.

"Well...with Rebecca in her room and Josh on the blow up mattress you're stuck on the couch because I don't think it's a good idea for _anyone_ to put Cas on the couch." Jess said. _She_ hadn't forgotten Cas waking up with a gun and trying to shoot them. She motioned for Sam to grab the turkey and hold it up. She started pulling the garbage bag around it. "Unless you wanna cuddle up with Sam on a double bed and I can go sleep with Rebecca."

"Or I could go cuddled up with Rebecca." Dean suggested. He could definitely be charitable and share a bed with the hot blonde.

"Or you could see if Cas wouldn't mind sharing." Jess retorted when she saw the look on Dean's face.

Dean's nose wrinkled, "That's low Jess."

Jess shrugged, "Well you don't need to hit on everything that moves if it has breasts."

"I dunno, this is Dean we're talking about." Sam said taking the turkey from Jess. He wrapped the loose end of the bag around the turkey so it wouldn't leak and crammed it into the space he had cleared in the fridge, "He might have a stroke if he can't use his cheesy pickup lines."

"My pickup lines are smooth." Dean defended. Sam and Jess shared a look. Dean rolled his eyes. He was smoother than a baby's bottom. He grabbed his beer off the table and started for the living room, "I'm gonna go check on our drunk hippy."

Dean found Cas in that room off the living room which turned out to be a bedroom.

Cas was painting a devil's trap in front of a window when Dean appeared in the doorway with a beer, "Bring me one?"

"Nope." Dean said and sipped at his beer. "We're scaling you back while Jess's family is here."

"A dubious choice." Cas said. He shook the can of spray paint again. He'd need to get another one soon, "I'm not exactly a joy to be around while I'm sobering up."

"You're not exactly a joy to be around while you're drinking." Dean said. Cas was either surly or grabby when he was drunk and either way Cas was under the delusion he could sing. Dean had had enough of _that_ to last him a lifetime. He sipped at his beer again and watched Cas, "So what _is_ your last name, dude?"

"I don't have one." Cas said. He shook the spray can again. The paint came out in a fizzled puff. He tossed the can aside and grabbed a new one, "Angels don't have last names."

"Right. Angels don't have last names because that would just be crazy talk." Dean said. He could believe time travelling hippy but he was still leaning towards calling the angel story bullshit. "Let me guess angel's don't have halos or wings or harps either?"

Cas let out a long breath and took in a steady deep one. He couldn't talk to Dean about angels if he was being cut off.

Dean shrugged to himself when he saw that Cas was just ignoring him. "Well, Sam's named you Cas Jones in the meantime. So stick to that, _Castiel."_

"Will do _Fearless Leader_." Cas said before he could catch himself. His insides turned cold. Why had he said that? A tremor went through him. All week, ever since spending last weekend in that god awful cabin and Jess had found that even worse picture, he had been slipping up. Maybe it was just the casual chilliness and lack of belief in him from this Dean that was reminding him of his own Dean.

Dean arched an eyebrow at the name. It wasn't the first time Cas had called him that and he was starting to get the drift that fearless leader was what Cas called future him. He narrowed his eyes at Cas, "Yeah, well you just remember to act like a normal person when the civies get here."

"Alrighty." Cas said. He gave Dean a thumbs up and went back to the devil's trap hoping Dean would go away before he said something else horrifying.

\---

The sound of someone fighting with the front door made Jess look at Cas panicked. He was making holy water in the Brita filter water jug. How was she supposed to explain that to someone? The door was shoved open just as Cas was pulling the rosary out of the jug.

"Hey! Look who I found wandering around like a lost puppy in the neighbourhood!" Rebecca called out.

Jess stepped into the living room but didn't go to the door. Cas had been adamant that they let everyone come into the house and cross the devil's trap before anyone went to them.

Sam stood near Jess ready to do whatever had to be done. Hopefully that wouldn't be trying to protect Jess while doing an exorcism and trying to talk Cas out of killing a friend of his. He was surprised to see Luis poke his head in the door behind Rebecca.

Luis grinned when he spotted Sam, "Hey Sam, long time no see."

"Luis, hey, yeah, we've been...busy." Sam said lamely. He stepped a few paces closer but stayed where he was. Rebecca had come in but Luis hadn't left the doorway. Was he the demon? Was he stuck in a devil's trap?

Luis glanced between Sam and Jess and gave them a perplexed look, "Starting to think I smell funny."

Jess let out the breath she was holding when Luis stepped away from the spot where the devil's trap would be. She moved in for _hi, how's it going, great to see you're not a demon_ hug– it was a complex expression to get across with a hug. "Don't worry, it's not you. Sam's the funny smelling one."

"He wasn't eating burritos again was he?" Luis laughed.

Jess wanted to laugh but she had survived the burrito incident of 2004, instead she motioned towards Dean who had drifted closer and looked like he was trying to decide if he wanted to laze around on the couch or interrogate Luis for a second time; they had run into him a few days after the fire. "You remember Sam's brother Dean right?"

"Yeah, spilly drinker and says dude a lot." Luis said. He waved at Dean, "Hey, _dude_."

Dean plastered on his talking to witnesses smile. He didn't say dude _that_ much and he only spilled his drinks when he was checking for demons...or scamming pool, "Hi."

"And Cas." Jess pointed towards Cas who was lingering in the kitchen with his usual scowl for new people.

"I think there was more scruff last time we met." Luis commented as he shucked his jacket. He turned and whispered to Jess, "He could out freeze the ice queen."

"Yeah.....he's...." Jess shrugged. She still hadn't come up with a good way to describe Cas except for _damaged_ and there wasn't really a subtle way to say that.

"When does your family get in?" Rebecca asked hanging her coat up and passing Luis a hanger. "Are you picking them up?"

"They're renting a car. We're actually expecting them any minute now." Jess said. Her mom had phoned when their plan had touched down.

Rebecca gave her a serious look. "Did your grandmother send cookies with them?"

"My mom didn't say." Jess said. She made her way back towards Sam. She could feel another one of those laughing fits coming on. A demon was after her and Rebecca wanted to know if her grandmother had made _cookies?_ How had she come to this point in her life where that sentence even made sense? She let her hand fall by her side and slipped it into Sam's hand. He gave it a squeeze. Maybe they were going through a bit of a rough patch- oh god, she was calling a demonic killer a _rough patch?-_ but Sam at least was still there for her.

"You're not going home for the break?" Sam asked Luis. He gave Jess's hand another squeeze when he saw that look in her eye.

"My flight's tomorrow morning. Four am." Luis said.

The sound of car doors closing made Jess snap her head towards the window. They were here. Her family was here. She glanced at Sam. How was she supposed to just stand around and wait for her family to pass the demon tests?

Sam looked between Jess and the window. He nodded at Dean to follow him. They'd help Jess's family bring everything in and conveniently spill some holy water on them. Hopefully none of them were the demon but if they were he didn't want Jess seeing her family like that.

Dean grabbed the water bottle of holy water off the coffee table and prepared to do his spilly talker routine. He followed Sam out the door. It wasn't hard to spot Jess's family. Jess apparently got tall and blonde from both sides. Holy crap, was Jess's dad taller than Sam?

"Hi Jackie, Jim." Sam said giving Jess's mom a hug and her dad a handshake. He bent down to look in the car. He tapped on the window and waved at Jess's little brother. He stood back up and motioned to Dean, "This is my brother Dean."

Dean stuck his hand out and shook hands with Jess's parents. He gave his animated _great to meet you_ talk that sloshed water around.

"So we're finally getting to meet the elusive Winchester family." Jim said. He flashed a smile at Dean, "You've probably already gotten an ear full about Sam's LSAT score but I'll just harp on about it once more, I promise, your family must be proud of a score like that."

"LSAT?" Dean glanced at Sam for a hint about what Jess's dad was talking about.

"I haven't told my family." Sam jumped in when he saw the confused look on Dean's face. "With...umm...with the fire and everything I just kinda...forgot to mention it."

"Oh." Jim said looking surprised and a little concerned.

"Is your father here too?" Jackie asked when the awkward silence went on for too long.

"No. My dad's...not really into holidays." Sam said. The real reason Dad wasn't coming for Thanksgiving dinner might be because he was missing but Sam wouldn't have bet on Dad showing up even if he _wasn't_ missing. He could count the number of times Dad had been around at Thanksgiving dinner on one hand.

"Oh...well...it's nice that you came Dean." Jackie said. She glanced over when the car door opened. She pulled a cranky looking teen against her with an arm, "And here's the family grump. Josh, this is Sam's brother Dean."

"Hey." Dean stuck his hand out with the water bottle _accidentally_ spilling some water on Jess's brother. He thought their names over while Sam chatted away with them. Jim and Jackie and their kids Jess and Josh? Oh god no, Sam was getting in with one of those families that _theme named_.

Not long after Dean was making a second trip back to the rented car- Jess's family had all crossed the devil's trap- to grab the last of their stuff and check for hexbags. When he came back in with yet another suitcase he found Sam trying to explain Cas– who was watching Jackie like she was the lead suspect for a murder case.

"Ah...where _are_ you from Cas?" Sam asked. Shit. He hadn't thought of giving Cas a hometown...probably because he didn't have one either.

"I move around a lot." Cas said icily. He glanced over when he saw Dean come in the door and started edging towards him. He hated meeting new people in this time. He had no idea how he should act. At least during the apocalypse social interactions were easy. New people knew that he was Dean's second in command and he knew that new people would probably be dead in a couple of weeks. And if they lasted longer than that? Well then he got to know them in more intimate ways. That was easy. This was...significantly harder.

Dean swooped in and saved Sam from the train wreck of a conversation Cas was bringing down on him because he was awesome like that. He clapped a hand to Cas's shoulder and pushed him towards the kitchen, "Come on. Got some stuff you can help me with."

A wave of relief went through Cas. He let Dean push him along and away from the influx of people.

Dean deposited Cas at the table then went to hunt down a couple of beers from the fridge. He took out two and offered one to Cas, "For good behaviour. Keep it up and you'll get a second one."

Cas took it gladly. It wouldn't do anything for him but it was a start. What he really needed was in the trunk of the impala.

Dean took up a station near the doorway where he could keep an eye on Cas and watch the living room for signs of anyone acting strange but mostly he watched Sam. He watched Sam talk animatedly and laugh with everyone. Sam had friends. Sam had a girlfriend and her family liked him. All those people out there thought they _knew_ Sam. He may not know about all this school stuff but he _knew_ Sam. These people didn't _know_ anything about him, nothing important at least. The longer he watched the more he felt like that dog from those commercials around Christmas. The ones that told people to bring their pets inside from the cold. All those people out there might not really know the real Sam but Sam knew them. Who did he know? Dad and Sam and a handful of cagey hunters that were just as likely to share a beer with him as they were to run him off with a shotgun. No wonder Sam wanted out of the life.

Dean startled when something cold nudged against his arm. He snapped his eyes over to find Cas standing beside him pushing a second beer at him. He looked down at the one in his hand, it was empty.

"Here." Cas pushed the cap off with his thumb and passed it over. Dean had a look on his face that Cas knew well enough. It was beginning of Dean's _my life is meaningless_ look. He wouldn't have bothered to try and distract his Dean from whatever train of thought that was eating at him this time- his Dean was stubbornly self-deprecating- but this Dean was still surprisingly malleable. Cas wondered if it was Hell or the apocalypse that had finally squashed that.

"Dude, how do you _do_ that?" Dean asked as he watched Cas open up his own beer which Dean had definitely not said he could have yet.

"Calluses and leftover angel strength." Cas said. He spread his hand wide and flexed his fingers. Using his thumb as a bottle opener was a pathetic leftover from what he used to be. "It's a cheap trick in comparison to the days when I could push fire trucks around like toys."

Dean arched his eyebrow. The scrawny hippy could push fire trucks around? Yeah right. He was about to call Cas out on his bullshit but then thought back to watching Cas toss his duffle bag around with all the guns and cash in it and the casual way he'd carry stacks of boxes full of Dad's files. ...okay so maybe Cas was _strong_ but that didn't mean he could shove a fire truck around, "Right, _maybe_ you could push around a Volkswagen Beetle."

To Dean's surprise he was drawn into a conversation about cars with Cas and Cas wasn't an asshole about it. Holy crap, he had better find Dr. Bennell because he was pretty sure Cas had been replaced by a pod person.

The night wore on. Dean drifted out to the living room a few times to talk but every time he did he felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb. It was a room full of people who were going to graduate university in the spring- Jess's parents had been to university a lifetime ago and Jess's little brother was thinking about what ones he wanted to apply to- and he was the high school drop out with a GED who didn't know anything about the finance office, student loans, and meal plans. So he retreated to the kitchen and hung out with Cas of all people, who apparently hadn't ever set foot into the education system– guess angels didn't have last names _or_ go to school.

Dean was in the middle of correcting Cas's wrong opinions on Metallica's St. Anger album when Rebecca dashed into the kitchen and grabbed the phone off the wall.

"Is Missouri two hours ahead or one? I can never remember." Rebecca asked.

"Two. It'd be about ten thirty there." Dean said because if there was one thing he was good at after a lifetime of driving across the country it was time zones. "Who're you phoning up in Missouri? Thought you said your parents were in Paris."

"My brother's still in Missouri." Rebecca said dialling the phone. "I was supposed to phone him earlier. He said he might fly out for a couple of days if he got the time off work."

"Kind of a full house here don't you think?" Dean said. It was great and all that they had figured out where to put Jess's family while they were here but if he was already being delegated to the couch he didn't know where they were putting another person.

"Him and Emily- that's his girlfriend- were talking about coming on Sunday night when Jess's family is leaving." Rebecca said tapping her foot waiting for someone to pick up on the other end. "But I was supposed to phone like three hours ago and see— Emily! Hey! ...he's not home yet? That's weird."

Dean sighed. So he was gonna be stuck on the couch even after Jess's family left. Great. He took a sip of his beer and was about to tell Cas that sure St. Anger had it's rough patches but it was _supposed_ to sound like that when Jess's little brother slipped past Rebecca trying to look casual as he snuck into the fridge.

Josh cast a glance over his shoulder and headphones then turned back to rummage around in the fridge with one hand while he held onto his laptop with the other.

Dean smirked and snuck up behind him. Maybe he had never really had to sneak beer out of the old man's fridge but he had been up to no good as a teenager before and could spot it a mile away. "We stashed it in the vegetable crisper."

Josh jumped and tried not to look like he had gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He glanced between Dean and Cas then Rebecca and the living room. "....so....it's cool if I have a beer?"

Dean glanced at the room full of responsible adults but before he could say anything Cas had leaned over and grabbed a coffee mug out of the dish rack and was motioning for Josh to give him a bottle from the fridge. Dean took another look into the living room. He tried to be one of those responsible adults in the other room. He really did. He tried for a whole twenty seconds before he sat down at the kitchen table and pulled a chair out for Josh, "Tell no one."

Josh grinned. He set his laptop down on the table and plunked down into the chair. Cas filled the coffee mug and pushed it towards him. Josh grabbed it and took a gulp. He set the mug back down, "Thanks. I don't think I can stand another twenty minutes of my mom and dad reminiscing about student housing back in the seventies, you mind if I finish watching my movie in here?"

"Sure. Go ahead." Dean waved to the laptop and went back to telling Cas that he had it all wrong about Metallica's newest album always half expecting Cas to do something to ruin the conversation.

Cas listened to Dean's sorely uniformed opinion– it wasn't Dean's fault, Metallica wouldn't make Death Magnetic for another three years– and sipped at his beer as if...as if they actually got along. It was....all very strange. This Dean had been giving him the cold shoulder all week; not that he had helped the matter any. Now Dean was arguing with him about music. He wasn't sure if he liked this or not. On the one hand it reminded him of his Dean, on the other hand _it reminded him of **his** Dean_. He frowned at his beer. He wasn't drinking enough to have an existential debate with himself about— his chest tightened as a familiar trio of sounds emitted from Josh's laptop: gunfire, panicked screaming, and harsh inhuman sounding howls and snarls being forced out of human throats. His heart started to hammer, "Turn it off."

Josh glanced over then looked down at his laptop. He messed around with the track pad and turned the volume down.

"I said turn it _off_." Cas said. It wasn't that he had never thought he'd hear those sounds again, he was sure he'd screw everything up and get dragged back into Hell on earth, but he hadn't expected to hear them now and in this place.

"There is _no way_ you can hear this. The volume is at _four_." Josh protested.

Cas reached over and slammed the laptop closed. " **Off**."

" _Hey_." Josh said.

Cas pushed away from the table abruptly making Rebecca jump as she hung up the phone. Cas strode out of the room. He spotted the back door and made for it. He couldn't be surrounded by people after that. People that would probably die gruesome deaths when it finally happened because he couldn't stop it.

"What's his problem?" Josh asked. He opened his laptop up and checked to see if anything was broken.

"...dunno." Dean said. He was genuinely at a loss. Cas did a lot of weird things for no goddamned reason- or just to make his life harder- but that had been weird even for Cas. Maybe his luck had run out and Cas was going back to being an asshole? Dean jut his chin towards the laptop, "What were you watching?"

"Twenty eight days later." Josh said.

Dean frowned. Did Cas just hate Danny Boyle movies? (Come on Cas, everyone likes Trainspotting). He got up and headed after Cas. When he stepped into the living room Sam nodded towards the back door and gave a half shrug. Dean shook his head. He didn't know what had Cas flipped out this time but the short trip across the living room was making him piece together some stuff Cas had said about how the apocalypse went down. He found Cas sitting on the back step getting high. He stood there a moment debating on what to do. He heaved out a sigh and sat down a step up from Cas.

Cas passed the joint up wordlessly.

Dean was about to refuse, he was already a little buzzed from all the beer, but then....oh what the hell, why not? It wasn't like he was the life of the party right now. He took a few drags then handed it back to Cas.

Cas sucked back on the joint, his hands trembling. He hadn't realized how complacent he had become these last few weeks. The croats weren't going to get him because it wasn't time yet but just hearing something similar....His whole body shook. What the fuck was wrong with him? That was his life less than two months ago. A bit of snarling and gunfire shouldn't have him this worked up.

Dean watched one tremor after another go through Cas. Okay, so the guy was a giant asshole a lot of the time but obviously the apocalypse had done a number on him if a zombie movie that broke all the rules about zombies had him shaking in his boots. "So...."

"I didn't come out here to talk about my problems. I came out here to get high." Cas snapped. He was _still_ shaking. Why the fuck was he still shaking?

Dean set a hand on Cas's shoulder, "Dude, it was just—"

" ** _Don't_** _touch me."_ Cas snarled. He jerked out from under Dean's hand. _It wasn't his Dean_. His Dean wouldn't have even bothered to come track him down these days. Why the hell had this one done it? What the fuck did this Dean think he could ever possibly do to help?

Dean yanked his hand away. Cas scowled at him as the light over the door flickered. Dean put his hands up in defence, "Whoa. Okay."

Cas tugged at the sides of his coat trying to wrap himself up in it. It was the closest he could get to his Dean and wasn't that just pathetic that he still wanted Dean to come and chase his troubles away after everything Dean had done? He smoked in silence until the shaking stopped and his heart wasn't trying to escape his chest. He took a long drag and blew the smoke out in a ring. He watched it fade away, "....what movie was that?"

"Twenty eight days later." Dean said. He had been debating with himself for the last ten minutes about whether he should just go back in- it was actually kinda cold out- or if he should stick around and make sure Cas didn't do anything...drastic.

Cas snorted with forced amusement. He had picked that movie up once unknowingly with a bunch of other movies for the camp's ever so ritzy weekly [movie night](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6169430). Dean had vetoed it as soon as he saw the cover. "You always did say that movie hit too close to home."

Dean eyebrows furrowed. 28 Days Later hit too close to home? It was kinda in line with what Cas had mentioned on and off about this bloody future they were supposedly staring down but that seemed a bit extreme.

"Do you have your keys?" Cas asked staring off into the dark backyard.

Dean looked at him suspiciously. "I'm not letting you into the trunk for more booze."

"I don't want to drink." Cas said. He stuffed his hand into his pocket and squeezed the ring and amulet hidden away there.

Dean arched an eyebrow. _Yeah right._ Cas didn't want to get loaded? Next Cas was gonna tell him he didn't want to get high either.

Cas rolled his eyes at the silence behind him. He turned around to look at Dean, "Alright, I _do_ but that's not why I want the keys. I just want to...I feel....safer...in the car..." Cas sighed. If wanting Dean to sooth his troubles was pathetic this was even more so, "It's home."

Dean studied Cas carefully. Cas looked kinda messed up still from his...flashback? Panic attack? Whatever the hell that had been. Did he really want to leave him alone in his car? ....Cas would probably end up sleeping out there again which meant he'd get a bed, plus it meant Cas wouldn't go back inside and freak everyone out.

Cas was surprised when Dean started to dig through his pockets and pulled out the keys. He tossed them over. Cas caught them, "Thanks."

"No midnight joy rides." Dean said sternly. "And don't raid the trunk. Just sit quietly and...I dunno, twiddled your thumbs or something."

"What?" Cas asked trying to cover up his relief with sarcasm, "Not going to join me? We could go for a different kind of joy ride."

Dean rolled his eyes so hard his head went back with them, "Shoulda known you'd go back to being an ass as soon as I was nice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMBD tells us that the random friend from the party during the first episode is named "Luis".
> 
> Zach Warren's girlfriend is apparently named Emily. It took awhile for me to dig that up. Also, I took some liberties with Rebecca Warren's "stayed for the long weekend" to mean "stayed for the thanksgiving break". If you watch the episode "Skin" I think you'll figure out where I'm going with all this.
> 
> References  
> The title is a reference from Angel (1999) about who doesn't have last names.  
> Rodger Moore - Dean is making a more on the vague side of things reference to James Bond. Roger Moore played James Bond from 1973 to 1985.  
> "Sheer magnetism, darling" - Cas is quoting Live and Let Die (1973).  
> Cas sings a few lines from Cher's The Man That Got Away. Of course he sings that, right?  
> Dr. Bennell - The Body Snatchers (novel) or Invasion of the Body Snatchers (movie either 1956 or 1978) I figure Dean probably read the book and saw the movies. Though in the 1978 version Bennell is a health inspector instead of a doctor.  
> Danny Boyle directed 28 Days Later just in case you were wondering why Dean would bring that up.


	12. There's always that one person at family dinners.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean looked over to the kitchen where Jess and her dad were taking over and moving around with the easy fluidity of family....and how Sam fit in, getting pots and cutting boards out. Dean's face sank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last update before I go on a brief hiatus until the end of December. We shall see. I do have the next update almost done and about 1 1/2 days free this week so _maybe_ we get one more update in there.

Sam crept down the stairs. He rarely slept in after a childhood of waking up early to either dodge motel bills or get out before they were charged for another day. He started up the kettle to make coffee. All they had was instant; none of Jess's old roommates were coffee drinkers. While the water boiled he counted the empty beer bottles on the kitchen table. He hoped most of them were Cas's otherwise he was going to have to have a talk with Dean about how much he was drinking around Jess's family (Cas was a lost cause).

He spooned in a scoop of instant coffee into his mug and poured the water in. He shuffled out to the living room and sat down on the couch. He flicked the tv on and settled in like he had all those times before when he had spent the night here, before hunting had crashed back into his life.

He was half way through an episode of some ridiculous medical drama when Dean ambled out of Steph's bedroom. His eyes flicked back to the tv then quickly snapped back to Dean to do a double take. _Dean was coming out of **Steph's room**._ The room Cas was sleeping in. Sam looked at the couch he was sitting on. There were no blankets. Dean hadn't slept on the couch....holy crap. Had Dean actually..... _had Dean slept in there_.... ** _with Cas?_** Was all that stuff Cas said about Dean **_true_** _?_

"Mornin' Sam." Dean yawned as he sauntered past to the kitchen. Coffee was the first four things on his _to do_ list this morning.

Sam turned the tv off and scrambled off the couch. He tried to look casual when he walked into the kitchen. "So....sleep well last night?"

Dean shrugged and stared at the kettle while it boiled, "Coulda been better."

"Oh?" Sam said being the epitome of causal and not at all trying to suppress the urge to blurt out, _you slept with Cas!?_

"Think I'm allergic to the detergent or something." Dean said scratching at his side. He glanced over at Sam being weird and fidgety. He shook his head- he'd care about what had Sam acting weird after coffee- and went back to staring at the kettle.

"You didn't...I dunno, find the bed _too_ _small?"_ Sam suggested. That was casual still right?

"No. 'mmm not 'gigantor like you." Dean murmured through a yawn. He stared blankly at the kettle for a few more moments before he realized Sam was staring at him trying to hide a shit eating grin. "What?"

Sam jerked his head towards Steph's room and shrugged.

Dean groaned and rolled his eyes. This again? It was too early to deal with this again....and Sam was supposed to be on _his_ side. " **No**. _You_ wanted to keep him. _I_ wanted to send him to Alaska."

"Oh....so....you didn't....?" Sam trailed off and did another half shrug that was supposed to mean _have crazy wild sex with Cas in the room below him last night._

Dean understood the shrug. He understood it all too well. He pulled his face into a look of annoyance- _extreme_ annoyance. "No I didn't suddenly turn gay last night."

"Oh." Sam said careful to sound neutral about it.

"Oh _nothing_." Dean growled. He didn't need this from Cas _and_ Sam. "Dude, I'm not lying to myself when I say I like women. _A lot_. Frequently. So just drop it, okay? It's too fucking early for this bullshit."

"You just seemed...." Sam searched for something to say other than _hitting it off_ because that sounded a lot like _hitting on_ and he didn't think Dean would appreciate the difference this early in the morning. "Like you were getting along well with Cas last night." He was also careful to avoid saying _and you mysteriously disappeared with him for a few hours._

Dean rolled his eyes. So they were defining wanting to screw around with someone as not screaming at each other? He huffed in derision, "Yeah, and I was getting along well with Jess and her mom too, maybe I should see if they want to take a spin in the car and park somewhere with a view."

Sam wrinkled his nose, "You don't have to be a dick about it."

"Yes I do. I haven't had my caffeine fix for the day and you bought _half-caff."_ Dean frowned at the jar in his hand. "I'm not letting you do any more grocery shopping or make any more important decisions. _Who_ _buys half-caff?_ Soccer moms and grandmas, that's who."

Sam ignored Dean's crappy attempt at changing the subject. Maybe they hadn't slept together but that did leave an important question, "So where _is_ Cas?"

"Slept in the ca- caaa- ca-" Dean fought off a yawn. It was a losing battle. He let it out before continuing, "In the car again. Josh's movie freaked him out."

"Josh's movie?" Sam asked surprised. What had Josh brought that would freak Cas out? Cas had been watching tv right alongside them for a month, everything from space horror to murder mysterious; no chick flick stuff as per Dean's rules (though Dean was crap at following his own rules).

"Twenty eight days later." Dean said. He stared down into the bottom of the cup and wondered if he put in twice the amount of coffee it would balance out the half-caff. He added a few more scoops. "Said it hit too close to home."

Sam's face went blank while he thought over the implications of that sentence. It was a ridiculous movie as far as accurately depicting zombies but then....had Cas ever said the apocalypse came with zombies? Did that Croatoan virus that Cas occasionally talked about make some kind of new super monster? If that was what the future....his eyes flicked upwards to where Jess was sleeping. Was that what their future would be? "That's....unsettling....and disturbing."

"Yeah, big gay fast zombie apocalypse. Great future to look forward to." Dean poured water into the mug watching it swirl and turn brown. Fuck. _Really?_ **Half-caff?** Who buys half-caff? Who thought making half-caff was a _good_ idea in the history of inventions? "....I bet you Cas wouldn't buy half-caff."

Sam snorted out a laugh, "Cas would probably be drinking Bailey's with a splash of coffee."

Despite not wanting to- nothing about Cas was funny- Dean let out a chuckle. He was saved having to continue the Cas and the apocalypse conversation when Sam started nattering on about how much he had drank in front of Jess's family. It wasn't like he had been sloppy and drunk in front of them. He had barely had a buzz. He plunked down at the kitchen table and let Sam give his lecture.

When Sam was into his fifteenth minute about drinking too much and how he should cut back or he'd turn into Dad (what was wrong with that?) Dean interrupted him. "So what's this whole LSAT deal? Everyone was losing it over it last night."

Sam's lips pressed into a thin line. Dean was trying to change the subject again and he had chosen _that?_ "It's nothing."

"Didn't sound like nothing to everyone else." Dean said.

Sam shrugged, "It's just another test _Dad_ would call a waste of time."

Dean flinched at the way Sam said Dad and was surprised when Sam suddenly pushed away from the table and muttered about needing to shower and get dressed. What the hell was that about? He shrugged it off and went out to the living room. He had to give Jess's roommates credit, they had a good couch. He would know. He had been on a lot of them (with women, right?).

Rebecca was the next to come downstairs. She didn't seem upset about the lack of real coffee. She bustled around in the kitchen for a few minutes before coming out in the living room with a bowl of cereal. She sat down on the couch on the opposite side from Dean.

Dean contemplated his coffee for a couple more seconds before turning to Rebecca. "Hey Bec, what's the LSAT?"

Rebecca looked over surprised, ".....you ever see Legally Blonde?"

"...maybe...Reese Witherspoon is hot, okay?" Dean said defensively. Honestly he had barely even registered the rest of the movie.

"Well the test Elle Woods takes? That's the test Sam took." Rebecca said.

"Huh." Dean thought it over. So Sam had done pretty damn well on it...well Sam _was_ a huge nerd. Still _Elle_ had gotten 179. He smirked to himself. Sam must have gone chasing after the frat boys with the keg.

Rebecca picked up the tv remote from the couch and turned the tv on. She tossed the remote back down to the couch and hunched over her bowl of cereal as a man in cowboy boots and scrubs waltzed across the screen.

"What the hell is this?" Dean asked glancing up at the tv.

"Dr. Sexy, M.D." Rebecca said leaning forward when a nurse accosted the man in cowboy boots in the hall, "There's a marathon on today to catch everyone up before the Thanksgiving special next weekend."

\---

Sam came back downstairs half an hour later and was greeted with the bizarre sight of Jess, Jackie, Rebecca, _and Dean_ all sitting on the couch watching the tv raptly. There was a shocked gasped from the tv. The four of them leaned forward, eyes going wide. Sam chuckled. "What's happening?"

"Mikhaila's going to cheat on Dr. Sexy with Blake." Jackie said seriously.

" _Blake_." Rebecca said disgusted. "I _still_ can't believe she does that. After everything Dr. Sexy did for her."

"Yeah, what a bitch. I mean _come on_ , I've only seen like ten minutes of this guy and even I can tell Blake's an asshole." Dean added.

"It gets worse." Jackie commented, "Blake cheats on her with Candace in a few more episodes."

"Aw, no." Dean said, "They're practically sisters. _That's low."_

"It's worse in the books because they _are_ sisters." Rebecca said. Then added scornfully, "It got changed because some idiot network executive didn't think two women from the same family could be doctors."

"There are books?" Dean asked seriously.

"Yeah, Dressed to Heal." Rebecca pointed towards a bookshelf. "I've got them all but the last one. I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback before I buy it."

Sam headed for the kitchen when the discussion turned to the books. He was looking for his phone. He had put it down _somewhere_ last night. The question was where was that somewhere?

"You think it's bad now? Just wait until Kimi breaks her arm." Jim whispered as Sam passed him by on the way to the kitchen.

Sam let out a mock wounded noise, spotting his phone on the kitchen counter as he did.

Jim laughed and smiled then stepped into the living room. "Hey, Jess. Turkey's don't clean themselves, well except for you."

Jess tore herself away from the tv. She had never really been into Dr. Sexy, M.D. before. Her mom watched it. She knew Rebecca watched it and had all the books but she hadn't realized how badly it sucked you in....and Dr. Sexy _was_ pretty sexy. She made her way into the kitchen trying her best to turn her head around and catch a last glimpse of the screen.

She was manhandling the turkey out of the fridge and into the sink a few moments later. It was Moore family tradition that her and her dad made Thanksgiving dinner instead of letting her mom and her brother turn the kitchen into a disaster zone.

"Can we trust anyone else with cutting vegetables?" Jim asked seriously.

"Rebecca's a pro." Jess said. She started tugging at the garbage bag around the turkey, "We both know Sam chops vegetables into monst— huge chunks and I think Dean might melt if he comes into contact with a vegetable."

Jim leaned back into the living room to pressgang Rebecca into kitchen duty.

Dean looked over to the kitchen where Jess and her dad were taking over and moving around with the easy fluidity of family....and how Sam fit in, getting pots and cutting boards out. Dean's face sank. He had a few vague memories of Mom putting together Thanksgiving dinner for two. He frowned. That had been the Thanksgiving Mom was pregnant with Sam. .....where had Dad been? His eyebrows came together as he tried to piece it together. Had Mom and Dad still been fighting then?

Jess bumped into Sam when he stopped abruptly to stare at his phone sternly. She didn't know if she liked that look.

"Bad news?" Jim asked.

"No..." Sam re-read the email. He had checked his email around noon yesterday and then had forgotten about his phone. He re-read the email again. It was still telling him the same thing, "No....it's....it's....good news actually."

Jess almost laughed. Good news? They didn't get good news anymore.

"Well don't hog it all to yourself then. What is it?" Jim prompted.

"I..." Sam read the email again just to make sure he hadn't misunderstood anything. "I....I got it. I got the scholarship."

It took Jess's brain a full minute to processes the information. Sam had got the scholarship. That had been their combined focal point for weeks before— everything had happened. Sam didn't have family to ask for help financially. Sam couldn't even get loans because his family wasn't around to co-sign on them. _But Sam had gotten the scholarship._ She made an embarrassing noise and wrapped Sam up in a hug full of turkey innards. Maybe they were still going through a rocky patch but this was great news!

"What's going on?" Jackie called out from the couch.

"Sam got the scholarship!" Jess called back.

Dean watched as Jess and her family and Rebecca surrounded Sam. Scholarship? ....that was what that interview had been for last month, right? He watched Jim slap Sam on the back and Jackie give him a hug— someone else's family beaming proudly at Sam. Sam soaked it up. Dean scowled. Who cared about a scholarship? Cas had a couple million in a storage locker that he had been trying to give away all week. It wasn't like Sam needed a scholarship when he had a tripped out hippy practically throwing money at him. ...and where the hell was Cas anyway? The scrawny bastard still had his car keys.

Dean got up and went to put his boots on. He cast another glance over his shoulder when he pulled his jacket on. Everyone was still hugging it out in the kitchen. Chick flick moments. Ugh. He stepped out the front door thinking he'd wake Cas up and stick him with civilian guard duty while he went out and got some real coffee.

But Cas wasn't in the car. Dean looked around, "Where the fuck did you go?"

A familiar smell hit Dean's nose. He followed the smell around to the back of the house. He was really going to have to tell Cas to lay off the pot. The cops were going to show up.

He found Cas sitting on the back step smoking up. Dean stuck out his hand, "Car keys. You're on guard duty."

Cas blew a trail of smoke off to the side, "Coffee right?"

Dean arched an eyebrow at him, "...yeah..."

Cas had noticed the highly unfortunate choice in coffee Sam and Jess had made yesterday. He stuck the joint between his lips and reached around behind himself to pick up a cardboard coffee tray. He picked up one of the extra large coffees- they were all how Dean liked it- and passed it over to Dean, "I noticed the poor choices being made yesterday. It's probably lukewarm by now but it's better than what they bought."

Dean eyed the cup suspiciously as he took it. "Do anything to it?"

"No." Cas said. He shrugged when Dean didn't immediately drink it. He could offer to drink some as proof that it wasn't poisoned but Dean had been around him long enough to know that he rather enjoyed most poisons. "Don't drink it if you don't want. There's plenty of half-caff inside."

Dean caved at the mention of half-caff. He figured he could trust Cas to pick out highly caffeinated coffee, the dude loved his chemicals after all. "You better not have done anything funny to it."

"I dunno if I can promise that. I'm a very humorous person." Cas said smirking.

Against his better judgement Dean leaned against the railing of the back step and took a sip of coffee. Cas was right. It was lukewarm but it was still worlds better than the half-caff. He let out a soft groan. Real coffee.

"Oh. Well. Usually I have to do more than that to make you groan." Cas said slyly. He grinned when Dean shot an angry glare at him. He held out the joint, "Want to suck on something of mine while you're at it?"

"Knock it off." Dean growled.

Cas chuckled and leaned back on the step stretching out. An amicable silence settled over them. Well, Cas was going to call it amicable. He couldn't go back in there with all those people running around just yet and Dean looked like he was having a similar issue. So they were sitting and standing respectively being alone together. It was just like old times. It was _almost_ nice. Of course it couldn't last.

Sam opened the back door and stuck his head out looking for Dean. Dean had just disappeared without a word. He wrinkled his nose at the smoke that wafted towards him. The pot Dean had picked up for Cas this time was incredibly skunky. He glowered down at Dean. Dean had taken off to get baked. Wonderful. "That's great. Sneak out to go get high."

Dean scowled up at Sam, "I didn't sneak out. I took my time and left to get coffee. Surprised you even noticed. You looked pretty busy."

Sam slipped out the door and closed it behind him. What the hell was Dean's problem? "What's the supposed to mean?"

"What do you _think_ it means? You're busy in there with _Jess's_ _family_ talking about _scholarships_." Dean paused to snatch up one of the other extra large coffees. "When we should be busy looking for _our_ _family._ For **Dad**. Or did you just forget he's missing?"

"That's what this is about?" Sam asked. Was Dean seriously jealous about Jess's family treating him like a normal person while Dad was off doing god knows what? "I work for something nice and normal and you're mad I'm not throwing it away to go look for Dad? _He's_ the one that said stay gone. And I told you Dean. I'm out. We find this demon after Jess and _I'm **out**. _ I'm not coming with you to look for Dad. Cas said Dad's fine and that he'll turn up eventually just like he always does."

Dean clenched his jaw. Sam glared back.

Cas pulled the hood of his sweater up and hunkered into his jacket. He could count down to the argument. Three, two, one....

"You can't just be _normal_. You're a hunter. You can't just be **out**." Dean said. He could feel his grip tighten around the coffee cup. He set it down before he crunched it in his fist. "This life? It doesn't just let you _go_ and you can't seriously mean it that you're not gonna keep looking for Dad once we get the demon after Jess."

"Yes. I can Dean. I was out before and I'm going to be out again. I'm not a hunter anymore." Sam said adamantly. How was Dean this brainwashed by Dad that he couldn't see what the cost of being a hunter really was? "I like normal. I want normal. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in moldy hotel rooms until some werewolf gets lucky and eats me by the time I'm forty."

"Oh, that's nice." Dean said sarcastically, "Just turn your back on your family because you can't handle a werewolf or two."

Sam rolled his eyes. There was no point in talking to Dean when he got like this. He'd just drop Dad's lines about saving people and being a family but it was funny how Dad was never around to save his own family. He grabbed the doorknob and yanked the door open, "Don't come back in stinking like a bunch of high schoolers that hang out under the bleachers. Air yourselves out first."

Cas flinched when the door banged shut. Today had started off so well too. He tugged at the sides of his jacket and stared down at the forgotten joint in his hand. He scratched at a mystery stain on his jeans, "....My Dean....future you....he doesn't– didn't want Sam to hunt. Why else do you think the first thing on the list was make sure Sam got to that interview?"

Dean felt his face heat up in anger, "Fuck off Cas. Who asked you?"

"No one." Cas said. He took a drag on the joint and let the smoke trail out of his mouth a few seconds after, "But family gets to give unsolicited opinions."

"You're not family." Dean snapped. He yanked himself away from the railing and started stomping towards the car. He gave an angry snort when he realized Cas still had the car keys. Well fuck it. He wasn't going to go back there and ask sexual harassment hippy for the keys. He'd just fucking walk to— wherever the fuck it was he was going.

Cas snuffed out the joint, giving up when he realized he was shaking too hard and breathing too erratically to do anything with it. He scrubbed his hands over his face a few times before leaning his head down and sliding his fingers into his hair.

"Fuck." A tremor ran through Cas as Dean's words echoed through him. What had he expected saying that? He knew Dean was pissed about people encroaching on his family. He should have known better. He was going to feel like shit for the rest of the day and it was [entirely his own fault](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6170261)....even if he did want to blame it on Dean. He grabbed the half drank coffee Dean had put down and took a sip. Another tremor went through him. Fuck, maybe he would blame it on Dean anyway. He looked down at the coffee cup as it shook in his hand, "It would feel a lot better than feeling like this." 

\---

"Zach said they'd probably get in around eight thirty, nine." Rebecca said as she chopped carrots.

"Shoot. We're going to miss meeting his better half." Jim said while stuffing the bird. "I need faces to go with names if I'm going to live vicariously through you kids."

"If you would just join the internet age and get an email like mom I could send pictures." Jess said. It was an uphill battle to get her father to join the modern age.

"Witchcraft." Jim said.

Normally Jess would have laughed but she had been using witchcraft to protect herself for a month.....which was actually completely absurd. She laughed anyway for all the wrong reasons. She laughed right up until she saw Sam stalk into the living room looking thoroughly pissed. She slipped out of the kitchen and shepherded Sam away from her family and Rebecca, "What's up? Nothing... _you know?"_

"No." Sam glared at the back door. "Dean's just being.... _Dean_."

"Oh." Jess didn't need more of an explanation. Since Dean had popped up in their lives Sam had been a bit more forth coming about his brother. She had gotten an ear full more than once about how Dean could be _Dean_.

"He's just so..." Sam made an aggravated noise. He couldn't think of an adjective that encompassed just what Dean was. "Never mind. Is there anything else that needs to be done for dinner?"

"You can start cutting apples for pie if you really want." Jess said.

Sam glowered at the mention of _pie_.

"Or not." Jess said seeing that look. "Why don't you help Becky cut vegetables instead?"

Sam stalked into the kitchen like an angry cat. Jess watched him go. She let her head fall back and sent up a silent prayer. All she wanted to do was get through Thanksgiving dinner without her family being scared to death by demons or by whatever Winchester family drama that was going on. Was that too much to ask?

It was apparently. Demons didn't show up to dinner but Dean and Cas did which Jess thought was probably almost as bad and it didn't help at all that Sam kept shooting daggers at the two of them every time Cas said something to rile Dean up.

They had made sure to make Cas sit as far from Dean as was possible. Sam sat beside Cas hoping that maybe he could keep him under control better if he sat beside him and got Jess to sit beside Dean. Sam hoped having two people between them would make Cas cut it out. It didn't work. Cas happily taunted Dean from the other end of the table.

Dean scowled as his face heated up at Cas's commentary about why he should be eating more roughage. That was fucking it. He didn't know what the hell Cas's fucking problem was _today_ but he wasn't going to sit and take it anymore in front of everyone else. He grabbed his plate and retreated— tactically advanced in a backward direction to the kitchen. Fuck Cas— wait no. No one was going to be doing any fucking because he wasn't into that. Cas could go to hell or the apocalypse or whatever the hell it was Cas was more afraid of.

To Sam's horror Cas moved like he was going to get up and follow Dean into the kitchen. At this rate he was starting to think trying to explain demons to Jess's family might be preferable to trying to explain Cas. He snaked his hand out and grabbed Cas's wrist under the table. He leaned in and **strongly** _suggested_ that maybe Cas wanted to go outside or hang out in the car again. Cas narrowed his eyes at him for a moment but he shoved away from the table eventually and skulked out the front door.

The tension in the room dropped five degrees as soon as the door closed. Now all Sam had to deal with tonight was an edgy Dean. Great. He gave Jess a few plaintive looks and whispered sorry under his breath. Most of this train wreck of a Thanksgiving dinner was Cas's fault but it was basically par for the course of what he expected for any family gathering when Winchesters were involved.

\---

Despite the whopping dose of embarrassment for all those who had been witness to Cas's frankly impressive ability to not give a fuck about what he said in front of people Jess found herself being escorted out to the impala by Sam (demons didn't take the weekend off) with a plate full of food and a head full of choice words for Cas at 10:30 at night. Cas was sitting in the passenger seat. She went around and got in on the driver's side. She offered the plate to Cas. He didn't take it. She set it on the dashboard.

She tapped her fingers along the steering wheel, "You should probably eat something. I haven't seen you eat anything in two days except beer and beer doesn't count."

Cas shifted in the seat and pointedly ignored Jess. He didn't want someone else around while he stewed over how much of an ass Dean was. He wasn't family? He was the only person that put up with Dean's bullshit until the very end and was willing to put up with it a second time.

The silence stretched on. Jess was of two minds. On one hand she really didn't want to get dragged into whatever bizarre problem Cas had with Dean but on the other hand Cas had been thoroughly embarrassing tonight and she kind of wanted to lace into him for making _everyone_ uncomfortable.

When Jess didn't leave after a solid ten minutes of being ignored Cas took a cautious glance at the plate. It was a meal he had only ever really seen in movies and tv shows. He must have seen it at some point as a _real_ angel but it was the memories from when he had turned mortal that the meal pulled up. He let out an angry huff. He didn't need people trying to feed him.

"....you know, I stuck up for you." Jess said quietly.

Cas turned and gave her a confused look. She had stuck up for him? Sam had kicked him out of her ridiculous family dinner he hadn't wanted to sit through anyway, _especially_ if Dean was there (they weren't family after all), and she hadn't said a word.

"That first week, I told Dean to cut it out with the stupid afraid of catching the gay bull crap he's got going on and try to at least be a friend for you." Jess said. Okay so she was going to get mixed up in whatever bizarre problem Cas had with Dean. She wrapped her fingers around the steering wheel in front of her and ploughed on. She might as well, she had already shoved her foot this far into her mouth, "Because I thought, you know this from the future stuff is probably crazy but crazy or not it still hurts when someone you love stomps on your heart and you had boot prints all over you."

Cas stayed silent. He didn't particularly want to have this conversation so if Jess insisted on having it she was going to have to carry it on her own.

"I don't know what you and Timescape Dean had but whatever it was there were clearly problems." Jess said. Problems was an understatement. The word she was looking for was probably something closer to complete and utter disaster. "And if it's all true about you and Dean, well all you're doing when you pick on him like you did tonight is making sure you'll end up stuck in the same abusive relationship."

Cas scowled at the word abusive. "It wasn't abusive."

"Fine." Jess said sarcastically, "Exceedingly unhealthy to a degree that there'd be a Jennifer Lopez movie about it."

"What's your point?" Cas snapped. He glared at her. Why was Jess even here? People didn't come after him when he screwed something up. And besides, who was she to say anything about him and Dean?

"My _point_. Is that maybe you should cut your _own_ bull crap out if you don't want to end up alone." Jess snapped back. Cas turned away to stare blankly ahead through the windshield. Jess made an exasperated noise and got out of the car. When they had first met she had thought _Sam_ was bad for burying his emotions. Sam had _nothing_ on Cas.

Cas stared at the front door as it closed. Jess and Sam were watching out for Dean. Dean had other people. Dean didn't need him. Jess was right. [He was going to end up alone](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6170393). He wasn't the only thing Dean had left here. Dean had options. What did he have? A Dean that probably hated him. Cas let his head fall back to the seat. "God, I fucked this up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References  
> Thank TV Tropes for the name of the Dr. Sexy, M.D. book series title. I saw Dressed to Heal and had to have it.  
> Dean is vaguely referencing The Monkey Wrench Gang when he comments: the dude loved his chemicals after all.  
> Timescape (1992) It's a time travel movie.  
> The Jennifer Lopez movie Jess is referring to is Enough (2002).


	13. Horror Movie Survivors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas hadn't realized until _right that second_ that he was not actually bitterly resigned to living through the apocalypse a second time. He was, in fact, _terrified_ at the prospect of living through it all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may disagree with me on a certain aspect here.

Dean couldn't goddamned believe it, Cas had continued his stint as reigning asshole all fucking day and here he was buying goddamned weed for him. _Again_. He handed over the cash. He was tossed a baggy stuffed full. He held it up and narrowed his eyes at it. Sure he was buying it for Cas but fuck, this wasn't his first rodeo. "This is looking kinda dry."

The dealer- who unironically went by Ace while living out of his mom's basement- shrugged at Dean, "You wanted cheap. Stick some bread in it. It'll be fine. 'sides, some people like it dry."

Dean wrinkled his nose at the bag but stuffed it into his jacket pocket. Whatever, it wasn't like it was his problem. Cas could deal with it.

"Hey, you want some three eighty seven?" Ace asked.

What the fuck was three eighty seven? Dean shrugged, "Huh?"

"Vics?" Ace tried instead.

"Vikes?" Dean guessed. Dear god he hated buying drugs in California. If this thing with Jess took much longer he was going to have to shop around for a _good_ dealer and not a cheap one.

Ace reached under the table and started rummaging around. He pulled out a non-descript jar and opened it. He dashed out a couple of pills into his hand.

Dean was right: Vicodin. Dean was about to say no but.....it _would_ be a good way to shut Cas up and get him off his case for ten damn minutes. "How much?"

"Seven." Ace said dropping the pills in his hand back into the bottle.

" _What?_ Seven for fives? Jesus, that's highway robbery." Dean said offended at the very idea. It wasn't even a dollar per mg. Who knew inflation would hit the drug market too?

Ace shrugged again.

Dean pursed his lips. It wasn't like it was his money (when was it ever his money?) that he was buying overpriced Vicodin with but still seven dollars per pill was _outrageous_. He talked Ace down to five dollars per pill and bought the whole damn bottle because he had seen Cas's tolerance levels and they were disgustingly impressive.

Outside in the impala he tossed two pills down his own gullet because he freakin' _deserved_ it after putting up with Cas the last twenty four hours. He started the car up and headed back to Rebecca's place. It wasn't a long drive but by the last two minutes of it he could feel his limbs loosening up.

He pulled into the driveway and was glad to see the rental car gone. Good. The less people he had to deal with the better. Jess's family had just complicated things and the shit Cas had been saying in front of them....Fuck. Who said that sort of stuff around... _civilized_ company? That shit wasn't even okay around hunter company.

He went in. Sam and Jess, and Rebecca were sitting on the couch watching some made for tv Thanksgiving movie. At least they weren't all discussing consumerism and Black Friday again– or scholarships.

"Jess's family left." Sam said.

"Yeah, figured that." Dean said. He glanced around the room then gave Sam an enquiring shrug.

"Back step." Sam said understanding what Dean meant.

Dean nodded and headed for the back door. He found Cas casually drinking a bottle of whiskey like it was beer. He dug the pot out of his pocket and tossed it at Cas's chest.

Cas snorted at him and didn't say a word. He didn't have any words for Dean Winchester. He had tried to make amends this morning but Dean had said—He took a sip of whiskey. Dean had said things. So he had said things. And now they weren't saying things. It had been a rather contumelious and vituperative morning.

Dean took a step closer and dropped the bottle of Vicodin into Cas's lap, "Don't OD."

Before Cas could say anything Dean slipped back inside. He liked this kind of interaction with Cas. Fast and near silent and most importantly, **_over_**. The only thing better would be non-existent. He shucked his shoes off by the back door and dropped his jacket on the back of a chair. He made his way over to the bookshelf in the living room and grabbed the first book in that series Rebecca had talked about yesterday, Dressed to Heal. Not that he actually _liked_ that ridiculous soap opera, it was either that or some cheesy Harlequin novel. He flopped down in one of the armchairs and settled in to read, relax, and enjoy the Vicodin buzz.

\---

Dean came to consciousness in the that slow groggy way falling asleep awkwardly in a chair with a book jammed under his chin after taking a couple Vicodin tended to have. He could hear Sam and Jess, and Rebecca in the kitchen. He could smell something cooking. Fuck. How long had he slept for? He cracked an eye open intent on checking his watch but let out a yelp when he realized someone was looming over him in the dark living room.

Dean thrashed in the chair, sending the book to the floor, as he scrambled to get up, "Jesus fucking christ!"

A dry laugh escaped Cas. He hadn't meant to startle Dean like that but seeing him flustered was always entertaining. Dean collapsed back into the chair when he realized it was only little old Cas watching over him. Cas chuckled at the angelic habit.

"Don't fucking _do_ that." Dean said hotly. He scooped up the book he had been reading off the floor- Blake was an even bigger asshole in the books- and shot daggers at Cas. " _What?"_

"Keys." Cas said sticking his hand out. He had taken a third of the pills in the bottle Dean had given him about half an hour ago and now he had every intention on spending the rest of the night in the car killing the battery while listening to Dean's tapes and enjoying the warm fuzzies that Vicodin so generously provided.

Dean snorted and gave a single sarcastic laugh. "No."

Cas narrowed his eyes at him. What did Dean mean, _No?_

"You lost your car privileges with all your-" Dean motioned to the table where that dinner fiasco had gone down, "-last night." Dean said. Cas gave him a ridiculous squinty eyed stare. Dean shot back with a gloating smile. He was starting to get a handle on how to deal with Cas. Faith, suits, ties, and the impala. If Cas wanted to keep being a dick well, no more car privileges. "What? You never heard the saying, if you can't say anything nice better to say nothing at all?"

Cas huffed in annoyance. Dean was going to ruin a perfectly good high. He glanced around the room until he spotted Dean's jacket. Really he should have just found the keys on his own in the first place since he didn't want to talk to Dean anyway....alright maybe he _did_ want to talk to Dean....or maybe the Vicodin wanted to talk to Dean. He let out a breathy laugh and made his way over to Dean's jacket, ignoring the mild dizzy feeling and relishing the warmth that was spreading through his limbs.

"Hey! I told you no!" Dean said rolling off the chair and marching across the room. He made a grab for the keys when Cas found them in his pocket. Cas danced out of his reach grinning. Dean chased after him. _Fuck, he was **not** playing keep away with the stoner hippy. _ He pulled up short and glared at Cas, "If you know what's good for you, you'll drop the keys right the fuck now."

"I just took a third of that bottle of Vicodin." Cas laughed, "Does that _sound_ like I know what's good for me?" He shook his head at his own terrible attempt at wit and headed for the door.

"Fucking asshole hippy." Dean growled under his breath. Why the hell did he think Vicodin would shut Cas up? Short of a fucking drug induced coma Cas would probably never give him two fucking minutes of silence. He grabbed his jacket and jammed his feet into his shoes.

Sam poked his head into the living room just in time to see Cas dart out the door and Dean storm after him. What _now?_

"Double trouble again?" Rebecca asked.

"Yeah. I'll go separate them." Sam said exasperated. Dean and Cas were going to cause a scene on the front lawn. Then the neighbours were going to phone the cops and the cops would figure out that Agent Howard Leese was a sham and would you look at that prison food was as bad as movies made it out to be.

"Be careful." Jess warned. She was still worried about what Cas had said the other week. She had yet to see either of them actually get into a fight and she didn't want them to– and she especially didn't want them to drag Sam into one.

Sam nodded and headed for the door.

Cas was struggling to get the car unlocked in the dark when he heard a familiar stomp coming his way. He turned around and swallowed hard. _Dean_.

Dean fixed two enraged eyes on Cas as he marched over to that _asshole_.

Cas stared back. Oh no. No. Not his Dean couldn't _stare_. That wasn't fair at all. He swallowed again as his face flushed warm– it had nothing to do with the Vicodin. Dean stopped two feet away from him and stared holes through him. Cas felt his heart start to race. What should he do? His first urge- grab Dean by the front of his shirt, pin him against the car, and kiss him- seemed like it _might_ be a bad idea.

"Keys." Dean demanded.

Cas held the keys up between them at face height. He bit his lip trying not to smile slyly. Dean reached for them. He yanked them away just as Dean's fingers brushed the metal. His second urge wasn't a good idea either. Cas ducked down as Dean threw a punch. He sidestepped out of reach. He grinned mischievously, "I thought you humans got slower as you aged. Not the other way around."

Dean turned around and glowered.

Cas tossed the keys up and caught them. He flashed a toothy grin at Dean. Offhandedly he knew this was a bad idea. He was only going to make Dean even more mad at him but...who cared? This was fun. It was definitely better than locking himself up in the impala all night listening to scratchy mix tapes and nodding off. He had a full body buzz going on, he was probably a few minutes away from feeling no pain, and the dizziness wasn't _so_ bad. So what if Dean wouldn't touch him? So what if Dean cringed and flinched every time he tried to edge closer? So what if Dean kept giving him that disgusted look and told him they weren't family? A fight would be almost as good. It had been the precursor to sex for them for years. He could get into a bit of a fight with Dean then pass out in the back of the impala while the Vicodin worked its way through him. It would be the best night he had spent in 2005 so far. He nodded to himself. That settled it. Get physical with Dean, sprawl out on the backseat. Just like the less miserable days of the apocalypse. Clearly that was the best option.

Cas held the keys up and jangled them, "Thought you wanted these?"

Dean clenched his jaw. That. Was. Fucking. **It.** Cas was on the the next goddamned bus to Alaska! Right after he smacked that smug grin off Cas's face and got his keys back!

Sam hopped out the front door trying to jam his boot on his foot. He tripped over his laces but caught his footing. He righted himself just in time to see Dean launch himself at Cas sending them both to the ground. Sam bolted forward into the fray.

"What is _wrong_ with you two!?" Sam snapped. He grabbed Dean's shoulder and pulled but got elbowed in the gut for his efforts. The air went out of him.

Dean managed to land a fist on the side of Cas's face. _Finally_. He had wanted to punch the smug hippy asshole for _weeks_.

Cas was mostly right about the feel no pain part. His head jerked to the side with the force of the blow and throbbed somewhere in the distance. It was almost like being a real angel, just a vague awareness that there was pain but he didn't have to feel it right now. He rolled his head back. Dean was illuminated from behind by the light from the living room window. It made a hazy glow around Dean as if he could still see Dean's soul. He laughed at himself scornfully. Well fuck, wasn't he just feeling so goddamned nostalgic tonight? Dean glared down at him. Cas couldn't make out his features, the back light making Dean's face dark. Cas grinned up at him, "Got another? I can take a lot more than that."

Dean did in fact have another but Sam hauled him away; going on about suburbia and cops. Dean shook him off and glared over at Cas.

Cas rolled over and got to his feet. His head spun. Maybe the dizziness was a little stronger than he had thought. He touched at the side of his face. It didn't hurt but it would tomorrow but that's what the other two thirds of the bottle of Vicodin were for. He glanced up to see Dean staring at him again. He stared back as they both ignored Sam. It was a different noise that made him peel his gaze away from Dean. He stared at the path that lead around to the back of the house. What _was_ that?

\---

Jess watched from the living room window as Sam scrambled out the door after his brother. This wasn't going to end well. Rebecca said something to her but she didn't catch it, too distracted by what was going on in front of her. She gave a non-answer, "Ah, yeah."

She gasped in shock when Dean took a swing at Cas but somehow Cas managed to duck away. There was a tense moment where Dean and Cas stared at each other then Cas shook the keys and said something. Dean threw himself at Cas. She flinched away when they hit the ground and Cas's head bounced. Tv violence was one thing, seeing it in front of her for real made her feel sick. She was working herself up to look back out at the dark driveway to see if she needed to phone an ambulance when she felt a cold breeze.

She froze.

Oh god. Ghosts! Sam had said ghosts leave cold spots—

She nearly smacked herself. The front door was open. It was the end of November. Of course it was cold. That breeze hit her again. She frowned. It wasn't coming from the right direction. She turned around, the fight on her former front lawn forgotten. The gentle breeze played across her face. The back door was open. Her skin crawled. _Why was the back door open?_ She crept towards it, "Rebecca?"

She stopped halfway there. "Bec? ....Becky?"

There wasn't any response. She stuck her hand into her pocket and made sure she had the hexbag Cas had made. It was supposed to stop demons from finding her. She had it. So the demon after her couldn't be here. She picked up one of the water bottles full of holy water that had been left strategically throughout the house and stepped a bit closer. As long as she stayed inside she'd be okay. Even if a demon _had_ figured out where she was it couldn't get inside because...they had...magic no demon signs. Oh god, this was all crazy. She was crazy. Sam was crazy. Dean was crazy. Cas was drunk or high and crazy. Crazy: that was what this was. She had been living through a month of _sheer crazy_.

She took a deep breath and made her way to the back door. She'd just close the door and everything would be fine. Rebecca was probably in the bathroom and they were probably just all crazy anyway and demons didn't really exist....even if ghosts that drove cars did. She trembled, if ghosts drove cars it didn't seem too outlandish to think demons could open doors.

She got to the open door. Her eyes went wide. Rebecca was at the bottom of the back steps in a heap and there was blood. So much blood. She dropped the water bottle and bolted out the door. _Oh god, there was so much blood!_

She dropped to her knees beside Rebecca. She tore her sweater off and shoved it against the widening wet spot on Rebecca's side.

Rebecca groaned.

"Oh thank god." Jess whispered. She was starkly reminded of watching Sam dig up that dead woman's grave last month. Cold fear sunk into her. What if the next grave Sam dug up was Rebecca's? What if—

Someone grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her back. She was dragged upright. A hand clapped over her mouth before she could yell for help. Jess kicked at the person behind her. That hand over her mouth slid up and covered her nose too. She huffed against it in a panic- she could just barely breath- and tried to yank it away from her face. She kicked backwards and tried to elbow her attacker but they danced out of the way.

This was it. They had spent a whole month trying to stop a demon from getting her and she had been an idiot and fallen for the dying friend trap! Had she never watched a horror movie in her life!? This couldn't happen _now_. They had magic water and magic circles and magic salt! This wasn't supposed to _happen!_ This was all so ridiculous it shouldn't even be _real!_

She felt something sharp press against her stomach. She squeezed her eyes shut. _This wasn't supposed to happen!_

" **Hey!** "

Her attacker froze. Then suddenly she was shoved away. She fell hard onto her knees and scraped her palms. She hunkered down lower when the sound of gunfire blasted through the backyard. She took in one laboured breath after another and shook. The world seemed fuzzy at the edges and sounds came from some distant far away place. She jumped when two hands landed on her shoulders.

"Jess! You okay? Are you hurt?" Sam barked out terrified. His blood had turned cold when he had rounded the corner of the house to see Zach Warren with a knife against Jess. The demon after Jess must have snatched Zach right off the plane.

She shook her head yes. She wasn't hurt but _Rebecca_. Oh god! _Rebecca!_ She lurched forward and pressed her hands against the bloody sweater on Rebecca's side. "Phone an ambulance!"

Dean jammed his hand into his pocket for his phone. He mashed the buttons, had to re-dial, then finally got a 911 dispatcher on the phone. He fed them half a lie, Rebecca had fallen down the back step and there was a lot of blood. No, she didn't appear to be conscious. He hoped it was enough to not have the cops show up and he hoped none of the neighbours would recognize gun shots late at night. He had put three bullets in that guy and all he had done was flinch before taking off and jumping the fence into the yard behind them. It wasn't all that weird really. He came across lots of monsters that pulled the impervious to bullets Superman stunt. Still, it was always unsettling to watch something human looking get shot and just walk it off.

Dean looked between Sam and Jess trying to keep Rebecca alive and the trail of blood the demon had left. This was their first and probably their best chance a getting the demon after Jess. It was wounded, it couldn't have gotten too far yet, and it was leaving a handy trail for them. He slid his gun into the back of his pants. He glanced up at the top of the steps. There was one of their holy water bottles laying on its side. He dashed up the steps and grabbed it.

Sam glanced up when Dean went by him, "What're you doing?"

"Going after it." Dean said taking the steps down two at a time.

"What? You can't go after a demon _alone."_ Sam said. A demon that could burn whole buildings down. A demon that had almost managed to kill Jess even with all their precautions.

"I'll go with him."

Dean and Sam turned to look at Cas who was swaying ever so slightly on the spot and clutching his blade in one hand while looking like his trip had turned bad on him.

"No." Dean and Sam said.

Dean turned to Sam, "You're right, this isn't a solo hunt, so come on." He waved in the direction the demon had run.

Jess jerked her head up in horror. "No. No, you're not leaving me alone while Becky is bleeding everywhere. I can't—" She shivered. She couldn't deal with this. She wasn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was Jess the Arts Major, "What if Zach comes back?"

"Who?" Dean asked confused but his brain supplied the answer as soon as he had asked. Zach was Rebecca's brother. His flight would have come a little while ago. The demon must have seen the chance and took it. That must have been him getting ready to carve up Jess like the turkey they had eaten last night. "Right. Never mind. But look Jess, we've been trying to catch any lead on this thing for weeks and all we've come up with is nothing. This is the first time it's reared its ugly head. You want the next time to be when it's you?"

" _Dean."_ Sam hissed.

Dean spread his arms in a defensive, _Well it's true!_

"I'll go with you." Cas said again. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't and he knew it. He should stay and Sam and Dean should hunt the demon down because he could feel his body wanting to slow down and drop off and he thought he was clear headed but he doubted he actually was. He knew he should stay but he was offering to go anyway because he knew Dean was going to go with or without Sam– more likely without considering the way Sam had a protective arm around Jess– and Dean shouldn't be alone with demons because one fine day Dean was going to sell his soul to one and jump start the apocalypse and Cas hadn't realized until _right that second_ that he was not actually bitterly resigned to living through the apocalypse a second time. He was, in fact, **_terrified_** at the prospect of living through it all over. It'd be better to die tonight on a hunt gone wrong then do it again. He'd take oblivion over that.

Dean grit his teeth and stared at Sam and Jess. Stay and let the demon get away or go hunt it down with the hippy weirdo he had just supplied with a bunch of Vicodin? He turned away from Sam and swore, "Fuck! Okay. Let's get her inside. Don't leave the house until we got it. I'll phone when it's over."

"When you've finished the exorcism." Sam said sharply. "Because Zach's still in there."

"Yeah." Dean said and didn't add, as long as things went smoothly because otherwise they were putting Cas's pig sticker to the test.

By the time they got Rebecca inside Dean could hear sirens in the distance. He knew you weren't supposed to move people when they were bleeding all over the place but he didn't think it mattered that much anymore. She had lost a lot of blood. Dean may not be working towards some fancy higher education degree but he did know a person tended to die when they had lost as much blood as Rebecca had. He'd let Sam be the one to break that bit of news to Jess.

Dean was about to head back outside when he stopped and went back for his bag. He'd call it one of his better ideas to not leave evidence lying around if the cops did show up looking for whoever had shot up the neighbour. He headed for the front door, grabbing Cas by the arm as he went by him and dragging him along.

The sirens were getting closer. Dean could pick out at least two different ones. He doubted there were two ambulances coming. He shoved Cas towards the car.

Cas stumbled forward but kept himself upright, "Shouldn't we—"

"Get in!" Dean snapped.

Cas got in.

Dean started the car up and tore out of the driveway. He passed two police cars as he ripped out of Jess's neighbourhood. An ambulance wasn't far behind. He circled around and parked the car the next street over. He could see Rebecca's place through the trees. The demon had probably come out around here.

Dean checked his gun and grabbed the holy water bottle before getting out. He closed the car door and didn't bother to see if Cas was following. He had reached the front lawn of the house when Cas jogged up beside him. "Got your butter knife?"

"Yeah." Cas said holding the _butter knife_ in question at the ready. He tried to focus on his surroundings and not the warm fuzzy feeling in his limbs that was making a good argument for curling up in the impala and having a nap. "Your gun isn't going to kill it."

"I noticed." Dean said dryly, "But it'll still hurt like a son of a bitch."

They both fell silent as they crept into the backyard of the house behind Rebecca's place. The cops were there. Dean kept low and in the shadows and glanced over to make sure Cas was doing the same. He was. Dean gave a sharp nod of approval.

Cas found the blood trail where the demon had crashed through a rose bush and ran from the yard. He waved Dean away from the back of the fence. He pointed to the trail, the blood looked almost black in the dark, and started following it out of the yard.

Dean's eyes flicked over the blood before he hurried to catch up to Cas who was wobbling as he stalked forward. When they were on the street trying to act as casual as two guys armed with a gun and a dagger could Dean stopped him for a moment, "You gonna pass out or something? 'cause no partner is better than an unconscious one."

"No. I'll be fine." Cas said. He had fought in worse conditions than this and been far more inebriated before on a hunt. He just had to focus. He could do it. "Trust me."

Dean's eyebrows shot up. Trust Cas? Yeah right. He shrugged, "Whatever, just don't get in the way."

They followed the trail to an empty house another street over. The for sale sign on the front lawn sported a bloody handprint and one of the windows at the side of the house had been smashed in and the sill covered in blood. Unless there were two guys running around tonight bleeding everywhere Dean was pretty sure the demon had holed up here.

"I'm gonna check around the house to see if it stayed or took off. Stay here and keep an eye on the front." Dean said. He looked up and down the empty street. The street light overhead flickered and blinked off. That couldn't be good.

Cas watched Dean creep around to the back of the house. He forced his eyes open and wide against the urge to sink down to the ground and relax. Normally this would be around the time he'd berate himself for fucking up and being high when Dean needed him but the Vicodin was happy to keep that train of thought at bay or at least make him not care too much about it. He blinked when he realized he had zoned out staring at the front door of the house. He clenched his fist tighter around his blade. Fuck. He was supposed—

\---

Dean circled back around to the front of the house to find no one waiting for him. He rolled his head back and groaned, "Great. What part of stay here didn't you understand? Fucking-" He snorted in anger, "- ** _Cas_** _."_

Dean gave an annoyed huff and started for the broken window, holy water bottle in one hand and his gun in the other. He was half way there when his foot hit something. He glanced down. It was Cas's blade. His head snapped up to check the house. Everything was still. He shoved his gun into the back of his jeans and snatched the blade off the ground. Cas had an unhealthy Gollum level obsession with that beat up blade. He wouldn't just ditch it on the front lawn of some suburban nightmare.

He crouched down and darted towards the house. He had seen a side door near the broken window hidden from the street by a bush. He crept along the side of the house and stopped beside the window. He leaned over and craned his neck up to look in. He didn't see anything except the vague black outline of office furniture and the shine of the moon off broken glass. The house stayed quiet. He took two quick steps past the window and leaned around the bush.

The side door was closed but there was a bloody smear around the doorknob. Dean yanked his sleeve down over his hand and opened the door. It creaked. He cringed and waited. Nothing moved. He went in.

The door lead into a laundry room. He could see into the kitchen from there. Everything was quiet and as cliché as it sounded, it was _too quiet_. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark before creeping further into the house. Jesus fucking christ he hoped Cas's butter knife was more than just for show. Sure, he was gonna try Sam's exorcism for all it was worth but he hated the idea of going up against a demon without something that could actually kill it. It made him feel like a lamb at the slaughter.

Dean took in a sharp breath when he heard the sound of someone padding softly towards him on the cheap linoleum floor. He took a step back and pressed himself up beside the fridge hoping the shadows would conceal him. He held his breath as a dark figure too short to be Cas entered the kitchen. It moved around the table and went to the counter. Dean stayed still. He doubted he could get the drop on the thing with the table between them. He'd wait and hope it wouldn't see him before going back to whatever it was demons did. He needed to get it somewhere where it couldn't get away before he started the exorcism. Fuck. Back up would have been nice right about now.

It messed around with something on the counter then headed back the way it had came. Dean let out his breath slowly. He followed after it as silently as his steel toed boots would let him. He moved down a long hallway. There were two closed doors, a stair case, and what looked like the doorway to the living room coming off it. He'd start with the living room. He took one quiet step after another. It all felt too easy. This was too easy, wasn't it? It was too quiet and too easy. The hair on the back of his neck stood on end. He looked behind himself. Nothing.

He peaked around the edge of the doorway into the living room. There was a lump on the floor that looked suspiciously Cas shaped. Nothing moved. He stepped into the living room; the sound of his boots swallowed up by the carpet.

" _Cas?"_ He whispered. His eyes flicked around the room for any spots an adult sized monster could be hiding. Unless demons could go invisible— fuck. _Could_ demons turn invisible? Sam would probably know but Sam wasn't here. All he had was a hopefully just unconscious probably Cas lying on the flo—

Tap.

Dean froze at that one quiet sound like someone had tapped their finger nail off the wall. Shit. He **_hated_** this part. He was going to turn around and it was going to be _right fucking behind him._ And fuck! He hadn't opened the holy water! He clenched the blade tighter in his fist. He dropped the water bottle and spun around.

Even if there really were two guys running around the neighbourhood covered in blood Dean thought the knife slicing through the air at his face made for a good fucking reason to try and stab back.

Dean backed up as the demon thrust the knife at him.

The demon surged forward; knife slashing uncomfortably close to Dean's neck.

Dean brought the blade in his hand up without thinking and jabbed upward. He felt the blade scrape along the bottom of the sternum as it slid home.

He yanked the blade out of the demon and took a defensive step back. The demon swayed on it's feet for a second before collapsing. Dean took in a few deep breathes. His heart was racing. Jesus fucking christ. He had just killed a demon. _A demon_. Fuck.

He shook a bit as he realized he had stabbed Sam's friend too.

He stared wide eyed at what he had done for a few moments before stepping closer and toeing at the corpse on the floor. It didn't move and it had that dead weight feel to it that all dead things had....which that was probably why it was called dead weight.

Satisfied that it was dead he turned around and bent down next to the lumpy Cas shaped object on the floor. Closer up he could see that it _was_ Cas and that he was still breathing. Well that was pretty much the height of Cas's achievements for the day: still breathing.

He gave Cas a light slap to the face. Cas made a noise that sounded a lot like, Fuck off. Dean gave him another slap. Cas's hand shot up and grabbed his wrist. Cas sat up and gave him a groggy squint in the dark. Dean pried his wrist loose, "Get your beauty rest in?"

Cas rubbed at his head. It was an odd sensation. It throbbed but it didn't hurt. Thank the sweet balm that was Vicodin for that at least. "What happened?"

"Well, my guess is that the demon got the drop on your high as a fucking kite ass and knocked you out." Dean said standing up.

"Where'd it go?" Cas asked and upon seeing a couch in front of him that was definitely not Rebecca's thought to add, "And where the ever loving fuck are we?"

"It didn't go anywhere." Dean said. He jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "It dragged you into the house we tracked it to. Ganked it. Now here we are."

Cas leaned forward to look around Dean's legs. His head spun a little but he ignored it. There was a body on the floor. He glanced up at Dean who was digging his phone out of his pocket with one hand and holding onto his blade with the other. Dean had killed it. Dean had used his blade and killed the demon after Jess. ....that was supposed to be his job. Even the warm fuzzies the Vicodin was merrily supplying via his bloodstream wasn't strong enough to erase the guilt that pressed in tight all around him. He had screwed up. Again. And Dean had to swoop in and fix things because Dean always had to fix his messes.

"Here." Dean said holding out the blade to Cas. When Cas took it he punched in Sam's number. It went to voice mail. He waited for the tone, "Got it. We just have to wrap up a few loose ends. See ya in a bit."

Dean turned his phone off. He didn't particularly want to get into it tonight about having killed the demon after Jess _and_ Zach Warren. Fuck, he hadn't even _tried_ the exorcism. It had just started slashing at him and he....well what did anyone expect him to do? It was self defense. He glanced over at the body on the floor. He tapped his fingers against his leg. They couldn't just leave the body here. It had three bullets from his gun and a stab wound. That had suspicious death written all over it. What did he do with it? Normally he'd just skip town after racking up a body count.

"Come on. We gotta get the car." Dean said having decided that a hunter's funeral was also a convenient way to get rid of evidence.

The walk back to the car was silent and a lot slower than what Dean wanted it to be but Cas's wobbling had turned into more of a zigzag. Dean wasn't sure it was the Vicodin. The demon had probably hit Cas over the head pretty damn hard if it knocked him out.

When they got in the car the first thing Cas did was let his head fall back to the seat. Dean gave him a shove, "Hey. Don't fall asleep on me here man. You've probably got a concussion and I'm gonna need another set of hands to get this salt and burn done."

"Right." Cas sat up straight. He _really_ wanted to go to sleep. All the good parts of his Vicodin high had been ruined and what was left was clawing at him, trying to drag him under. ...but Dean wanted him to stay awake. It was the least he could do since he had almost completely screwed up the second item on the list. _Fuck, fuck, **fuck**!_ He was going to screw up everything on the list and he was going to have to live through the apocalypse a second time and it was going to be all his fault again!

"You okay?" Dean asked looking Cas over. He looked like his usual strung out scrawny self but there was something a bit more off about Cas than what was usual, "The head or the vike?"

Cas sighed. The head was probably the right answer but it didn't have anything to do with the demon. "I'm fine. Let's go."

Dean stared for a moment. He shook his head, "Right. Fine. Like every other time you're fine." Dean started up the care. "Don't pull a freakin' gun on me later."

\---

Dean drove two hours away with a body in the trunk rolled up in a square of white Berber carpet (who picks out white carpets?) he had cut from the living room floor before stopping at a suitably lonesome spot. They dug a grave. Not a shallow grave mind you, Dean Winchester did not dig shallow graves. Dean doused the human carpet burrito in a whole can of lighter fluid and a box of salt before setting it on fire. He figured the salt and burn was a good precaution. If anything was going to leave a spirit unsettled it'd be having a demon take the reins and getting stabbed by some dick in a leather jacket.

They watched the body burn for awhile before they filled in the grave and Dean discovered a couple of things that were actually useful about Cas. He had a blade that could kill demons, he shut the fuck up and didn't try to talk to him about killing some guy whose only wrong had been getting picked up by a demon, he dug a grave like a pro, and he had a joint ready for after. Didn't make him any less of an asshole but at least it meant he was useful. So... _maybe_ the bus ticket to Alaska could be put on hold. For now.

Dean debated with himself for one hot minute about going back to Rebecca's place. Nope. They were getting a motel room instead. The cops would be interested in a big black car that recently had a body in the trunk and he didn't particularly want to talk to Sam yet.

He left another voice mail telling Sam they'd catch up with him tomorrow and didn't check his messages. There were three and he'd bet his bottom dollar they were all from Sam wanting to know what he meant by _loose ends_. That was going to be an awkward conversation. Sorry Sam, stabbed your friend and burnt his body twenty feet off some sketchy back road. Right. Great conversation to look forward to.

It took Dean a half hour to find a shady motel and by the time they hauled their stuff in Dean had had a solid four hours to mull over the fact that he had just killed a guy. He may have been possessed by a demon but... _fuck!_ He hadn't even _tried_ the exorcism. He had been all stab first, ask questions never.

Cas watched Dean pace the room and scrub his hand over his face. It was exhausting to watch mostly because at this point Cas was doing all he could to fight off the sleep the Vicodin so desperately wanted. Cas suggested the obvious answer to whatever Dean's problem was– he suspected the problem was still him. "Sit down. Have a drink. I'll be good."

Dean spared one icy glance at Cas and went back to wandering the tiny motel room with a frown on his face.

Cas's eyebrows furrowed. That wasn't Dean's normal pissy _I disapprove of everything you do and are_. That look was....different. Dean seemed different. Cas thought over the events of the night. ....what if while he was unconscious the demon had possessed Dean and killed its previous host?

Cas quietly went to the weapons bag where there'd be a bottle of holy water. He waited for Dean to finish his circuit of the room before splashing it in his face.

Dean blinked against the water.

"Christo." Cas looked him over. Nothing happened. No black eyes. No burns from the holy water. Dean just looked surprised and angry.

"What the hell?" Dean growled. He wiped the water out of his eyes. He snatched the bottle out of Cas's hands and tossed to the nearest bed.

"I didn't actually see you kill the demon and you've been acting funny." Cas explained.

Dean stared at him incredulous. "You thought I was possessed."

Cas shrugged. "Possibly."

Dean gave Cas a disgusted look. "I'm not _possessed_. I just killed–" Dean snapped his jaw shut with a click and found something in his duffle bag to busy himself with.

Cas stared at the back of Dean's head. Dean was upset over killing a demon? That didn't seem.... That couldn't be it. Cas frowned as he tried to piece it together. Dean was upset because....? He drew a blank. The answer was usually because of something he had done but Dean was ignoring him. What was wrong? What did he do? Dear fucking god he hadn't been this clueless in years. He sat down on the bed and watched Dean move around aimlessly.

This was worse than screwing up the list. If there was one thing Cas knew it was Dean Winchester but he was staring at Dean and.... _[and he didn't **know**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6674141)_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But unless you've figured it out I won't discuss it yet since it gives everything away.


	14. Eyes of a Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam knew Jess had done her best to believe in what hunting was and what was hunting her in return but now she _knew_. She had seen it wearing the face of a friend, and found out that sometimes there's collateral damage.

Blood pooled and flowed on the asphalt. He darted forward but he could already see the blank look in her eyes. The echoes of his feet reverberated off the walls of the alley. He crashed to his knees beside her. He scooped up her limp body and pulled it against him—

"Sam?"

Sam rubbed at his face and blinked against the fluorescent light. Jesus, he was going to have nightmares about last night for years. He shifted in the uncomfortable plastic hospital chair that he was far too big for.

Jess leaned closer, "You alright?"

"Yeah. Was just a dream." Sam said giving himself a little shake. He ran his hand through his hair.

"Rebecca's parents finally replied." Jess said. As far as she could tell the doctors had just left a vague message on Rebecca's parents answering machine telling them to phone back but they wouldn't get that for months. Rebecca's parents were in Europe. She couldn't find Rebecca's parents' contact information for where they were staying while they were in Europe so she had dug through Rebecca's laptop to find her parents' email addresses. It was a horrible way to find out that their daughter was in the hospital but she thought they'd rather hear the news from a friend as soon as possible than months later from someone they didn't know.

"Yeah?" Sam asked. His head still felt weird and muddled from his dream– _nightmare_.

Jess nodded. "They're taking the first flight back they can get."

"Did you tell them...?" Sam had persuaded Jess not to mention anything about Zach to the police or the doctors. As far as anyone but them knew a complete stranger had shown up and stabbed Rebecca. It was for the best. It hadn't really been Zach. It would be better if the police weren't trying to pin it on him.

"No." Jess said. She worried her lip. She felt kind of gross for lying about what had happened but she understood why it was necessary. The police wouldn't exactly take demon possession as a likely excuse. If only that was the only thing that was worrying her. "I phoned Zach's place. No one picked up. ...Emily was supposed to be coming with him but...."

Sam flinched. But she hadn't turned up last night. Shit. He had completely forgotten about Zach's girlfriend in all the commotion.

"You don't think...?" She nodded towards the hospital room Rebecca was laying in. What if the demon had possessed Zach before he got on the plane? What if the same thing had happened to Emily?

"I'm sure she just didn't get the time off." Sam said but he had a sneaking suspicion the demon had done something to her. ....or what if there were two demons? Cas hadn't mentioned two demons but what if by saving Jess from the fire they had changed more than just keeping Jess alive? Sam pulled Jess closer, "It's Monday. She's probably at work."

Jess grimaced. That wasn't Sam's _everything is alright_ voice. What did she do though? If she phoned the cops in Missouri to check up on Emily it would just make people start asking questions about Zach and Zach was innocent. "Did you get a hold of Dean yet?"

Sam grabbed his phone and checked his messages. He had one from Dean. Just one. After Rebecca had been stabbed and Dean had taken off after a demon then disappeared all night Dean had sent just _one_ message. He tapped out a quick message in response. He turned back to Jess, "He wants to meet up. Not here or Rebecca's place. I told him to go to that fifties diner you like."

"Why doesn't he– oh. Right." Jess was still getting used to the idea of hiding from the police when someone was stabbed. She glanced at the room Rebecca was in. The doctors weren't letting anyone in right now. The only thing they could do was sit outside her hospital room. She wasn't really accomplishing anything just sitting in the hallway but...she couldn't just leave Rebecca alone after what happened, right? What if Rebecca woke up and there was no one there for here? "I dunno...you go find out how Zach is. I'll stay with Rebecca."

"Jess, we've been here for seventeen hours. The doctors say Bec's stabilized. Sitting here hungry and trying to sleep in these torture devices the hospital is trying to pass off as chairs isn't helping anyone." Sam said. He knew Jess just wanted to help; be there when her friend was in trouble. It was one of things that he had always liked about Jess but sometimes he'd have to stop her and point out that there was nothing left to do. "Come on. We'll get something to eat and if you don't want to go back to the house we can get a motel room and we'll get some sleep."

Jess grimaced again. At least she had stopped laughing at how absurd all of this was. She couldn't laugh at it anymore. Not with what had happened last night. She looked between Sam and Rebecca's hospital room, "....alright. But once we catch a few zzz's we come right back."

\---

Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel to the tune of Ride the Lightening as he watched Sam and Jess get out of a taxi and go inside that ridiculous 50's diner– the extra bacon cheeseburger only _just_ made up for it. He got to the end of the song and started over.

He was exhausted. He hadn't slept much last night and what little sleep he got was that shallow half awake kind that didn't really count as sleep. Sometime around 7am he had finally just said screw it to sleeping and gone out for a drive while Cas slept off his Vicodin induced coma (See? He knew it would shut him up).

His phone went off while he was drumming through his song of choice a third time. He pulled it out of his pocket and checked it. Sam. Obviously.

_You coming? Or what?_

"Yeah, yeah. Hold your horses Sammy." Dean muttered. He snapped his phone closed. "Just gotta figure out how to tell you I poked a few holes in your friend and had a hunter style barbeque last night."

He went back to his steering wheel rendition of Ride the Lightening, trying to sooth his nerves and stop thinking about how he had just killed a guy. He saved people. He didn't kill them.

\---

Sam was about to call Dean and leave a message- because he doubted Dean would actually answer his phone at this point- and tell Dean to just meet them at whatever hotel they got for the night when he walked in. Sam's eyebrows drew together. Dean always looked a little rough around the edges but his look today was more....dragged through town by wild horses than shady drifter.

Jess looked up when she felt Sam stiffen beside her. She took in a soft breath. Dean looked like shit. Was that what happened when you exorcized demons? She had seen enough movies with esoteric Catholic priests to suspect that maybe getting rid of a demon was hard on a person, physically and mentally.

Sam watched- face still pulled into a look of concern- as Dean slid into the seat across from him and Jess. Sam's eyes flicked up to the door. Cas didn't come hurrying after Dean. Maybe Cas was hard to be around but... "Where's Cas? He's okay, right?"

Dean blinked in surprise. He had figured Sam would have worked it all out by now, not be worried about their resident liability...who was useful _some_ of the time. Dean waved a dismissive hand, "Couldn't get him up. Left him back at the motel with four Vicodin and a couple bottles of that drain cleaner he likes to drink. Figured, I'd pick him up later when he's slept off the come down and isn't being such a cranky bastard."

Sam nodded. At least that explained why Dean looked like hell warmed over. He was probably up all night dealing with Cas and a wigged out Zach. Would Zach remember what had happened? God, he hoped not. "How's Zach?"

A wince went through Dean before he could stop himself. He bit his lip and looked down. Fuck. He had settled on just telling Sam straight up but that was easier said than done. He looked back up at Sam. His eyes shot over to Jess. Double fuck. In fact, Double plus fuck. He couldn't tell _Jess_ what happened. She was practically a stranger. Sam was going to be pissed off as it was. He didn't need _two_ people freaking out at him that he had killed someone. He was already doing a good job at that on his own.

Jess did not at all like the furtive way Dean was looking between her and Sam. "What happened? Is Zach okay?"

"....uh....well....things kinda....went south." Dean said. He rubbed at the back of his neck and took a quick glance at Sam and Jess. Went south? He almost snorted in laughter, yeah, waaay south, right to fiery hell.

"Is he hurt?" Jess asked.

"Well...no. He's....the demon got the jump on Cas." Dean said feeling lame just for saying it. The demon got the jump on Cas? What was he trying to do? Pin it on Cas? Beyond that being probably the most shit-coward move he could make, who would even _believe_ that? Cas had been screwed up on Vicodin and liquor. Cas had barely been able to walk straight let alone handle a blade. Dean moved his hands to his lap and curled them into fists. "So Cas was down for the count and the demon got behind me and started trying to slice me up like turkey dinner and...ah...an exorcism wasn't really an option at that point."

An exorcism wasn't an option? Jess stared at Dean trying to work out what he meant. She glanced at Sam and wished she hadn't. Sam had a blank shocked look on his face that spelled it all out for her. Her hand shot up to her mouth as she gasped. She felt her stomach heave and drop away like the bottom had fallen out.

"Jess. I need to talk to Dean outside for a minute." Sam said robotically. This was why he got out of hunting. Hunting just left a trail of bodies behind. Dad and Dean liked to talk about helping people but at what cost? If Dean was saying what he thought he was saying than Rebecca was in the hospital and Zach was dead and who exactly had they helped except themselves?

Dean got up. He cast a glance over his shoulder at Jess. She was staring at the empty space where he had been sitting as if it would tell her this whole thing was a big joke...or like she might be sick.

Sam looked around when they got outside, "Where's the car?"

Dean nodded to a spot up the street then started towards the car. The walk there was tense and silent. He got in the car. Sam went around the other side. He had a few seconds to think, _shit!_ before Sam was getting in beside him.

They sat silently.

"Is Zach dead?" Sam asked keeping his eyes forward.

"....yeah." Dean sighed in defeat, "Least we know Cas's blade works."

Sam nodded. "What'd you do with the body?"

"Planted him on the side of the road a couple hours from here." Dean said. And wasn't _that_ weird? Normally he wasn't the one leaving a trail of bodies. Well, human bodies at least. Who cared if the cops found a werewolf? He'd always be long gone before someone thought to connect the dude in the murder-mobile to an actual murder. "Figured, three bullet wounds and being stabbed would count as a suspicious death and since the cops are looking for someone who's been doing some suspicious stabbing....."

"Yeah." Sam said. It really did make the most sense....the most sense in a screwed up hunter way. Dear god, he was out after this. He knew it was the only thing Dean could do with the body after- what self respecting cop would believe in demonic possession?- but... **_Fuck_**. Hunting was so screwed up. "Did anyone see you?"

"Don't think so." Dean said. If they had there wasn't much he could do but run. "So...uh...how's Bec doing?"

"She hasn't woken up yet." Sam said. He ran his hands through his hair. Who was going to be next? He ran his hands through his hair again. That was it, he was out. For real this time. No more hunting. "Jess got a hold of her parents a short while ago. They're flying back as soon as they can."

"Right." Dean nodded. What the hell were they doing? He had expected more from Sam. Anger or something, not— **_this_**. Whatever it was. It was like he barely even cared about his friend. Maybe they hadn't been that close? What did people do when their non-hunting buddies died? Wow, he...totally kind of sucked at this when it was personal...sort of personal. He took a sideways glance at Sam. He frowned. He couldn't tell how Sam was taking it. 

"Me and Jess are gonna get a motel room somewhere. She doesn't want to stay at the house." Sam said. He was done. This was it. No more hunting. Ever. They had saved Jess from the demon after her. He was out. Again. This time forever. _And he **meant** it._

"Yeah." Dean agreed off hand. It wouldn't particularly bother _him_ to stay in Rebecca's house again but then, he routinely squatted in houses that had seen more than _attempted_ murder. "You want me to drive you over before I head back to get Cas?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure." Sam said. He glanced at Dean. Dean was tapping Metallica on his steering wheel and watching traffic. Did Dean even care that Zach had died in the crossfire?

Sam watched Dean for a few more moments before going back to the diner and getting Jess. She was quiet and sort of....curled into herself. Sam wasn't sure what to do. She didn't really seem to want to get close so he just awkwardly hovered a half step behind her as they headed back to the car.

He had never really had to personally deal with deaths outside the hunter world. Hunters didn't often retire into old age. It was just assumed something with teeth and claws would get them eventually so when they died it wasn't exactly shocking. Sam's eyebrows drew together as old childhood fears surfaced. As much as he never got along with Dad he always remembered those times he had been afraid that _this time_ Dad wouldn't come back. That him and Dean would be stuck at some cheap roadside motel with nothing and no one. .....maybe it would have been better that way.

Jess got into the back of the car and after some hesitation Sam sat with her. Dean started the car up. Jess pulled out her phone. Sam looked over curious, "Who're you phoning?"

"The police in Missouri." Jess said as she punched in the number. She had looked up the number for the local police station earlier when she had failed to get Emily on the phone. It had made her felt like she was doing something and now she finally was. Hopefully it was the right thing.

"What?" Sam asked surprised.

Dean glanced into the rear view mirror confused, "Missouri?"

"Emily still hasn't phoned back. She was supposed to be here. And she's not." Jess said. The phone started to ring. "I don't care about your _hunting_ rules about not telling people anything. Look where that got us."

Sam reached towards the phone but Jess jerked aside, "Jess, you can't just tip the cops off. They'll—"

"What? Ask questions? Start looking for Zach?" Jess snapped. Sam gave her a wounded look that stabbed at her heart. She looked away. She didn't laugh. All this hunting stuff had stopped seeming absurd as of last night. She flicked her eyes back to Sam for a brief second and wondered who exactly she had been dating the past year. How was Sam just... _okay_ with everything that kept happening? Is that what hunting did to people? The phone connected. "Hello? .......Jessica Moore.......my friend is missing."

\---

Sam leaned against the impala beside Dean. He was dreading going into the motel room. Jess was freaking out and not in a, _needs a hug_ kind of way. It was more of a _listen to angry music and aggressively ignore him_ kind of freak out. He pulled his face into a pained look. It also seemed like the kind of freak out that would lead to a conversation that started with _we need to talk_ and end with the less traditional, _it's not me it's **you**_.

"I'm gonna go see if Cas is still alive or if he's finally pickled himself with all that liquor." Dean said jabbing his thumb over his shoulder at the car. For the first time since Cas had shown up Dean was genuinely thankful he had barreled into his life. It gave him a great reason to slink away and dodge whatever it was boiling up between Sam and Jess. Not that he wouldn't have done it anyway but it was nice to have an out that Sam wouldn't call bullshit on and give him that... _Sam look_.

"Yeah." Sam said frowning towards the door of the motel. They had grabbed their things from Rebecca's place- Sam was pretty sure Dean had stolen one of Rebecca's books while they were there- and then found a motel that wasn't a complete dive. Jess had been silent through the whole thing.

Dean followed Sam's gaze. He knew he had kinda on and off resented Jess the last few days for trying to be Sam's family but...well...if Sam was worried about her.... "She okay?"

"I think she's just finally understanding why I left." Sam said. He knew Jess had done her best to believe in what hunting was and what was hunting her in return but now she _knew_. She had seen it wearing the face of a friend, and found out that sometimes there's collateral damage from hunting. Now she knew what he had been lying about for years.

"....and why you're gonna come back?" Dean added hopefully. Maybe it wasn't exactly the right time to bring it up but when was? Sam got touchy about it no matter when he brought it up.

Sam jerked his head back in surprise. Dean thought he'd want to get back into hunting after _this?_ "No. I told you. I'm out. This is why I'm out. People die." Sam waited for Dean to launch into Dad's _people die when you screw up and aren't there to protect them_ speech but it didn't come. Sam shrugged, "We're not responsible for saving everyone."

Dean glanced at the motel room. Sam sure as hell hadn't complained about them being responsible for saving Jess. "Then who is?"

"Dean...." Sam sighed. He really didn't want to get into it right after finding out about Zach. He shook the hair out of his eyes. "Just....go get Cas. We'll take about this later."

\---

Cas woke up in a motel room soaked in the orangey glow of sunset. He blinked rapidly, not sure where or when he was at first but the hum of electricity made the when clear. Still 2005. A good five years away from his nightmares. He grumbled and pressed his face back into the pillow.

It was dark when he finally bothered to get up. Except for the rattle of the mini fridge the room was quiet. Cas frowned. He turned the bedside lamp on. He looked around the room. Where was Dean? His frown pulled deeper. He shifted on the bed unsettled by the quiet room.

He spotted three bottles of Everclear on the dresser and got up. He scratched at his side. Dirt from the hasty grave they had dug last night flaked off him and fell to the ground. He snatched a bottle of Everclear off the dresser and opened it up. After the first gulp he noticed four pills set down in front of the bottles. He scooped all four up and popped them into his mouth. He chased it with another gulp from the bottle.

Cas sat down on the edge of his bed and rubbed at his forehead. His body seemed to be torn with indecision about whether or not it wanted to be hung over. He sipped at the bottle- hair of the dog- and looked around the room.

He froze when he finally realized how empty the room was. He bolted to the window and looked out. The impala was gone. He clutched the bottle tight to his chest and turned around. He had to be seeing things– not seeing things. Dean wouldn't actually....

Cas's eyes flicked around the room. There was his new-to-him duffle bag, the other two bottles of Everclear, and....and nothing else. Dean's bag was gone. The weapons bag was gone.

Dean was gone and he was still here.

Dean had done it. Dean had really left. Again.

"Oh fuck." Cas whispered to the empty room. It didn't seem real.

He stood there rooted to the spot. Time passed him by the way it used to, back when he had been a real angel, slipping around him unnoticed.

A rattle from the mini fridge made him blink. He drained the bottle in his hands and set the empty on the table. He edged towards the door. Should he go? Had Dean paid for the room a second day before ditching him at last? He turned back to the dresser and grabbed a second bottle.

What did he do? He took a swig from the bottle. How was he going to find Dean? He didn't have his abilities to locate humans and even if he did Dean was carrying hexbags to keep him hidden. He stalked around the room glaring at everything. He had done it again. He had pissed Dean off enough to make him leave. He drank half the bottle.

He sat down at the table and let his head thump off the pressboard and cracked veneer (only the best for this motel). He shouldn't have taken out his anger at his Dean on this Dean. Jess had been right. He hadn't cut it out and now he was alone. Again. Except this time he was _really_ alone. He didn't have a camp full of people to distract him....or keep him safe. Fear crept into him. Alone was a death sentence ten years from now. He probably wouldn't fair much better in 2005. What did he know about living with humans that weren't scraping the bottom of the barrel to stay alive?

He finished off the second bottle and left it with the first one on the table. He got up and grabbed the last bottle off the dresser. Dean had left him behind and hadn't even left him with all the booze. What an asshole. His face fell. Dean wasn't an asshole. He was.

He stood there staring at the last bottle. He shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably at the dirt that was trickling down his back. Well, it would be safe to assume that humans in 2005 would probably be just as adverse to people covered in grave dirt as humans in 2014. He abruptly started for the bathroom. He'd clean up. Blend in better with the humans from now. Look less like an apocalypse refugee and more like....a homeless drunk.

Maybe if he broke down what he needed to do into these small basic steps he could get himself together enough to at least make sure he got number four on the list done. As long as he stopped Dean from selling his soul who cared about the rest?

He got as far as turning on the bathroom light and startling himself in the mirror. A bedraggled angel scowled back at him. He backed up and hit the wall. He jumped with fright then sunk down to the floor. He rubbed a hand over the stubble on his face where he was used to scruffy beard. It was taking its time growing back in. He took a long sip from the last bottle of Everclear and stayed where he was on the floor.

[Dean had left](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6846224).

\---

Dean opened up the glove box and fished out the mostly empty bottle of Vicodin. He took two and tossed the bottle back in. He angled the rear view mirror towards his face and checked his eye. It wasn't swelling too much but the faint hint of a black eye was already starting to blossom across his face. Not bad all things considered.

After he had dropped Sam and Jess off he had driven around aimlessly for awhile still feeling weird about having killed the demon and Zach Warren along with it. He had stopped at a bar eventually intent on scamming some pool to take his mind off things. He touched his eye again. Some people were sore losers.

He texted Sam to say he was just gonna stay out in the boonies again tonight then grabbed the bag of take out off the passenger seat and got out of the car. He grabbed his bag out of the trunk and stomped up to the motel room door. He made sure to knock and make a lot of noise before he opened the door. Maybe Cas didn't have a gun but he still had that demon killing dagger of his and Dean didn't need more holes in his body than he already had. Heh. _Holes_. He really should have picked up a chick to take his mind off things instead of scamming pool. He'd have been less likely to come away from that with a black eye.

The bedside lamp was on. Dean looked around the room. He rolled his eyes when he saw two empty bottles on the table (great rationing Cas). He wondered where the third bottle was but then realized the answer was obvious: with Cas.

He tossed the take out bag onto the table and dropped his duffle bag on the bed he had claimed as his. He was about to flop face down on the bed when he heard a strangled noise from the bathroom. He looked over. The door was open and the light was on. "Cas?"

The strangled noise happened again.

Dean's eyebrows drew together. What the hell was Cas doing? Ugh. What if he was jacking off with the door open? The noise came again. That didn't sound like a _I'm gonna come so hard_ noise. That sounded...

Dean cautiously stepped closer to the bathroom door, "Cas?"

There it was _again_. What the hell was Cas _doing?_

Jesus fucking christ. What if all that drinking and pill popping had caught up to Cas and he was choking to death on his own vomit on the floor? Dean covered the last few feet in a flash. He shoved the door open the rest of the way. Well, Cas was on the floor alright but he wasn't choking to death. He looked like a wreck though. "What hell are you doing?"

Cas felt his chest constrict and his heart start to hammer when Dean suddenly appeared in the doorway. He had thought he was just drunk and hearing things. He hadn't thought Dean had _actually_ come back for him. He stared up at Dean. Dean looked a little hazy around the edges but he also looked worn out and exhausted. It was the most this Dean had ever looked like his Dean. "You left."

"Yeah." Dean said annoyed by the accusation in Cas's voice. "Unlike some people, I had shit to do today."

"You left." Cas repeated. It was all he could think to say through the booze. Dean had left. _Dean had **left**. _

"Yeah. We kinda already covered that." Dean said. His eyes darted down to Cas's hands. He was holding onto the bottle in one hand (where else would it be?) and in the other the familiar leather tie of his amulet poked out. That was still so fucking weird to see this guy he barely knew walking around with exact copies of his stuff. "So are you just gonna sit here and drink in the bathroom all night?"

Cas glared up at the asshole who got to look like his Dean but didn't know a damn thing about him; didn't understand what he had just put him through, "Get out."

"Dude, what the hell is your problem _this_ time?" Dean asked exasperated. He didn't need this shit tonight. He had his own shit to deal with. He didn't need Cas's un-fucking-knowable crap tonight.

"Get. Out." Cas seethed through gritted teeth. He tightened his grip around the amulet until he felt the horns dig into his skin as a complete fucking stranger stared at him with Dean's eyes.

Dean opened his mouth to tell Cas off; that he'd be more than glad to get out and leave Cas behind at this crappy motel if that's what he wanted when the light above the bathroom sink dimmed and flickered. Shit. What if the salt and burn wasn't enough and now Zach's ghost was haunting them?

Cas felt like his chest was caving in. Why didn't he just _leave?_ Why did he keep standing there looking like _Dean?_ He didn't have any right to not know him and look like that. He scowled at the stranger that wore Dean's face, " _Are you as dense as you fucking look?_ **Get out!** "

Dean jumped as the bulb and glass cover above the sink burst. He flung his arm up instinctively to protect his eyes and jumped back as glass rained to the floor. Cas kicked the door shut on in his face with a slam. Dean stood there dumbstruck. What the fuck had just happened?

Dean eyed the door suspiciously. Had....that been....had Cas done that? Was....was his angel story not _complete_ bullshit? Was that what angels did? Bust crappy motel light fixtures? He snorted in disgust when he heard the shower turn on. Yeah right. As if that had been Cas. They were probably just haunted. Fuck. He didn't need this shit tonight. He needed a bed, preferably one with a woman in it but his life sucked at the moment so he was going to have to settle for an empty one.

He went out to the car and got the salt. He put down lines at the windows and door. That done he grabbed sleep pants and a t-shirt from his bag (pajamas are what girls wear). He eyed the bathroom door warily for a moment. The shower was still running. Cas would probably hog the bathroom all damn night. He made a throaty noise of disapproval before shedding his clothes and quickly pulling on the t-shirt and sleep pants.

He stuffed his gun under his pillow and crawled into bed. It was only a little after 10 but he had basically been up since yesterday. He turned the bedside lamp off. The shower was still going strong. He shoved his face into the pillow and muttered, "Fucking fake angel time traveling lunatic hippy taking up all the fucking hot water and hogging the damn bathroom."

He snorted at how ridiculous that sounded out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking flip phones. God, I hated it when people made it a point to snap their damn phones closed as loud as possible. 
> 
> There is a movie that I wanted Dean to quote where there's a stabbing scene and the killer gets creepily gentle with the person they just murdered and I can not for the life of me figure out what it was called and it is driving me _nuts!_ So if I do find it this chapter may eventually have a small re-write where Dean quotes that.
> 
> A huge continuity error that I'm not fixing: Rebecca and Zach's parents must be huge assholes. Their son gets charged with murder (Skin 1.06) and they _stay_ in Europe? What the hell? Talk about shitty parents. So I've given Rebecca and Zach less shitty parents because I think it's more believable than the shitty parents from canon.
> 
> References  
> Dean references 1984. Which I think he might have already done but I like it.  
> The title is the name of a Payola$ song. It was kind of a one hit wonder in Canada and is my sneaky Canadian moment but! I chose this particular band because one of the main members of the Payola$ is Bob Rock who produced Metallica's albums from 1990 to 2003. Sneaky Canadian's get all up in Dean's heavy metal. haha!


	15. The part where we try to talk about feelings and shit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean woke up in the dark to the horrifying knowledge that the door to motel room was open and something was in the room with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I let Dean name this chapter.

Dean woke up in the dark to the horrifying knowledge that the door to motel room was open and something was in the room with him. He slid his hand under his pillow for his gun. A cold breeze played against the back of his head. He jerked the gun out from under the pillow and rolled over. His eyes whipped around in the dark and landed on a dark figure crouched over the end of his bed. He cocked his gun, "You better have a name I like, or your midnight snack is going to be lead."

"Then I guess you're going to shoot me."

" _Cas?"_ Dean asked the dark figure. What the ever loving fuck was Cas doing _now?_ He could hear Cas rummaging around in something in the darkness. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Not getting shot it seems. How unfortunate. It would have really brought it all home today."

"What?" Dean asked more than a little confused. Cas laughed quietly in the dark as if he could see Dean's confusion. Dean glared at the dark blob that was Cas. He turned and started groping in the dark for the lamp beside the bed. "I don't know what the hell you're trying to do this time. But seriously, I don't need it today."

"What _am_ I trying to do? Trying to love you baby, love some other man too."

"Okay, don't fucking misquote Led Zeppelin at me." Dean said. He turned the lamp on and set his gun down on the nightstand, "And don't call me baby. I told you I'm not into— Jesus fucking christ! _Cas!"_

Dean jerked his eyes away from the very naked Cas hunched over the end of his bed going through his duffle bag. _"What **the fuck** man?"_

"I stepped in glass." Cas said as he rifled through Dean's toiletry kit for tweezers pausing once to take a sip from the bottle he held. He had realized when he got out of the shower that he was very unfortunately out of booze- and worse still he could still think straight-but, fortunately, there was more in the car. The glass in his foot had been a minor hindrance.

"And you felt the need to stand around _naked_ because you stepped in glass?" Dean snapped. He ran a hand through his hair. Holy fucking hell. He did _not_ need this tonight.

"Oh." Cas said. That hadn't really factored in during his brief trip from the bathroom to the car and back inside. Mostly he had just swore at the glass on the floor and in his foot and gone about the more important tasks in life. Life was pain, as the sage advice went, so why get worried about it?

"Just take the damn bag and...get...." Dean trailed off as his eyes caught sight of the trail of blood leading to and from the open door across the salt line. There were little pools of blood leading across the room to....oh fuck. Was he gonna look at naked Cas? He wiped his hand over his face. Fuck. He rolled out of bed and leaned around to look— but he kept his eyes down damnit! It didn't count if he didn't **_see_** anything!

Dean's eyes went wide. Cas was standing in an ever widening puddle of blood. "What the hell did you _do?_ Slice your heel off?"

"No. But I think there's a rather large piece of the light cover stuck in my foot." Cas said conversationally ignoring the pain. "Ergo the tweezers."

Dean groaned. He rubbed his hand over his face, "Ugh. Why? Why me?"

"Just lucky, I guess." Cas said. He finally spied the tweezers. "I found them."

"Great. Because that's gonna help _so_ much." Dean said already feeling like he had to _do_ something. He threw the box of kleenex from the bedside table at Cas. How the hell did Cas always mange to do this? Piss him off and say dumb shit but then make him feel bad? He stepped around naked Cas- keeping his eyes averted- and the trail of blood. He angrily jammed his feet into his boots and grabbed his keys off the table. "Put some fucking pants on. Then sit down. I'm gonna get the first aid kit from the car."

"Fucking drunk hippy asshole." Dean shivered against the cold- wasn't California supposed to be _warm?_ \- as he opened up the trunk and took out the beat up metal lunch box he kept the first aid kit in. He hesitated a moment to take stock of the liquor in the trunk. Cas must have come out here first and grabbed a few bottles. Jesus, the guy could drink. He shook his head and looked down at the pavement of the parking lot. He was standing in a pool of blood. He jumped aside. Great. That was exactly what he wanted to be standing in. Thanks a lot Cas. He did his best to wipe his boots off on the pavement before going back in.

Dean shoved the door closed behind him and kicked his boots off. He turned around and immediately rolled his eyes so hard his whole head went with them. "Oh, for the love of... I didn't mean put _my_ pants on."

Cas shrugged from the corner of the bed he was sitting on with one leg propped up on his knee. There hadn't been any other clothes to hand. He wadded up another bunch of kleenex and dropped the bloody ones to the floor. He pressed the clean ones to his foot then reached down for the bottle beside his other bloody mess of a foot. He probably shouldn't be drinking while he was losing blood. He shrugged at himself and took another drink.

Dean watched unimpressed but couldn't be bothered to argue. At least Cas wasn't naked anymore. Ugh. What if Cas was wearing _his underwear?_ Augh! No! What if he _wasn't_ wearing his underwear and Cas's _junk_ was touching his _jeans?_ He'd have to burn them.

Dean grumbled annoyed while he grabbed one of the chairs from the table- there were two full bottles beside the two empties on the table- and pulled it up in front of Cas. He sat down and set the first aid kit on his lap. He motioned for Cas to straighten out his leg. "Lemme see."

Cas squinted at Dean. What was Dean up to? Why didn't he sound angry? Dean was always angry with him, it didn't matter what time he was from. He slowly- and cautiously- extended his leg out.

Dean grabbed Cas's ankle and grimaced because feet were gross and Cas feet were even grosser. Bloody Cas feet ranked up there with witches. He looked up at Cas who was still clutching half a bottle of that Everclear shit to his chest, "Gimme that."

Cas passed Dean the bottle.

Dean sniffed at it and took a small fortifying sip, barely enough to wet his lips. Cas might be able to drink it like it was going out of style but 151 proof would knock him on his ass and he wasn't embarrassed to admit that. He pulled a face at the _burn your tongue with alcohol_ taste. How did Cas drink this stuff? He rested the bottle on his leg, keeping it steady with one hand, then peeled the bloody kleenex off Cas's foot. Before Cas could tense up he doused it in liquor.

" _Fuck!"_ Cas snarled. He knew he should have been more suspicious of Dean not sounding angry.

"Serves you right." Dean said inspecting the cut. Jesus fucking christ that was a huge gash. He poured another slug of booze on it. Cas's foot jerked in his lap. He held him still and peered down at Cas's heel. He could see a piece of opaque white glass sticking out. He motioned for the tweezers. He gave the bottle back to Cas. Cas was gonna need it. He clenched Cas's leg between his knees, foot sticking up, and had the tweezers on the glass before he paused. He looked up at Cas seriously, "Don't you dare kick me in the balls when I pull this out."

Cas nodded. He took a gulp of Everclear and braced himself.

Dean grabbed the glass with the tweezers and drew it out. His eyes went wide as the glass seemed to grow longer and longer. Holy shit. This was a good one. When he had it out he was holding three inches of bloody glass. Blood gushed out of the wound. Dean grabbed the bloody kleenexes from before and pressed them back against Cas's foot. "Dude. This is a deep one and it's bleeding pretty bad. Like, maybe we should take you to a hospital for a blood transfusion and a tetanus shot bad."

" _No! No fucking hospitals."_ Cas growled. He couldn't go to a _hospital_.[ People just got torn up in hospitals](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6967202). Horrible terrible things happened in hospitals. He wasn't going to a hospital. "Just stitch it up. I'll be fine. I don't get sick."

Dean blinked at him surprised. He looked Cas over. He didn't look any paler than usual. He shrugged. There was some penicillin in the first aid kit that probably wasn't expired and he'd do his best to stitch Cas up. If it wasn't enough he'd just haul his drunk ass to a hospital when he passed out from blood loss. "Fine."

"It's always something." Cas grumbled. His fucking feet were traitors. They were always breaking. Fuck human bodies. He snorted in laughter. Fuck human bodies? Well, there was a good idea. _If only_. He glanced at Dean then took another sip from the bottle. He sighed and watched Dean pick through the first aid kit. If Dean hadn't made him leave- hadn't tossed him through time with a spell- he wouldn't be hurting like this right now. This was all Dean's fault. He glowered at Dean, "Fuck you for doing this to me."

Dean didn't say anything so Cas huffed out an agitated breath and went on, "You write a stupid fucking note with **_that_** in it and you send everyone else out to die-" He snorted at that. He hadn't even been good enough to _die_ with Dean, "-and you tell me you're **_sorry_** _?_ As if that would make-" Cas took an angry sip of Everclear. He made a disgusted noise and shook his head, "-and then you send me **here**. _Alone_."

Dean didn't bother to answer. Cas was drunk as a skunk and he knew Cas wasn't really talking about him anyway. Well not exactly. He kept his eyes on the needle he was trying to thread and tried not to think about that _send everyone to die_ comment. Was killing Zach Warren just the start of him getting people killed? Was that how it started? He'd get a bunch of people killed, start screwing Cas, and then bang: apocalypse?

When Dean didn't answer Cas made an angry noise deep in his throat and gave Dean a kick.

"Hey!" Dean dropped the needle into the metal lunch box and nearly sent the whole thing flying while he tried to protect his balls from Cas. He glowered at that drunk asshole, "You fucking try that again and you can stitch _yourself_ the fuck back up!"

Cas scowled at Dean before his shoulders sagged and he shrunk into himself. He rolled the bottle around in his hands, his head hung low. This Dean didn't know he was supposed to kick back. He muttered at the bottle, "I'm sorry."

Dean glared at him for a moment before picking the needle back up. He took the bottle off Cas again. He poured some liquor over the needle then dug around in the first aid kit for a lighter. He flamed off the booze. He looked the needle over. Good enough. He poured some more booze on Cas's foot- Cas didn't flinch this time- and checked to make sure there wasn't more glass jammed in there. Everything looked good. He started stitching Cas up.

"........you're not alone." Dean said once he got the needle work started. He realized how that might sound- especially to a drunk- and lamely added, "I mean, Sam and Jess..."

"I'm _alone_." Cas said plaintively, "I'm afraid. I'm alone. I'm three million light years from home."

Dean rolled his eyes, "Right. So who's stitching up your foot E.T. if you're all alone?"

Cas swallowed down the last of the bottle. He let out a long sad sigh. "Why do you keep _leaving?"_

Dean did some sighing himself and shook his head. "Dude, you got the _wrong_ person."

"...I wish I did." Cas said staring at the empty bottle. He felt like the bottle. Empty inside. He kept his eyes on it. "Do you realize how fucking _hard_ it is to watch you walk around?"

Dean kept quiet because Cas was starting to sound like he thought it was drunk confessions time and he did **_not_** want to encourage that. He grabbed a few new kleenexes and mopped up the blood that was still welling up. He glanced down at Cas's other foot. The pool of blood wasn't getting any bigger. The other foot must not be as bad.

"You're wearing _his_ face and you don't fucking know who I am." Cas said, his voice cracking at those last words. He really needed another drink. He should have been well on his way to not caring at this point but that was all he was doing. _Caring_ about things. It was horrible. "The things I've done to keep you alive....and....and you don't even know me."

Dean glanced up at the waver in Cas's voice. Oh no. Not this again. Once was enough. Cas was like.... ** _forty_**. Forty year old guys didn't fucking break down and _cry_ in crappy motel rooms while they were getting their foot stitched back together, "Aw, come on. Don't start that again. There's no crying in baseball."

Cas blinked back tears. He rubbed the heel of his palm into each eye, wiping the away the tears that threatened. He set his jaw and nodded fiercely. "Even if Rogers Hornsby calls you a talking pile of pig shit."

"Exactly." Dean said. He finished stitching up the big gash and looked over Cas's foot. There were a few other lacerations that looked like they might need a stitch or two. He glanced up at Cas when he started making grabby hands at the table. Dean turned around to look. Oh right. The two full bottles. He looked back to Cas's foot, "I think you had enough."

Cas's lips pulled back in disgust. He could still think straight– mostly. That wasn't enough. He pulled his foot out of Dean's grasp and limped over to the table. He hissed at each step. He grabbed a full bottle and hissed at each step back to the bed. He sat down and swung his leg back up into Dean's lap. He pulled the cap off the bottle and flicked it across the room. There was no point in keeping the cap if he was going find the bottom.

Dean watched disgusted as Cas chugged a quarter of the bottle. This was fucking ridiculous. He couldn't have someone like this tagging along with him on hunts. Cas had gotten bashed on the head by a demon before the prize fight even got started. ....though....that was _kinda_ his fault, wasn't it? He had been the one to give Cas the Vicodin. Sure, there was no reason Cas had to go and take a third of it at once but he should have known something like that would happen. Jesus fucking christ. This was exactly like Cas taking all the fucking Valium when they had dealt with that ghost in Jericho. His eyes flicked up at Cas. They never did end up having that so called no pressure friendly chat. Dean started stitching up the smaller cuts. "We gotta talk."

"No getting stoned or drunk on a hunt. Quit staring. No driving the car. Don't be touchy. Don't smoke in the car." Cas rattled off. He had tried to follow Dean's rules. He knew Dean liked his rules and he knew the consequences of breaking them. And yet....he always broke them didn't he? Then Dean would leave and he'd be a wreck. He'd try harder this time. He took another drink. Tomorrow. He'd try harder tomorrow. He'd even make sure to eat. .....and then maybe Dean wouldn't leave this time.

"What?" Dean asked perplexed.

"You wanted to talk. About the rules, right?" Cas said. He tapped his temple with the hand holding the Everclear, sloshing the liquid in the bottle and spilling it onto the floor, "I remember them. You have a lot more rules then..." Cas frowned and gulped down some more Everclear. He'd definitely try harder tomorrow. Not tonight. There was too much going through his head tonight.

Dean shook his head. Jesus christ Cas was fucking _wasted_ even if he didn't slur his words. He grabbed the tweezers back up and picked some gravel and glass out of Cas's foot. "What _happened_ today? I mean, you drink a lot but you're not usually all..." Dean waved a hand at the hot mess that was Cas tonight, "You know?"

Cas rotated that bottle in his hands, ".....I thought you left. For good."

"Dude, I told you I was coming back." Dean said. He looked over his work. It wasn't pretty looking but it'd have to do. He grabbed a sterile pad and started taping it on, "I spent a half hour this morning trying to get your lazy ass out of bed."

Cas looked up surprised. "But.....you took all your stuff."

"Ah, _yeah_. Because last time you took a bunch of pills you tried to shoot me." Dean said. As if he'd make that mistake again. He looked at the bandage job he had done. There was another _good enough_. He motioned for Cas's other foot. "And I knew you'd go through my stuff if I left my bag. You kinda suck at boundaries man."

"I'm sorry I tried to shoot you before." Cas winced when Dean peeled the bloody kleenex away from his foot. The bleeding had slowed and the kleenex had started to cake into the coagulating blood. "But you always get so _mad_ if I ask questions. Shoot first. Don't ask questions ....Han shot first. He didn't ask questions."

Dean flinched. He had thought almost that exact same thing earlier in the day. Was that what he'd start telling people? Just shoot? Fucking hell, what was wrong with future him? ....and what kind of world was he going to live in where that was normal? His mind drifted back to that night Cas had freaked out over Jess's kid brother's movie. He shivered. Cas _had_ to be exaggerating. Why would the devil want a zombie apocalypse if they could get good old fashioned demons to do their killing?

Cas's eyes whipped up from the bottle as soon as he saw that flinch and shiver, "What's wrong?"

"Huh?" Dean asked. He plucked the bottle from Cas's hands and poured some onto his other foot. The room was gonna stink like a bar by the time they were done.

"You've been acting strange since last night." Cas said seriously. He squinted hard at Dean, "I don't like it."

Dean let out a breathy laugh and handed the bottle back to Cas. Cas didn't like it? Well that was great for him. He didn't have to _live_ with it. Cas might as well get in line, because he didn't like it either.

" _Well?"_ Cas demanded. He hated not knowing Dean. He took a long sip from the bottle. "How am I supposed to fix it if you don't tell me? _Tell me_ Dean."

Dean scrubbed a hand over his face. Another near silent laugh escaped him. He had been ready to ditch Cas as soon as he had finished punching him in the face just last night and now he was stitching his feet up and Cas wanted to have a heart to heart. What the fuck? No, seriously, _what the fuck?_ He shook his head. Fuck it. Cas probably wouldn't remember a word of it tomorrow. "Well since we're doing this slumber party confessions night, I killed that demon but...well....there was a _person_ inside." Dean frowned at Cas's foot. Saying it out loud made it all the more real, "A human. You know? Sam's friend. And from what you've said, he was probably scared shitless and..." His nostrils flared in anger. _What was he **supposed** to do about it?_ It had been him or the demon. He shrugged, "So it goes."

Cas's eyes went wide. Dean was upset about killing _the host?_ That was what Dean had been stewing over? The host? He stared at the man sitting in front of him.

"What?" Dean asked suspiciously, "Got something against Vonnegut?"

"No. I just didn't think....by the time I met you....you weren't so...." Cas searched for the word, "Innocent."

"Innocent?" Dean shook his head thinking about all the times he had failed Dad or Sam or screwed up on a hunt and let the monster get away, "Dude, if I'm innocent I'd hate to see what your definition of guilty is."

A sad smile crept onto Cas's face. He swept a hand down himself. If anyone was guilty it was him. "Right in front of you."

Dean eyes flicked over Cas's arm and chest at the movement. He quickly looked away. The conversation died out. Dean shifted uncomfortably. This was getting weird. Cas was half naked and they were in a dive of a motel room that was quickly starting to smell like the floor of a bar and Cas wanted him to spill his guts. The silence dragged on. Dean searched for something to talk about that wasn't him. He nodded his head at Cas's arms, "So what's with the scars?"

Cas looked down himself, "Which ones?"

"The bites. Some chick have a bite fetish?" Dean joked. He wrinkled his nose when he realized what he said. It wouldn't be some _chick_. Cas screwed dudes. What if _he_ had done it? What if _he_ had the bite fetish? Ugh. Future him had some explaining to do. What had future him seen in Cas anyway? He doubted it was Cas's winning personality.

"No...." Cas rubbed a thumb over one of the bites. He didn't look up at Dean. He didn't want to see that _you're not human_ look. Everyone got that look when they saw those scars. He hated it. It was why he layered up, long sleeves even during sex so the others wouldn't flinch away. "No...[it was a croat](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/6967262)."

Dean nodded as he finished stitching up Cas's other foot– this one hadn't been so bad. Cas had dropped that word a few times now. He had put it together that croat meant cheesy fast zombie....probably wasn't cheesy if it was after you. "So shouldn't you be snacking on brains instead of waking me up in the middle of the night drunk and naked and bloody?"

"I should have but...I guess I'm not human enough. Not quite an angel, not quite a human. Still a general piece of crap. I'm the thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end." Cas said. He ran his free hand over his arm. God, he hated those scars; always reminding him he wasn't like the others. Not quite good enough to be human. He frowned at the scars and sighed, "I think God is punishing me for my disobedience, to live when I shouldn't."

Dean didn't say anything. He didn't want to encourage Cas to get all teary-eyed and sulky again. He put on a last piece of tape on the bandage and motioned for Cas to get his foot the hell off him. He sifted through the first aid kit for some antibiotics. He found the aspirin container with the label scribbled out and opened it up. He slapped two tablets of penicillin into Cas's hand.

Cas looked down to his palm. He narrowed his eyes at the pills.

"It's penicillin." Dean said as he packed the first aid kit away and tossed it on the table beside the forgotten take out.

Cas stuck his hand back out. He shook his head. "I don't need them. I don't get sick. Keep them for you."

"Just take the damn pills." Dean said. He grabbed the paper bag of take out and tossed it at Cas, "Eat something. I didn't see you eat a damn thing yesterday and I doubt you ate today. And liquor doesn't count."

Dean didn't wait for Cas to answer. Instead he stuck his boots on then dug through his bag for a flashlight and a clean pair of sleep pants and headed to the bathroom. He wanted to eat but he had blood all over his hands and had been touching gross Cas feet. He turned the flashlight on and shined it down at the floor. There was blood, water, and broken glass everywhere.

"Jesus christ, you drunk hippy asshole." Dean muttered. He stepped into the bathroom. The glass crunched under his boots. He set the flashlight down on the counter and got to scrubbing his hands. He glanced up at the broken light. ....had that been Cas? He frowned at the light. Maybe he was remembering it wrong? Had the light broken before or after Cas had slammed the door?

He curled his lip in mild disgust as he did a balancing act in order to shuck his bloody and booze soaked sleep pants and not touch the floor. He pulled on the clean pants and looked up at the light. It had definitely been before. Cas had gotten all pissy and the light had started to flicker and then explode. He shook his head. What the hell was he thinking? Drunk hippy assholes didn't make lights explode. He scowled at the broken light fixture. ....but the light had flickered when Cas had freaked out about that movie too.

He shone the light on the floor and spied Cas's clothes. He scooped them up and carried them out. He tossed them on the dresser. "Hey." Dean said. He jerked his thumb back towards the bathroom, "Was that you that busted the light in there or are we haunted?"

Cas stared down at the paper bag of take out that he hadn't opened yet. He nodded, "My grace...flares up occasionally. Not enough to be useful though, just enough to break things and make everyone's life harder."

Dean eyed him suspiciously. All Cas had really said about his 'grace' was that he could make pointy things out of it. He thought about that note he hadn't seen in weeks. He didn't know where Cas kept it. Was that what future him meant by getting a power up? He'd start busting the lights out everywhere he went? That would get expensive real fast. He grabbed the bag of take out off of Cas and sat down at the table. He opened it up and tossed the first burger over to Cas, "Eat."

Cas caught the burger and picked at the edges of the foil paper. Following simple orders, it should make his grace content, angels were made for orders but....eating? Eating was a human thing and he wasn't human. He had the scars to prove it. He'd never be human enough for Dean. He drained the last of the bottle. He eyed the remaining one on the table.

"Don't even think about it." Dean said seeing that drunk _just one more_ look. Cas glared at him. He stared Cas down until the drunk turned his head down and started opening up his burger. Dean took a bite of his own burger and started chewing, "So what the hell is grace anyway? 'sides something you make pocket knives with."

"You have a soul. I have grace." Cas said. He took a dejected bite of food. Maybe he _would_ try harder tonight but he wasn't going to like it.

"So grace is a soul." Dean said.

"Not really. You can't destroy a soul." Cas said through a mouthful of burger. He swallowed. He looked down at his arms. They used to be his vessel's arms but now they were his, "But grace...you can tear grace apart...let it drain away."

"Alright, don't start getting all woe is me." Dean said waving his hand. He didn't want to know _that_ badly, "Had to share my pie last time."

Dean watched out of the corner of his eye as Cas ate like a sulking five year kid that didn't want to finish his vegetables. No wonder Cas was a scrawny bastard. He wouldn't even eat _hamburgers_. Dude was messed up.

He waited for Cas to finish the hamburger- eating Cas's fries in the meantime- before getting up and going to the other bed. He had half-heartedly debated with himself on telling Cas to get the hell off his bed but had decided that he didn't really want to have to manhandle the guy his future self had apparently been fucking into bed.

Cas pulled his legs up onto the bed and watched Dean get under the covers of the other one. He was already breaking Dean's rules: quit staring.

"Alright time to go the fuck to bed." Dean said when he caught Cas staring at him. They had another stare down until Cas finally stretched out on the bed. Fucking hell, it was like arguing with Sam when he had been a bratty pipsqueak. Dean shook his head and reached for his gun on the bedside table. He stuffed it under his pillow, "I'm too fucking old for this."

Cas chuckled softly into the bedspread that smelt like Dean and cheap laundry detergent, "You're twenty six."

Dean turned the light out, "Yeah, well at least I'm not an old man like you."

Cas snorted with laughter.

"What?" Dean asked warily. He could still just make out the dark shape that was Cas shaking on the other bed.

Cas tried to lick his lips through the drunk grin on his face and the laughter, "There aren't any other old men like me. I'm roughly three billion years old." He laughed again. "I guess that's the definition of cradle robbing."

"You are so fucking weird." Dean said. He rolled over and tried to ignore Cas's quiet laughter in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References  
> Cas was misquoting Bring It On Home - Led Zeppelin. From the album Led Zeppelin II of course.  
> "Life was pain." The Princess Bride (1987) though the exact quote is "Life is pain, highness."  
> "Just lucky, I guess." Hocus Pocus (1993)  
> Cas misquotes the tagline for E.T. (1982) "He is afraid. He is totally alone. He is 3 million light years from home."  
> No crying and Rogers Hornsby are from League of their Own (1992)  
> Starwars (1977). Han totally shot first.  
> "The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end" is the tagline from Terminator (1984)


	16. Old habits die hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you mean, just stop?" Dean said.
> 
> "I mean stop. Stop hunting." Sam said. He motioned towards the parking lot outside, "If that list and what Cas says is true, you and Dad selling your souls? It's because we keep hunting. Because we can't let anything go. We get wrapped up in trying to avenge Mom and‒ and Jess and we screw up and start the apocalypse. So maybe we should just...just quit while we're ahead."

Dragging Cas out of that motel room before checkout had been painful. Dean had finally gotten to see hung over Cas, though he wasn't sure if that was the drinking, the pills, or some girly emotional hangover. Mostly it involved Cas refusing to move. Dean had gotten fed up with it and grabbed the blankets Cas was sleeping on top of and dragged them and him right off the bed. It was the beginning of his morning of payback for last night.

The fact that he was doing their combined laundry from last night after a morning of dealing with the hung over hippy should have pissed him off but Cas was sitting in a crappy plastic laundromat chair with his head in his hands whimpering in time to the rattling washing machine at the end of the row. Dean poured the soap into the machine then let the lid slam closed. Cas winced and groaned. Dean grinned. Revenge was sweet. Maybe he'd toss some pennies into a dryer later.

Cas dragged his head up out of his hands to glower at Dean.

"Don't look at me like that." Dean said. He grabbed the book he had _'borrowed'_ from Rebecca's place and plunked down two chairs away from Cas. "I didn't make you drink that sixth bottle of rubbing alcohol."

Cas glowered at him. "No but you won't let me take the Vicodin for the hangover."

"Because you're a jackass when you're high on it." Dean said flipping through the book to where he had left off.

Cas narrowed his eyes at him, "I could just take it off you, you know."

Dean shrugged, "Go ahead."

Cas studied him for a moment before sighing and turning away. He stuck his head back in his hands. He really hated this whole trying harder thing he had talked himself into but....the alternative meant he'd probably drive Dean away and now, 2005, Dean really could leave. He had known that before but last night he had really thought it had happened and he couldn't go through that again. _He couldn't._ Even when things had finally completely broken down between them during the Apocalypse they had still needed each other to stay alive. His Dean could give him the cold shoulder but he couldn't _really_ leave him. His Dean had been stuck with him whether he liked it or not....right up until he had booted him back to 2005.

Cas tried to put his Dean based worries out of his head- it only made the headache worse- and massaged his temples. He knew exactly what he needed to take for this but he couldn't get it. Wasn't that funny? He was in a time of abundance and couldn't get something. The Apocalypse was so much easier. The irony of that was not lost on him but it was true, there was a simplicity to the Apocalypse. He knew how to support himself and others then. He knew where he fit in. He knew his job. He was a soldier. What was he here and now? What did Dean need him to be? He had to make a concentrated effort to not glance over at Dean for an answer. He almost laughed. Wasn't that pathetic? He couldn't go two minutes without worrying about Dean.

Dean ran his eyes over the page of the book but didn't read a word of it. He was waiting for Cas to make a scene over the Vicodin but the longer he waited the more he was starting to think maybe Cas really was just going to sit quietly and not bother him for once. They must have passed into the Twilight Zone while he wasn't looking.

Dean took a quick sideways glance at Cas. Yep, still sitting quietly and not saying anything. ....that was really weird. He stared down at the book, his eyebrows drew together. Maybe thinking he'd been ditched had finally knocked some sense into him? Was that really all he had to do this whole time to get Cas under control? Leave him alone? Talking about faith, suits, and ties had obviously gotten to him a bit and using his whole name had freaked him out but none of those things had made him shut up and quit being an asshole. That was good, right? If he really wasn't gonna stick Cas on that bus to Alaska....freakin' hell....was he actually gonna let Cas stick around just because he was useful one night?

Fuck. Yeah, he was gonna let Cas stick around. For now. Dean glared down at the book. He knew Cas was monumentally screwed up. He'd known that since he fell out of a closet and took a bunch of pills and him freaking out last night because he thought he had been left behind just confirmed that. But the dude had a knife that could kill demons and a list to stop the apocalypse that was apparently about to come crashing down around them (and good taste in music) and as much as he hated to admit it, Cas had actually pulled his weight digging the grave the other night. Cas was still an asshole but.....well....weren't all hunters kind of dicks anyway?

He side-eyed Cas. .....Cas didn't call himself a hunter, he called himself an angel (parts of one). What did that even mean? Harps and halos? He snorted at the book. Yeah right. Cas playing a harp on some fluffy cloud, that was totally believable, right up there with unicorns. If Cas was on a cloud it was because he was smoking up. He had almost fallen for that angel story when Cas first tumbled out of Narnia but the more Cas hung around the more he thought it was utter bullshit. What kind of angel smoked and drank and popped pills?

Dean flipped a page in the book as he ran over the last month in his head. Cas falling out of the closet was strange, that screamed witch or magic at least, but it didn't mean Cas wasn't human. Outdoing every major band in the last 30 years on the drugs and booze front (even the dead ones) was impressive but if a certain doctor of journalism could do it he didn't see how that supported Cas's angel claims. Having a blade that killed demons didn't make Cas anything special, it just made the knife special. He had used it and he hadn't magically turned into an angel.

He shifted uncomfortably in the plastic chair. Really, it was the busted light back at that motel that bothered him. _Demons_ messed with electrical fields. But Cas had walked through tons of devil's traps and made holy water and said christo a million times. Cas couldn't be a demon. And he was obviously not a ghost. He was going to have to look into this whole angel thing....or maybe get Sam to look into it. Sam was always the smart one when it came to stuff like that.

"What did I do now?" Cas asked wearily when Dean gave him another sideways glare. He knew he'd fail at following the rules. He didn't even know which one he had broken this time but it was obvious he had done something; Dean was looking at him.

Dean closed the book. He wasn't reading anyway. "I'm gonna go get breakfast."

Cas jerked his head up‒ which was a huge mistake. His head throbbed. He squeezed his eyes shut as the throbbing passed. He would almost swear that his headache was getting worse as the morning went on.

Dean rolled his eyes when Cas slowly turned his head and gave him the biggest saddest kicked puppy look he had seen on anyone other than Sam. He gave an annoyed huff, "I'm not leaving you behind in the laundromat like a box of kittens."

Cas's heart started beating in panic. Dear god that was pitiful. Dean was just going to get breakfast and he had _just said_ he wasn't leaving him behind. ....but Dean could be lying. Dean lied (a lot). What if he _did_ leave?

Dean rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Fucking hell. Was he going to have to babysit Cas between chasing demons and digging graves? God, he hoped Cas didn't have another meltdown in the laundromat. That was all he needed. Well at least he knew how to head that one off. He started digging out his car keys, "You'd be one hell of an ugly kitten anyway." He tossed Cas the keys, "Like, one of the ones with the mashed up faces."

Cas caught the keys and stared at them in his hand.

"Make sure no one steals our stuff." Dean said already heading for the door, "And don't you dare take my baby for a joy ride."

Cas stared at the door and watched Dean walk across the street to a small breakfast place. He looked back to the keys in his hands confused. Had Dean just....?

He shoved the keys in his pocket with the ring and amulet. He grabbed everything: keys, amulet, and ring and squeezed them tight. Alright. He'd sit and wait. Dean would be back. Dean wouldn't abandon his car‒ not yet.

Cas let out a long breath of relief exactly 17 minutes later- he counted- when Dean sauntered back in. Cas released his grip on the handful of metal in his pocket. That had been 17 minutes to work himself up that maybe Dean really _would_ abandon the car and then berate himself for panicking about nothing. It was exhausting and that headache still hadn't gotten any better.

Dean made a thoroughly unimpressed face at the way Cas was staring at him. He stopped a few feet away from Cas and dropped one of the two wrapped up breakfast burritos he was carrying onto the chair beside Cas. He had just bought two of the kind he liked figuring Cas probably wouldn't eat his anyway which meant he'd get a second helping later on. Might as well be something he liked, right?

Cas glanced down at the wrapped up grease masquerading as breakfast. He looked back to Dean. This was the perfect opportunity to make a comment about greasy meat and dick shaped food. He jammed his hand into his pocket and pulled out the car keys. He held them out and kept quiet.

Dean snatched the keys off Cas and tucked them into his jacket pocket. He shifted the other breakfast burrito to his other hand to pull out a handful of peanut butter and jam packets from his pocket. Cas probably wouldn't eat real breakfast. The single serving packets were really the only thing Dean saw him eat consistently and they were free, so whatever, Cas could keep on eating them if he wanted. It just meant more food for him. He dropped them down on the chair then sat down.

Cas stared.

Dean shrugged. It wasn't his fault Cas was weird. Normal people ate breakfast burritos not a one inch square of jam. He unwrapped his breakfast and took a bite. Cas was still staring at him all bug-eyed. "What?"

"...nothing." Cas said. He watched Dean eat for a moment more before grabbing the breakfast burrito. He unwrapped it and started eating. [He was trying harder](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/7048244).

\---

"Where's Cas?" Sam asked as Dean pushed past him into the hotel room. "You didn't let him have that bottle of Vicodin again did you?"

"No." Dean scoffed. He waved towards the window, "He's hiding out in the car. The dude got all weird again last night."

"Weird? Weird how?" Sam asked closing the door.

"Jericho weird but with less hugging. Thank god for that." Dean said. He looked around the room and nodded with approval. Sam was still putting down salt lines even if the demon was dead. It was never a bad thing to keep up good habits. "Where's Jess?"

"The hospital with Rebecca." Sam said. He glanced over at his phone to see if she had texted but except for a few clipped sentences this morning she hadn't said much to him after last night's argument about why keeping people safe meant keeping them in the dark about the supernatural. "She's...ah...."

Dean looked Sam up and down then glanced over to the beds. **Bed _s_** being the key word. There were two and both looked slept in. "Trouble in paradise, huh?"

"Yeah.....ummm....." Sam scratched at his forehead. Shit. How did he tell Dean to screw off and find his own motel? He doubted Jess would take the last two days any better with Dean around. He grimaced, "It would probably be better if you...ah...weren't here when she got back."

Dean sucked in a breath. Right. Because he had killed their friend. Fuck. He had been keeping himself busy all morning so he wouldn't have to think about that. "....yeah."

"So where've you been all morning anyway?" Sam said changing the subject. For once he agreed with Dean about not talking about it. He didn't really have a good way of saying Jess isn't really mad with you but she sort of is because Zach's dead and Rebecca's in the hospital and everything was nice and normal until you showed up....and that kind of sounded like he was projecting his problems onto Jess.

Dean ducked his head down so he wouldn't have to look at Sam and see that guilt mixed up with pity and accusation. He reached into his jacket for the folded up papers, "Storage locker." He offered the folded up papers to Sam, "Grabbed some cash and that stuff about San Diego."

"The mystery heart stoppings?" Sam took the papers and unfolded them. It was the newspaper clippings and the list of town names with San Diego circled twice.

"Yeah. I figure if Dad's tracking _the_ demon then he'd probably go check out that San Diego case first just to make sure it's not something dangerous." Dean said. He pulled a chair out at the table and sat down.

"Why do you think he'd go to San Diego? There were tons of towns he had files on." Sam asked. His eyebrows drew together. He tossed the papers down on the table and sat across from Dean.

Dean jerked his head back and shrugged in disbelief, "Uh, 'cause **you're** _here_. If it was something bad he'd want to check it out."

"Oh right. Dad would be _so_ concerned." Sam let out a breathy sarcastic laugh before he could stop it. Shit. He might as well tell Dean he thought the impala sucked.

Dean's eyebrows drew together, "What's _that_ supposed to mean? You don't think he cares what happens to you?"

Sam sighed. How did they always ended up arguing when either of them brought up Dad? Wait, he knew, because it was _Dad_. He took a deep breath and tried to school his voice into a placating tone, "Okay, let's say he's in San Diego. Then what?"

"Then we go find him and tell him that we found something that can kill the demon that got Mom." Dean said. He grabbed the papers off the table and tried not to think about how that _thing_ was also the thing he used to kill a demon wearing Sam's friend. "And we tell him about Cas and that list and try to figure out how to stop that apocalypse that Cas keeps talking about."

"You ever think that maybe the way to stop it is to just _stop?"_ Sam said earnestly.

"What do you mean, just _stop?"_ Dean said.

"I mean _stop_. Stop hunting." Sam said. He motioned towards the parking lot outside, "If that list and what Cas says is true, you and Dad selling your souls? It's because we keep hunting. Because we can't let anything go. We get wrapped up in trying to avenge Mom and‒ and _Jess_ and we screw up and start the apocalypse. So maybe we should just...just _quit_ while we're ahead."

Dean screwed his face up in disgust, "Monsters don't just _quit_ and I doubt a demon is gonna give us a free pass if we just say, oh hey, sorry, we're sitting this one out."

"Dean..." Sam sighed. How did he get it through to Dean that he was out? And that maybe he should be too? Maybe they all should be?

"Oh, don't do the sighing and name saying." Dean said annoyed. He shoved away from the table and got up. He licked at his lips nervously, "Look, you've got almost a week off school still, just come with me to San Diego. You don't even have to do anything shady. Just run research. I'll get all the leg work done."

"No." Sam said firmly. He may have practiced that a few times this morning. He had figured Dean would probably keep trying to drag him back into hunting even though he had told him over and over he was out once Jess was safe. Now she was, so he was out.

"No?" Dean repeated. "Dad could—"

"Cas said Dad is fine." Sam cut off. Cas might not know where Dad was but he was inclined to believe that Dad was okay. Dad was always okay and Cas had known that Jess was in danger, so why couldn't he know that Dad _wasn't?_

"Oh, so we're just gonna believe the guy that's drunk all the time? The dude is probably having acid flashbacks half the time." Dean said. He was about to argue more ...except Cas had said he hadn't done acid. So those times Cas had gotten all weird probably weren't _acid_ flashbacks, they were _apocalypse_ flashbacks; the Devil, fast zombies, and some asshole future version of himself that ditched Sam.

"I thought that's what we were doing? Believing Cas? He was right about the demon after Jess." Sam said staring up at Dean. "And it would be pretty hard to duplicate your amulet and that picture looked real."

Dean frowned at the floor as his thoughts all ran together. Something Cas had said weeks ago had just reared its ugly head in his mind. Sure the apocalypse had the Devil and fast zombies but Cas had said....Cas had said the Devil was going to possess _Sam_. He had almost completely forgotten about it because it _wasn't_ happening. He had just made sure that Cas wouldn't tell Sam then he had gone on his merry way to hunt a ghost. But if they were believing Cas, because like Sam said he was right about Jess and he had his amulet, then.... He looked up at Sam. What if the only reason Sam got possessed by the _freakin' Devil himself_ was because _he_ dragged Sam back into hunting? What if _he_ put Sam in harm's way and brought all that demonic attention to him all because he wouldn't go find Dad on his own?

"What?" Sam asked worried. What the hell was going on with Dean? He leaned forward towards his brother, "You okay? You look like someone just walked over your grave."

"Ah...yeah....ah..." Dean scrambled for something to say. He couldn't tell Sam he was supposed to be the Devil's prom dress. He was supposed to protect him from that kind of stuff not drag him into it, "Ah, about Cas. He busted a light last night."

"What?" Sam asked now thoroughly confused. Why the hell was Dean getting all weird and cagey about Cas breaking something?

"Not like smashed it. I mean, he got all worked up and it just sorta...." Dean shrugged, " _Burst._ Poltergeist kind of burst."

Sam shook his head and said it again, " _What?_ Are you saying you think Cas is haunted or possessed or something?"

"Or something." Dean muttered. He shot a look at the door, "Look, I'm gonna head to San Diego and see if Dad blew through town. I need you to check out stuff about angels while I'm there."

"Angels?" Sam said. He knew Cas kept claiming to be one and maybe he was if he had a knife that could kill demons but he had thought they had all just come to the unspoken agreement that Cas wasn't the most stable person; even if he was right about the demon after Jess. "So...we're finally checking out Cas's angel story? I mean....that's....time travel....." Okay when he actually said it out loud a time travelling stranger, even a human one, seemed more likely than alcoholic angel. His eyebrows furrowed. He looked back to Dean, "....wait, why are you just letting this whole come with me to San Diego thing go?"

Dean shrugged and started spinning lies, "I dunno, guess you're right. Dad's probably not even there, it's probably just a case."

Sam's eyebrows went up. Okay, now he was worried _Dean_ was the one possessed. He got up and headed for his bag. No way was he letting Dean act all weird and then take off on his own, "I'm coming."

"What? Nooo." Dean said gesturing wildly with his hands, "It's probably not even a case. Just two strokes or something. You know strokes are one of the most common causes of death."

Sam's phone rang.

Dean glanced at the table, "You should get that, it's probably Jess."

Sam pressed his lips together. He knew Dean was going to dodge out of the room the moment he went for the phone but he also knew that Jess wouldn't phone him today unless it was really important and it probably _was_ Jess. He looked between Dean and the phone for a few more seconds before sighing. He hadn't even answered it before Dean was darting out the door and racing down the hall.

Sam rolled his eyes. He picked up his phone. It was Jess. "Hey. What's up?"

"Rebecca woke up."

\---

Cas jumped when Dean tore the door open and slammed it shut. He winced. His headache still hadn't gone away, if anything it was worse. He looked towards the motel. No Sam. The entire point of the trip to Sam and Jess's motel was to persuade Sam, and Jess if she wanted to, to go with them to San Diego. Dean started the car up and tore out of the parking lot. Cas studied Dean's face. Dean wasn't angry, which he had entirely expected if Sam didn't come. Dean was....somewhere between fear and worried. "What happened?"

Dean turned the corner. He checked the rear view mirror absurdly worried that Sam was going to come running down the street after him.

"Dean?" Cas asked. He put a hand to his head. The sharp turns weren't helping the headache.

Dean licked at his lips. He kept his eyes straight ahead, "Does the Devil really get Sam?

"Yes." Cas squinted at Dean. Where had that come from?

"You're not lying, are you? About the apocalypse and me and Sam?" Dean demanded. How could Cas be lying though? He had _his_ ring and _his_ amulet. How else would Cas get any of those things except from him? And why would he send someone back in time to lie to himself? He wouldn't. It had to be true.

"No. I wouldn't lie about that." Cas said. He looked behind them in the direction of the hotel. What had they talked about to get Dean so agitated? How had this even come up? Dean had put a ban on saying anything about Sam being the Devil a month ago and he had stuck to it. "It goes down in May, two thousand and ten."

Dean nearly slammed on the brakes when he heard that. "But.....that's just over four years from now."

Cas shrugged. He hadn't exactly been hiding the fact that the Apocalypse was looming on the horizon. "And you've only got two and a half."

"What?" Dean asked clenching the stirring wheel tight. What if the whole apocalypse was his fault because he couldn't protect Sam?

"Until you go to Hell." Cas said quietly as his head throbbed. Two and a half years before he went to Hell to try and save Dean in time but failed. He glanced over at Dean and wished he had lied. Dean was looking at him like....well, like he had just been reminded he was going go to Hell if they weren't careful and that his brother would be the Devil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References  
> Narnia, it's _Narnia_. Spellcheck even knows what that is.  
>  "A certain doctor of journalism" Dean is referring to Hunter S. Thompson's Raoul Duke persona.


	17. If dicks had wings.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dude, you look like you lost a mean game of Jugger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was unplugged from our glorious electronic hive mind. It's okay though, I got better.

Dean couldn't sleep. Worrying about what had gone down with Zach Warren might as well be a freakin' lullaby when all he could think about now was the stuff Cas had talked about when he first crashed into his motel room. He hadn't really put two and two together until yesterday. Sam got possessed by the Devil because he went off to hunt on his own. He had thought at first, well, he'd just never let Sam do that. He'd stick with him. But what if Sam was right about him not hunting anymore? What if Sam staying out of hunting kept him away from demons and the Devil? Maybe Cas was right about future him wanting a normal life for Sam.

....but monsters didn't **care** if _you_ wanted a normal life and he doubted that the Devil would care either. Sam could tell himself over and over that he was just your average Joe Blow but he wasn't and it wouldn't matter anyway if there was something evil out there gunning for him. Look at what had happened to Mom. She hadn't known a thing about demons and one still got her. Pretending it didn't exist wouldn't keep anyone safe. What the hell was he going to do?

He angled his head up to check the time. 5:51am. Awesome. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes. He had slept for _maybe_ three hours. He sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. His forehead wrinkled in thought. Maybe those angels shouldn't have pulled _him_ out of Hell, maybe they should have pulled _Dad_ out of Hell instead. If anyone could keep an eye on Sam and make sure he didn't get possessed by the Devil it would be Dad. Jesus fucking Christ. _That_ was a great realization to wake up too. Real actual Angels of God pulled him out of real literal Hell to do one job, stop Sam from becoming the Devil and starting _The_ Apocalypse and he didn't just fail miserably, oh no, not Dean Winchester, he _let_ Sam go. Fuck.

"Well at least I get why future me sounds like a dick." Dean muttered to himself as he scrubbed his hand over his face. He started the whole damn apocalypse because he couldn't do the _one_ thing Dad had been telling him to do all his life, protect Sam.

"You really are. Especially this past year, though I may have a biased opinion on that. Now would you please shut up?"

Dean was surprised to hear Cas's voice coming from the table. He turned the bedside lamp on. He squinted against the light and looked over at the other bed. It hadn't been slept in. He turned back around. His lips peeled back in mild disgust and maybe a little pity upon seeing Cas sitting at the table. "Dude, you look like you lost a mean game of Jugger."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut tighter. He hadn't felt so bad in the dark but the combination of light and talking was not helping the headache he'd been nursing since yesterday and the bone deep ache that had been setting in all night. Had he finally fallen so far he was actually going to start getting multi-day hangovers? ...what if he was finally human enough to get sick? He should probably check on his cuts and stitches and ask Dean for that penicillin. "I feel about the same way too, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to be a dick and try to make some asinine point by being loud."

Dean licked his lips debating on whether Cas had suffered enough for being a colossal douchebag the past month or not. He shrugged to himself. It was too early to be getting revenge, maybe later, and it wouldn't be as satisfying while he was worried about Sam. He got up and went to the table where his bag was sitting. He motioned towards Cas as he dug through it. "So is this gonna be your thing now? You get all _emotional_ and cranky about things once a month?" He tossed his toiletry kit onto the table. It clattered. Cas winced. He grinned at the scowl he got. Okay maybe it wasn't _that_ early. He could get in some pre-breakfast revenge, "Pretty sure only girls are supposed to get that."

Cas glowered up at him, "You are an ass."

"Thought I was a dick?" Dean said smirking. He licked his lips and grinned, "At least I'm not the one with a two day hangover."

The glower intensified.

Dean didn't bother to stick around to listen to whatever it was that Cas started grumbling about and headed straight for the bathroom. He had learned that if he wanted to shower in a reasonable amount of time he had better get into the bathroom before Cas. He didn't want to know what the hippy did in there that took so long.

One crappy lukewarm motel shower later he came back out dressed and ready to start getting down to business and hopefully find a trace of Dad while he was at it. Cas on the other hand was sprawled half across the table with his head wrapped up in his arms. He felt kinda- maybe just a little- bad about it. On top of being hung over, Cas was probably crashing from all the Vicodin that _he_ had given to him when he knew damn well Cas had a problem with popping pills. Maybe that had been a bad move.

"What?" Cas asked, his forehead pressed against the cool table and his arms blocking out the light. He had heard Dean come out of the bathroom and then stop so he must be getting ready to either tell him off for something or do something loud and obnoxious.

"Nothing." Dean said. That was freakin' creepy. How had Cas known he was looking at him? Augh, that wasn't one of those gross _couple_ things he did with future him was it? Just _knowing_ where the other was? He might feel a bit bad about the Vicodin but he didn't feel bad enough to let Cas try and sneak in number twelve on the list. He shrugged it off and went over to grab his jacket. He took another look at Cas and decided it would be better to just go on his own and bring breakfast back. Cas looked like he was going to be a stubborn bastard about getting ready again.

Cas could still feel Dean looking at him. He was sure it was managing to make his headache worse. He pulled his head out from under his arms and looked over at Dean, "What?"

Dean couldn't help but laugh. Cas looked goddamned _terrible_. His hair was wild even for him, his eyes were squinting half shut but what he could see were bloodshot to hell and back, he had a sheen of drool down one side of his face, and the bags under his eyes made it look like someone had punched him in the face and given him matching shiners. Fucking hell. _That_ was what future him went gay for? Jesus Christ, he didn't exactly have high standards but future him obviously didn't have any (Cas was a _guy_ after all). He shook his head. Yeah, that was so not happening.

" _What?"_ Cas growled. If Dean wasn't going to complain then he should just let him die with his aches and pains on the crappy motel table in peace instead of staring all loud and judgementally and being an asshole who wouldn't let him have the last of the Vicodin.

Dean shook his head again and started for the door, "Can't say I get why future me would go play for the other team for _you,_ the asshole hippy that probably can't even spell moderation."

Cas attempted to scowl but couldn't work up the will power. He put his head back to the table- shifting over to find a new cool spot to try and sooth the pain pulsing in his forehead- and wrapped his arms back around his head. "You didn't and I can spell moderation just fine. I just don't care to do it."  

Dean froze with his hand on the doorknob. He turned an angry glare on Cas's back, "You've just been fucking with me about all the- the going **gay** for _you_ stuff this whole fucking time?"

Cas squeezed his arms tighter around his head. Why couldn't Dean just be quiet? Why was Dean so intent on him suffering no matter the time period?

Dean wasn't about to let him get away with just saying that and not explaining. If Cas had been lying about that he could be lying about everything. Jesus fucking Christ what if Cas had forged his handwriting in those notes and had somehow managed to _steal_ his ring and amulet? Dean moved closer to give Cas's leg a kick. " _Hey."_

Cas grumbled into his arms. He wasn't in the mood for this. He wasn't in the mood to do anything but sit and feel sorry for himself while his head pounded and worry that he might really be getting sick, "I never said you did it for me. You always played for [both teams](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/7364201). Now could you either shut up or turn the light off? Preferably both." 

Dean jerked back. What? .... _what?_ He.... ** _what_** _?_....it was one thing to be told he had that _one_ guy he'd go gay for. He figured _everyone_ probably had that one exception. He just didn't get why his would be the drug abusing hippy freak and not like— nope. He was not falling into the trap about thinking about celebrities he'd go gay for (a young Harrison Ford) because he wouldn't. He just....he just....figured if he didn't get with Cas that'd be it. He wouldn't have to....he wouldn't have to worry about.... _that._ Jesus fucking Christ, it was too goddamned early to have that kind of shit sprung on him.

"I'm getting breakfast." Dean said gruffly. It was too fucking early and— fuck. Why did Cas keep saying shit like that? Every time Cas opened his mouth it was to say something new that would get him all... an awkward shiver went through him. He gave his shoulders a shake. He yanked the motel room door open and headed out. He strode over to the car feeling haunted by some future him that would fail Sam and start the apocalypse and...just _be_ gay and not gay for Cas. He got in and sat down. He pulled the door closed. He wrapped his fingers around the steering wheel and stared at the hood of his car.

Seriously, why didn't even _future him_ believe him when he said he liked women? He hadn't been lying to himself when he had been with Cassie. He had really genuinely loved her. Sure she had stomped all over his heart but that didn't suddenly make a person gay. Lots of dudes got dumped by women and didn't swear them off. And she was _hot_ and he _still_ thought she was hot. He definitely didn't play for the other—

He glanced up at the motel room and stared.

 _Both_ teams?

\---

Sam jerked awake when his phone started ringing. He stared daggers at it. What the hell time was it?

"Gonna answer that?" Jess asked in the dark.

Sam fumbled around in the dark for his phone. His fingers brushed against it. He snatched it off the nightstand just as it rang again before answering it, "Hello?"

"Good. You're up."

"...Dean?" Sam rubbed at his face. He glanced over at the clock. It was just barely after 6:30am. He sat up and slouched down still not completely awake.

"No. Santa Clause."

"What happened?" Sam asked.

"Everything's fine. Just checking in."

Sam squinted one eye closed and gave his phone a severely unimpressed look that he hoped Dean could hear. Dean took off yesterday after acting all weird and then phoned at 6:30am because everything was _fine?_ They hadn't phoned each other for two years before last month and now Dean was checking up on him at 6:30 in the morning? Right. He got up and moved to the bathroom so he didn't keep Jess up. He closed the door and turned the light on, "If everything's fine, why the hell are you phoning at six thirty in the morning after your disappearing act yesterday?"

"It wasn't a disappearing act. It's just a hunt. You got anything on angels yet?"

Sam groaned into the phone. He leaned against the bathroom sink. He rubbed at his face. This was another great reason to be out of hunting: no more bizarre phone calls at strange hours asking about monsters, "I did some digging around."

"And?"

"And there's lots. Have you heard of this thing called Christianity? How about Islam? Judaism? Because they all have their own take on angels." Sam said. After he had finished being irritated at Dean for taking off and his inability to answer his phone- he was going to be worse than Dad for that if he kept it up- he had done some basic internet research. Which had turned up a lot since angels were a part of a ton of major religions and were popular among a lot of new age groups. It made research a huge mess. It was going to take weeks to figure out what was real and what was myth. He was planning on spending the day in the school's library to try and sort through the few things all the lore had actually agreed on.

"Any of it sound like Cas?"

Sam's eyebrows drew together in thought. That was the one thing he had concluded from his research yesterday, "Not really. From what I've read angels- even fallen angels- are supposed to look more...awesome; in the biblical sense. Faces like lightening, fiery, spinning wheels, extra heads, wings with eyes. I mean, they can _look_ human but that's one thing all the lore agrees on, you would know if you're looking at one."

"Yeah, and all I see when I look at Cas is an alcoholic. I _knew_ that asshole was lying."

"Well..." Sam said. The lore may have agreed that angels were awesome to behold but there had been something else it agreed on.

"Well what?"

"Well, maybe he's a Nephilim." Sam said. It fit with what he had seen. Cas didn't look like an out of the ordinary human but he was way stronger then he looked and he barely ate or slept and hadn't dropped dead from liver failure. Put that with a demon killing dagger and time travel? Nephilim didn't sound too far off. It was more believable than angel at least.

"Dude. That is gross. Dead people? Seriously?"

"What?" Sam shook his head confused. What the hell was Dean going on about? His forehead wrinkled in confusion until he connected the dots, "Not necrophilia. Nephilim. It's what you get when the, _'sons of god'_ and the _'daughters of men'_ play doctor."

"....so you think Cas's mom was touched by an angel?"

"Maybe. I don't know. He doesn't talk about his family, does he? I'm gonna go to the library today and see if I can find anything more definitive." Sam said. And maybe start getting some of his papers done before visiting with Rebecca. His homework was starting to pile up and he had to start studying for exams and holy crap. He had almost forgotten about _exams!_ "...how is Cas anyway?"

"What? Why would I know? I don't keep tabs on him."

Sam gave the phone a _what is wrong with you?_ look. "Dean. You said he had another breakdown before you took off. You _should_ be keeping tabs on him if you're going to drag him off with you to go look for Dad."

"He's- I— I'm not babysitting that asshole."

"Seriously Dean. Just ignore all the-" Sam shrugged as if Dean could see, "You know?"

Sam shook his head as Dean grumbled something about...sports? He sighed. Dean and Cas had been almost getting along last weekend and then suddenly they had been at each other's throats again. Sam couldn't really blame him though. Cas could be out right vicious when he wanted to be but the guy obviously had problems if he was making it a habit to have breakdowns like he had in Jericho. They had just let that one slide. Cas had been coming down off a Valium high and then spent a week withdrawing from every prescription drug known to man. It had seemed more like it was a product of drug abuse than some larger problem. "Look, if the kind of breakdown he had in Jericho is a reoccurring thing then he's obviously got bigger problems than just drinking too much."

"Yeah, major personality flaws. Who would even be into that?"

"What?" Sam asked.

"Huh?"

It continued to be too early for this. Sam closed his eyes and pressed a hand to his forehead, "Just keep an eye on him while you figure out the heart thing and look for Dad. Losing track of someone that's potentially a Nephilim seems kind of like a bad idea."

".....yeah......yeah, okay, I'm gonna see about this heart thing, you keep your nose in a book. I'll phone if I find anything about Dad."

"Right." Sam said.

"And if anything starts looking demonic over there, you phone."

"Dean, you got the demon after Jess." Sam said. He frowned thinking about Zach. Dean had gotten him too even if it had been the only way.

"Yeah well....you keep your nose clean. There's still The Demon that got mom."

Keep his nose clean? What was that supposed to mean? Sam gave the wall opposite him a puzzled look. What was Dean getting at? "Something up?"

"—yeah Dad missing, two vics dropping dead, and a depressed Nephilim. I'll phone later."

"Dean—" Sam started but Dean had hung up on him. He let his head roll down. He stared at the bathroom door for a moment before checking his phone for the time. 6:49am. He sighed and turned the shower on. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep now, he might as well start getting ready for his day surrounded by books. Besides, even if he did crawl back into bed he'd probably just end up having more nightmares anyway.

\---

After contemplating the allegories he could draw between his current pain and his life over the last four years Cas peeled his upper half off the table and groaned. Why wouldn't this headache go away? Why did everything hurt? He shifted in the creaky motel chair. He glanced over at Dean's bag. It was still on the table. Dean had left but he was (probably) coming back. That didn't make the all over bone deep ache go away.

What if he really was getting sick? Was this how humans felt when they got sick? He had seen infected wounds kill a person in a day or two. Was that finally going to happen to him?

He bent down to untie his boots. He kicked them off. He stared at his sock covered feet. He hiked one leg up and pressed a finger into the heel of his foot. It didn't hurt more than any other cut he'd had over the years. If it was infected it should be tender. It should hurt more. He had seen it in others before.

He pulled his sock off and stared at the white gauze bandage Dean had taped on. There were splotches of dried blood that had soaked through the bandage before the bleeding had stopped but nothing that looked new. He poked at his heel again. It still didn't feel tender. He bent down and sniffed. It didn't smell infected. ....that didn't mean much. He had seen people die from infections they didn't even know they had until it was too late.

He picked at the tape holding the bandage on until he caught the edge. He pulled it off and stared at the stitches in his heel.

\---

Dean definitely did not loiter at the diner for half an hour and he definitely didn't drive around the block three times and he definitely hadn't sat in front of the motel in the car for the last ten minutes thinking about dicks. Dear god that sounded gay. But it was the only way he could think of to prove that he didn't like dicks.

He thought about dicks and‒ nothing. Well not _nothing_ he liked his own but he thought about porn dicks and got nothing. Okay, well not _nothing_ exactly because when he started thinking about guys in pornos he eventually started thinking about the accompanying actresses in pornos and _that_ did something. But the take home message was the part about how dicks didn't.

He thought about blow jobs. Getting one was awesome but shoving some guy's dick in his mouth wasn't his idea of a good time. What the hell would that even be like? How did chicks put up with that anyway? He had been with more than a few women who had a thing for kissing after a blow job and it tasted _weird_. Blow jobs were definitely out.

Anal sex? Well...a butthole was probably a butthole no matter who it belonged to but women had awesome curvy hips to hold onto and guys didn't. He didn't give too much thought to being on the receiving end because why the hell would he want to shove something up his ass?

He thought about broad shoulders, hairy legs rubbing up against his own, and kissing someone with stubble. He was indifferent to the shoulder thing, because, whatever, they were shoulders, who cared? He wouldn't say no to sex with a woman with hairy legs but it wasn't like he went after it. He was sure stubble would just outright suck because he had gone down on a few very prickly vaginas before and it was okay if he had a goal to aim for but just making out with some guy who didn't shave for the hell of it didn't seem all that great.

Alright....now....he just....what about Cas? He wrinkled his nose. For a guy he definitely wasn't into he had seen him naked and half undressed way more than he wanted. He screwed up his eyes and made himself think about- ugh- _Cas._ ....nothing.....well except for a general, that guy is a pain in the ass— which he definitely did not mean that way! _Ever_. He _didn't_ want to jump Cas's bones. He nodded to himself. Good. And that thing in the car had still definitely not happened but even if it had it hadn't felt sexy at all. It had been mortifying and had held up traffic.

He sighed and knocked his head off the steering wheel, "This is ridiculous. If I screw up Sam's going to run off and get possessed by the freakin' Devil. I can worry about Cas and dicks later."

Dean grabbed the plastic bag sitting next to him. It was full of breakfast- and peanut butter and jam packets- and two bottles of extra strength advil because Sam was right; he probably should be keeping an eye on Cas if he was screwed up and possibly some kind of half human monster hybrid. What were they going to do if Cas wasn't just a really screwed up human? He seemed okay‒ alright, okay was not a word that described Cas. He seemed....like he probably wouldn't kill someone and eat their spleens. Probably.

He unlocked the motel door- careful to make a bunch of noise just in case Cas had a screw lose today- and shoved it open. Cas was sitting at the table staring blankly at his foot.

"Take something I don't know about?" Dean asked. The Vicodin was still in the car as far as he knew but Cas could be sneaky when he wanted to be. He dropped the plastic bag on his bed and plunked down beside it. He nodded at Cas's foot, "Gangrene setting in?"

"No. And it's fine." Cas said. A tremor went through him, his heel was perfectly fine. The cut didn't look inflamed like it would for humans fighting off infections- it didn't even have the pink look and supposed itch of a healing wound- and the stitches were doing their job to yank the flesh back together to heal. It summed up his state of being rather nicely: human cuts and human healing but not quite human. He pulled his sock back on. His heel was fine but he was beginning to suspect that his grace wasn't, more so than usual. There was nothing wrong with him, physically at least, so he shouldn't be in so much pain. What if his body- his vessel- was finally giving out? Most human bodies weren't built to hold grace and the few that could weren't built to be the only thing that held it together.

Dean unpacked his own breakfast then held out the plastic bag, "I'm not gonna wait for you all day, hurry up and eat and take some advil if you're gonna whine about your headache all damn day. The train lives in twenty minutes."

Cas took the plastic bag and almost laughed when he looked inside. Something was [wrong with his grace](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/7364294) again and he wasn't about to tell Dean and Dean was belligerently trying to take care of him while being an asshole about it. Add in a few croats and it would be just like home.

\---

"Why aren't we going to the police station? Or the morgue?" Cas asked when Dean stopped the car in front of a duplex.

"Why? You want to put a suit on again?" Dean asked with a shit eating grin. "Heard you love those."

" _No."_ Cas said. That was all he needed today, Dean stuffing him into a suit while everything throbbed and he worried about the state of his grace.

Dean snickered at the ridiculous face Cas made when he said suit. Cas scowled at him. Dean chuckled. If Cas got to run his mouth all the time then he could just tough it out when someone did it back to him. "It's Thanksgiving. Who'd follow up on a case months old that looks like two really strange but coincidental heart attacks on Thanksgiving?"

"Oh." Cas said. He didn't really know what Thanksgiving entailed if it wasn't in a movie or in the middle of the Apocalypse. He assumed the early Thanksgiving he had been kicked out of probably wasn't a good indicator of normal.

"Right. You stay here. I'm gonna go ask some questions." Dean said shoving open the car door.

"I'll come." Cas said. He started opening the passenger door.

Dean turned an incredulous look on him, "Dude, no. They're gonna believe _me_ when I say I'm doing some follow up work for a newspaper article. I'm lovable. Who wouldn't believe me? But you? Looking like that?"

"What's wrong with the way I look?" Cas asked suspiciously. He had made use of those twenty minutes Dean had given him before they left. He might hate how close he looked to his old self but no one else was going to know that. He looked, dare he say it, presentable for _human_ company.

"You look like you just got done murdering someone and now you're looking for your next victim." Dean said. Did Cas even know what a mirror was? That scowl had barely left his face all morning and he still looked like a hung over wreck- maybe it was Cas's inner Nephilim leaking through, like a glamour fading or something? He motioned to the car, "Just stay here and guard the car from people who look sketchier than you."

Cas studied Dean for a moment. Maybe he _should_ stay. Something was wrong with his grace. He'd probably find out the hard way yet again that he was just a liability. ...and Dean was just going to ask a woman some questions. That couldn't be too dangerous. He pulled the door closed. "Alright."

"Glad we agree I'm right." Dean said smugly. He got out and jogged up the driveway. From what he could tell in the articles Dad had found and some notes Dad had made, two young women had just dropped dead in this house but the person renting it hadn't actually moved, well at least not before Dad had ditched all his stuff in Jericho. He was hoping that this Lily chick was still living there and had seen something.

He knocked on the door. It opened a few seconds later. He had a feeling the tall black guy in a San Diego fire department shirt that answered the door probably didn't go by Lily. Her boyfriend maybe? He flashed his best _totally not a criminal_ smile at the guy, "Hi, is Lily here?"

The other guy looked Dean up and down, "No, she got the last of her things yesterday. You're the landlord's kid?"

Dean nodded and smiled again. He could work with that. "Yep."

"Hold on." The guy stepped away from the door and grabbed something off a side table. He came back holding out a two sheets of paper stapled together. "Should be everything."

Dean took the papers and looked through them; subletter's contract. He glanced over the names. Landlord, H. Knight. Tenant, Lily Baker. So that would make this guy... Greg Reyes. He scanned through for a current address for Lily Baker. No luck. He passed the contract back to Greg and busted out another _you can trust me_ smile, "I'm not actually here for the contract. My dad wants to go over it with you one last time just to make everything official. I'm actually just here to see if you happen to know Lily's current address. We're supposed to mail her rent receipts to the new place but she forgot to write the address down for us."

"Oh...yeah...she's been...well with everything that happened and then with her dad." Greg said waving him inside. 

"Her dad?" Dean asked following Greg in.

"She didn't mention it?" Greg said heading into the kitchen.

"No." Dean had a feeling whatever happened it wasn't going to be good.

"Heart attack last week. Just like Courtney and Erica. What are the chances of that, huh?" Greg said. He grabbed a blue address book out of a drawer and took out a pen and paper.

"What? Really? Oh man. That sucks." Dean said. _What were the chances of that?_ Practically impossible. Unless Lily was a monster or a witch. His money was on witch. Monsters tended to be a bit messier when they went for the heart. Either way Lily had just gone from witness to suspect.

Greg nodded and held out the piece of paper. "Yeah. Even if they didn't always get along nobody wants to be a part of the dead dads club."

"Yeah." Dean said. He frowned down at the piece of paper as he took it. What if Cas was wrong about Dad being okay? He didn't want to be a part of that club either. He glanced back up at Greg and flashed another smile. He held up the paper, "Thanks dude, makes my life a whole lot easier."

Dean made his getaway, assuring Greg that the landlord would be around soon. Dean just hoped it wasn't while he was still in town. He headed for the car and got in to find Cas digging at his finger with the pocket knife from the glove box. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Splinter." Cas said dismissively. He was carefully cutting a few layers of skin at a time then prodding at his grace. It still gave that familiar pathetic quiver as it tried to heal and failed but it felt... it still felt broken and in pieces, it still felt like it was draining away but.... it was almost like....He snorted in disgust at himself. Every time he got his hopes up the rug was always pulled out from under his feet and Dean was usually the one that did the pulling. He jabbed the point of the knife into his finger. Blood beaded up on the tip of his finger. There was all the proof he needed about the state of his grace. He closed the knife up and put it back in the glove box. He pressed his thumb against his finger to stop the bleeding. "What did she say?"

"She wasn't there. She's subletting the place to some guy named Greg but- because I'm just that good- I got an address." Dean said holding up the paper. "She's out in Granite Hills and it turns out her dad dropped dead just last week the same way as the first two vics."

\---

Cas wasn't as surly as Dean thought he'd be when he invoked Rules 1 and 2; no drinking and no getting high because they were officially on the hunt for _something_. It made for a quiet drive out to Granite Hills. Dean didn't like it at all. It meant he had time to think again. At least if Cas was being an asshole it'd keep his mind off Sam and Dad.

Dean messed around with the radio but couldn't find anything he liked that would keep his mind off Sam and Dad. He glanced over at Cas. The driver got to pick the music but it was a moot point if the passenger had all the tapes.

"What one do you want?" Cas asked when Dean looked over yet again.

"Master of Reality." Dean said.

Cas picked the box up off the floor. He pressed the tip of his finger into the side of the box, the sting of pain a gentle reminder he shouldn't hope for things. He ran his fingers over the tapes and picked out the one Dean wanted. He took it out of its case and passed it over to Dean.

Dean grabbed the tape off Cas and popped it into the stereo. He tapped his fingers along the steering wheel for a few moments before he realized that even with the music his thoughts were still drifting back to Sam, Dad, and the up-coming apocalypse. He let out a long suffering sigh, "So what the hell's up with you anyway?"

"Nothing's up with me." Cas said. He was probably just dying a little bit faster than he had expected because if good things rarely happened to good people they never happened to bad people.

"Right. Everything's fine." Dean said sarcastically. Cas was probably going to do something awkward later and he'd have to stitch him back together or worse, hug it out again....fuck that had better not be some master plan Cas had going on. He swung one way and it wasn't towards Cas. Hell, Cas might not even be _human_. He _definitely_ didn't swing that way. Future him could just go suck dicks in hell. ...heh. ....wait.....that wasn't funny.

The quiet didn't let up after that.

When Dean stopped the car in front of the address in Granite Hills he had managed to think up at least eight different ways he could screw up bad enough that would send Sam out to hunt on his own.

"What do you think she is?" Cas asked breaking the silence.

"I'm thinking witch....or she could have one really pissed off spirit haunting her that's seen the Frighteners one too many times." Dean said. He tapped along to the last song on this side of the tape. Did they stake out the house for a while or just go knock on the door and spin some crap out to get her to let him in?

The tape came to a stop. Dean pursed his lips. Fuck it. He'd just go knock. He didn't know what this Lily chick looked like. They could be staking out the wrong house. He'd have to go in.

Dean adjusted his jacket and shirt trying to look a bit more cleaned up. He'd go with his original plan, fact checking for the newspaper. He really needed to buy a suit instead of relying on renting one. He was sure FBI would have sounded better here. He pushed open the car door and was surprised when he heard the other one open too.

"Uh, what're you doing? Thought we agreed I'm right?" Dean said looking over at Cas.

"If her father died the same way weeks later in a different place then it's less likely that she witnessed something and more likely she can kill people and make it look like a heart attack and you _just said_ you think she's a witch." Cas said. Not for the first time he wondered how Dean had survived his early years.

"Well, _yeah."_ Dean said. Was Cas gonna spend all day pointing out the obvious? "But you still look like some kind of stone cold killer that had a rough night."

"I don't look like one." Cas scoffed. He was one. He pushed the door open the rest of the way and got out. Dean hurried out and glared at him over the roof of the car. Cas rolled his eyes, "Do you _really_ think it's a good idea to go in there alone?"

"No." Dean admitted, "But it's probably a worse idea to go in there with you."

Cas shrugged dismissively, "If you weren't going to let me come along then why couldn't I drink?"

Dean shifted on his feet annoyed. "Fine. Come on." He went around to the trunk and got out his EMF meter then started towards the house. He shot a look at Cas over his shoulder. "Don't get knocked out this time."

Cas made a face at him.

Dean ignored the dumb look on the hippy's face. He knocked on the door. A face framed with blonde hair peaked out from behind the curtains of a window to the side of the door. Dean smiled and gave a quick wave. The woman disappeared from the window. Dean was wondering if the woman was Lily and if she was taking off through the back when the door opened.

"Yeah?" The woman said.

"Hi, we're with North County Times. We're looking for Lily Baker." Dean said trying to sound appropriately professional.

The woman looked between them. She pushed her sleeves up. "I'm Lily."

"Well hi Lily." Dean said flashing a smile, "I'm Dean and this is Cas we're just here to do some follow up on an article. You know, a see where they are now kind of thing. Mind if we ask a few questions?"

Lily looked between them again. She held the door open wider, "Alright. Come in."

Cas grabbed Dean by the back of the jacket and held him in place. Lily was making him uneasy. Why wasn't she more apprehensive? There were two strange men on her front step and it was almost night and she wasn't worried about letting them in? Even if she was a witch she should be at least _concerned_ about letting them in, they could be _hunters._ .....well Dean was, he was a poor imitation of one.

" _Cas."_ Dean hissed. What the hell was the hippy weirdo _doing?_

"It's...it's getting late." Cas said. How did Dean do this? What did he say to people when he needed to lie? "We...uh....we can come back tomorrow."

"Tonight's fine." Lily said raising an eyebrow at Cas.

"Yeah, Cas." Dean said trying to pull away from Cas's grip.

Cas clenched his fist tighter. He did _not_ want to let Dean go in there. He highly doubted Lily was particularly naïve if she had recently witnessed three people being killed by something supernatural. Which left the more worrisome reason, she wasn't afraid to let them in because she had killed three people and she'd do it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily is a fusion of series Lily and anime Lily.
> 
> I so very badly wanted to make reference to Nicholas Cage movies here but I realized they would all be super touchy topics for Dean and Cas and that either Dean would have outright banned them or they would have come to a silent agreement that they would never acknowledge movies with Nic Cage.
> 
> References  
> Jugger from Blood of Heros/The Salute of the Juggers (1989). It's a strange post-apocalyptic sport played with a dog skull.  
> Touched by an Angel (1994 - 2003) tv series.  
> The Frighteners (1996) There is a spirit that kills people by squeezing their hearts.
> 
> The North County Times was the local newspaper in, you guessed it, North County San Deigo up until 2012. I figure if Lily had a "roommate" in the anime and not a girlfriend or family that she was living with she was likely in post secondary, especially considering her age. North County conveniently has three post secondary options.


	18. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turned out, Lily hadn't noted any cold spots or heard strange noises but from the look on her face it was clear she thought Dean was strange to ask about that for what was supposed to be an article about bereavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Egads, this is painfully late. I'm sorry. Life's been busy.

Dean kicked Cas's leg and pulled forward. Cas was going to ruin the case before they even got it going. He kicked at Cas again‒ _subtly_. "Come on, **_Cas_** _."_

Cas pursed his lips and let Dean go. He reached under his jacket and touched his blade for reassurance. If Lily was a witch his blade would be more than enough. He just hoped his grace didn't chose some crucial moment when Dean needed him to finally snuff out. He followed Dean inside. He would rather have been taking point; putting himself between Dean and the potential danger.

"Sorry about my partn- _co-worker_ , he doesn't like to put people on the spot." Dean said and cringed at what a terrible lie _that_ was. Cas _loved_ putting people in awkward positions. He followed Lily into the living room. Dean glanced around at the empty beige walls, beige carpets, and beige furniture. He smiled wide, "You have a lovely home."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him.

Alright, maybe that was laying it on a little thick. Lily motioned for him to sit down. Dean was about to sit on the couch when he realized that was practically an open invitation for Cas to do something _gay_ or _whatever._ Dean picked the chair across from Lily instead. He tried out another friendly smile and just got another passive look for his efforts.

"It's my father's house." Lily said when they were all seated. "The granny look was his style."

Dean almost smacked himself. Of course Lily wasn't going to go for the good old charm the answers out of the victim routine, she had just lost her dad. Dean nodded and tried to look solemn. "Yeah, we heard about your father. The North County Times is- ah- extending our deepest sympathies."

Lily shrugged, "What did you want to know?"

Dean's eyebrows twitched. Who just shrugged off their dad dying? "Ah well, we just want to ask a few questions about your father and how you've been coping, oh and feel free to stop me if my- _other_ partner already covered something. No need to make you go over it twice."

Lily looked at Cas then back to Dean.

Dean glanced over at Cas. Cas was sitting there like he might jump up and stab her at any second, that or he was really constipated. Dean figured it was a toss up as to which. He waved a dismissive hand at Cas, "Not him, he's still learning the ropes, we try not to let him out in public much." Dean said. Not to mention he might be part monster, "But my partner, you know, big guy a little taller than me, dark hair."

Lily shook her head.

"Guess that explains why our editor sent us out." Dean said. Damn it. Dad hadn't been here. He had really thought Dad would follow up on something this close to Sam. Maybe Dad had chalked the first two heart attacks up to coincidence and just hadn't thought to check for a third one not long ago or maybe he hadn't seen it yet. It was pretty recent and Dad was on the run. Maybe he hadn't put the case together yet.

"There was a woman that came by." Lily offered. She tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear, "But...I don't think she was with North County Times."

"A woman?" Dean asked interested.

Lily looked off to the side while she thought, "About my height, blonde...I think her name was...Judy Barton? ....from the San Juan Weekly?"

"Judy, yeah, she's the competition." Dean said without missing a beat. Judy Barton from the San Juan Weekly? Right, he'd just call up James Stewart and tell him Madeleine was still alive. So, Lily had attracted some other mystery hunter. Had she scoped out the job and figured it was nothing or had Lily done something to her? "Well, we better go over everything then."

Cas listened, tense and waiting for Lily to even hint about striking out, as Dean asked questions. As it turned out, Lily hadn't noted any cold spots or heard strange noises but from the look on her face it was clear she thought Dean was strange to ask about that for what was supposed to be an article about bereavement. Cas didn't care as long as she stayed on the other side of the room with the coffee table between her and Dean.

Eventually Lily excused herself to get a glass of water. Cas fought the urge to follow her and make sure she wasn't actually putting together a hexbag to try and kill them. He wouldn't have been this worried for his Dean's safety but _this_ Dean....he'd swear he was putting himself in danger just to wind him up.

Dean watched Lily go into the kitchen. The moment her back was turned he was motioning at Cas and the hallway. Sam would have asked where the bathroom was by now as an excuse to check out the house. Cas had just sat there and looked constipated.

Cas looked at the hallway then back to Dean. Dean gave him a _get on it_ look. Cas arched an eyebrow at him and retorted with a _not a chance in hell am I leaving you alone with a potential enemy_ look but Dean just shrugged at him confused because, of course, this Dean wouldn't understand that look. Cas clenched his jaw and swallowed down the pain that surfaced; Dean didn't know him. Well, that hadn't stopped him yet from protecting Dean.

Lily came back with her glass of water and sat down.

Before Dean could say a word Cas spoke up, "Dean would like to know where the bathroom is."

Dean shot Cas a look of betrayal. The whole point was for _Cas_ to go check out the rest of Lily's house. What the hell was Cas going to do out here with Lily? Make faces at her until she cracked? The dude had a problem talking to strangers‒ which if he was five would be okay, but it was a pain in the ass when they had to explain it away to Sam's friends and Jess's family.

Lily pointed towards the hall, "Down the hall and to the left."

"Ah, yeah." Dean said getting up, "Room with the sink and the toilet right?"

"Right." Lily said giving him a mildly concerned look, as if asking that made her wonder if Dean knew what a toilet looked like.

"Right. Thanks." Dean said. He shot a _how could you?_ look at Cas but just got another weird constipated look in return. Dean didn't know what it was supposed to mean but really he didn't need to know because the answer to his _how could you?_ was because Cas was an asshole. God, he just hoped Cas didn't stab her and...eat her kidneys or something. Whatever it was Nephilim did. Well, for now. If she turned out to be a witch he wouldn't have a problem with that.

As soon as he was out of sight of the living room- hoping to god Cas didn't start saying weird shit to their suspect- he pulled out his EMF meter. He'd check for signs of a haunting while he checked for signs of some witchy alter.

Most of the rooms were either empty- he was starting to think Lily's dad had been one of those _minimalists_ weirdos- or full of boxes of Lily's stuff. He couldn't exactly go through the boxes without making a crap ton of noise so he settled for just running the EMF meter over them and taking a quick look inside any boxes that were already open. Nothing screamed witch at him and nothing looked haunted but if stuff actually _looked_ haunted there'd be a lot less mysterious deaths.

He found Lily's room at the end of the hall. If there was a bloodstained alter anywhere in the house it'd probably be hidden in her closet because witches didn't know the first thing about basic hygiene.

He was arm deep in women's blouses when the bedroom light turned on. He cringed when he heard someone clearing their throat. What were the chances it was Cas?

"What're you doing?" Lily asked sharply.

Dean backed out Lily's closet. He closed the door and gave it a pat as if that would erase the fact he'd been going through her stuff. He glanced down at the EMF meter. It was still quiet. Well, that ruled out haunted girl at least. He tucked the EMF meter into his pocket and slapped an apologetic smile onto his face, "Uh....investigative reporting?"

"Get out." Lily growled.

Dean's eyebrows went up. She really had some depth for a chick. He stepped closer and put his hands out in a placating gesture, "Hey, look, uh..."

None of that was particularly persuasive.

Lily pointed towards the door, "Out. Now."

"Hey, okay, so this looks bad." Dean tried again. It looked _really_ bad. It didn't help that Cas had appeared in the doorway and was just standing there looking at Dean all _apologetically_. What the hell had Cas done? Just _told_ her that he was going through his stuff? Jesus, Cas was a shitty hunting partner if he couldn't even keep one chick in the same room as him for ten minutes.

"Out!" Lily shouted.

Dean hesitated. How the hell did he talk his way out of this?

Cas looked between Dean and Lily. He had screwed up. Of course he had screwed up. That's what he did. Lily had gotten up to get more water and disappeared into the kitchen. He hadn't gone after her right away but if he had he would have found out that there was a second entrance into the kitchen that came off the hallway that conveniently let Lily go look for Dean without him noticing until he heard her talking.

Lily glared at the two of them.

Fuck! Dean's shoulders slumped. There was no way he was going to talk his way out of this after getting caught going through a woman's closet. That screamed rapey stalker. He should just get them out before Lily phoned the cops.

"Are you deaf?" Lily asked, her voice scathing.

"Are you a witch?" Cas retorted.

Dean groaned. It was one thing to get caught sneaking around someone's house and rifling through their closet, but asking if they were a witch would be a bonafide guarantee that the cops would be out looking for two sketchy dudes in a big black car. "Thanks Cas."

"Well she already thinks we're criminals. We might as well just ask." Cas said keeping one hand on his blade behind his back. He could tell that Dean didn't want to give up the hunt but their cover was blown. He didn't see the point in attempting to talk their way out of it at this rate. They could just ask and either she'd try to attack them because she was a witch or she'd yell more because she thought they were _delusional_ criminals. He didn't want to be here with Dean potentially in danger, just asking was the fastest way out. He turned back to Lily, "Or if you're not a witch, do you happen to think you might be haunted?"

Dean made a strange noise in the back of his throat that came out as a disbelieving squawk. Holy crap. Cas was never allowed to talk to people again.

Lily sat down on her bed suddenly.

Dean snapped his eyes over to her. She wasn't all angry anymore and she definitely wasn't freaking out. She was sitting on the bed looking between the two of them. Her face kept flipping between relieved and terrified. That wasn't the reaction of someone who thought ghosts were imaginary and that him and Cas were crazy but it also probably wasn't the reaction a serial killer witch would have either. 

"Lily, did you see something? Something you can't really explain?" Dean asked in his _talking to traumatized victims_ voice, which he was definitely getting better at. "You can tell us. We'll believe you, no matter how crazy it sounds."

Lily looked up at him, " _Everyone_ thinks I'm crazy. Except for my dad. He just thought...."

Dean stepped closer and put a hand out intent on giving Lily's shoulder a comforting pat. She jerked away and scrambled down the bed. Dean put his hands up in a placating gesture.

Lily shifted away even further.

"Hey, it's okay. We're not gonna hurt you." Dean said. Unless she was a monster.

Lily shook her head. "I don't want to hurt _you._ I... bad things happen when people touch me."

Dean had to fight off the urge to quote X-Men at her and call her Rogue. He had to fight **really** hard not to quote X-Men and call her Rogue. He stepped back. "Okay, what sort of bad things?"

"People just..." Lily looked at him sadly.

"Their hearts stop." Cas finished. He gripped his blade tighter. So she was a witch or at least not likely to be human. He ran over a mental list of creatures but couldn't think of any that could stop a heart without tearing it out first. Either way he wanted to grab Dean and drag him from the room. He started edging closer to Dean to do just that.

Lily nodded. She gave them another sad look, "Does that mean I'm a witch?"

Dean looked Lily over. What the hell did they do? The fact that Lily had to ask if she was a witch was pretty good evidence that she wasn't one‒ unless she was fucking with them, in which case she had brought her A game to acting. She just looked like a woman that was afraid of what had been happening to her. But touching people and making their hearts stop probably meant she was some kind of monster. His eyebrows twitched together for a second, he'd already killed one monster this month that looked an awful lot like a human. He really didn't want to make it two.

Cas slipped in closer to Dean. One hand on his blade ready to take action and his other hand out to grab Dean's arm and pull him out of the way.

Dean stared at Lily. She was probably a monster. He had killed a whole lot of monsters that looked human but none that looked this upset about killing. Dean took a sideways glance at Cas. Cas kept telling everyone he wasn't human and Sam thought maybe Cas wasn't just screwed up on drugs when he said it. He hadn't killed Cas. ....maybe they could work something out for Lily?

Cas set his hand on Dean's arm preparing to yank him out of the room but Dean had a look on his face that he hadn't seen in years. He looked at Lily, who had essentially admitted to killing three people then back to Dean, who was looking at her sadly. Dean wanted to _help_ her. He knew it. That was Dean's heartfelt, _I just want to save everyone_ face.

"If you haven't been casting spells and making hexbags you're not a witch." Dean said.

"...no?" Lily said. "What are hexbags?"

Dean let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. She didn't even know what hexbags were. Lily being a witch was becoming less and less likely. Maybe she was cursed. Maybe there was a witch after Lily.

Dean turned to Cas and was surprised to find him right beside him with a hand on his arm. He glanced down at Cas's hand then back up and raised an eyebrow at Cas until he got the hint and knocked it off. Now was not the time to be weird and touchy. Cas pulled his hand away after a few seconds and did the kicked puppy routine again. As if. He nudged Cas towards the door and looked back at Lily, "Uh- how about some water? We can get you some water. Or something stiffer? And then we'll try to sort this out."

Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean. What the hell was he doing? What was there to sort out? How did Dean think they could possibly help her? If they weren't going to kill her they should _go._

"There's vodka in the freezer." Lily said.

"Alright." Dean nodded. He could do with a drink himself. Cas looked like he was ready to murder her and she could always be some Hollywood level actor and be trying to kill them.

"What're you doing?" Cas hissed as soon as they were out the door. If he could still fly he'd grab Dean and fly them right back out to the impala.

"Chill, dude." Dean said heading for the kitchen. He just needed a couple of seconds too think about this and he wasn't gonna leave Cas alone with Lily while he was looking all stab-happy. He pushed him along the hallway into the kitchen, "She's not haunted. The EMF meter never went off." He made his way over to the freezer and got the bottle of vodka out, "And if she's a witch she's pretty freakin' clueless for one and I didn't find anything witchy anywhere."

"So?" Cas asked. Dean shoved the cold bottle of vodka at him before turning around to open cupboards. He looked between Dean's turned back and the bottle in his hand. Well. If Dean was just going to hand him liquor... He worked the cap off and took a swig before Dean could turn around. He needed something to calm his nerves. He had lost track of something dangerous around Dean and it had gone straight to him. He could have gotten Dean killed. He took another gulp and put the cap back on. It wasn't enough to do anything but the motions were soothing.

"What do you mean, _so?"_ Dean asked. He found a cupboard full of coffee mugs. He grabbed two. Booze was still off limits for Cas.

"I mean she practically admitted to killing those three people." Cas said. Had Dean been in the same room as him?

"Yeah but..." Dean didn't really know how to explain that he was still feeling guilty as hell for killing Zach Warren when he killed that demon but he could explain why Lily probably wasn't killing people on purpose, "What self-respecting witch doesn't know what a hexbag is? What if she's cursed‒ or possessed?"

"I'm cursed."

Cas spun around pulled his blade out. Lily just watched as if she'd welcome an end to it all. He took a step to the side to put Dean more fully behind him. He had already screwed up protecting Dean once today. He wouldn't let it happen a second time.

"Dude! _Calm down!"_ Dean put the coffee mugs down and grabbed the blade and vodka off Cas. He set the blade on the counter then shoved Cas aside so he wasn't looming like some crazy axe-murderer in Lily's kitchen. He grabbed up a coffee mug and poured a triple shot of vodka into it. He held it out to Lily, "Why do you think you're cursed?"

Lily stared at the coffee mug for a moment before coming closer. She took the bottle out of Dean's hand and sat down at her kitchen table. "Because my dad said so."

"....what?" Dean really didn't have a better response to that.

She took a long sip from the bottle. "Well, he didn't say _cursed._ He called me tainted but...it's the same thing, right?" She pushed her sleeves down and looked at her hands, "I touched my girlfriend and her heart stopped. My roommate tried to help and I touched her too. That kind of thing doesn't happen to someone who isn't cursed....who's.... _clean."_

Cas watched Lily take another sip from the bottle (with envy). She had the look about her of someone that had shed all the tears she could for what had happened. Cas knew the look. He'd wore it often. Still... he took a few steps towards his blade and reached out for it. Dean shot him a stern look. He drew his hand back but kept close enough that he'd be able to snatch it up at a moment's notice.

Dean had a brief moment of surprise at the mention of a _girlfriend,_ none of the articles had said one of the victims was Lily's girlfriend but it did explain why she was immune to the Winchester charm, then moved over to the table and sat across from Lily. "Did he say why he thought that?"

Lily closed her eyes and took another sip of vodka. "Because when I was six months old I killed my mother."

"Uh...I don't think a six month old usually has murder on the brain." Dean said. Maybe Lily was having some kind of post trauma breakdown?

Lily shook her head, "No, it was my fault the way I touched Erica and Courtney, I didn't mean to but it was me." She set the bottle of vodka down and ran her finger through the condensation on the glass, "There was a fire in my nursery one night. My dad said it wasn't natural, the fire moved like it was alive, and my mom...she died there. In my nursery." Lily drew a house in the condensation, "He said, I kill everyone I love. That I had it coming all these years because I killed my mom. That is was all _my fault_ that they were dead and he was— so I touched him too."

Dean felt the blood running out of his face. Lily had been in a nursery fire when she was six months old? And her mom died in it? That was way too close to what had happened to Sam for his liking.

Cas eased back to lean against the counter. That she had blatantly admitted to killing her father should have made him snatch up his blade and plunge it into her heart but instead he felt himself relax. This wasn't some unknown danger. This was something he knew well. Relief poured through him. He knew how to handle this. "You _are_ tainted."

Lily looked up blankly. She let out a short abrupt laugh and picked up the bottle again. "So say we all."

Dean was going to have a serious talk with Cas later about keeping his damn mouth shut. He shot a murderous look at Cas then turned back to Lily, "Sorry about him. He's got problems."

"I do." Cas said. He wouldn't bother to deny that he had a plethora of problems. He picked up his blade and slipped it back into the waist of his pants. He could explain this...and if he did Dean could help her like he wanted to and maybe Dean would trust him a little bit more instead of looking at him like he was a bug. "But she is. The same thing happened to Sam." He turned his gaze to Lily, "A demon called Azazel came into your house when you were six months old, bled on you, and set your mother on fire. It wasn't your fault but you _are_ tainted with demon blood. That's why people die when you touch them."

"....a demon bled on me and...and burned my mother alive....and now I kill people...." Lily repeated slowly.

Dean knew he should be trying to comfort Lily but Cas had just said that the same thing had happened to Sam. That _Sam_ was tainted with _demon blood._ _The Demon_ had broken into their house to _bleed on_ _Sam_ and _taint_ him with _demon blood._ Sam was tainted with demon blood.

Dean shoved away from the table. He jammed his hand in his pocket for his phone. _What if Sam touched Jess!?_ Sam would never get over that, he was like a giant puppy. He was already torn up from his friend dying. He strode out of the room and mashed the buttons on his phone.

Cas startled in surprise when Dean jumped up from the table and marched past him. His heart started to race. His eyes went wide when he realized what he had said and how he had been avoiding that topic since he had shown up in 2005. Of course Dean wouldn't thank him for that information! What the hell was he _thinking?_ He went after him, "Dean."

"Fuck off." Dean snapped. He pushed at the buttons again. "You lying hippy asshole."

Cas recoiled at Dean's tone. He took a caution step forward, "Dean, I don't—"

"You fucking knew this whole time!" Dean snarled. He made a noise of absolute disgust when he realized he had button mashed _again._ He gave up on punching in the number himself and just went into his contacts list. "Were you ever gonna bother to mention that? Or were you just gonna bring it up _after_ Sam touched Jess?"

A tremor went through Cas. Every sharp disgusted look Dean flung his way seemed to drag on forever. It was like he could watch himself fuck this up in slow motion. This was it, this was when Dean would finally decide to abandon him. Completely. He was going to be utterly and completely alone because he had screwed up. Again. Like he always did. Why the hell had he told Dean that? He  _knew_ the kind of reactions Dean had to hearing bad news about Sam. Fuck, how did he fix this? Did he try to lie? Did he tell the truth? He looked down and fought to keep back the tumult of emotion. "It doesn't work like that."

Dean paused. He looked up, "What do you mean, _it doesn't work like that?"_

"It manifests differently for each of them." Cas said. He kept his eyes down. He couldn't look at Dean while he was looking at him like that.

"Each of them?" Dean eyed him warily. He didn't believe one bit of Cas's sad act he was trying to pull, "Cas, what the hell aren't you telling me?"

A lot. Oh god, there was so very much. But what was the point in telling Dean when half of it couldn't be changed anyway? Cas thought he stood some slim chance of at least stopping Dean from selling his soul before his grace flamed out but neither of them could ever stop Mary Campbell from making the deal that what would let Azazel into Sam's nursery in 1983. He couldn't tell Dean that. That would only make Dean hate him more. He couldn't tell Dean but he couldn't lie about either. If Dean ever found out... He had to tell him the truth- most of it at least, "What happened to Sam- and Lily- it's not...an isolated incident. There are hundreds of people like them and..."

"And _what?"_ Dean snapped. Cas flinched. Dean scoffed in disgust. Cas didn't get to pull shit like that and pretend like _he_ was the one being an asshole here. Cas was the one keeping shit from them. First it was the- the _sort of_ gay thing, and now it was something actually _important_.

Cas couldn't tell him what would happen, Azazel would kill them all- well, most of them- and there wasn't much they could do to stop it. It would just be another spattering of blood on their hands. Dean didn't need that guilt. It would just be pointless suffering. Cas clenched his hands into fists and told a half truth, "And they'll each show some different ability in the coming months."

Dean narrowed his eyes at him. He didn't like the way Cas was fidgeting on the spot and looking away from him like he was guilty. "What's Sam's?"

Lily stepped into the room. Cas looked over at her. He looked back to Dean. He knew Dean wouldn't want a stranger to know what Sam's ability was and how it came about.

" ** _Well_** _?"_ Dean demanded.

Cas flinched, that tone cut right through him. Even if this Dean looked too young to be his Dean he did more than enough to sound like him, "....he....he can exorcise demons with his thoughts...and with... _practice_ kill them too eventually."

"Sam could've—" Dean felt himself shake with anger. Sam could have just _thought_ at the demon possessing Zach Warren and exorcised it? They could have saved some innocent guy from being skewered? Cas had just let him _murder_ some guy instead of mentioning that? He stomped over to Cas in two steps and landed a good punch to his face. Cas rocked on his feet but stayed standing. He pointed a finger in Cas's face. "You knew that the whole time!? We could've saved Zach!"

Lily let out a panicked yelp and grabbed her portable phone. She shoved her sleeves back up and brandished the phone at them, "I don't know what the hell is going on with you two but you'd better knock it off or I'm phoning the cops. I might be cursed but that doesn't mean I'm gonna put up with some stupid macho male thing in my house."

Dean shook his head in utter disgust. He shoved Cas away and started for the door. Yeah, he still had to deal with Lily somehow but he couldn't do it _now_. Not when he'd just found out that Sam was tainted with demon blood and he'd just killed a dude for no reason.

Cas ignored the pain throbbing in his cheek and followed after Dean. He had to make this right. He had to fix this. He couldn't be alone here. He made a grab for Dean's shoulder. "Dean, wait. It's not that‒"

" _Fuck off."_ Dean jerked out of his grasp and tried to elbow him in the gut. He flung the door open. Cas grabbed at him again. He yanked his arm away but Cas had a death grip on it. He turned around and glared, "Let me go."

"No." Cas said trying to sound firm instead of like he was falling apart on the inside, probably both figuratively and literally. He needed Dean to understand. "Listen to me."

Dean jerked his arm down again. He didn't want to listen to a damn thing Cas had to say. He'd had enough. He knew enough about the apocalypse to be, he'd protect Sam, keep him out of hunting, and everything would be fine. He didn't need Cas to do it.

Cas took a steady breath, "Sam's ability to exorcise demons comes from demon blood." 

"Yeah, you just so helpfully sprung that one on me." Dean growled.

"No. Not like that." Cas said. He had hoped he'd never have to actually tell Dean what Sam had done, what he _would_ do, what guilt he would carry with him for the rest of his life. "Sam has to _drink_ demon blood to be able to do it and he does while you're-" He pointed down hoping Dean caught his meaning: Hell, "He thinks he's helping people but..." Cas trailed off as Dean's eyes went wide and hurt. Cas felt his chest ache. He wanted to pull Dean in closer and hold him and lie and tell him everything would be fine. But Dean hadn't let him do that in years, "He was tricked. Yes, it saves a few people here and there but it's a trick. It's..." Cas looked over his shoulder at Lily. He didn't want to blurt out in front of a stranger that Sam would be tricked into becoming Lucifer's host. That would only start more trouble, "....it's _very_ important that he doesn't start doing that."

Dean stared at Cas as the horror sunk in. That's how it started? He went to Hell and couldn't protect Sam and Sam started _drinking demon blood?_ And _then_ he let him run off to go get possessed by the Devil? What the hell would demon blood do to a person?

Lily coughed.

Dean leaned around Cas. He tugged at his arm. Cas let it go this time. Dean tried to bury the cold feeling that was clawing at his gut, "Lily, ah...we'll come back tomorrow and figure out a way to help you but uh...we gotta go."

Before Lily could protest Dean jogged down the front step and towards the car. He felt like a coward taking off like that after dumping all that on Lily but he couldn't deal with her _and_ Cas _and_ himself _and_ Sam _and_ the apocalypse _and and and_. He could hear Cas following him. He didn't look back. He made it to the car without punching anything and got in. He waited for Cas to get in then very calmly turned and grabbed the front of Cas's shirt and yanked him closer. He bared his teeth at him and hissed out his demand, "I'm going to find a room for the night and once we do you are going to tell me _**everything**_ _."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References
> 
> The Judy Barton-San Juan-James Stewart-Madeleine thing, it's all a reference to Vertigo (1958)....you might want to look up the plot to that...for reasons.  
> "So say we all." Battlestar Galatica (2003 - 2009)  
> The title is from the Wizard of Oz (1939). The response to the question is: "I'm not a witch at all." And holy crap 1939? Really? I didn't realize how old Wizard of Oz actually is.
> 
> ...I'm mildly worried about the number of movie quotes and references I just know off the top of my head. I don't even watch tv or movies all that much these days but evidently I consumed huge quantities of media growing up. 
> 
> Also, yes, I know Sam had premonitions and telekinesis. There are reasons for all this.
> 
> I kind of figure Lily would be almost fearless because people literally can not hurt her without dying for it.


	19. The Trouble In Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I may have been less than perspicuous about certain events."

Dean had figured Cas was going to spend the whole car ride acting like a complete asshole. Instead he just sat quietly in the passenger seat and stared ahead, sometimes he turned and stared at him for a few minutes until Dean told him off. It was rule number three after all: quit freakin' staring.

It was kinda hard to stay righteously pissed at the guy when he didn't say two words and kept looking at him like he was terminally ill. Oh, he was still fucking pissed off about all the secrets and sarcasm and sorta gay stuff and....and well, all the _Cas_ stuff, but he probably wasn't going to punch the dude out. Probably. At least not in the car. Who knew, maybe Cas would outdo himself once they checked into a motel.

Dean stopped at a motel called the Grand Star. He parked the car and checked them in then went back for his stuff and Cas. Cas was still being all shady and weirdly quiet. Dean opened the trunk and shot a sideways glare at Cas. That asshole better not think he could just use the silent treatment and get away with not saying anything. That was _not_ gonna fly after what Cas had said.

"Where's the rest of the Vicodin?" Cas asked. He wasn't sure if Dean had been keeping it in his bag or in with the weapons but he was going to need it if Dean wanted to talk about the Apocalypse.

Dean laughed. Right. As if he was going to let Cas have that while he was trying to get some answers. "Uh, let me think about that... Oh, right it's in the box marked, not fucking happening."

Cas arched an unamused eyebrow at him. Dean wanted to know _everything._ He had spent the last half an hour trying to work out just how much truth there needed to be to that _everything_ so that Dean wouldn't make him leave. He knew he'd never make it on his own; he was practically useless in 2005. If it took reliving some of his worse memories to make Dean let him stay he'd do it. But he wasn't about to do it sober. "Have you honestly not noticed that the only time I string together two words about what's going to happen is if I'm messed up on something?"

Dean rolled his eyes. He wasn't falling for it. Cas was just trying to weasel more drugs out of him because he was a raging addict. "Dude, you are the definition of messed up. You don't need pills for that."

"Thank you for pointing that out. I hadn't noticed." Cas retorted angrily. Thinking about having to think about the Apocalypse was making him agitated enough as it was. Actually talking about it was going to be so much worse. He didn't need Dean pointing out how useless he was on top of that. He glared hard at Dean, "If you're not going to let me take the edge off _chemically_ you're not going to get much out of me because I doubt you're willing to [help me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/8242162) any other way."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Dean narrowed his eyes because no fucking way was he trading _freakin' **sex** _ for information. Cas had another thing coming if that's what he thought he was gonna try and pull. Even if he was hypothetically willing to bang a dude (he wasn't) it was definitely not gonna be _Cas._

"What do you think it means?" Cas snapped. How was he supposed to tell Dean _everything_ sober? He could barely talk about it drunk without turning into an emotional wreck. It was disgusting really.

Before Dean could open his big dumb mouth and channel his future self Cas shoved him aside. If Dean wouldn't tell him where he was hiding the Vicodin than he'd just make sure he had enough booze to drown himself in.

Dean wheezed as all the air was pushed from his lungs. He stumbled backwards and glared at Cas. That had felt like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. The whole nephilim thing was looking more likely than ever. He sucked in a few angry lungfulls of air then shoved himself back in front of the trunk putting himself between Cas and the booze, "You're not getting all screwed up and passing out on me before I get my damn answers!"  

"I am **_not_** talking about watching everyone around me get eaten, torn to pieces, starve to death, turned into monsters, or just _die_ while **_sober_** _!"_ Cas snarled. He pushed Dean out of his way again. He unzipped his duffle bag and tossed in a few bottles of booze. At least they had bought all the essentials before he had screwed things up. He angrily zipped his bag up and shouldered it. He grabbed Dean's bag then slammed the trunk closed. "Lead the way _Fearless Leader."_

Dean scowled at the name. He didn't know why Cas used it like a swear word or what was supposed to be so insulting about it but he got the drift that he _was_ being insulted and that was enough for him. He seriously considered decking Cas right there, but he managed to rein himself in. Sam would be proud. He clenched his jaw and started marching towards the motel room.

Dean opened up the motel door, clenching his jaw so tight he was sure he was going to crack a tooth. He grabbed his bag off Cas because he didn't need the hippy getting all touchy with his things and tossed it on the floor beside the table. The door closed behind him. He turned on his heel. He folded his arms and glared at Cas, "Alright. Spill."

Cas ignored him and set his bag down on the nearest bed. He took out a bottle and drained a quarter of it. He held it up and squinted at it. That wasn't going to be enough to talk about the last four years. He drank another quarter. He glanced over at Dean who was still busy looking at him with that _you disgust me_ look. He looked away and took a few more gulps of liquor. He sat down on the edge of the bed. "Give it a few minutes to kick in."

Dean grumbled and growled as he pulled a chair out and threw himself in it, "You're not getting out of telling me."

"I'm not trying to." Cas said sounding defeated. He wasn't. He was trying to make it hurt less. He was afraid he had finally pushed Dean to get rid of him and angry that Dean didn't just _know_ the painful details, hadn't shared in them. It all amounted to a twisty ball of emotions caught in his chest that he didn't know what to do about. He sipped from the bottle like the honorary Winchester he was. He laughed ruefully, "I'm just not very good at being human."

"I'll say." Dean said rolling his eyes. Except for digging graves and getting high he wasn't sure what Cas _was_ good at.

Cas finished off the first bottle and opened the second. He breathed deep, "I'm sorry. I may have been.....less than....perspicuous about certain.... _events."_

Dean pressed his lips into a tight line. He didn't have a freakin' clue what _perspicuous_ meant but he could figure out enough to know it meant Cas had been keeping secrets. "Yeah, well start _perspicuating_ on those events because I've had it up to here-" He brought his hand to eye level, "-with you."

Cas turned away. Despite the disapproval in Dean's voice he couldn't help the soft smile at Dean's attempt at conjugation. He gulped down a mouthful of booze and took another deep breath. He hung his head down and ran his fingers through his hair, "We were.... you have to..... it was trial by ordeal and we knew we'd die...." He ran his fingers through his hair again. How did he say this? "I don't really know where to start.... "

"Start with Sam and the freaky demon blood power." Dean said. He'd get the rest of it too but that's what he _needed_ to hear first. He needed to know Sam wasn't gonna....go dark side or something on Jess. Sam would never get over that.

Cas refrained from sarcastically saying, _of course Sam, where else?_ He was still determined to try harder, even if Dean had been making it difficult and he had ran his mouth screwed things up. "The demon blood....we didn't know how he was fuelling the ability to exorcise and kill demons at first but..." Cas's eyebrows furrowed as he thought back to that first time he had met Sam in person. He had coldly wondered how an abomination could be brother to the Righteous Man. He took another sip from the bottle, "While you were in Hell Sam developed a....a _relationship_ with a demon named Ruby. He'd drink blood from her, use her to power up." He scratched at his forehead, "It makes a lot more sense in retrospect about Azazel favouring Sam. Have a boy, capable in his own right, supercharged on demon blood lead Hell's first charge. I imagine Sam could have kept a demon army in line."

" _What?"_ Dean's eyes went wide. Holy fuck. There was a _demon army_ running around and Cas had just forgotten to tell him about it? Who did that!? "What _demon_ army?"

"Oh. Ah...well...." Cas punctuated his words with sips form the bottle. He hadn't really told Dean much about that, had he? He probably should have. ".....do you remember what I said about opening Hell? That there were sixty six seals that needed to be broken?"

"Yeah. Demons bust the seals and the Devil breaks free." Dean said. It felt like ages ago that Cas had told him the story about starting the apocalypse. He hadn't been sure he had believed it at the time and he didn't want to now.

"Yes. But in order for demons to break the seals there first needs to be demons." Cas said. He did his best to explain how Azazel was plotting to open a Gate of Hell and unleash the demon army that would eventually break the seals. He polished off a second bottle while he was at it. Maybe it would help the headache that wouldn't go away. He opened up the next bottle just to make sure.

Dean's stomach twisted into knots as he listened. They screwed up and let a _demon army_ loose on the world? And Sam was supposed to _lead it?_ He felt like he might throw up. He shook his head, "I don't get it. I mean, I don't want Sam _drinking **demon blood**_ but if you're not completely full of shit and we let those demons out wouldn't it be a good thing to drain'em and kill'em?"

Cas had the bottle half way to his mouth. He paused to shake his head before bringing the bottle to his lips. He took four long gulps. He was going to need them. "It's all a trick to ready Sam to be Lucifer's vessel."

Cas licked at his lips. He took another slug of booze and picked a point on the wall to stare at because he really didn't want to look at Dean while he explained how Sam had to say yes. "Lucifer is... _hard_ on his vessels. For most people it's like....shoving a nuclear reactor into a paper bag but for some people, for Sam, if they strengthen themselves with demon blood beforehand Lucifer can enter them..." He closed his eyes and let out a long defeated breath, "But first he has to say yes."

"Huh?" Dean said. He definitely didn't follow whatever weird logic Cas was using. "Say yes to what?"

"He has to consent." Cas said. He titled the bottle up and gulped down more. It still hurt even after he'd had years to contemplate it. Sam had said yes. They had been trying so desperately to stop the Apocalypse and Sam had said yes.

".....to what?" Dean asked since Cas was being a dick and not just saying what he meant.

"To being Lucifer's vessel." Cas said. His voice sounded far more nonchalant than he felt. It was like finding out for the first time all over again. Sam had said yes, Dean had been a wreck, and he had been completely and utterly useless.

"....he has to give the go ahead?" Dean said. The Devil had to _ask_ to possess someone? That sounded like a load of bull. He waved his hand in a _come on over_ motion, "Sam has to say, hey Lucifer come on in? He has to _ask_ for it?"

Cas nodded as he drank and was haunted by the simple question why? He still didn't know _why_ Sam had said yes in the end. Had he made some deal with Lucifer for their safety? Had he thought he could take back control and kill himself and Lucifer? Had he just given up? Cas had gone over every possibility a million times and he had never come up with a satisfactory answer to why. He hoped Dean wouldn't ask him. He wasn't drunk enough to contemplate why with Dean.

Dean thought it over carefully. Sam had to drink a bunch of demon blood _and_ tell the Devil that he wanted to be BFFs? Yeah fucking right. "Sam wouldn't do that."

Cas stared down at the bottle as he rolled in his hands. "I didn't think so either. No one thought he would. It was suicide. For him and everyone else on the planet. But he said yes and then it was Goodbye Detroit, hope angelic blast wave and croats was the look you were going for. It's going to be fashionable next fall." He laughed at the world _fall._ It was a terrible pun.

Dean didn't think his stomach could twist up any more than it already had but hearing _that_.... It had to be lies....but why would Cas lie about that? What would he get out of lying about that? He shook his head, "He _wouldn't._ He wouldn't whore himself out to the Devil and start the apocalypse. Sam's upset about killing someone who's possessed."

Cas snorted in derision, "So?" He sipped from the bottle, "You are too, but a few years from now you'll gun down humans for supplies with me and call it a good day." Cas downed another slug of booze and waved dismissively at the disgusted noise Dean made, "What? It's not as if they were _innocent_. You think all monsters aren't human?"

Dean clenched his jaw. He _wasn't_ a killer. Dad may have trained him to hunt monsters but he wouldn't kill humans‒ except he kind of had already, hadn't he? Zach Warren was dead and planted six feet under because of him.

Cas caught a subtle flinch go through Dean. He gulped down more liquor then turned to smirk at him, "Too gritty reboot for you?"

"Too _what?"_ Dean asked. Cas opened his mouth to answer. He stopped him with a raised hand and shook his head. Cas was going to veer off on some ridiculous sidetrack. He wanted answers. Not...whatever it was Cas was talking about. "Look, I don't wanna hear—"

"But you said **_everything_** _."_ Cas cut in. It wasn't fair if Dean got to pick and choose what _everything_ meant when he had to remember _all of it._ "I mean it wasn't _always_ bad. You weren't always a _complete_ asshole. But- alright, it was bad _most_ of the time." He took a few more gulps from the bottle and turned a wild eyed look on Dean, "Do you-" He pointed the bottle at Dean. The booze sloshed, "-know what it _sounds_ like when a mob of people tear someone apart while they're still alive? Because I-" He pointed to himself with the bottle, "-can tell you. And the smell. You wouldn't think it has its own unique smell but it _does."_

"Look, I don't need the gory details." Dean said while he tried to not imagine what 28 Days Later would _smell_ like. "I just need you to quite fucking hiding shit from me."

"Oh so you think I've been internalizing the Apocalypse because it was fun?" Cas asked sarcastically. He drained the third bottle and flopped backwards on the bed. There weren't any fleas or ticks or bedbugs (or Deans) for company. "Everything you want to know is a gory detail....except for the sex. You know, I never appreciated the meaning of dry spell until I came here...now."

"Dude. No." Dean made a face. He should have told Cas to lay off drinking after the second bottle because they were getting firmly into the territory of shit he didn't want to know about. "I don't wanna hear about a bunch of gay sex featuring me."

Cas held up his hand and started counting fingers off, "First, don't be so full of yourself. I've had plenty of gay sex without you. Second, you're a prude. Third, I'm well versed in straight sex too. Fourth, I've never understood why humans make such a fuss over their partners' genitals when reproduction isn't what's in mind."

"I'm not a prude. I just don't wanna hear about _any_ sex with _you_ involved." Dean said. He got up and took the bottle off Cas. Almost three bottles of booze was enough. Cas tried to snatch it back. Dean smacked his hand away. Cas grumbled but didn't try to be a brat and take it back. Dean grabbed a cap off the floor and screwed it back on the bottle. He sat back down. "I wanna hear about the apocalypse."

"No you don't." Cas said to the ceiling. Why would anyone voluntarily listen to _anything_ about the Apocalypse?

"Yeah I do." Dean said. He rubbed at his forehead. He just wanted to be mad at Cas. He didn't want to babysit a drunk. "So Sam is some kind of demon messiah, how's Lily Baker fit into this?"

"Product testing I guess?" Cas said still staring blankly at the ceiling. "Azazel wants the best and brightest. What better way than a battle to the death? No one knew it would be Sam in the end." Cas said. He shivered when he added on, "And Sam didn't even come out on top. He died. That's why you....." He fell silent. He couldn't say, sold your soul and went to Hell and broke and started the Apocalypse. It wasn't really Dean's fault anyway. He should have fought harder to get there in time. He couldn't tell him about finding that bright human soul twisting into something dark. What did it matter anyway? Dean didn't need to know what he had done in Hell to know it was a bad idea to sell his soul.

"Sold my soul." Dean finished when Cas just drifted off in a drunk daze, "I sold my soul and left Sam alone to start drinking demon blood. I pretty much start the Apocalypse because I wasn't there for Sam."

"No. No, it wasn't your fault." Cas said adamantly. He rolled over onto his stomach and hung his head off the side of the bed so Dean wouldn't see the pain in his eyes. How had he managed to make Dean think it was all his fault? How was Dean still blaming himself for it even though it hadn't happened yet?

"And Dad...." Dean said thinking of the list. He hadn't seen it in weeks but he knew the important parts on it. "Dad sells his soul to save me."

"Uh huh." Cas said rubbing at his eyes as tears threatened. He could have stopped everything if he had fought harder. He could have saved Dean and the world with him. But instead he was letting Dean think it was his fault again. He was such a fucking coward. He should just tell him‒ but then he'd have to tell Dean about torturing in Hell. "Demons and a car accident. You said it was pretty bad."

"Right." Dean said. He pretended not to hear the waver in Cas's voice because he _so_ did not need that right now. He wiped his hand over his face, "Okay, so we keep Sam alive and not drinking demon blood and I don't sell my soul. We keep me alive to stop Dad from selling his soul."

"I'd suggest not telling Sam that he can exorcise demons." Cas said to the floor. "He'll only see the good in it."

"Yeah." Dean said. That he could agree with. Sam would want to save anyone he could and use his superpowers for good if he found out. He'd probably feel guilty about Zach Warren and start _looking_ for demons so he could help people without them getting hurt. It all stank of the road of good intentions.

Dean thought it all over and had to wonder if he should even be looking for Dad if he was what got him killed in the end. He sighed to himself. He'd figure that out when he got there. "Who's Adam and Rick?"

"Adam and Nick." Cas said. He had hoped that Dean would never ask about Adam because he _had_ to lie. If Dean had wanted this Dean to know who Adam was he'd have wrote it down. But he didn't. Dean hadn't wanted Sam to get back into hunting, obviously he didn't want Adam to even _know_ about it. Knowing about it was the first step of getting involved. "Nick is the vessel Lucifer first took while he waited for Sam to say yes."

"And Adam?" Dean asked.

"Michael's vessel." Cas said. He wasn't going to betray his Dean just so this one could have a family reunion that could only end badly and he was most certainly _never_ telling Dean he had the option of saying [yes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223015/chapters/8242315). The moment a Winchester knew self sacrifice was an option they practically threw themselves at it.

"Angels need hosts?" Dean said surprised. He'd figured angels just sort of.... _were._

"Obviously. Our true visages are overwhelming at best to human senses." Cas said. An old bubble of guilt boiled up. Pamela Barnes. Maybe he could try to find her and warn her not to spy on angels. "I nearly burst your ear drums several times before I found a vessel."

Dean's face contorted into disgust, "....you're _possessing_ some poor bastard?"

"Not anymore." Cas said. He rolled over onto his back. He swiped a hand down himself, "Nobody in here but me."

"....so you're not an angel?" Dean said warily. He _knew_ he was gonna catch Cas in a lie about it sooner or later.

"Well, in a way. I'm something. I was once. I'm mortal now." Cas said. It turned out trying to put the words together to explain what it meant to be mortal and fallen and an angel was hard after nearly three bottles of hard liquor ".....I'm what happens when an angel is abandoned by Heaven." Cas let out a harsh laugh, "And they didn't even _tell me._ You'd think they'd have stopped in to gloat once or twice. My family really are a bunch of winged dicks."

Dean stared at Cas confused. So...angels possessed people like demons? ...but if they went and got their mortality on they....what? Just.... _made_ a body? He shook his head. All the weird Cas stuff could just wait. He'd tell Sam about it later. In the meantime he wanted answers. "Okay so Nick and Adam are what Lucifer and Michael wear to prom but who the hell _are_ Adam and Nick? How are we supposed to find them and stop them from giving the go ahead on the apocalypse?"

Cas cringed. He was glad he was facing away from Dean. Dean would catch on the moment he saw his face. He squeezed his eyes shut and told half a lie, "I don't know. I'd recognize them if I saw them. I thought I'd just keep an eye out for them."

"That's your genius plan?" Dean said skeptically, "Keep an eye out for them?"

"My genius plan is _not starting the Apocalypse_. If we don't start it, it doesn't matter who Adam and Nick are." Cas said. He'd find Adam and make sure he was safe like Dean wanted. Safe from angels, ghouls, and hunting. As for Nick, he really _didn't_ know how to find Lucifer's first vessel. Not starting the Apocalypse- not letting Lucifer out of his cage- really was their best course of action.

Dean groaned because if Cas wasn't feeding him the most ridiculous fucking lies imaginable than the entire plan to stop the apocalypse was, _don't start the apocalypse._ They were fucking doomed if he left Cas to deal with this on his own. "Alright, so what's step one in starting the apocalypse? We figure out what that is and don't do it."

"There isn't really a step one." Cas said. He sat up and motioned to Dean, "Your whole lives have been one long step. Everything you've ever done is leading you to that point."

"Thanks. That's really helpful." Dean said. That was really great to know. His whole life was basically cursed.

"You're welcome." Cas said. He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair until it was standing nearly on end. He grabbed his duffle bag and dragged it closer. Dean may have stolen the open bottle of liquor but he had more.

He pulled out the whiskey he had brought in. He held it out to Dean. "Drink with me."

Dean narrowed his eyes at the bottle. He glared at Cas. No fucking way was he getting drunk with the grabby hippy while they were alone in a motel room....not that he couldn't take Cas if he tried something, he just didn't want to deal with it.

Cas rolled his eyes as he watched Dean work himself up. "I'm drunk, not a rapist." He thrust the bottle at Dean a second time. Dean's lips pulled into a tight line that Cas knew meant _I've had enough of your bullshit._ Cas shrugged, "Suit yourself." He opened the whiskey. He was busy draining the bottle when Dean took it away from him. He scowled at him, "I thought you said you didn't want any."

"I don't." Dean said. He put the bottle down on the table. At least he had taken Jess's advice and put a limit on how many bottles of industrial gut rot Cas could buy at a time. "And I'm not dealing with you getting all gross and crying and drunk. We're talking about the apocalypse and whatever else you've been keeping secret from us."

Cas squinted at him. He threw himself backwards on the bed. "You're an asshole and I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Tell me something new." Dean said rolling his eyes. For fuck's sake. His least favourite hippy was halfway to plastered and he probably hadn't even giving the low down on _half_ the shit he knew.

"You're allergic to Pantene shampoo." Cas said seizing the opportunity to change the topic.

Dean shrugged in confusion. "What?"

"You wanted to know something new." Cas said in a singsong. "You're allergic to Pantene products."

Dean had to stare for a moment. What the hell was Cas talking about? "No, I'm not."

"Yes you are." Cas said. He chuckled thinking back on it. Dean had been a miserable bastard for _days._ Bobby hadn't stopped teasing him. "You broke out in a rash and complained for days."

"I'm not allergic to anything." Dean retorted.

Cas snorted. "You're allergic to cats and Pantene shampoo." He chuckled at Dean grumbling half baked threats. Cas could tell he was already planning to go out and buy some new shampoo just to prove the point. "I know a disgusting amount about you, Dean. We can pretend that I don't if you want to but I wouldn't recommend trying the shampoo just to spite me."

"Knock it off." Dean said. It wasn't like he'd ever buy that frou frou girl shampoo anyway. "We're not talking about me, we're talking about stopping the apocalypse."

Cas clenched his fist into the blankets, "I said I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"And I'm saying tough shit, _Castiel."_ Dean growled. Cas kept trying to drag his feet and get them off topic. He wasn't falling for it and he wasn't putting up with it. He fixed Cas with a hard stare.

Cas glared right back at that asshole. He wasn't going to talk about it anymore. He didn't want to remember and he didn't want to lie. Dean's face started getting red with anger. Cas's heart started to race when Dean opened his mouth. He was sure Dean was going to tell him he was leaving him in this motel room. That this was it. He was on his own. Dean had had enough of his shit. Just like last time.

"Don't leave me." Cas blurted out. He couldn't lose Dean again. It had nearly destroyed him last time. He wouldn't be able to hold it together a second time. "I can't do this alone and I don't have anyone else. You're all the family I have left."

Dean pressed his hand over his face. Fuck. He wasn't getting sucked into _that_ again. He swiped his hand down his face, "Dude, we are not family. You're some...weird guy I know that knows _way_ too much about me. That doesn't make you family that makes you my creepy stalker."

"....the things I've done for you...." Cas whispered. Everything he had ever done! He had chosen Dean over Heaven! The people he had let die or killed to save him! The countless times he had been there for him! That didn't make him family? He snatched up the alarm clock on the bedside table and yanked. The cord came from the wall. He threw it at Dean.

Dean ducked. The alarm clock hit the wall behind him and shattered into pieces. "Hey!"

"You don't get to just—" Cas froze. He blinked and looked around the room. His eyes went wide. This was the wrong time and the wrong place. He shuffled back on the bed until he was swinging his legs out on the other side. He'd lock himself in the bathroom where he could turn the shower on to scolding hot and burn away all the pain.

"Hey! Don't pull your sulky teenager act on me! We're still talking about this!" Dean yelled. He was half out of his chair and ready to drag Cas back and _make_ him keep talking but Cas slumped back down to the bed. Dean glared at him. Cas hunched his shoulders and looked away. Dean sat back down. He brushed bits of plastic casing from the clock out of his hair. "And don't you dare think about pulling that stunt again. You don't want to get left behind? Well keep pulling shit like that and that is _exactly_ what's gonna happen."

Cas sat at the edge of the bed and wiped at his eyes. "I'm sorry....you just....you look like someone I know." Cas said. Dean snorted. Cas winced. He turned away from Dean as the tears that had threatened started flowing, "I know you're not.... _him_. Not now at least." Cas laughed sadly to himself, "I don't know if it's worse that I want you to be him or that I don't want to go back. You can't be him unless Lucifer burns the world and....and I'm afraid of going back there. I don't want to do that again but....you're all that I have."

Dean rubbed at his forehead. Every fucking time this asshole got drunk he turned on the waterworks. And every fucking time _he_ had to deal with it. "Fuck. Look, you keep saying you're an angel sort of, and from all your drunk rambling I'm gettin' that the angels are still here. So..." He made a wild flailing upward motion, "I dunno, what's stopping you from just....popping back up in Heaven and saying you're home?"

Cas blinked in shock. The tears stopped. He turned and studied Dean trying to figure out if he was seriously suggesting he go back to Heaven. He stared blankly before breaking out in laughter. Dean was serious. _Heaven_. **Right**. He'd just _pop back in._ He huffed out another amused chuckle.

"No. I wasn't lying when I said you're all I have left. My _siblings_ -" Cas paused to air quote the word "-would kill me if they knew I existed. And my Father?" Cas laughed bitterly amused. His Father hadn't cared when the world was dying around them. Why would he care now? He shook his head. "No. I when I chose to side with you that was it for my _Heavenly_ family. I've got you and that's it."

Cas rubbed at his eyes. They were probably bloodshot to hell and back from crying and drinking. _Drinking_. He could do more of that. He eyed the whiskey on the table. Dean's drink of choice. He got up and grabbed it, pulling out of Dean's grasp when he tried to stop him. He sat back on the bed and paced himself this time as he sipped form the bottle.

"You're all that I have left and you don't even like me." Cas said. He smiled sadly at the bottle in his hands, "I can't blame you either. I mean, look at me." He waved a hand down himself, "I'm a mess. I drink too much and I eat painkillers like vitamins if I'm given half the chance. I forget who you are sometimes. I say things just to get a rise out of you. I smoke in your car and lie about it, badly." He tilted the bottle back against his lips and let the whiskey slosh into his mouth. He swallowed slowly then sighed, "It's not like I don't know what I'm doing. I just...I don't know what to _do_ about any of this and when I don't know what to do I ask you. Except now you don't know either. _I'm_ supposed to be the one that knows what to do now and I _don't."_

Dean shifted uncomfortably in his chair because that sounded a lot like that talk he kept trying to have with Cas and now that they were having it he realized he really didn't want to. It was all.... _emotional_ and stuff. "Right...well....uh..."

"But you wanted to talk about the Apocalypse." Cas said. He got up and grabbed one of the paper cups on the dresser. He filled it up halfway and placed it in front of Dean. He sat back down on the bed, "March fourth two thousand and ten, the angels all left because they weren't dumb fucks like me and knew a lost cause when they saw one."

\---

Dean slipped outside and closed the door behind him. He sipped at his paper cup of whiskey. He had refilled it once Cas passed out because he fucking _needed_ it after that horror story. He knew Cas had glossed over some things (especially the sort of gay stuff) but even the _apocalypse lite_ story he got was enough to make his face pale and his stomach twist. How the fuck was he supposed to stop _that_ runaway train?

He fumbled his phone out and dialled Sam's number. He leaned against the door and waited. Sam picked up on the third ring.

"Dean?"

"Hey Sammy." Dean said. He still couldn't wrap his head around the idea that a demon, _The_ Demon, had messed around with Sam as a baby; had bled on him and made him some kind of demon messiah. "How's Jess‒ and Rebecca?"

"Jess is.....she's been sitting with Rebecca since she woke up. Bec's....well....you know."

"Yeah." Dean said. He knew. Or he might at least one day. If he screwed up _his_ brother might be the one possessed and gunning for him one day.

"How's Cas?"

"Drunk and passed out." Dean said. He sipped at the paper cup. He'd like to be the one drunk and passed out. Cas was terrible at telling bedtime stories.

"Dean....you really shouldn't let him keep doing that."

"It's not like I can stop him." Dean said defensively. He had tried to grab the whiskey off Cas but Cas had just barrelled through him like he wasn't there. "And I can't blame him for it tonight at least. He finally spilled his guts about how the apocalypse goes down."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's a pretty good reason to be damn drunk half the time." Dean said. He took another sip. "If half of what he says is true we are in for one hell of a ride. I'll fill you in when we finish dealing with the case."

"So it was a case?"

"Oh...yeah..." Dean hesitated. Fuck. If he told Sam that Lily was one of those demon blood cursed kids he'd have to start telling him about how he's one of them. Sam wasn't stupid. He'd connect the dots even if he left out the parts about him. "Witch curse. Cas says he knows how to break it."

"Did you find anything about Dad?"

"Nothing. Dude's a ghost when he wants to be, even if he was here I doubt I'd find anything." Dean said. He drained the paper cup. "You work out anything else about nephilim? Cuz I'm pretty sure Cas is one and I'd like to know if I gotta sleep with one eye open."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because for a guy that's almost six feet tall and like ninety pounds and barely eats anything but booze he punches like Mike Tyson." Dean said. He rubbed at his chest where Cas had shoved him earlier. He was sure he was going to find an angry purple bruise there tomorrow. He didn't bring up that Cas had just finished telling him about being able to _fly_ because that was some ridiculous comic book crap right there. It was probably the booze talking anyway.

"Well...I didn't really get much else figured out. I've got homework and exams coming up."

Dean scoffed. Homework? Exams?

"I know it's not important to you but it's important to me."

Dean made a grumbling noise. It was _good_ that Sam was still trying to get his life together. If Sam stayed in school and Jess stuck around, well, maybe even if he wasn't there for Sam he wouldn't start drinking demon blood. "Yeah, yeah, nerd. Just tell me what ya got."

"Well, they don't seem to be inherently evil. There are some sketchy accounts claiming a nephilim took over this or that ancient city but honestly? It could just be the original source trying to make it sound like their city defense didn't get wiped out by an unorganized mob."

"That's good. Right?" Dean said.

"Yeah, I guess. It's not much to go on. But it's all I've got right now."

Dean made a noncommittal noise into the phone.

"....you okay?"

"Yeah." Dean said, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You seemed...kinda wound up this morning."

"I wasn't‒" Dean's face dropped when he realized that, _yeah,_ he had been wound up when he phoned Sam. Cas had dumped it on him that— He snorted into the phone. He did _not_ play for both teams. Cas's zombie rendition of the apocalypse had put it out of his head. "I wasn't wound up."

"Sure Dean."

"I wasn't." Dean insisted.

"Alright. You weren't. And you're not now either."

"Shut up." Dean retorted because he was awesome at come backs. He could practically _hear_ Sam rolling his eyes at the phone. "I wasn't. And I'm not. I gotta go....and stay away from chicks named Ruby. I'll explain when I get back."

"Ruby? Dean what're—"

Dean hung up. He put the paper cup to his lips and tilted it back. He frowned when he realized it was empty. He sighed. This whole liking dicks thing was ridiculous. Heh, ri **dic** ulous. He shook his head. It was...ludicrous. Nope, lu **dic** rous. ....absurd. The whole liking dicks thing was _absurd._ He had to stop Sam from being the demon second coming and stop Dad from selling his soul. He had to stop a whole fucking _apocalypse_ where Sam was playing one of the featuring actors and all he had was a drunk hippy who came with some forewarning. He didn't have time to not think about dicks.

He rolled his head back and let it knock against the door. "Fuck. What am I gonna do?'

He heaved a sigh and looked back down to his phone. He started punching in one of Dad's many numbers. He'd try them all if he had to.

None of them worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References
> 
> The Grand Star motel - my sneaky Canadian thing this update. Grand Star (2007-2008) is a Canadian sci fi. It's sort of the YA version of Snowpiercer but with more leather, cabaret, and psychic powers.  
> I think I may have unintentionally quoted a Shovels & Rope song for the title. 
> 
> Gritty Reboots. Oh man. Batman Begins would have just come out that summer. The rise of the Gritty Reboots as a popular genre begins!
> 
> Just in case your history is rusty, trial by ordeal was a life or death test to determine whether you were guilty or innocent of a crime. The way you proved that you were innocent was by surviving. Cas's particular wording is an allusion to Winchester family tradition about believing everything is their fault, thus guilty (I explain because I mentioned this in conversation not long ago and got blank stares when I said trial by ordeal, so I'm not sure how commonly known it is)


	20. What is the cost of doing business?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wouldn't in a _billion_ years give his amulet or ring to a stranger. He'd only ever trust family with them. So why did _Cas_ have them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot I was posting this tonight. So no click through links just now because it's 2am. I'll upload those in...well...a few hours. Once I've got some sleep.

Once he had dragged himself out of the pit of despair Dean had been seething mad again. Cas had _known_ about all the _demon blood_ stuff since he'd shown up and he'd been hiding it. Cas knew the gory details about how everything and everyone he had ever loved went straight to Hell; actual real Hell or Hell on Earth. Cas had known all that and sat on it.

Yeah. He had been pretty freakin' mad again once it had a chance to _really_ sink in.

He had been all ready to march back into the motel room and tell Cas to start packing. But he had gone back in to find the six foot ninety pound hippy and probable nephilim curled around a crappy motel pillow and that huge ass knife of his totally and completely passed out but softly whimpering _Dean_ and _Sorry_ in his sleep.

He should have just given him a kick in the ass and told him he could save Sam and Dad on his own and that he _wasn't_ the cold-hearted bastard Cas had talked about and to get out (here's the bus ticket) but instead he had grabbed the mostly empty bottle of whiskey and those scraps of paper with their doomsday notes that Cas had finally let him see again, along with the clones of his ring and amulet, and went out to the car.

And that was where he still was. Sitting in the car staring at his amulet and well... _Cas's_ _amulet_ trying to find proof that they weren't the same one. Except they both had the exact same chunk missing from his first run in with a werewolf and they both had the same scrape on the underside of the left horn from that time he had gotten too cocky in a bar. Cas's amulet had all the same scratches and scrapes and chunks missing as his did with a few extra. But if it was really ten years older it made sense. He lived a pretty rough life. Ten years was a lot of time to get a few new scrapes.

He dropped his amulet back down to his chest and worked his ring off. He looked over the other ring. His eyes flicked over every little scratch and dent. It even had the same ones on the _inside_ of the band.

"Fuck."

He jammed his ring back on.

He dropped the other ring and amulet onto the dashboard and stared at them. If he wasn't wearing his own he would never in a million years think the ring and amulet on the dashboard _weren't_ his. Even feeling the weight of his amulet on his chest and the press of the ring around his finger it was hard to get his brain to believe that the clones weren't the real deal.

.....but they _were_ the real deal. They were just a little bit older. And he wouldn't in a _billion_ years give his amulet or ring to a stranger. He'd only ever trust family with them. So why did _Cas_ have them? He tried not to think about the obvious reason.

He rubbed his hand over his face and groaned. He took a sip of whiskey and jammed the bottle back between his legs.

The thing was, he knew Cas wasn't faking his story. He had seen enough of Dad's old army buddies to know when a guy was bullshitting a story and when he was relieving a nightmare. They got this look in their eyes. It was different for everyone, some did the thousand-yard stare, others looked like they were being hunted, some guys smiled‒ which was fucking creepy. It was always different but there was something about it that made it obvious they were telling a truth no one wanted to hear. And that was how Cas had looked. Cas wasn't lying.

But if Cas wasn't lying then that meant he _couldn't_ save Dad and Sam on his own. Oh sure, he'd _try_ and he'd fail miserably and start up the apocalypse. He'd get Dad killed and then get Sam killed. Then sell his soul to get Sam back which meant leaving Sam on his own to turn into a blood junkie and invite the Devil in for lunch.

"Fuck."

He grabbed the note and list and read them over. It was weird seeing his own handwriting on a note that he had never written. It made his skin crawl. It felt like there was some guy out there pretending to be him. The first part of the note about not leaving Sam, _that_ sounded like him. But the rest of it? Wanting to give Cas a second chance because he screwed the dude up?

...okay maybe that part sounded like him too. If he had messed someone up as badly as Cas was, yeah he'd try to give them a second chance but.... He glanced at the points on the list that he was definitely not taking part in. But how the hell had it come to _that?_ How had he written that and given Cas his ring and amulet?

"What the hell future me?" Dean asked the note. He grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a gulp. He shoved it back between his legs and glared at the note and list and Cas's stuff which was actually _his_ stuff. "What the fuck were you- I- fuck, whatever. What were we _thinking?"_

How the hell had he watched the apocalypse go down and thought it'd be a good idea to start banging a _dude?_ A dude he _knew_ wasn't human. And why the hell had he thought sending that same guy who wasn't human and was screwed up seven ways from Sunday to try and save Sam and stop the apocalypse?

There had to have been _someone_ that was better equipped to stop him from letting the apocalypse start up. Hell, why hadn't he just come himself? If he had really wanted to save Sam, well the Devil wasn't Sam, Sam was _here_ and _now._ From what Cas said it sounded like Sam was long gone by two thousand and ten, maybe even earlier than that. So why had he stayed behind for the thing that had killed his brother in the end? Why had he sent someone else? Trusted someone else to save Sam? How could he trust someone else to save his family?

He glared at the amulet on the dashboard. Why the hell did it have to be _**Cas**? _

\---

Dean lurched awake when the car door squeaked open. The smell of coffee hit his nose. The door squeaked closed. He shook his head and turned to stare confused at Cas. "...how did you get in here?" He was damn sure he had locked the doors before he fell asleep.

Cas gave him a cockeyed look, "I learned my professional skills from you."

Dean wiped his hand over his face. "Yeah, that sounds like something I'd teach."

Cas pulled out creamers and sugar from his pocket and popped the lid off one of the cups of coffee. He stirred in the cream and sugar, snapped the lid back on, and handed the cup over to Dean.

Dean shook his head. "I take it black."

"You just tell people that." Cas said but he picked up the other cup and held it out anyway.

Dean looked down at the cup in his hand and the cup Cas was letting him swap it out for. He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh then just drank the coffee already in his hand‒ made up exactly how he liked it‒ because he wasn't a whiny bitch who had to have his way.

Cas stared at the items on the dashboard. He had looked for them this morning in the motel room with ever increasing panic until he realized Dean must have them. And there they were safe in the impala. He reached out and took the ring and amulet. No matter what happened in the next few minutes those were his now and he wasn't letting _any Dean_ take that back.

Dean started to speak just as Cas did. Dean motioned for him to continue.

Cas bit at his lip and kept his eyes on the dashboard. His heart was hammering in his chest, "I'll go if you tell me to." Wasn't that the truth? He'd put up with anything and everything from Dean. He wouldn't leave unless he told him to...even then he'd keep an eye on him from a distance. "If....if that's what you want. You can keep the list....and the money. I'll figure something out."

Dean stayed quiet. Cas's chest tightened up. Every second of silence seemed to drag on forever. Cas kept his eyes straight ahead. His stomach felt like it was being clawed from the inside out. He had woken up this morning and remembered the look in Dean's eyes from last night. Guilt. Betrayal. Disgust. Fear. He had told Dean a horror story and all things considered he was probably going to drag him through it in a few years because when it came down to it he inevitably failed at the important things. So he could add his own brand of misery to Dean's life for the next few years or he could let him get rid of baggage that wasn't even his, not really. He wasn't sure what he wanted, to be allowed to stay or to be sent away, punished for his failures.

Dean blinked in surprise. He hadn't really expected anything from Cas this morning except maybe some grouchy insults. He hadn't expected Cas to say he'd go. If anything he would have expected threats or begging to stay. He didn't really want to know anything about Cas but he kinda did and being alone was probably in the dude's top ten fears. Now he was offering to go.

He was tempted to take Cas up on his offer. It'd make his day to day life a hell of a lot easier. He ran his thumb over his ring. The same damn ring Cas had stuffed into his pocket. He was definitely tempted to take that offer....but he had Sam and Dad to think about, the whole damn world if he was feeling generous, and future him would fuck up and get everyone killed if he tried to wing this on his own.

He wasn't going to be a cold-hearted dick that was into dicks and screw the whole damn world up. He was gonna stop this before it happened. Dean shrugged, "You can stay....for now."

Cas let out the breath he had been holding. He hadn't been sure what this Dean would say. He knew what Dean would say to his family but Dean of the here and now didn't even think of him as a friend. He nodded and sipped at his coffee. "....you should probably contact Lily Baker and tell her we're not crazy."

"You think we can do something for her?" Dean asked. Maybe if they could stop Lily from being one of these Devil's chosen kids they could stop Sam from being one too.

"Maybe." Cas said. It was likely all they could do was delay the inevitable. "We can teach her how to defend herself against demons and I can fortify her house. Make it demon proof."

"Like the motel rooms." Dean commented.

Cas waved a dismissive hand, "Those are temporary precautions. Give me a week and I can make sure demons can't get in that house short of burning it down."

\---

It was unanimously agreed to not talk about it; just the way Dean liked it. He should be goddamned thrilled. He had finally gotten his answers _and_ a quiet Cas. He should be happy, smug even. He wasn't being kept in the dark anymore. Cas was keeping up his recent development in behaving like a mostly normal person and not talking about creepy sex things or taking pills like candy and drinking liquor like water. Okay maybe Cas was only doing those last two because he wouldn't let him buy more booze and he wasn't going to shop around for prescription drugs for him. But still, things should be looking up.

Except they weren't.

Even with a day between him and Cas's bedtime horror story those answers he had wanted so badly were weighing him down like a pile of bricks.

The future sounded like the plot of every apocalypse, monster, and slasher movie shoved into a blender and served chunky with a side of blood, rock salt, and guns. Heavy on the blood and guns. And the whole damn thing was his fault. Sure maybe Cas had tried to tell him it wasn't but it _was_. He was the one that would get Sam back into hunting and he was the one that would get him killed because he couldn't do his job and he was the one to let Sam take off on his own and say yes to the Devil instead of being there for him.

He really wished Dad would just freakin' phone him already so they could figure out what to do about Sam and the Apocalypse. But until then he'd just have to get used to the cinder block boots weighing him down and having a surly hippy as backup. ....jesus fucking christ they were all gonna get eaten by demon rage zombies.

But one problem at a time. They could get eaten by demon rage zombies later. First he had to try and smooth things out with Lily Baker so they could help her.

He bounced up the walkway to her house and knocked on the door fully expecting her to either not answer or just slam the door in his face.

Lily opened the door and gave him a supremely unimpressed look. She didn't say anything. She didn't have to.

Dean rubbed at the back of his neck under that stare down. "Yeah...so.....sorry for taking off after dropping the demon blood news. We...uh...had some things to clear up. But....we can help you....if you want us to help."

"....you can stop it?" Lily asked. She looked down at her hands.

Dean took half a step back. Those bare hands could go all Rogue on his ass if Lily felt like it. "Uh, I don't think we can do anything about that but we can make sure demons don't mess with you."

Lily dragged her eyes up slowly and for one brief second locked eyes with Dean. For a moment Dean thought she was going to say, _who the fuck cares if demons kill me?_

Lily glanced away and shrugged. "Alright." She leaned to the side and looked around, "What happened to the other guy?"

Dean jerked his thumb over his shoulder at the car parked across the road. "Made him wait in the car. He's not exactly... _tactful_ about this kind of thing."

Lily arched an eyebrow at him. "You lied your way into my house and went through my closet."

"Uh..." Dean shrugged and gave an exaggerated smile full of unabashed guilt, "Sorry?"

Lily let out an unimpressed huff but let him in. She went to the kitchen and sat down at the table surrounded by an assortment of empty liquor bottles.

Dean sat down across from her and pretended not to notice the bottles. Who was he to judge about the drinking? Cas had drank himself into a coma last night and he had done the same once Cas passed out. Drinking was a perfectly acceptable way to deal with problems in his book.

He sat up straight and took a breath then started telling Lily about demons and what they had planned for her. She watched him passively through the entire thing. It was creepy. When he got to the end she still hadn't said anything. He looked her over for signs of having had a total breakdown. Some victims of the supernatural would just check out instead of dealing with it. But she didn't have that blank look.

"You're taking all the demons and stuff pretty well." Dean said carefully.

She looked at him with an expression so dry it could scorch a desert, "I kill people with my hands." She pushed some bottles aside so she could put her elbows on the table, "Demons don't seem that wild."

"Yeah, you got a point there." Dean said. He shifted uncomfortably. People didn't usually just hop on board without any fanfare when they finally had the talk. He didn't actually know what to do when someone just one hundred and ten percent accepted it. He glanced around the bottles on the table. She probably hadn't accepted it last night...or maybe she had. Believing all this crap would be a pretty damn good reason to drink too.

"So how do I stay out of this big demon blood cursed kids showdown?" Lily asked. She tapped one of the empty bottles in front of her. "Or is that a part of the curse? Or whatever it is. That I can't get away?"

He sure as hell hoped that wasn't part of it because Sam was one of those cursed kids. "There's some-" He made an awkward hand motion in the air between them, "-stuff we can teach you." He jerked his thumb towards the car outside, "And Cas says he can demon proof your home."

"You can _demon proof_ something?" Lily said as if _that_ was finally too much for her to believe.

\---

Cas stared at the amulet and rolled the ring in his fingers. Dean was letting him stay. He had lied and kept things from him- was still keeping things from him- but he was letting him stay. His Dean hadn't let him stay.

He had wanted to stay. He had been ready to end it all. He had been ready to _finally_ stop fighting, for it to finally be _over_ , and then Dean had taken that away from him. Dean had sent him here to save everyone or to doom them all.

"No pressure." Cas said to the amulet. "Just an entire world. Not like you haven't failed at this before‒ oh wait, that was just a few weeks ago."

He glanced up to make sure Dean wasn't coming to the car. The coast was clear. He shoved the ring onto his finger. The finger Dean always wore it on. He curled his hand into a fist. The ring had collided with his jaw and rubbed against his dick with about equal frequency. Now it was usually stuffed into his pocket because Dean was as good as dead and he hadn't gotten to go on that final ride along. He hadn't been allowed to stay. He had done everything for Dean. He had promised, _always._ But he hadn't been allowed to stay.

Why had this Dean let him stay?

His eyes flicked up when he caught movement at the front of Lily's house. Dean was coming out the front door. He pulled at the ring. It wouldn't come off. He yanked harder. It still wouldn't come off. He glanced up. Dean was almost at the car.

He jammed his hand into his pocket just as Dean opened the driver's side door.

"Lily's in the know." Dean said leaning into the car. He glanced over his shoulder at Lily's house then back at Cas. "She's acting a little.... _weird_ but she's gonna let us play teacher and demon proof."

"Good." Cas said. He rubbed his thumb against the ring still trying to get it off. He didn't think Dean would be all too happy about the ' _hippy'_ wearing a matching ring and he didn't want to be seen wearing it either. He didn't need everyone knowing he was _that_ pathetic.

Dean gave him a _so hurry the fuck up_ look. "You coming or what? You're the demon proofing expert."

"Right." Cas said still worrying the ring. Why couldn't he get the damn ring off!?

Dean watched Cas fidget in the passenger seat for a moment before shaking his head, "I'm getting the spray paint." He closed the door and headed for the trunk.

Cas whipped his hand out of his pocket and gave the ring a sharp yank. He swore as the ring dragged at his skin but it finally slid off. He grabbed the amulet off the dashboard and stuffed both into his pocket.

Dean grabbed the spray paint and a rosary. Cas could start making the house into a modern art piece and he'd teach Lily how to make holy water. He closed the trunk and turned around only to come face to face with Cas. He definitely didn't let out a yelp.

"Don't do that." Dean said sternly. He shoved the can of spray paint at Cas.

Cas took the spray paint and absently shook it. "I'm going to need a few more things than just spray paint."

"Like what?" Dean asked.

Cas looked at the house and pulled up from memory what he could remember of the layout from yesterday. "Well, salt at the very least. A lot of salt. We'll need to make up more hexbags too. PVC pipe." He squinted at the front door and tried to remember how many windows the house had. "....a lot of iron...I just used railings and fence posts from empty houses but I suppose now we'd have to actually buy it....a hack saw and a grinder. Brackets, screws, razor blades...." He shrugged, "And I guess she'd probably want her walls back up after so drywall and mud and tape....." His eyes flicked back and forth across the front of the house trying to estimate how much of everything they'd need because they'd have to _buy_ things. He couldn't scout an area and bring a crew of people out to strip down houses and glean stores for supplies. "Do you have a measuring tape?"

Dean stared at him, "....what the hell are you planning on _doing?_ Remodelling?"

Cas arched an eyebrow at him, "Demon proofing." Cas turned back to the house. "......how much does iron and PVC pipe actually cost?"

\---

Cas maxed out three credit cards in just as many days. Dean was ready to have a fit. Cas didn't even _try_ to cut costs. He just acted really twitchy when people got too close in the hardware store and grabbed whatever he wanted without looking at the price tag. Dean put his foot down when Cas looked like he was seriously contemplating buying iron by the ton.

That was when Lily suggested they go to a store nearby where contractors dumped leftovers from jobs under the guise of charity. It was cheaper but not by much. It only gave him a mild stroke when Cas still came away with enough to build a small city. Thank god Lily had been willing to rent them a truck- after some hedging about why they were wanted in the state of California- because the suspension in his car would have been shot.

Dean hadn't thought demon proofing would involve so much shopping. And when the shopping was finally done it was all about digging trenches, one foot deep and one foot wide. Dean hadn't thought demon proofing a house would involve so much digging either but Cas wanted five concentric boxes all the way around the house so they could lay out the miles of PVC pipe they had stashed in Lily's backyard waiting to be filled with rock salt.

He really hated digging holes and he hated it even more that Cas made it look easy after digging for hours. Even a grave wouldn't take this long.

"You can take a break." Cas said not looking up from the ground. He tossed another shovelful of dirt to the side. Dean was huffing and puffing a few feet away from him cursing under his breath. They'd had started digging early this morning and now it was noon.

"I'm good." Dean said. No way was he taking a break. If the ninety pound hippy that barely ate could go all day so could he. ...there was a sex joke in there somewhere and he definitely wasn't gonna make it.

"Lily took a break." Cas said. Dean muttered something that sounded like, _Lily's a girl._ Cas smirked at him. "Would it make you feel better if I took a break first?"

Dean flipped him off and kept digging. Cas motored on to the other side of the house and left him behind in the dust. How the hell did Cas _do_ it?

Dean was wiping the sweat off his head when Cas took his shovel away then shoved a bottle of water and then a bottle of beer at him. Dean scowled at him.

"Go sit down before you pass out." Cas said. He elbowed Dean out of the trench and started digging.

Dean pursed his lips and thought about arguing but it would probably look girlier to actually pass out over a little hard labour than it would to just sit down for a minute. He went over and sat down on the ground in the shade of the house. Just until he was done the water and the beer. He cracked the beer first, "Guess old me would have collapsed by now."

Cas snorted in amusement. His Dean would have had a few hours left in him. This Dean was soft. "No but you still can't‒ couldn't keep up with me."

Dean made a throaty noise that was supposed to mean, _Well fuck you too buddy._ But it just made Cas chuckle at him. He gulped down beer because he was totally above being baited into some weird argument about his future self. He was. Definitely. "Yeah right. If _I_ can't do it than an old man me with back problems can't."

"Ah yes. The decrepit age of thirty five." Cas said. He bent down to pull a rock out of the soil. He tossed it aside. "You had better start looking for seniors' homes now, you've only got a few years left."

"Yeah well...." Dean watched Cas toss aside the small boulder like it was nothing. Holy crap Cas was freakin' strong. He watched the muscle ripple under Cas's sweat soaked shirt. He wrinkled his nose. He was _not_ looking like _that._ Cas was just right in front of him. Where else was he _supposed_ to look? He grumbled to himself and took a sip of beer.

"Least I'm not an old fogey like you." Dean said because that wasn't a lame come back at all. He covered it up by sipping at his beer again. He watched Cas dig thinking about what Cas had said the other week. If that was true Cas was the definition of _old._ But Cas couldn't really be _billions_ of years old. ".....how old are you anyway? I mean...you know...for real."

" _For real_ , my body stopped aging at thirty five but..." Cas tossed a few shovelfuls of dirt aside, "I think my ever continuing descent downwards has probably added a few years."

"So you're what? Forty?" Dean said. He flicked his beer cap at Cas. It bounced off Cas's back. He snickered. "Forty's old."

"That's probably not too far off‒ _physically."_ Cas said. He picked up the cap and flicked it back at Dean. "And as I've said before the part that's really me is quite a bit older. I make centennials look like spring chickens."

Dean studied Cas. Cas looked like a normal human but most monsters did. Monsters looked human but they tended to be stronger than humans, like Cas, and they never seemed to tire out, like Cas, and a lot of them were a hell of a lot older than the average human, like Cas. He needed to phone Sam up and see if he had made any headway on the nephilim front.

Lily came back out. She picked up her shovel. "Sorry that took so long. The neighbours wanted to know how much the new _sprinkler system_ was costing me."

"Too much." Dean said. He finished his beer and grabbed his own shovel. If everyone else was digging than so was he, even if Cas was an inhuman freak and Lily was some kind of super charged demon blood girl.

\---

"There's got to be something."

Sam massaged his forehead and held the phone away from his ear. He had barely slept in two days. He kept waking up with nightmares about what had almost happened to Jess. Dean complaining at him wasn't helping. "I don't know Dean. There really isn't anything hard to go on."

"Okay, what are the mushy things to go on?"

"Just what we've already noticed." Sam said. He flicked through his textbook. He really needed to get back to studying. He had shirked it yesterday to take another look into what Cas might be. "He's too strong to be human and he hasn't dropped dead from alcohol poisoning. Short of just....I dunno, shooting him and seeing if he dies or not I have no idea how to test if he's a nephilim."

"Shoot him?" Jess said horrified. Dean had already stabbed someone. He might actually do it. Her face contorted into a worried look, "You're not actually telling your brother to _shoot_ Cas?"

" _No."_ Sam said pressing the phone into the side of his neck. "It was a joke, a bad one." But on second thought... Dean _had_ just knifed a demon wearing one of his friends. He wouldn't have thought Dean would do that either. He twisted the phone back up to his mouth, "Dean. Do **not** shoot Cas."

"I'm not gonna shoot Cas. Jesus, I'm not some kind of criminal."

Sam could hear the eye roll that went with that. He didn't bother to mention that Dean _was_ a criminal. He nodded at the phone instead, "Good. Just....I dunno....why don't you just ask him?"

"Ask him? The dude was lying about all that apocalypse stuff. He could lie about that too."

"You said he came clean about all that, which, _you_ _haven't_ , I might add." Sam said. Dean still hadn't really explained everything Cas had said but whatever he had said Sam knew that Dean thought he was probably telling the truth and whatever that truth was it had Dean scared. What he couldn't figure out was why Dean was keeping quiet about it. "Seriously Dean, I'm less concerned about Cas possibly being a nephilim and more worried about whatever it was he said that has you spooked."

"Sam....it's not something I can just—"

Sam let out an exasperated groan. "Are you really gonna try and pull that big brother knows best crap on me?" That was met with an equally annoyed groan. Sam snorted at the phone, "Fine. Don't tell me. I've got a couple more books to check out about angels and nephilim. I'll phone if I find something."

He hung up on Dean before he could try and explain away why he couldn't just tell him whatever it was Cas had said. It really drove him nuts when Dean pulled the same crap Dad did. Dad not telling anyone anything was exactly what had made Dean come to him for help in the first place.

"What's going on?" Jess asked. Dean had phoned a couple days ago and said _something_ to Sam and ever since Sam had been quiet and moody. She wasn't really sure she could handle Sam being upset and Rebecca being traumatized and Zach being dead and all her projects and papers piling up before exams. She really hoped Rebecca's parents would show up soon so she could focus on her own problems and she felt horrible for wishing that.

"I don't know." Sam grumbled. He shook his head. He opened up his textbook and started reading.

"....for something that you don't know about it's sure got you upset." Jess commented. She grabbed one of her own textbooks and sat down on her bed.

Sam sighed. He put a pen down on the textbook to keep his page. "Sorry. Dean's just... he's keeping something from me." He frowned to himself. "I thought it might be about Dad but now....I dunno. He still won't explain who this Ruby woman is and every time he phones it's just to ask about what I've found out about Cas."

Jess's eyebrows furrowed. She didn't know what to say. Sam was upset that his brother wasn't telling him something? Sam hadn't told her _anything_ for years about what he used to do; was starting to do again. He probably wouldn't ever have ever told her if Dean and Cas hadn't shown up on their doorstep talking about demons and ghosts.

\---

Dean glowered at his phone. Sam had hung up on him. He shoved his phone into his pocket and grabbed the bag of take out beside him. He got out of the car and started marching towards the motel room door.

Why wouldn't Sam just trust him? ....what if this was an early sign of him going dark side? What the hell did he _do?_ If he went over there and got Sam and made sure he wasn't buddying up with the Devil then he'd be dragging Sam back into hunting and then he'd get caught up in all this demon crap with Lily. But if he left Sam on his own who the hell was gonna make sure he didn't go off and do it anyway?

He jostled the bag of take out in his arms and got his phone out again. He hurriedly texted Jess, _Keep an eye on Sam._

There was a beep a few seconds later. Jess had texted back, _What's going on?_

He snapped his phone shut and slid it back into his pocket. Jess would just blab to Sam. He needed to talk to her on her own, tell her what to watch out for. Then he'd figure out what to tell Sam.

He bustled into the room. Cas was sitting on his bed staring at nothing. Dean shook his head. He had seen Cas do that a few times but as far as he could tell Cas was staring at nothing. He was like a big cat watching an imaginary bug on the wall.

Dean dropped the bag of take out onto the table. "I got burgers." Dean started taking them out of the bag. Cas didn't say anything. He just kept staring. Dean tossed two burgers on the bed beside him. "Two apiece."

Cas glanced at the burgers then turned back to the point he was staring at on the wall.

"You're gonna have to come get your fries. I'm not a waitress." Dean said. Cas didn't move. He didn't even seem to notice he was talking. "Fine. They're just gonna get cold and gross...." Cas still didn't move a muscle. Dean closed his eyes and let out a long hard done by breath. Great. So Sam was pissed at him for not telling him all about how he'd cozy up with the Devil because his big brother was a failure and Cas was giving him the silent treatment because who the fuck knew why Cas was weird.

Well he could give Cas the silent treatment too. He pulled the fries out of the bag and started eating in silence more annoyed about the whole thing than he probably should be. It wasn't like he had almost gotten along with Cas today. Cas had just been less annoying. He bit into his burger and tried to chew in the most obnoxious and loud way possible.

Cas glanced over at Dean. Dean had stopped talking about getting rid of him, even jokingly, ever since he had told him about Sam and the demon blood. He had told Dean utterly horrible things and Dean had let him stay.

Cas picked up one of the burgers from the bed. Dean was letting him stay and making sure he ate. They had even gotten along, more or less, the last few days while they gathered supplies to demon proof Lily's home and today Dean had let him take care of him in return with only minimal complaints. He didn't get it. He had lied by omission for weeks. Dean knew he had lied. Why weren't they fighting? His Dean wouldn't have just let that go. He couldn't believe ten years would change Dean that much.

"Why aren't you mad?" Cas asked looking down at the foil wrapped burger still in his hand.

"Wh'f?" Dean asked through a mouthful of half chewed burger.

"I lied to you. Since the first day I got here." Cas said quietly. He kept his eyes down and turned the burger around in his hands. "If I hadn't slipped up at Lily's house I would have kept it quiet indefinitely. So why aren't you still angry? Normally you would have taken a swing at me by now."

Dean wasn't sure if Cas meant _he'd_ be the one throwing punches or if he meant future him would. Honestly he couldn't blame future him for taking a swing at Cas every now and again, dude didn't know when to shut up half the time. He chewed methodically before swallowing his mouthful of burger. "I still am."

Cas squinted at him.

"Look, I'm not exactly.... _thrilled_ to have you around but...." Dean grabbed a few fries and shoved them in his mouth, "But, turns out when I try to go this alone everything goes to Hell. I screw up and Sam gets-" He made a twisty motion with his hand, "- by the Devil." He swallowed the fries. He grabbed a couple more and pointed them at Cas, "You've got the apocalypse cheat sheet in your head and I'm not above hustling God- if he's actually real- if it means keeping Sam safe."

"....you're letting me stay for Sam." Cas said.

Dean nodded. "Yeah."

Cas studied Dean silently for a moment before he turned back to the burger in his hands. He peeled back the foil and stared eating. Dean was tolerating him for Sam's sake. Had he honestly thought it would be anything else?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References
> 
> Pit of despair - The Princess Bride (1987)  
> "rage zombies" - 28 Days Later (2002)  
> Rogue - X-Men


	21. Halfway to the Apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean hesitated, if he talked to Sam then Jess would be there. He liked Jess, she was a cooler chick than his brother deserved, but she also hadn't stopped looking at him like he had murdered her friend...which he kinda had.... Now that he was thinking about it, Sam was giving him those looks too. Cas was the only person not looking at him like he had gone on a murder spree. He wasn't sure how he felt about that but it probably wasn't a good sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever.

Dean stepped back to survey the finished work in the living room. He hated to even think it but Cas had done a damn good job and was suspiciously easy to work with‒ Dean was sure there was something up with that. The work wasn't _perfect_ but it was good. He'd give Cas that. There were still some spots where the mud on the drywall had to be sanded smooth but it was official, a week's worth of work and Lily's house was demon proof and looking pretty.

"Well, the _drug addict_ says it's demon proof." Dean muttered to himself. He let out a dismissive snort and started looking for the sandpaper. "Lily's lucked out at least if Cas is bullshitting us."

Lily hadn't let Cas rip up the subfloor but she had let him pull up the carpets and paint devil's traps and sigils everywhere. She had side-eyed Cas when he started tearing her walls down to fill up the spaces between the studs with protective sigils, hexbags, iron, and capped pipes full of salt but she seemed happy with the end result: new walls and new carpet. They were letting her handle the painting.

Dean pulled up tarps and plastic looking for the sandpaper but turning up nothing. He had dreams of returning as much as stuff as he possibly could but he was sure those dreams would be dashed. Cas didn't really seem to get that they had limited funds or the difference between cheap and effective and expensive as hell. Cas just saw what he wanted and took it, which was hot when women did it but just annoying when Cas did it.

"Cas!" Dean called out when his sandpaper search turned up nothing. Cas probably had all three packs opened up somewhere with one sheet taken out of each one. He moved on to paw through the drywall compound bucket that had been recycled into a toolbox looking for the scraps of sandpaper. " _Hey! Cas!"_

Cas stepped into the living room and was violently taken back. Dean was bent over and rooting through a bucket of tools. His hand twitched with touch memory, of flying up behind Dean in the half built mess hall and sliding his hands up Dean's shirt, hooking his fingers into the waist of Dean's pants as Dean leaned back against him. The memory collapsed when Dean glanced up at him, face too young and not carrying enough worry. Cas sucked in a breath and tried to pretend nothing hurt.

Cas jutted his chin at the bucket, "What're you looking for?"

"Sandpaper." Dean said. He motioned towards the walls, "Someone's gotta smooth 'em out since you just slapped the mud on."

Cas's eyebrows drew together. "Sandpaper?" He glanced over to the wall. He reached out, pressed his hand flat against the wall, and rubbed it in a circle. The bumps and ridges smoothed away under his calloused hand. Dean made a noise that made him look back over. Dean was staring at him with unabashed surprise. Cas chuckled, "I'm rough around the edges."

Dean groaned at the double entendre. He shook his head. "Just don't open up anything new. We're returning everything we can. I wanna save at least _one_ credit card."

"Why?" Cas asked running his hand over the wall. A fine white dust was settling around his feet. "I meant it. About the money. You can have it." He wiped his hand on his jeans then moved over to the next join in the drywall. "You collected it all anyway. It's technically yours."

Dean eyebrows furrowed. Because wasn't _that_ weird to think about? Some future him had robbed banks or something in the middle of the Apocalypse. Who _did_ that? He had his mouth open to say he didn't need Cas's money- he wasn't going to be some kind of kept boy- when his phone rang.

Dean wiped his hands off on his jeans before pulling his phone out and answering it. "Hello?" It took him a second to put together who the voice on the other side of the phone belonged to. Poltergeist. Pennsylvania. Panowski. "Jerry. Hey. That poltergeist isn't back is it?"

It turned out that the poltergeist wasn't back but whatever it was Jerry wouldn't spill over the phone. He wanted to meet in person. Dean told him he could be there in about a week, they still had to wrap up everything with Lily and then check in on Sam‒ probably have it out with Sam- and dump all the tools Cas had made him buy in the storage unit. Jerry wanted to know if he could get to Pennsylvania yesterday.

"Sorry." Dean said. He wiped his hand over his mouth then made a face. He had wiped something greasy across his chin. He scrubbed at his chin vigorously with his sleeve. "I got a job I've gotta wrap up here first, but if you really need someone _now_ I know a guy. Neil. He's reliable. _Discreet._ Whatever your problem is, he'll figure it out."

Jerry hesitated but agreed. Dean gave him Neil's number. Dean was about to hang up when it occurred to him that Jerry shouldn't have his number. Jerry had _Dad's_ phone number. How did he get this one? He'd only had the phone for about six months.

Cas was whistling- _badly_ \- a Bill Withers song when Dean went that particular kind of quiet he had learned to associate with bad news. He tensed and didn't turn around. His imagination ran wild, each possible scenario more horrible than the next. A soft strangled whimper left Dean. Cas cringed. He spun around. His first thought was that something happened to Sam.

Dean felt his chest tighten as Dad's voice came over the phone. He had tried all of Dad's numbers just a couple of days ago and got nothing. Now suddenly Dad was back on the radar? And he hadn't even called him to say he was _alive?_

Dad's voice finished telling him to phone him if it was an emergency. Dean gulped as the voice mail beeped that he could leave a message. _He could leave a message._ "Dad—" Dean cut himself off as his voice wavered. He cleared his through. "Dad. It's Dean. I found out some stuff. About The Demon. And Sam." He took a steadying breath. "Phone me back when you get this."

Cas watched Dean close his phone and stare down at it like a smoking gun. What did he do? Dean's father had always been a complex subject. Some days Dean would swear the man could do no wrong, other days Dean would just swear. It usually depended how much Dean had drank and whether they were in a life or death situation.

"You know about this?" Dean asked holding up his phone.

Cas shook his head. All he knew was what he remembered- which was getting fuzzier every year- and what Dean had said in passing over the years; John Winchester wouldn't bother to show up in his sons' lives again for months yet. But now Dean was phoning and getting an answer. Sort of. What if Dean thought he had been lying again? He dusted his hands off on his jeans. "I don't remember everything that'll happen. I don't know everything that'll happen."

Dean leaned back and eyed Cas trying to figure out if he was lying. The track record said he probably was.

"I only know what you told me." Cas continued carefully. He motioned to the phone Dean still held. "And you didn't tell me about that." He drew his shoulders together and dropped them in a half-hearted shrug. "Considering I'm here with you _now_ and not.... _home_ , there were probably a lot of things you didn't tell me."

Dean licked his lips while he thought it over. Cas had only just come clean about everything else. He narrowed his eyes at Cas. "You better not be lying or else I take back that _you can stay."_

"I'm not." Cas said firmly. He silently cursed his Dean for not telling him everything before he sent him back. It was like he had gone out of his way to make it harder. That familiar anger with Dean simmered up. If Dean hadn't kept so many secrets from him he'd know what to do. His fingers clenched into fists as a cold feeling sunk into his gut. If Dean hadn't kept so many secrets from him he wouldn't be stuck in the past all alone... _mostly alone._

"You better not be." Dean said. He shoved his phone in his pocket and stalked out of the room. He still hadn't found any sandpaper and he should probably start sorting through things to see what they could return. It wasn't like he was going to go sit in his car and sulk or find the whiskey in the trunk or anything like that. He had work to do.

Cas watched him go. He had watched Dean walk away so very many times over the years, either because he was oblivious and confused or too angry to go after him. He had gone after Dean too, either because he was oblivious and confused or cared so much it hurt. It was a rare day he was most of the above. Normally being angry with Dean precluded feeling horrible‒ he usually got around to that after a few bottles‒ but today was his lucky day it seemed. He got to experience both at the same time. Time travel was wreaking havoc on his mental health.

Cas stared at the empty space Dean had occupied as his insides twisted and he tried to separate the Dean he knew from the Dean that was here now. He let out a long pathetic sigh. Dean was probably already out at his car pretending that he was subtle about sneaking liquor out of the trunk. The Dean he knew- _the Dean that knew him_ \- would have silently appreciated a fellow alcoholic to drink with. This Dean would probably get angry if he tried to join him. That didn't mean he couldn't drink without him. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out his flask. He swallowed down half of it.

"No need to be subtle Dean." Cas muttered to himself. He gave the flask a gentle shake. The liquor sloshed inside. Cas shrugged to himself. "No need for moderation either." He brought the flask to his lips and tipped it back, drinking the last of it. He screwed the cap back on and slipped the empty flask back into his pocket.

\---

It took another day and a half to get Lily's house cleaned up and everything either returned or packed away‒ which _he_ had to do because Cas had suddenly decided to play teacher. Dean would have cracked jokes about that but Lily was into girls and Cas was into guys- mostly from what he could tell- so all the naughty teacher jokes would probably fall on deaf ears. And besides he didn't want to start joking about sex in front of Cas anyway in case Cas got ideas.

Dean was carrying an overpriced circular saw- they could have just gotten one second hand- out the door when Cas finally wrapped up his warding against demons 101 lecture.

"So if I keep the hexbags on me and make sure the demon traps don't get scuffed up I'm out of this cursed-kid battle royal?" Lily said skeptically. She ran her hand up the frame of the door where Cas had carved protective sigils. "You're sure this stuff actually works?"

"It works." Cas said trying to sound casual about not answering Lily's first question. He wasn't sure he could change Dean's fate let alone Lily's. "However it won't stop them from burning your house down with you in it and it won't stop bullets." Cas said. If demons only relied on mystical means of destruction they wouldn't take hosts and it would be a hell of a lot easier to find them in a crowd. Swirling black smoke tended to be obvious. "So you might want to invest in some guns and smoke alarms."

"...we did all this work and they might just burn my house down in the end?" Lily said sounding mildly disgusted.

Cas shrugged. It wasn't as if there were rules about demons using plain old fashioned human violence to kill people.

"They're demons." Dean said squeezing past them with the circular saw. "They don't care how they get at you just as long as it's bloody." He said gruffly.

Lily arched an unimpressed eyebrow at Dean's back.

Cas waved a dismissive hand. "He's having some family issues."

Lily watched Dean walk down the driveway for a moment. "Honestly I can't really tell the difference between family issues and-" She glanced back at Cas. "-whatever other issues you've been having."

"Yeah." Cas said. No point in denying the obvious. "I'm sure we've made lovely guests this past week."

"Not really. But I'm not a much better host either." Lily said. She shrugged. "At least I didn't touch anyone and kill them."

Cas held back any hint of a smile. He liked how blunt Lily could be. If more people had been like that when he had first Fallen he wouldn't have spent his first two years as mostly human bumbling through an emotional mine field. Dean thought it was creepy how she'd just toss in comments like that. Cas didn't see any point in beating around the bushes. Lily's touch meant death. Pretending it didn't would get someone killed.

Dean bustled back in. He clapped his hand against his thigh to get Cas's attention. "That was the last of it. You ready to go?"

"Whenever you are." Cas said.

Dean nodded. He turned to Lily‒ the real life Rogue without the cool parts. "And you got my number?" Because Dad sure as hell didn't.

"Yeah." Lily said stiffly. She paused to tuck her hair behind her ear. "And I'll call if that woman calling herself Judy Barton shows back up again."

Cas glanced at Dean to see if he had noticed that it sounded like Lily didn't plan on phoning if a demon appeared. Dean just nodded again. Apparently not. Cas flicked his eyes back to Lily. He liked Lily but that stiff response was making him wonder just how little she'd do to prevent her own death. All things considered that seemed like a reasonable response to killing her girlfriend then being told a demon was going to drop her into a death match where she'd either have to kill or be killed. She was probably the most well-adjusted person in the room. A quiet snort of laughter escaped him‒ the demon blood girl was the well-adjusted one.

Dean shot a puzzled look at Cas right along with Lily. Cas just looked back at them blankly. Weirdo. Dean turned back to Lily. "Right. Or—"

"If your father happens to show up." Lily said coolly.

Dean blinked in surprise. He had been about to say, _or if a demon shows its face,_ but the cold way Lily said _father_ sent shivers down his spine. It was easy to forget that Lily had admitted to giving her father the touch of death when he had been knocking out walls and dealing with Cas all week. Dean licked his lips to settle his nerves. From what Lily said _her_ dad sounded like a complete bastard, blaming her for her mother's death when she was just a baby, but that someone could kill their own _dad....._ Maybe he should phone Dad up and leave a message to stay away from northern San Diego just in case Lily made killing dads a habit.

"Uh...yeah." Dean said. He waved towards the door. "Yeah. So....if you're good with all the stuff Cas taught you and you've got my number...."

"I'll call if something comes up." Lily said again. She stood in her doorway like she wanted to usher them out the door but didn't want the hassle of explaining anymore dead bodies turning up around her.

Dean nodded goodbye and started towards the car. He could feel Cas following after him. He slowed down when he reached the car. "You sure this demon blood stuff doesn't make her....I dunno.... _part_ demon." Dean opened the car door and glanced back at Lily's house. The front door was closed and as far as he could tell she wasn't watching them. "I mean, we didn't just set her up to be a demon super villain with a secret lair did we?"

"Having second thoughts about letting her live?" Cas asked. He could guess well enough that Lily's chilly attitude towards her father disturbed Dean‒ if one could call murderous a chilly attitude.

" _No."_ Dean retorted in disgust. He got in the car and closed the door. If Lily was part demon than that meant Sam was part demon too and Sam _definitely_ wasn't part demon. He waited for Cas to get in before adding, "She's not a monster. We don't get to decide if humans live or die."

Cas shrugged. "If you say so." He had decided whether humans lived or died for most of human existence. He liked Lily but that didn't mean he wouldn't get the job done. He had killed a lot of people he liked in the past few years.

"If I say so?" Dean repeated. He turned a nauseated look on Cas. What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean?

Cas opened the glove box and took out his sunglasses. "If _you_ say so." Cas said. He slipped his sunglasses on. "I thought that would be apparent by now."

Dean's eyes flicked back and forth over Cas. Cas's horror story from earlier in the week crept into his thoughts. He stomach went cold. Cas probably _would_ do it if _he_ told him to. He started the car and peeled away from the curb faster than strictly necessary. 

\---

Jess breathed a sigh of relief when she got off the phone then immediately felt guilty. Rebecca's parents were coming back tomorrow which meant after today she didn't have to go to the hospital and sit with Rebecca. That shouldn't have been her first thought, that she didn't _have_ to comfort her friend who had been stabbed by her own possessed brother. She should have been relieved that Rebecca would finally get her family's support.

Her eyebrows furrowed as her brain started going through a list of things she could do now that Rebecca was someone else's responsibility; studying, homework, laundry. That only made her feel worse. She wanted to do laundry instead of making sure her recently stabbed friend was okay?

"What's up?" Sam asked carefully. They were still fighting-not-fighting and he knew his sarcastic _just shoot Cas_ comment a few days ago hadn't really helped. Sometimes he forgot Jess didn't really know his family all that well even though they had been living with Dean for the past two months. Seeing someone get stabbed and then joking about shooting someone probably wasn't normal. No. He _knew_ that wasn't normal. "Everything alright?"

Jess glanced up at Sam then looked down to her phone. She didn't have to sit with Rebecca tomorrow and she felt _good_ about that. What kind of friend was she? "Rebecca's parents are coming tomorrow."

"That's good." Sam said. Jess made an odd wavering noise. Sam's mouth dropped open but he wasn't sure what to say. His forehead wrinkled in concern. ".....that _is_ good, right?"

"Yeah." Jess said. She looked back up at Sam. He had been coming to the hospital with her everyday but he was usually neck deep in a book. He didn't _ignore_ Rebecca or anything like that. He'd help Rebecca if she asked but he was definitely keeping up with other things as well. Maybe she wasn't a completely terrible person and it was normal that she wanted to deal with her own life....or maybe Sam wasn't the best measure of normal, his family hunted monsters for a living.

Before she could stop herself she grabbed her notes for her art history exam and slipped it into her bag. She could be there for Rebecca _and_ get some of her studying done. She waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the hospital. "I told Bec we'd visit before class today."

"Right." Sam said. A frown slowly worked its way down his face as he watched Jess pack up her bag for the day. Jess had been freaked out- understandably- when Rebecca had been stabbed but ever since Rebecca had woken up Jess seemed to be getting better, more like her usual self. Minus their fights-not-fights. But even though things seemed reasonably okay something still felt _off._

He watched Jess move around the room. Everything seemed normal. It wasn't like she was doing any of that cliché _wandering through life like a stranger._ It was Jess. It was Jess being Jess. But it wasn't Jess.

That didn't make sense even in his head.

Sam packed up their holy water bottles and made sure their hexbags were in their backpacks. They might have stopped the demon after Jess but if what Cas said was true then Dad was out there hunting another one. His face dropped. He was supposed to be out now. No more demons and monsters. But how was he ever going to get out if the monsters kept coming? How was he supposed to keep Jess out of it?

"You don't make a very good door or a window." Jess said as she side stepped around Sam. He had stopped dead still in the middle of the room with his iconic brooding deep thoughts look she had thought was adorable when they had first started dating but now it usually meant he was thinking about demons and that was the exact opposite of adorable.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

Jess flinched as she pulled her jacket on. Was she okay? A demon had tried to kill her and Rebecca. It had possessed Zach. Now Zach was dead- _and she was lying about it_ \- and Rebecca was in the hospital. Was she _okay?_ Of course she wasn't okay! She zipped her jacket up. "Mostly. I think..." She grabbed her bag off the bed and threw it over her shoulder. "I'm thankful. That Rebecca's going to be okay and that her parents are coming. She needs family support at a time like this."

Sam let out a sad sigh and followed Jess to the door. He hadn't expected Jess to say she was okay but he hadn't expected her to start taking a page out his family's book and bottle it up either.

They took a silent cab ride to the hospital and a silent elevator ride up to the third floor of the hospital. The floor was empty except for the two nurses chatting at the nurse's station.

It was a familiar walk down the hall by now. Sam turned left into the fourth room. "Hi Bec." Sam waved.

Rebecca glanced over looking dazed. "Hey guys."

"How're you feeling?" Jess asked. Rebecca had been complaining about her stitches aching yesterday but the nurses had said she was fine.

Rebecca held up her arm. A muddled smile crept across her face. "They upped my dose this morning."

Sam gave her a small empathetic smile. He knew what that was like from the few times he had been hurt bad enough on a hunt to end up in the hospital. "Feeling better then?"

"Yeah." Rebecca said softly. She leaned to her side like she was listening to something else. Her eyes fluttered like she might drop off at any moment.

"So your parents phoned me earlier." Jess said. She thought it might be a better idea to get right to the point. Rebecca looked like she was going to pass out soon.

Rebecca turned back slowly. "Right. Yeah. They phoned me this morning before..." She raised her arm again. "I think they phoned....they're coming. To see me."

"Yeah. They're coming to see you." Jess said gently. She was starting to realize that Rebecca wasn't just going to fall asleep, she was completely and totally out of it. Jess picked up the remote for the tv in the corner. "Tv?"

"Yeah." Rebecca said though she didn't look over.

Jess turned the tv on. The news came up. She moved her thumb to push the buttons and change the channel but she froze when the reporter started talking about a plane crash. Her chest tightened. The reporter said _Pennsylvania_ and she breathed. Rebecca's parents were landing at JFK. She quickly changed the channel. They didn't need to hear about more death. "How about Oprah?"

Rebecca uttered a dreamy, "Sure."

\---

After driving all day Dean just wanted to get something to eat and collapse on a bed and call it a day. Instead he was sitting in the parking lot grimacing at the hotel Sam and Jess were _still_ staying in. It went against everything Dad had ever taught them about picking places to stay. It was clean and nice. It had a freakin' _garden_ out front. They probably checked for fake credit cards twice a day.

Good thing they had cash.

"Come on Toto." Dean said pushing the car door open and getting out.

Cas followed him around to the back of the car to get their bags. His head whipped around checking the parking lot for potential threats. The drive back had put him on edge. There had been _traffic_. He thought he had gotten used to the sheer numbers of humans- _live humans-_ but apparently he had been lying to himself. That seemed to be an ongoing trend. No point in stopping now. He was perfectly fine. He didn't need a drink. He'd stop the Apocalypse.

Dean shoved Cas's bag at him then grabbed his own. He closed the trunk. They crossed the parking lot full of shiny new vehicles probably all pre-set to some emo-pop radio station. His lips pulled back in disgust just thinking about it. "What is _wrong_ with people these days?" Dean muttered as he pulled the lobby door open.

"Inadequate fear of the future." Cas said. No one had ever accused him of optimism.

Dean's jaw clenched. He had more than adequate fear for the future. He stopped at the front desk. He asked the woman behind the desk for the usual.

"Credit card." She asked. She put her hand out.

"Cash." Dean said as he took out his wallet and started counting bills.

"We still require a credit card." The woman said.

Dean stopped. He thumbed through the credit cards in his wallet. Most of them would bounce. The only one he thought stood a chance was probably flagged after their spending spree. He added a few more bills to the pile. He slid the money across the desk. "How about a tip?"

The woman stared back coldly unimpressed. "How about a credit card?"

"Aw come on." Dean said. He slapped on his best flirty smile. "I'm sure we can work something out-" Dean's eyes flicked down to the name tag the woman wore, "Kylee."

She leaned in closer to him and batted her eyelashes. "I'm sure you know where the door is."

Cas snorted in amusement.

Dean shot him a glare. As if Cas could do better. Dean pursed his lips. He checked his watch. Sam and Jess were probably at the hospital so he couldn't get into their hotel room without breaking in which probably wouldn't go over too well with Kylee.

He grabbed the cash off the counter and slotted it back into his wallet. He gave Kylee a polite nod and strode out. This was exactly why Dad always said nothing fancy.

They tossed their bags back into the trunk. Then it was back to sitting in the car. Dean swore under his breath. Did he find a place nearby? Or check up on Sam? If he checked up on Sam he'd have to have the whole _you're going to play puppet to the devil_ talk with him.

Dean wasn't ready for that talk. No, scratch that. He'd _never_ be ready for that talk. His fingers tapped in a wave against his leg. But he _had_ to check in on Sam; make sure he wasn't doing anything shady with demons named Ruby.

Cas tapped his fingers across his knee nervously. Sitting in the parking lot surrounded by cars- _anything_ could be in them or under them- wasn't helping his already on edge nerves. "As much as I may enjoy the view of the parking lot I don't think the hotel staff are going to let us sleep here."

Dean ignored him. He shoved the keys into the ignition then pulled his phone from his pocket and called Sam.

He tapped his finger against his leg. If he met up with Sam now he could tell him the quick and dirty highlights of what Cas had said and leave out the devil jumps your bones part because Sam was a nerd and wouldn't want to be late for school.

The phone finally connected.

"Took you long enough. What were you doing? Washing your hair?" Dean snickered. He could _hear_ the eye roll. He gave Sam Dad's lecture on picking places to stay then told him he was finding somewhere better. Sam bitched at him for not telling him anything then asked for a ride to school.

Dean hesitated despite the perfect barb on the tip of his tongue about Sam needing a ride to school just like back when he was chest high. He hadn't really thought this through. If he talked to Sam then Jess would be there. He liked Jess, she was a cooler chick than his brother deserved, but she also hadn't stopped looking at him like he had murdered her friend...which he kinda had....

He frowned at the dashboard. Now that he thought about it Sam was giving him those looks too. He glanced sideways at Cas. Cas was the only person not looking at him like he had gone on a murder spree. He wasn't sure how he felt about that but it probably wasn't a good sign.

"Uh...yeah." Dean said hiking the phone back up to his ear. "Be there in twenty."

"Where's Sam?" Cas asked.

"Hospital. Gonna go pick him up." Dean said. He flipped his phone closed and tucked it into his jacket pocket. He arched an eyebrow when he realized Cas had pressed himself into the seat and froze. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." Cas said. There was definitely nothing up with him. He slid his hand behind his back to where his blade was tucked into the waist of his pants. He curled his fingers around his blade. He was perfectly fine.

Dean looked him over. Cas was wound tighter than a spring. Did Cas think he was blind? Or just stupid? Dean spread his hands at him in a _why are you such a freak?_ gesture that he had perfected when Sam was in high school. "Dude, _what?"_

"What?" Cas shrugged. There wasn't anything wrong with him. He was perfectly fine. They were just going to go to a place where people routinely died particularly gruesome deaths. That was perfectly fine.

Dean narrowed his eyes. He smirked when it clicked in. "You're afraid of hospitals." He started the car. "You get a nurse Ratched? Or did some doctor get a little too friendly when he grabbed your balls and told you to cough?" Dean chuckled then wrinkled his nose. Cas _liked_ that sort of thing.

"I'm not afraid of hospitals." Cas said. He really wasn't. A hospital was just a building. There was no reason to be afraid of a building unless it was structurally unsound. He wasn't afraid of hospitals. He was terrified of what could be **_in_** them. His fist clenched tighter around his blade.

"Right." Dean snickered. "You're also the post child for sobriety."

\---

Sam hung up and slipped his phone back in his pocket. "They're waiting in the pick-up zone." He shoved a scrap of paper into his textbook marking his page and snapped it closed. Dean was there earlier than he thought he'd be which meant he might have time to give Dean a piece of his mind about his evasive crap all week.

Jess nodded. She set her hand over top of Rebecca's arm. "Bec? Hey?"

Rebecca opened one eye and turned her head to stare.

"We're heading out now." Jess said.

Rebecca's other eye opened slowly. She frowned in confusion. "....oh....right...." Her arm jerked up and rested on her elbow. She flexed her fingers until Jess took her hand. "Thanks for keeping me company."

"No problem." Jess could feel tears burning behind her eyes. Rebecca was thanking her for staying with her through all this and she was lying about what happened to Zach. She squeezed Rebecca's hand. "What else is a sister from another mister for?"

Rebecca gave a weak laugh and waved them out.

Jess gathered her things while Sam packed up his. They said bye again but Rebecca was already passed out. They hurried down the hall to the elevator. Jess rubbed at her eyes before she actually _did_ start crying.

Sam edged closer and shifted his backpack around and tried to ask Jess silently if she wanted a hug. Either Jess didn't know what the hell his awkward shuffling around meant or she didn't want one. Honestly he wasn't sure what the hell his awkward shuffling around meant either. How the hell was he supposed to make any of this right if _he_ didn't know what he was doing? By the time they reached the ground floor Jess had pulled herself together like nothing had happened. The impala was waiting for them, big, black, and ominous. It was like it had rolled straight out of his childhood; bringing the monsters with it.

"Come on nerds!" Dean yelled from the car. "You're gonna be late for nerd class!"

Despite everything Sam couldn't help the huff of laughter that escaped him. He shook his head. Did Dean actually listen to himself?

Jess gave a half-hearted laugh along with Sam. "He quotes Star Trek." She left, _and kills people,_ unsaid. She'd been trying to be okay with that since it had happened but she wasn't sure she could be. Dean had saved her, Zach would have killed her if Dean hadn't been there, but he had _killed_ Zach. The three of them said it hadn't really been Zach at the time but Zach was still dead.

They walked the short distance from the entrance to the car. Jess opened the car door and tossed her bag in. She slid in behind it and closed the door then immediately swore. "Shit. Hold on. I left my notes." She shoved the door back open. "I'll just be a second. I know exactly where I left them."

"You want me to come?" Sam asked.

Jess grabbed her water bottle full of holy water from the side pocket of her backpack. "I'll be fine." She closed the door before Sam could argue with her and dashed back inside.

She slid to a halt at the elevator. She pushed the button and watched as the panel above the elevator counted down. The lights flickered with a power surge. The elevator stopped at two and didn't move.

"You're kidding." Jess said annoyed. She waited for the elevator to start up again but it sat at level 2 and didn't budge. She let her head roll back in exasperation. She should probably be thankful she hadn't run back in sooner and gotten trapped in the elevator.

She looked around for the stairs. She spotted a red EXIT sign in the corner. She jogged over to it. She made sure it wasn't a fire exit then pushed the door open. She cringed expecting a fire alarm anyway. No alarm went off. She relaxed and pushed the door open the rest of the way, stepping inside the stairwell.

She stopped in surprise as soon as she was through the door. "Brady?"

\---

Sam watched Jess run back into the hospital. As soon as she was out of sight his eyes flicked to the review mirror to stare holes through Dean. "What aren't you telling me?"

Dean cringed, he knew _that_ tone of voice. Sam was going to be totally unreasonable... well.... maybe not _totally_ unreasonable. He _had_ been giving him some really shitty non-answers since he found out about the whole Devil-puppet fate that was in store for Sam if he couldn't figure out how to stop it all.

A subtle movement to his right made Dean's arm shoot out to the side to stop Cas from turning around in his seat. He just _knew_ Cas was going to be a mouthy shit and tell Sam _everything._ He pointed a finger in Cas's face and gave him the good ol' _shut the hell up if you know what's good for you_ look.

Cas stared back at Dean confused. That anxious feeling that had been bothering him all day was upgrading into a stabbing pain behind his eyes; they were _sitting_ in front of a hospital. He had been about to take his blade out and wedge it between his leg and the door to try and calm himself down when Dean had grabbed his arm and gave him a look. Cas had figured he was about to get a _don't wreck the seats_ lecture about his blade but that wasn't the _don't mess with the car_ look. That was the look Dean always had when he told everyone they would all come out of a supply run alive when they all knew someone was going to die. Dean's head tilted a fraction of an inch towards Sam. Cas realized he thought he was going to tell Sam he'd say yes despite promising Dean he wouldn't tell him. Cas gave a quick nod of his head- he still wasn't going to tell Sam- and settled back into his seat. That pain behind his eyes got worse.

Sam watched as some silent agreement passed between Dean and Cas. When the hell had they gotten all silent knowing looks? Sam narrowed his eyes. What the hell was Dean telling _Cas_ that he wouldn't tell him? "What the hell is going on, Dean?"

"Nothing." Dean hoped that sounded like an innocent nothing. It probably didn't....it definitely didn't.

"Right." Sam said sarcastically.

Dean huffed out a sigh. "Look. Now's not a good time. We'll talk about this later."

Sam clenched his jaw. This was exactly the kind of thing Dad would pull. "Fine. But you better come clean." Sam said sternly. "I'm not gonna let you pull a Dad and just keep everything on a strict need to know basis where only _you_ get to decide who needs to know."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean said. He was starting to wonder if being cursed with demon blood made people go nuts on their dads. Maybe that was why Dad and Sam never got along. Sam was just cursed not to.

"It means—" Sam started but came up short when Cas kicked open the door and took off towards the hospital. "....where's he going?"

"What the hell?" Dean echoed the sentiment. Cas might love his prescription drugs but he had been bugging out about being anywhere near the hospital. Dean stuck his head out the window. "Dude! What the hell!?"

" _Demons."_ Cas called over his shoulder. He had been living with a perpetual headache for the last week. He had assumed today's newest pain throbbing through his head was just the latest addition in the long line of the pains of being mortal. Except it _wasn't_ a mortal pain. It wasn't something he was feeling physically. That stabbing pain behind his eyes was his grace; twisting up at the feel of a demon nearby. He had lost the ability to sense demons years ago. He had never thought he'd get it back. He swallowed his own fears and ran into the parking garage of the hospital.

" _Shit."_ Dean swore. He turned around. "Sam, you hear‒" Sam was already out the door. Dean yanked the keys out of the ignition and scrambled to chase after Sam. He pressed a hand to his back, checking for his gun, as he caught up to Sam.

Sam raced after Cas. He knew he shouldn't have let Jess go into the hospital alone. His nightmares from the last week surfaced in his mind. What if they were about to come true? What if he was going to run around a corner and find Jess dead or bleeding out? He skidded to a stop when he got to the parking garage. Cas was gone. He whipped his around looking for _anything._ Doubt started to creep in. Maybe he should have gone to Rebecca's room first. He had heard Cas say demons and his mind had immediately assumed the worst. Maybe Jess wasn't even out here.

Dean came to a stop beside Sam. "Which way did he go?"

"If I knew I'd be following him." Sam snapped. What if Jess was still safe inside and she came outside and found a demon waiting for her at the car. Should they split up? One of them try to find Cas and the other go back inside and look for Jess? What if the demon already had Jess?

"Hey." Dean grabbed Sam's arm. "You hear that?"

Sam cocked his head to the side to listen. He could hear the faint sounds of someone being dragged away. It made his stomach turn that he recognized that sound and that it might be _Jess_ who was being dragged away.

They ran towards the noise. Dean caught sight of blonde hair being shoved between cars. "There!"

Sam dashed closer and ground to a stop when he saw what was going on. _Brady_ had a hand over Jess's mouth and a knife pressed against her back as he tried to shove her into a car. Except Brady had black eyes. It wasn't Brady. A _demon_ was trying to kidnap Jess.

Dean raised his gun. Sam knocked it away from him. Dean shot a betrayed look at Sam. "What the _fuck?"_

" _What if you miss?"_ Sam snapped. He started saying the words of an exorcism. "Exorcizamus te—"

"Uh ah, Sam." Brady let go of Jess's mouth and wrapped his arm around her waist. Brady brought the knife up and pressed it down to Jess's neck. "You keep that up and Jess here gets it."

"Let her go, Brady." Sam growled.

Jess struggled against Brady's grip at her waist but was too afraid of the knife at her neck to throw her weight against him. "Brady, you don't have to do this. Sam can help you."

"You guys know this guy _too?"_ Dean asked incredulously. They were going to have a serious talk later about double and triple checking Sam's friends for demonic possession. Clearly checking once wasn't enough.

"Umm....." Brady mimed thinking over Sam's demand and Jess's offer. "No. I don't think I need an express trip back to Hell just yet."

"What do you want?" Sam said trying to keep himself from just throwing himself at Brady- at a demon.

"That's a good question Sam. What _do_ I want?" Brady smirked. He blinked. The blackness in his eyes disappeared. "Let's see." He pressed the knife harder to Jess's throat. Jess hissed in pain. Blood started to seep down from the blade. Brady grinned "Oh. That's a good start. I want that."

Dean raised his gun again. Shooting Zach Warren hadn't killed him but it sure as hell had made him let go of Jess.

Brady jerked around and angled Jess between them. "Think you can make the shot? Could be messy." He glanced at Sam. "How much do you _really_ trust Mr. Gun Happy over there?"

"Made the shot last time." Dean retorted. "You're buddy didn't like that too much."

Brady looked at Dean confused but it quickly dissolved into annoyance. His eyebrows furrowed in irritation. "What _is_ that? Every time I get close—" Brady's body jerked as his right eye exploded in blood.

Jess flinched as something warm sprayed across her cheek. Brady's arm went limp around her. She jumped away while she still could. She watched as Brady slumped to his knees, his skin flashing with light. He fell forward. The hilt of Cas's blade was sticking out of the back of his head. Jess felt her stomach lurch. She was staring at a dead person. She was looking at Brady and Brady had a giant knife sticking out of the back of his head and he was dead.

Dean's eyes flicked up from the body to Cas. Cas was standing thirty feet behind what used to _Brady_ with a cold look on his face that was giving Dean chills.

Cas marched up to them. The pain behind his eyes was gone. Either he had just killed the only demon in the area or his grace had provided him with one last warning. He crouched down and pulled his blade out of the demon's head. He wiped it clean on its shirt then tucked his blade back into the waist of his pants. He flipped the demon over and started going through its pockets for anything that might be useful.

"Oh my god." Jess whispered. She touched her cheek where the warm spattered had hit her. Her hand came away with blood. "Oh my god." She had Brady's blood on her and Cas was going through his pockets.

Sam startled into motion when he heard someone behind them start yelling. They were standing in a parking garage with a dead body at their feet and there were probably cameras everywhere. They needed to be gone _now_. Sam grabbed Jess's arm and tugged her towards himself. "Jess. Come on. We gotta go."

Jess yanked herself free. " _Go where?"_ She shrieked. She backed away from them. "Ever since _they_ showed up-" She jabbed her finger at Dean and Cas. "-things have been trying to kill me and my friends keep getting shot and stabbed and— oh my god!" Jess bolted for the hospital.

"Jess!" Sam called after her. Sam started forward but stopped. He turned to Dean. "I gotta go after her. You'll be okay?"

"Uh yeah." Dean said ignoring a slimy feeling that was creeping into him. Why hadn't Zach Warren flashed like this demon had? He nodded firmly. "You go make sure she doesn't say anything to get us in trouble."

Sam reached out and squeezed Dean's arm. "Thanks." He ran after her.

"Dean.... _Dean."_ Cas tossed Brady's cell phone at Dean's chest to get his attention. Dean caught it and looked down at it confused. Cas went back to checking Brady's pockets. "Might be useful." He explained. At least he thought it would be useful. Dean and Sam had used cellphones for all sorts of things before everything had fallen apart.

"Uh....?" Dean stared down at the phone dumbly. He looked at the body in front of him that had _definitely_ been a demon. "Right. Yeah. Should be useful." He turned when he heard footsteps pounding towards them. Security had finally wised up. "Oh shit."

Cas sprung up when he saw what Dean was swearing about. There were definitely some pros about living in the Apocalypse. Nobody cared about dead people during the Apocalypse as long as they stayed dead. Now they caused quite a bit more panic. "Back to the car? Or go on foot?" Cas asked. He still wasn't quite sure what the procedure was for dealing with authorities when he couldn't just kill them first.

"Car." Dean said automatically. No way was he leaving the car if he could help it. "But let's put some distance between them and us first." He took off to the other end of the parking garage with Cas following behind him.

Dean led the hospital security on a goose chase between parked cars before ducking down and doubling back to the impala with Cas. Sam and Jess weren't there but that was probably a good thing since he was still kind of laying low from the cops because of the whole Zach Warren thing and Cas had just killed someone in broad daylight. They piled into the care, just a couple of murder buddies making a getaway.

Dean started up the car as that slimy feeling came back in full force. He had killed Zach Warren but Zach Warren hadn't had black eyes or flashed like lightening. He shoved the feeling aside. He had other things to worry about. He worked his phone out of his pocket with one hand and tossed it to Cas.

"Need you to text Sam." Dean said.

"Poughkeepsie?" Cas asked. He opened Dean's cellphone up. He bit his lip for a moment trying to remember how to text.

Dean shot Cas a look. How _the hell_ did Cas know that? He shook his head. Now wasn't the time to be worrying about that either. "No. Rockford."

Dean's phone buzzed in Cas's hand. There was a text from Sam. Cas checked it. It was just one word, _McQueen_. "Sam's stalling the police." Cas informed him. "Do you want me to text back Hilts?"

Dean hesitated. Sam was telling him to go. He couldn't just _leave_ Sam. He had his mouth open to tell Cas to text back Rockford anyway. They'd stay. ....but if he stayed he'd have to ditch his car and Cas because he really didn't have good explanation for all that DNA Zach Warren's body probably left behind in his car and even less of an explanation for Cas. If he stayed he was probably going to be arrested for _at least_ one murder. How was he supposed to keep Sam out of trouble if he was in jail? "Fuck. Yeah. Hilts."

Cas texted back _Hilts_ then turned the phone off. He tossed it on the seat between them. "This is easier when we're the ones in charge." Cas commented. "No authorities to come after us when we're them."

Dean grunted out a noncommittal noise and drove in silence. Sure, things were probably _loads_ easier when the Apocalypse was going down and he was some kind of grade A homicidal asshole that killed people and couldn't save Sam. He pulled up to a red light that he really would have liked to run because there was _no one_ but him at the intersection but running red lights was the dumbest way to catch the cops' attention when fleeing the scene of a crime. He twisted his grip on the steering wheel and waited. That night when he had killed Zach Warren played in his head. It had been dark so he hadn't been able to see Zach's eyes. They _could_ have been black but they _could_ have been some regular human colour too. Zach definitely hadn't set off any fireworks when he died.

Dean kept his eyes on the road. "....do demons always go out with a light show?"

"What?" Cas asked.

"That lightening and fireworks show that the demon did today." Dean clarified. "That always happen when you gank one?"

"Yeah." Cas said. He watched Dean lick his lips nervously. Cas narrowed his eyes at him. "Why?"

Dean sucked in a breath. "Zach didn't flash like that."

"What? He must have." Cas said. The body they had buried off the side of the road the other week had definitely been dead.

"He didn't." Dean said. Zach Warren hadn't flashed like a light show. Zach Warren had just dropped to the ground and _died_. Fuck. He hadn't even _tried_ the holy water on Zach. He hadn't said Christo either. He hadn't done _anything_ to check to make sure Sam's friend was actually a demon.

Cas shook his head. He knew what Dean must be thinking. Dean had to be mistaken. ...but watching a demon die wasn't something one could mistake exactly. "Why would he try to kill his own sister and Jess if he wasn't a demon?"

" _I don't know."_ Dean said hotly. That slimy feeling washed over him again because- _fuck-_ he hadn't killed a demon. He had just killed some guy, a human. Fuck. They were going to be halfway to the Apocalypse before the year was over. He was already killing people and he had just left Sam behind.

Cas shrugged. "Demon or not, Zach Warren was a danger that night and you stopped him." Cas said. He watched Dean tense. He desperately wanted to reach over and brush his hand across Dean's face and tell him he had made the right choice but they hadn't been on those terms for a year even before he was sent back to 2005. Cas clenched his fingers in his lap to keep himself from reaching out. "You did what you had to do to keep people safe."

Dean growled as the light _finally_ turned fucking green. He let off the break and slammed on the gas. The car lurched forward. He eased up. Speeding was another dumb way to get nabbed by the cops. "Is that what I tell myself in the future?" Dean said, his voice scathing. "I did what I had to do?"

Cas let out a defeated sigh. "It's what we'll all tell ourselves."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas and the sandpaper hands: I've worked with guys that do this and it just makes me shake my head every time. They're always like, "Sandpaper? What is this mystery thing you speak of? That's what hands are for."
> 
> References 
> 
> Jerry with the Poltergeist problem is the guy from Phantom Traveler. The events of this chapter taking place during the time Sam and Dean would have been in Pennsylvania dealing with the demon aboard Britannia Flight 424. 
> 
> Poughkeepsie, McQueen and Hilts, and Rockford are all code words that have been used between Sam and Dean. Poughkeepsie is drop everything and run, McQueen and Hilts was used in such a way that seems to have meant "I'll stall the police while you get away." and Rockford was an extension of their way to find each other when separated, looking for Jim Rockford in the first motel in the phone book.
> 
>  
> 
> ***Important News***
> 
> I've mentioned a few times in the comments and on my tumblr that I might put this fic on hiatus and unfortunately, I am. It has nothing to do with any of the other fics I'm writing (despite it seeming like I have a lot of fics on the go). I've been trying to get ahead on the next installment of this fic and as I did I realized that doing this fic in installments might not have been the best idea. So what is going to happen is, I'm going to write the entire next installment before posting and see how it turns out. If everything is good, I'll keep posting this way. If it turns into a mess what will happen is, I'll power through writing the entire fic, re-write a bit of the first few chapters, and then repost as one huge long mega-fic. 
> 
> How will you know what I choose to do? A) you can subscribe to this installment of the fic. When I start posting either the next part or a revised version I will post one last chapter here with a link to it. B) you can do an author subscription and eventually you'll see something about it. C) you can creep my tumblr [Brainsforbabyjesus](http://brainsforbabyjesus.tumblr.com/) where I will be giving progress reports, teasers, notes, etc about the state of this fic. 
> 
> I hope you'll stick around despite the hiatus. This story isn't over yet.


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